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So, so cold here. Even though I'm still wearing shorts in real life, the Top Chefs are teasing me by wearing shorts in January. It HAS to be January where that are, because they just celebrated Christmas a few weeks ago, and Thanksgiving right before that. IT HAS TO BE, because the TV doesn't lie to us!

On the "previously on 'Top Chef", they show us the Hosea/Leah flirtation for no reason, so one of them is obviously going home tonight.

I have totally forgotten almost everything about Alex and Jill. I'd forget Patrick, except that he was on Team Rainbow, and jumped up and hugged my beloved Richard when he got eliminated.

Opening montage: Jeff shirtless scene? Check. Product placement that goes nowhere, showing Glad Press-N-Seal. Hey, they paid for it. I noticed it. It worked, but I'm not buying the stuff. Leah gets the first confessional, so I'm pegging her as the goner.

Hosea's 'I heart Padma' shirt is kinda faboo, kinda creepy.

Quickfire! Padma is there with S3 winner Hung, who is possibly the only contestant ever who is shorter than sourdyke Jamie.

Fabiospeak: "Hong is-a guys deh love feesh. There ees-a blonket, there ees-a somteeng squir. Yes! Feesh! There's-a gon' be ahn aquorium down-a there!"

Padma does some 'blah blah blah' about chefs having to work with the freshest and most seasonal of ingredients, and pulls off the sheet to reveal...canned goods, and tells them that since Hung is a fast chef, they only have 15 minutes to make something. They did this like 2-3 seasons back. Will this one be sponsored by Del Monte, or maybe they can stock it full of Target Market Pantry stuff?

Fabiospeak: "Jose, he try to grab dee can dee ahteechoke from-a my hand. Eet ees like, 'Cuh mon, I need-a just-a one!' Screw you! I need deh both-a- dem!" Jose! I love that he called Hosea Jose!

Helena Bonham Rahdika says she never uses 'aged' ingredients, and it's something a housewife uses. She is SO not winning the Bravo $10,000 Fan Favorite voting with that 'tude.

Jeff, of course, is making like a 22-course tasting menu, and Hosea is upset that Stefan wants to take the rest of his Spam, because his 'boyfriend' Fabio wouldn't share his artichokes. Dude. 'Top Chef', not 'Top Kindergarten'. Though I do understand not wanting to give anyone else a leg up, at this point.

Ariane, Queen of Meat, has made an open-faced turkey Spam sammich, which causes Padma to ask, "They make turkey Spam?" And Ariane is all, "I guess so!" But all she gets from Hung is, "Interesting," which he obviously doesn't know that the French judge copyrighted last week.

This might be the first week this season where we get to see all of the QF dishes being tasted.

Bottom 3 is Leah, Jaime, and HBR, and the Top 3 is Stefan, Jeff, and Hosea, with Stefan winning, for both his bean soup (with Spam), and grilled cheese (with Spam). Hosea regrets not licking the tin of Spam before letting Stefan take it.

Since Hung doesn't have a cookbook, he gives Stefan stuff left over in the Bravo prize closet: an 'I'm not your bitch, bitch' t-shirt (size small), and the complete half-season DVD set of that show Bravo did about the New York Daily News, that got canned after a few episodes.

For the elimination, Padma says that they are going back to the basics, and drawing knives from the block, three teams are created: chicken, lamb, and pig. They have to create a seasonal, family-style lunch using those as their proteins.

Possible bad news? Carla might get sunk in the Jaime/Stefan mess about to happen. Also bad? Ariane has to jump around to avoid all of the Hosea/Leah dry-humping.

The promo reveals that 'Restaurant Wars' is next week, since we'll be down to 8 contestants. Can't we have them go revamp a Boston Market, or something? Go run a Five Guys Burgers & Fries for one episode? And I hope to God that Chris Ciccone is not around this time.

The 3 teams go back to the apartment and start on their menus. Hosea says that he and Leah have more experience, but Ariane won a competition cooking lamb, so they'll let her take the lead on this one. Foreshadowing.

Stefan still has the hots for lady-lovin' Jaime, but they still butt heads all of the time, and Carlagoddess says that she can't cook with that kind of energy around. She needs pizzazz!

Fabiospeak to his group (while I swear it looks like he's about to stick his finger straight up his nose.

Fabiospeak: "They wan-a seemple lahnch. So, I said, 'No Eendian (cam pans to HBR), no overtheenkeeng (pans to Jeff), no Eetalian (pans back to Fabio)'. Let's komm up wit-a plahn dat work well wit deh all of us. Seemple, fresh-a seasonal lahnch."

Jaime also gets in a 'boyfriend' dig, telling Fabio to "tell your boyfriend that we left a menu for him". When they meet up, he won't change it up, and she starts the "you have immunity, so we're in danger" speech, which gets her called a douchebag. I might like Stefan, after all.

5AM the next morning, and Fabio is already dressed, drinking coffee.

Fabiospeak: "Ees deh mohneeng of eleemeenation. I lookeeng outside, deh's not eeven deh sun. N-I'm like, 'What-a time ees it? Ees fi' deh mohneeng'!"

Sequoia produt placement? Check. They're off to somewhere.

Fabiospeak: "We are-a driveeng now, and deh ees booshes, trees evreewheh, eh I'm like, 'Doesn't look-a like goweeng to deh Whole Foods Mahket'."

They end up at a farm/restaurant and Jaime knows the owner/chef, and she's super-confident, because it's TOTALLY the kind of food she does. You just KNOW that she wishes they were visiting a fishery where they raise scallops.

I would have sworn that it was Padma standing there in a big floppy hat, except that she's not talking. It's one of the head farmers from the place.

Fabiospeak: "So, we gonna cook ah de fahrm. Deh bad theengs ees we probubbly won' fin' dee selection des gonna be at deh store. Deh good theengs ees dat deh selections dat ees gonna be dere ees so fresh."

(Less cheftestants means mors confessionals for everyone, and more Fabiospeak, and my fingers are hurtin'! Even Leah gets some confessional time, and you know what THAT means, if they finally have to resort to showing her talk.)

Fabiospeak: "I am-a defehly not a vegetarium. Buh dees does nah meen dat I don' reshpeck another life. You born, you be rays-ed, eh you get keeled for the porpoise. Bot steel, in thees lifetime, you shuh deserve reshpeck."

I already have a full-time job! This recap is going to take me like 40 hours!

And here comes my least fave part of the eppy. The promo for the fugly 'Millionaire Matchmaker' bitch. I would rather watch the entire season of 'The Rachel Zoe Project' instead of one minute of this show. At least she doesn't do the things in the promo she did last season, where she drops rose petals and awkwardly shuffles her feet backwards.

OMeffin'G! In the mini clip where they're not really back from commercial yet, Stefan talks about being the only guy there, with farmer lady, Jaime, Carlagoddess, and 140 hens. "I'm the only cock in the stall! Cock! I love that!" I'm strangely attracted to him, but it might be because he pisses off Jaime so much.

I was hoping that they would have to slaughter the animals themselves, but when they enter the kitchen, the proteins are already cut up and laid out for them. *sigh*

*dun dun dunnnh!* Warning! Team Pork is doing the kiss of death dessert, créme brulee. Somewhere, Betty from Season 2 is shouting, "Noooooo! Don't do it!" at her TV.

Fabiospeak: "So I'm-a stotting to meex deh theengs wit' hand-a. Stotting to chop deh vegtubble, an' getting a-ready as mush theengs as I-a can. Rah-dee-hah, deh first hour I don' know whuh she's do-eeng. She took almost one hour to peel eh greel ten copp of corn. What?" (And he does a big, mock shrug.) 'Rah-dee-hah'!

Tom visits the kitchen, and notes several things:
- Team Lamb took the meat off the bone, so it won't be max tasty.
- Team Chicken is making soup, though it's warm out. HOW CAN IT BE WARM OUT IF IT WAS CHRISTMAS JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO?
- Team Pork is making a créme brulee, and someone was already kicked off this season for making it. *dun dun DUNNNH!*

Meat Queen Ariane can't tie a roast (really? WTF?), so Leah reluctantly steps in to do it for her.

I realize that Padma is not really wearing the crazy outfits she used to wear on the show.

Fabiospeak: 'We ah serveeng lahnch today foh deh fahmers eh deh peeple workeeng deh fahm today. En also for Dan Bahbur, which ees execteev cheh deh Blue Heels Restront, Tom Coleekeo, Padma, eh Tohbee Yong-a. So, he has to be perfeck."

One of Team Lamb's sides is roasted rosemary garlic potatoes, which I make all of the time, and is therefore not TC-worthy.

Team Pork misses an opprotunity by not having Fabio present the food, but it lets me rest for a moment, anyway, while Jeff introduces them as the Three Little Pigs.

There's a little kid at one of the tables, clutching her dad while Jeff talks about the pork dishes. In my head, her name is Fern, and she's upset because they just cooked Wilbur.

Again, they're talking about the soup on a hot day. There's some bitch who starts complaining about serving consommé in the summertime. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT THEY DID NOT CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS 4 WEEKS AGO!

Yay! They all love Carla's dessert tart!

Poll! But it's boring. "Which team 'honored the protein' best?" Amount I care = 0%. I wanna find out if Leah is honoring Hosea's protein.

HOLY FUCK! It's Betty from Season 2! And poor Stephanie again, who won last season, and apparently can't translate that into any deals that make her money. They're doing another DIET DR. PEPPER commercial/recipe. Betty looks tore up, and makes DDP flaming cherries over black pepper ice cream, and they both overreact when she lights it. Once again, I do not care enough to go to bravo.com to find out what Stephanie thinks about it.

'Restaurant Wars' has been promoed 4 times at this point.

Team Chicken gets called in first, so, unless they're switching format, they had the best dishes. Gay Dan Farmer Guy says that all three have won, and Stefan hugs and gives Jaime a forehead smooch, since that's as high as she comes up to him. He turns and shakes Carla's hand and then kisses her, and in her confessional, she says, "Finally got my win! I'm on the board! WOO-HOO!" Hootie-hoo, girl! There's no prize for the winners, except the smug satisfaction at getting to go back to the Stew Room to call everyone else back to Judge's Table.

Unhappiness all around, but Team Lamb gets the brunt of it, especially Ariane and Leah (who?). You can tell that the stuff they say to Team Pork is kinda manufactured, just to make it seem like they were equally bad.

Fabiospeak: "We wuh lookeeng eh deh beegeeneeng foh a sort of chehree tomato sauce. Theh was-a no chehree tomato available een deh keetchen. So, I decided to make some light-a paysto." He gets told that it was very heavy. "Too motch-a paysto?"

Helena Bonham Radhika is asked by Tom if making the salad and dessrt took all three hours. This is fake drama, of course, since they didn't ask Carla if it took all three hours to make the tart.

I have to giggle at Toby saying, "When I'm faced with a beautiful, well-reared piece of meat, I don't want to stand back and admire it. I want to have full-blown, unprotected sex." I also giggle at the look Tom gives him at this.

They try to make it look like it's going to be Ariane, but Padma admits that Leah hung back, did almost nothing, and let Ariane take the fall.

The poll results show that the VFTW people were on the phones tonight, because Team Lamb gets 63% to 14% for Team Chicken, and 23% for Team Pork. I think it was Leah, already in the sequester apartment, making those calls.

We find that Team Pork is safe, mostly because of fried green tomatoes. Really? I didn't see Kathy Bates or Jessica Tandy anywhere.

NO! FUCK! I BEEN BAMBOOZLED! It's Ariane, and not Leah! She calls Hosea a wimp in a confessional. Back in the Stew Room, Jaime is eaither really upset that she's going, or gives a Best Supporting Lesbian performance at the news.

Next week: Restaurant Wars! (we KNOW! You told us 5 times already!) And they really hint that Hosea and Leah have teh sexxors.