Visible from my front window, the douchebags have draped pre-lit garland swags along their porch railing. Only one swag is actually visible. The others are
hidden behind obese shrubbery. Why bother at all if you can't showcase ALL your swags? To add insult, this pre-lit garland does tricks. Fading, racing,
pulsing, flickering. Instead of choosing just ONE special effect, they have set the fucking thing to "ALL." I am at my most miserable when it shows
just one color of light at a time because there are only about 7 bulbs for each color. It's not pretty. It looks like illuminated zits. And that giant
shrub? It would have taken just an average step-ladder to decorate the living greenery with lights but no. They were too lazy and they just flung lights on the
exposed lower branches. Who the fuck decorates only the bottom of a tree that is NOT a palm tree? Hideous, offensive, possibly a felony.
Down the street... a house with so many unforgivable holiday mistakes that I am now robbed of even the tiny nugget of holiday altruism that was just starting to bloom inside my heart. Forget Toys For Tots this year. Instead I'm giving vodka to street people and will observe them to see if they pass out drunk in a gutter so I can take a rectal temperature reading for my log.
Among the violations:
Net lights on bushes. NET LIGHTS! Aren't we DONE with those? Hideous things, square patterns of lights, so obviously just flung there in haste. And they don't cover the entire bush. The back is devoid of twinkling merriment. Shameful.
Spotlit white deer made of wood. Two of them. One grazing, one standing. At night one of them is lit red and one is lit green. Each have a huge red ribbon tied around their necks. I am SICK TO DEATH of lawn-deer. Those wire-framed, illuminated ones, too. Who buys into that? Glowing deer made of lights. I had a bad acid trip once that featured glowing deer made of lights. A friend spent two hours talking me down from that shit.
Centered between the illuminated deer -- a nativity scene. Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus. I think a camel or something. Also white wood, two-dimensional cut-outs. Jesus gets the white spotlight. The nativity scene is about 9 inches tall. The deer flanking it are more than 3 feet tall. The glaringly disproportionate scale causes my balls to shrink every time I see it and then all my junk is not to scale as well. Those giant deer could EAT baby Jesus. Easily. They are menacing beasts, even with the red ribbons.
That nativity scene is perched on a gift box. No shit. White paper with silver snowflakes.
Interspersed throughout all of that -- those miniature wire-framed trees, about 10 inches tall. The trees are as big as Joseph and Mary but the deer tower over the entire tableau. Some trees glow with white lights, some with multi-colored lights. It's... beyond offensive.
Scattered around the vicinity at other residences: blow-ups. Dozens of them. Teddy bears and big-ass moose and snowglobes with shit inside and gay elves and half-inflated Santas, swaying drunkenly in the wind.
A house that didnt have enough garland to wrap a column so they created ONE twist. ONE! They also have a crooked wreath and I hate them. Furthermore, their door-knocker is stupid.
And the obvious: light strands that are uneven, hung in haste. Excess bulbs dangling down from framed windows to reach the only available outlet -- tails of lights that do not belong.
Mixing BIG bulbs with small bulbs. Colored with white. Flashing with steady with strobing with moving. People who think rope-lights are acceptable for Christmas: they are NOT.
OH!
And the new shit -- those deeply colored lights, the really vivid ones. They are ubiquitous now, and no longer special.
Have you seen the hanging snowflakes? They are absolutely everywhere, too. Some are just white and those are tolerable. But some have blue in them. And some will flash and flicker and strobe, forcing seizures upon little children and innocent drug abusers who happen to be strolling by.
Voice all your holiday decoration disdain here. Include photos. I may do the same but I'm lazy so don't bet on it.
Down the street... a house with so many unforgivable holiday mistakes that I am now robbed of even the tiny nugget of holiday altruism that was just starting to bloom inside my heart. Forget Toys For Tots this year. Instead I'm giving vodka to street people and will observe them to see if they pass out drunk in a gutter so I can take a rectal temperature reading for my log.
Among the violations:
Net lights on bushes. NET LIGHTS! Aren't we DONE with those? Hideous things, square patterns of lights, so obviously just flung there in haste. And they don't cover the entire bush. The back is devoid of twinkling merriment. Shameful.
Spotlit white deer made of wood. Two of them. One grazing, one standing. At night one of them is lit red and one is lit green. Each have a huge red ribbon tied around their necks. I am SICK TO DEATH of lawn-deer. Those wire-framed, illuminated ones, too. Who buys into that? Glowing deer made of lights. I had a bad acid trip once that featured glowing deer made of lights. A friend spent two hours talking me down from that shit.
Centered between the illuminated deer -- a nativity scene. Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus. I think a camel or something. Also white wood, two-dimensional cut-outs. Jesus gets the white spotlight. The nativity scene is about 9 inches tall. The deer flanking it are more than 3 feet tall. The glaringly disproportionate scale causes my balls to shrink every time I see it and then all my junk is not to scale as well. Those giant deer could EAT baby Jesus. Easily. They are menacing beasts, even with the red ribbons.
That nativity scene is perched on a gift box. No shit. White paper with silver snowflakes.
Interspersed throughout all of that -- those miniature wire-framed trees, about 10 inches tall. The trees are as big as Joseph and Mary but the deer tower over the entire tableau. Some trees glow with white lights, some with multi-colored lights. It's... beyond offensive.
Scattered around the vicinity at other residences: blow-ups. Dozens of them. Teddy bears and big-ass moose and snowglobes with shit inside and gay elves and half-inflated Santas, swaying drunkenly in the wind.
A house that didnt have enough garland to wrap a column so they created ONE twist. ONE! They also have a crooked wreath and I hate them. Furthermore, their door-knocker is stupid.
And the obvious: light strands that are uneven, hung in haste. Excess bulbs dangling down from framed windows to reach the only available outlet -- tails of lights that do not belong.
Mixing BIG bulbs with small bulbs. Colored with white. Flashing with steady with strobing with moving. People who think rope-lights are acceptable for Christmas: they are NOT.
OH!
And the new shit -- those deeply colored lights, the really vivid ones. They are ubiquitous now, and no longer special.
Have you seen the hanging snowflakes? They are absolutely everywhere, too. Some are just white and those are tolerable. But some have blue in them. And some will flash and flicker and strobe, forcing seizures upon little children and innocent drug abusers who happen to be strolling by.
Voice all your holiday decoration disdain here. Include photos. I may do the same but I'm lazy so don't bet on it.
