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THE SASSY LATIN MOM

SANDRA DIAZ TWINE

Look, I know that by writing the above seven words, I have just unleashed an absolute shitstorm. People will shriek in protest. Riots will be had in the streets. "SANDRA IS CPP!" "SANDRA IS THE HERO TO JON'S VILLAIN!" To those people who will whine and complain and bitch about how stupid this list is, I offer the following:



"And I was like...Oooh shit."

Sandra then goes into the village with the rest of the Drake tribe to haggle for deals, and she is extremely helpful as she speaks Spanish. In a shop with Trish, one storeowner began to flirt wiht her, and Sandra decides to share with us her thoughts on the subject. "Y'know, I think the owner had a thing for Trish...


"In a sexual way."

In the Immunity Challenge, the Morgan guys strip down in an attempt to be cool or some such thing. It was extra retarded. Sandra shares her thoughts with the group at large, summing up everyone's feelings:


"They'd better hope they don't lose their weenies out here."

She also mercilessly bashes them once the Drakes get back to camp. The Drakes win the next Reward Challenge, and the reward is to pirate something from the Morgans. The Drakes select Sandra to go. The Morgans decide to be clever (which is never a good idea when you're as stupid as they are), so Sandra wanders around for a while going "How did you guys not buy anything at the market?" and "Where the fuck is the water jug?" Finally, she gets fed up and says that she's taking their tarp, shocking the Morgans. Idiots. Anyways, then Sandra isn't allowed to use their knives or anything, and they tell her "do what you gotta do." Sandra declares that she didn't "expect to have to do all this damn work." So she basically rips down all their shelter and when they get annoyed with her she responds:


"I gotta do what I gotta do."

Lul. Owned. Although in fairness, it's really easy to own the assclowns that make up the Morgan tribe (minus Lil who is one of the best castaways in the history of the show). Sandra then goes quiet until Episode Three, when she and Jon get in a fight over their swimming abilities. As I said in the intro, Sandra can barely swim, but she manages to take great offense when Jon suggests she sit out in the swimming challenge. Sandra shares with the camera that "Jon just doesn't like to admit he's the weakest one on the tribe."


Jon flying off the handle at Sandra. I don't know why anyone would think all 140 pounds of him was weak.

Anyways, Jon yells the word fuck at Sandra one too many times, and shit gets real. Sandra flies up and screams:



"I CAN GET LOUD TOO WHAT THE FUCK?!"


Usually quiet as a mouse.


Jon Vs. Sandra in a boxing match...I think I would bet on Sandra.

In a gross food challenge, Sandra is chosen as the weakest and has to do the sudden death tie breaker which she loses:


"I CAN DRINK THIS DOWN TOO WHAT THE FUCK!?"

Anyways, they lose but she blames Michelle for not playing it up enough lul. So Michelle goes home, teaching everyone it pays to be one of Rupert's Angels. The next episode, she repays the favour by saving Rupert after Trish and Jon plot to rid themselves of him:


She certainly looks okay with the plan.

Anyways, at that Tribal, Sandra spits venom at Trish during her vote:


"We knew you were a snake since DAY ONE. Goodbye, adios."

And here's Trish's vote for the lulz.


The new Souna?

Anyways, while Sandra did come up with the "as long as it's not me" strategy, people often think she was a Rupert lackey. I ask you to witness this, circa Episode 8:


"We need to get rid of Rupert and Burton sooner rather than later."

That's right, bitches! Plotting Rupert's downfall before Jon was. And then she proposed an all-female alliance.


Sandra leading the women to find food without the men, to see if they can survive.

During the coconut challenge, Sandra gets knocked out mid-game, but when Jon puts a coconut in her bin, she does this:


Such a good sportswoman.

Anyways, it's widely speculated that Sandra knew about Rupert's blindside and voted for Jon for a reason. This is supported somewhat by Sandra's hilarious habit of eavesdropping on conversations via the bushes.


Bond girl.

Anyways, at that Tribal, Jeff asks Sandra who they couldn't live without and she says Rupert because without him they would be "ASS OUT, JEFF. ASS OUT." She also shares that "Jon wakes up at noon, he has a special place where he takes a nap. Let it be known that Jon does not wash a dish and cannot clean a fish."


Dr. Seuss Character?

Anyways, Sandra goes back to camp after Rupert is blindsided and shit gets real. "Where's that snake motherfucker Jon? Tell you what, ain't nobody can trust that motherfucker! Ladies, he cannot be trusted! He will backstab you in a fucking heartbeat like he did everybody here. Every time a plan went down you put it together, Jon! I hope these three ladies turn on your ass."


Looks sort of like the pose of a drunk great uncle.

Anyways, Sandra threw the fish out and when they ask her if she would do it, she goes, "No I'm hungry, why the FUCK would I throw the fish out?! I was screaming at that MOTHERFUCKER!"



We have no idea who actually did throw the fish out until...


"I decided I didn't want them to enjoy Rupert's fish. So I got to camp first and I grabbed the bucket of fish and I tripped and spilled the entire bucket. And so I started arguing
with that motherfucker Jon, and it saved me because now they can't prove I did it. Now I'm in a bind, because if I told her I would only have three days left."

The next reward is the family reward, and the infamous Dead Grandma lie goes down, and leaves the tribe looking like this:






And then when she gets an answer right her first pick is...


"Fairplay's buddy."

Lil admonishes her and Sandra shrugs it off. Then she mindfucks Tijuana and Darrah into voting for Burton and she shares this kind thought with Christa:


"We will crush Burton, just like he crushed Rupert."

Then came the infamous swearing on the child incident. This is one of the biggest reasons Sandra is a villain. Look, Twila did it just two seasons later and she was edited as the biggest bitch this side of the Atlantic. But Sandra did it and it's omglulz. Which it is. But still. So Sandra and Jon are going to take out Darrah, and Sandra's hands are under a blanket. Jon requests she not cross her fingers and swear on her children, which she does....except...


"So I swore on my kids, but under my breath I said, 'I'm gonna screw you AND Burton."

So Sandra goes on to take the win, and was hilarious the entire way. And I hope someone out there understands why I consider her a villain. A lovable villain, but a villain nonetheless.

The Low Down on Sandra

For a survivor villain to last, they need to bring something to the table to allow them to survive and to entertain us. Here's Sandra's questionnaire.

CAN THE VILLAIN STAY ALIVE? She has an amazing strategy, and there's been a backlash against her game. But guess what, Sandra knew when to make moves and was smart and aggressive about it. One of the best winners ever, in my opinion.
CAN THE VILLAIN SURVIVE? She can barely swim, she's weak, and she's not great at mental challenges. She's a long-shot to survive most pre-merges.
IS THE VILLAIN QUOTABLE? Hilarious on all accounts, often in spite of herself.
IS THEIR EDGIC ADMIRABLE? MORP3 - OTTN2 - OTTN2 - UTR1 - UTRP2 - MOR2 - CPP2 - MORP1 - MOR1 - CP2 - CP3 - CPP3 - CPP3

I've already let my disagreement with this Edgic be known.