It is only at this time of year do we encounter the mysterious holiday nut bowl.
It differs from the nut bowls offered at other times of the year.
The rest of the year, there are NO SHELLS.
Even as soon as Superbowl Sunday, all nuts will revert back to their shelled, easy-to-manage counterparts.
But for now, we're stuck dealing with the shells. I want to know WHY.
Oh, hostess is providing the nutcrackers and the picks and that's just swell. She even has an adorable wicker basket in which to place the discarded husks.
I suspect that this "tradition" has something to do with those hideous, frightening German nutcrackers that show up every year and scare little children and adults alike. Would any of YOU put ANYTHING into the gaping jaws of something German? I know I would not. No, sir.
They're supposed to be whimsical, I think. I find no whimsy there. Only the stuff of nightmares. And NO ONE has ever put out a German nutcracker to use to crack the nuts in the nut bowl. This is because they are inefficient. They are "decorative pieces" that are to be observed and admired. You just can't go about ruining them with various nut-oils.
So we get the standard metal nutcrackers instead. And we must FIGHT to extract our nuts. Nuts do not come easily during the holidays and you'd think what with ALL we have to do someone would think: "maybe I shouldn't force them to spend so much time getting nuts." I don't have any energy left during the hectic holiday season to PICK INSIDE SHELLS TO GET BITS OF NUTS! I may look like a forest creature and I can use rudimentary tools to obtain food but I've evolved enough to toss things in the microwave instead.
It's inconsiderate, the holiday nut bowl.
I don't feel as though I should have to expend even a single calorie to get the nut-flesh I need.
Let me tell you something else, too: NO ONE WANTS THE BRAZIL NUTS. The mighty nut-conglomerates pack the mixed bags with Brazil nuts at Christmas just so they can get rid of them. You know it's true. Examine your nut-bowl once the guests leave. It will be 88% ignored Brazil nuts. Make a fucking necklace with them, I guess.
We DO want the almonds and we DO want the walnuts but we WANT THEM SHELLED and ready to go. CONVENIENCE, people. It's all about convenience.
And why are peanuts relegated to nut-purgatory at Christmas? Oh, sure. A few folks will put some in a dish but never enough. Peanuts are the "go-to" nut at all other times of the year but they take a backseat to all the other nuts during the holidays. I know they are a legume -- don't get into semantics with me, fuck-face.
I have thoughts on pistachios, too but I'm going to hold back on that for now.
It differs from the nut bowls offered at other times of the year.
The rest of the year, there are NO SHELLS.
Even as soon as Superbowl Sunday, all nuts will revert back to their shelled, easy-to-manage counterparts.
But for now, we're stuck dealing with the shells. I want to know WHY.
Oh, hostess is providing the nutcrackers and the picks and that's just swell. She even has an adorable wicker basket in which to place the discarded husks.
I suspect that this "tradition" has something to do with those hideous, frightening German nutcrackers that show up every year and scare little children and adults alike. Would any of YOU put ANYTHING into the gaping jaws of something German? I know I would not. No, sir.
They're supposed to be whimsical, I think. I find no whimsy there. Only the stuff of nightmares. And NO ONE has ever put out a German nutcracker to use to crack the nuts in the nut bowl. This is because they are inefficient. They are "decorative pieces" that are to be observed and admired. You just can't go about ruining them with various nut-oils.
So we get the standard metal nutcrackers instead. And we must FIGHT to extract our nuts. Nuts do not come easily during the holidays and you'd think what with ALL we have to do someone would think: "maybe I shouldn't force them to spend so much time getting nuts." I don't have any energy left during the hectic holiday season to PICK INSIDE SHELLS TO GET BITS OF NUTS! I may look like a forest creature and I can use rudimentary tools to obtain food but I've evolved enough to toss things in the microwave instead.
It's inconsiderate, the holiday nut bowl.
I don't feel as though I should have to expend even a single calorie to get the nut-flesh I need.
Let me tell you something else, too: NO ONE WANTS THE BRAZIL NUTS. The mighty nut-conglomerates pack the mixed bags with Brazil nuts at Christmas just so they can get rid of them. You know it's true. Examine your nut-bowl once the guests leave. It will be 88% ignored Brazil nuts. Make a fucking necklace with them, I guess.
We DO want the almonds and we DO want the walnuts but we WANT THEM SHELLED and ready to go. CONVENIENCE, people. It's all about convenience.
And why are peanuts relegated to nut-purgatory at Christmas? Oh, sure. A few folks will put some in a dish but never enough. Peanuts are the "go-to" nut at all other times of the year but they take a backseat to all the other nuts during the holidays. I know they are a legume -- don't get into semantics with me, fuck-face.
I have thoughts on pistachios, too but I'm going to hold back on that for now.
