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Dying 13-Year-Old Gets His Wish, Will Pork Janet Jackson
[Originally Published in The Onion around 1994]

TRUMBULL, CT -- Leukemia patient Tommy Garalski will soon have his greatest desire fulfilled.

Through the magic of the Grant-A-Wish Foundation, the 13-year-old Trumbull resident will have the chance to pork curvaceous pop songstress Janet Jackson.

Unlike other terminally ill children who opt for trips to Disneyland, Garalski has more libidinous pleasures in mind. "Why would I choose to see Mickey Mouse over the chance to present my gift of living sausage to the woman behind such hits as 'Nasty Boys' and 'Escapade'?" he asked.

"She's probably used to doin' it with cool rock stars," added the young invalid, who doctors say has three months left at most. "But I'm working hard on my look."

With the help of his mother, Garalski has picked out a new shirt from Marshall's in preparation for his evening with Jackson. He is also considering breaking his usual schedule and not wearing his orthodontic night brace during the actual porking.

With her sultry, steamy image, Jackson has surprised observers with her willingness to have sex with a small, homely boy. "The example set by my loving father, Joseph, is something I've carried with me my whole life," she said. "I'm so happy to give my love to a child in need, just as my father always gave it to us."

The porking, scheduled to take place next Saturday, will kick off Jackson's "Save the Children" World Tour, sponsored by Diet Pepsi. Pending the ironing-out of some last-minute details, the romantic interlude will be broadcast live on pay-per-view TV.

Garalski only has to wait a few more days before porking Jackson. But, as one might expect, the leukemia patient is getting impatient. "Sometimes I'll just sit back and watch Janet on MTV," Garalski said. "I've always dreamed of getting into her pants, and now, thanks to my terminal illness, it's going to happen at last."

Sometimes, it would seem, dreams do come true.