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My 57th favorite Buffy episode of all time:

Season 3, episode 15.

Written by Marty Noxon.

Faith handles stabbing a man in the chest in all the wrong ways, leading the people around her to try and help her by shouting at her, punching her in the face, and tying her up in chains.

This is the turning point of season 3. This is where everybody takes sides. Faith realizes she's an evil maniac, while Buffy decides that she's a boring moral compass. The mayor is revealed as the villain he is. Trick gets dusted and is replaced by Faith. Wesley does something unforgivable and then starts showing signs of remorse. Even Willow and Xander get to grow up and learn a few important life lessons. In short, this had the potential to become a masterpiece, a work of art, as it has so much going for it. Instead, we ended up with just a very, very good episode.

So why didn't this game-changer end up in the company of legends like "Innocence" and "Angel"? Why is it only number 57 on this list? Because it's not enough for an episode to be a game-changer. it also has to do it in a game-changing way. I felt that "Consequences" had a lot of missed opportunities, mainly because it played "by the book" for the most part.

Let me explain what I'm getting at. Marty Noxon is quite talented, but every time she does an "emotional" episode, it feels sort of flat. The script is kinda melodramatic, and the acting is kinda melodramatic, and the whole thing screams "you need to feel troubled by the goings on, RIGHT NOW!!!". There's no subtlety, no thinking for yourself. When Buffy and Faith were in the alley, with Buffy acting as the voice of reason and Faith as the warning sign for slayers gone bad, it got so educational that I had to turn my gaze from the TV for a bit. When Angel had Faith in chains and was lecturing her about how to deal with the bad bad badness that's inside us all, I wondered what show I was watching.

When the episode wasn't acting melodramatic, it was acting "epic". Sometimes the score literally came out of the loudspeakers and told me that what's taking place on the screen is indeed bigger than life and oh so very important. Again, I wish they would have gone for more subtlety, letting the events themselves dictate the tone of the episode instead of pounding us with what we should be thinking and feeling in every step of the way.

With all that being said, it was still great for the most part. It had a lot of moments that were really well-handled and well-done. Faith telling Giles that Buffy was the one to kill Finch really had me at the edge of my seat, worried for the fate of our heroine. Xander trying to help Faith was endearing and worrying at the same time. Cordelia meeting Wesley for the first time was hilarious, mostly due to Alexis' physical comedy.

This episode had a very strange mix of very good parts and very bad ones. Ultimately, the bas parts get outweighed by the good parts, but they keep this episode from being the excellent episode it could have been.

High point: Willow crying in the bathroom after discovering Faith took Xander's virginity away. It's unbelievable how heartbreaking two seconds of television can be, all thanks to Allison's great acting (and waterworks) skills.

Low point: Buffy and Faith at the docks. Buffy, if you came there to help Faith, why are you running away the moment she starts speaking, and why are you punching her when she continues to do so? That's not very helpful, now, is it?

Quality Quote:

WILLOW: I-it's like all of a sudden I-I'm not cool enough for you because I can't kill things with my bare hands.
Buffy suddenly bursts into **!#%.
WILLOW: Oh! Oh, Buffy! Don't cry. I'm sorry. I-I was too hard on you. Sometimes I unleash. I-I don't know my own strength.

That was the most adorable thing in the history of the universe.

Riddle: how many leopard cubs were killed to the $$+%%* Buffy is wearing at the docks?

Real Riddle: Buffy gets investigated after being suspected of murdering someone. Name one other occasion when she was suspected of murder, and two occasions when she suspected herself of murder.

My 56th least favorite Buffy episode of all time:

Season 5, episode 15.

Written by Jane Espenson.

There's a new girl in town named April (not the Barbie bitch from Big Brother, and not the other Barbie bitch from Big Brother, either), and she's looking for her boyfriend, Warren. Have you seen him?

Much like "Intervention" had to deal with coming after "The Body" and "Forever", this episode had to deal with coming right before them. They chose to handle it by presenting us with lightheartedness and fun, so that the blow would be harder. And it was, so kudos for them. But if "I was made to love you" has one problem, it's that it's too lighthearted and fun.

Raise your hand if this episode has left any impact on you whatsoever after you've watched. Right, no hands raised. It supposedly deals with complicated issues such as love and devotion, but it barely scratches the surface of it, and what we're left with is a few (admittedly poignant) scattered sentences about the subject, separated by surfacey stuff.

Luckily, they gave Jane Espenson the chance to write the surfacey stuff, so it came out alright. Anya getting annoyed with the robotness of April, not noticing that she herself is a robot; the comedic timing of Ben finding himself in Glory's dress; Buffy and Dawn making Joyce spin in her dress (maybe that's why she dies a little later). It's all great. But that's just decoration on top of the real story in the episode: April programmed to look for Warren even though he has no interest in her anymore. And that part never really "clicked".

Maybe the problem lies with the acting of the woman playing April. I know it's her job to act robotic, but maybe if she mixed it with a few human gestures it would have worked better.

And maybe the problem lies with our lack of connection to the goings on. This is Warren's first appearance, and he's yet to become a murdering maniac - here he's just a disgusting douchebag. Why should we care for - or against - him if he's a one-episode character (at least at that point), and why should we care for April if she's a frigging robot? Much like "Beauty and the Beasts", our emotional connection to the situation is supposed to come from Buffy and her own love\attachment issues, but that's a weak connection, as she's not going through anything big this episode, she merely decides to not date Ben.

Again, this episode is neat, but it's not a long-term investment, if you understand what I'm saying. You won't find underlying brilliance here, so look somewhere else. You will find enjoinment here, and the shock of seeing Joyce lying on the couch, lifeless, wouldn't have hit us so hard if it wasn't for said enjoinment.

High point: I don't know why, as it's so random, but I really loved how they shot the Xander\Buffy conversation near the end of the episode. The lighting was beautiful.

And Warren revealing that April is in fact a robot, only for Buffy to go "Uh-huh?", was great, great stuff.

Low point: All the attempts to make April look sympathetic didn't really work. Like when she walks from door to door, or when the guys at the café make fun of her. Why should I fell for her when she doesn't feel for herself?

Quality Quote:

BUFFY: Oh! Puffy Xander, uh, I'm sorry, I got ... guess I got carried away. Are you okay?
XANDER: I'm alive. I can tell 'cause of the pain.

The whole notion of Puffy Xander in itself is ingenious, if I may say so.

Oh, and…

ANYA: Oh, that girl. Tara and I met her. She speaks with a strange evenness and selects her words a shade too precisely.

Riddle: Who was originally supposed to play April?

My 56th favorite Buffy episode of all time:

Season 7, episode 12.

Written by Rebecca Rand Kirshner.

While Buffy is taking the potentials under her very lecture-y wing, Dawn feels left out. That changes when Willow's spell reveals that she, as well, is a potential slayer. That changes back when she realizes it was all an unfortunate misunderstanding.

Yeah, I know, season 7 sucks and this episode is a typical season 7 episode, so what is it doing so high? The reason is simple - it's my list! Get away from my list! It's my list, and I'll give bogus rankings if I want to, I'll give bogus rankings if I want to, I'll give bogus rankings if I want to.

Ok, I'll stop that now.

Basically, what we're dealing with here is an episode with a whole lot of nothing. I mean it - nothing happens here. At the start, Dawn thinks she's a potential and the real potentials go for a field trip to gain some fighting experience. At the end of it, Dawn discovers that she's not a potential and the real potentials kill a vampire. A regular vampire, not even an uber one. That's it. That's all that happens. It will be remembered as the episode in which Dawn finds out she's not a potential. An action-packed episode if you will.

Seriously, the whole episode was Dawn and Amanda chasing a vampire and\or being chased by it. And when we weren't being shown that shit, we were privileged to hear a few more pointless season 7 Buffy speeches. So all in all, not the best material in the world.

So again it begs the question, what is this episode doing about 50 places higher than what would be expected from it? The short answer is, once again, it's my list, and it's in no way objective. And the just-as-short answer is, in two words, Xander's monologue.

Let me refresh your memories before I go on:

XANDER: I saw what you did last night.
DAWN: Yeah, I? (embarrassed) I guess I kinda lost my head when I thought I was the slayer.
XANDER: You thought you were all special. Miss Sunnydale 2003. And the minute you found out you weren't, you handed the crown to Amanda without a moment's pause. You gave her your power.
DAWN: (shrugs) The power wasn't mine.
XANDER: They'll never know how tough it is, Dawnie, to be the one who isn't chosen. To live so near to the spotlight and never step in it. But I know. I see more than anybody realizes because nobody's watching me. I saw you last night. I see you working here today. You're not special. You're extraordinary. (stands, kisses her forehead, starts to walk out of the room)
DAWN: (%+%## welling in her eyes, calls after him) Maybe that's your power.
XANDER: What?
DAWN: Seeing. Knowing.
XANDER: Maybe it is. Maybe I should get a cape.
DAWN: Cape is good.
XANDER: Yeah. (leaves the room)

It really got me, that one. I think it's because of how real it felt - the show so often feels bigger-than-life and grandiose; so much that I have a hard time imagining myself in those situations, me, the non-which, non-slayer, non-vampire human self. And then here comes Xander, a full-on mortal, and talks about what it feels like to be surrounded by legends and not being one. And that gave me something to connect to, something I could understand as a mostly-normal person who's watching this show about superheroes and villains. It was a unique moment where the show stopped being a fantasy show and became a documentary about people who happen to live in a supernatural environment.

Oh, and I also really liked it when Buffy stopped with those long-ass speeches of hers for a moment and instead locked the potentials alone in the vampire's nest. That was hardcore, and it contained what was missing the most from this season - less talking, more doing.

High point: Obviously, Xander's speech. He should've taken over the speech-giving instead of Buffy. Also, Clem is always a welcome addition to the show.

Low point: scene after scene of pointless vampire chase at the high school. We've covered that in the first episode of the series.

Quality Quote: Vi, AKA Felicia Day, ruled this episode with her puns. For evidence:

SPIKE: Vi, do you think I care about a fair fight?
VI: (tentatively) No, no sir. You don't play by the rules, and I have learned a valuable lesson of some sort.

BUFFY: Rona, what did your instincts tell you to do just then?
RONA: (by rote) Block his attack, keep him off balance, gain the advantage...?
BUFFY: No, they didn't.
RONA: (frankly) They told me to run.
BUFFY: Vi?
VI: They told me to run. They're still sort of telling me to run.

RONA: I'm sure the vampire thought we were like, what, four helpless girls. And then Vi actually yells, "We're just four helpless girls."
VI: That was part of my plan.

Riddle: this is an easy one, but it would be painful for most of you to answer it: who were the potentials present on the field trip, and how many of them got out of the season alive and well?