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Randy's a wedding videographer that hates marriage. Randy said the only thing he openly loved recently was his long-dead dog. Randy also said that he "bullied people of lower intellects." One can only assume that you would have to be in a field as intellectually stimulating as his to understand. Maybe like...hot dog vendor or volleyball coach. On top of all of this, Randy cited Ami's strategy of letting others hang themselves as his main strategy going in. There are two important things to note from this statement:

1) Randy Bailey likes Ami. Villains gotta stick together in a tough world.
2) Randy Bailey, who called himself "mean, blunt, angry and sarcastic (yet charming)" was going to attempt to play the UTR borewhore card.

I could barely wait.

Randy's Story

You know how we all get the confessionals telling us about where the contestants came from? You know the type. "Hi, I'm Bob. I'm a manorexic from Maine." Well, Randy decided to share this with us:


"I edit wedding videos for a living. But I kind of hate marriage. I will never get married."

Much to Randy's displeasure, he got thrown on a tribe with Gillian, who is one of the most chipper and positive people on the face of planet. Seriously, Barney the purple dinosaur would want to punch her in the nose. Anyways, she goes on at length about how Fang didn't truly lose the challenge and how great elephant dung is and everyone seems to treat it as pretty normal behaviour, until Randy informs us of this:


"I have concluded...*dramatic pause*....that Gillian is annoying."

Randy nails his head on a wayward branch that night, getting a pretty deep cut. Let me just say, if I was Randy, I would have come up with a way cooler story than that. Thankfully, Fang had an excellent nurse in the form of Gillian, who was thrown into a tizzy of unhelpfulness.


"Well you should wash it! And bandage it! But we don't have bandages....Or clean water. Sorry lul!!"

We get a great Randy-Gillian scene at the Immunity Challenge, while they wait for the usual Fang suckage to continue. Gillian cheers obnoxiously, until Jeff is basically like "bitch stfu you lost." Gillian then informs him (and the world that):


"IT'S NOT OVER YET!!"

Cue Randy:


"It's over. We've lost."

Anyways, GC got elected leader of Fang and soon after became serially retarded and just made bad decisions all over the place. He was such a mess. And then he got mad when Randy pointed out obvious things ("you don't have to boil the water twice."). Randy then put in place Plan Let The Others Hang Themselves. Learning at the feet of Queen Ami...What a tie-in! GC quits as leader in a fit of anger a few hours after being elected and Randy shares this with us:


"GC stands for Golden Child. Him stepping down as leader was the best decision he's made as leader."

At that Tribal Council, Jeff asks GC about quitting and Randy pipes in and says, "I wouldn't want to lead this group either. I don't blame him at all."


UTR Borewhore.

Anyways, thankfully darkness wins out over light and Gillian's chipper attitude was removed from the tribe:


"Have you heard about the elephant dung?"


"Miss you already."

Back at camp:


"We aren't going to win. It's because these people are idiot. Stupid people. I shouldn't blame them...it's not their fault."

I was going to make fun of Randy being a wedding videographer here, but considering some of Fang's careers included surfer, video game expert, and singer of "My Snatch", he probably wasn't far from the mark. As Principal Skinner put it, it was painful to watch Fang in mental challenges "furrow their brows in a desperate attempt to understand the situation."

In the tribe switch, Randy was chosen as the third most important person, ahead of Crystal who was mad because he could apparently "barely walk."


lol @ Crystal towering over him.

Randy gets stuck with Susie and Dan, who he had just made an alliance with on Fang, and four Kotas. He informs us that if they lose and they want to target either Dan or Susie, he's fine with it, but if it's him:


"I'll burn the camp down."

Randy takes such delight in beating Crystal at challenges that he decides he is sticking Kota yellow to the end. His words also come home to roost at Fang where they run out of rice exactly as Randy predicted they would. At the next challenge, Randy is the caller with Sugar for the other tribe, and he is directing Dan to stop the balls. Sugar is directing Ace. At the last one, he correctly gets Dan to stop it and screams, "FREEZE ACE!" which Ace does losing them the challenge. Here's Sugar trying to stop that from happening:


Feckless.

In the next Reward Challenge, Sugar faces off against Randy and calls him "ugly. An ugly person inside and out." And Randy responds by this:


*fake kiss fake kiss*


DELUSIONAL.

They win letters from home and SHOCKINGLY they do not focus on Randy's letter. I would have killed to know who wrote Randy. Throughout the entire scene, including Bob's embarrassing breakdown, Randy is shown in the background looking distinctly unimpressed.




So misunderstood! <3

Randy somehow replaced Bob in a Final Four with the Onions, which is the most hilarious combination ever. Mactors + A Curmudgeon.


Heart of the Onions.

Anyways, Randy advocates getting rid of Susie, which Kota all considers but then rejects until Corinne and Susie get into a fight. Randy's reaction follows:



Coming back from the Tribal Council, Randy says, "That wasn't easy." and Susie laughs and Randy flips shit which is luls.


"I voted for Susie for a reason."

At the feast, Randy found the Immunity Idol in like twenty seconds and declared himself:


"King of Gabon."

Lasts a long time, too...He is shuffled to Fang with Corinne and Charlie, so he is safe, but Marcus is stuck with Susie and Bob.


"Susie is both stupid and crazy and that's a horrible combination."

Randy then shows us his intelligence when he informs us that there is a one in a million shot of Sugar being smart enough to have an Immunity Idol.


The next Miss Cleo.

At the next Reward Challenge, Fang wins, and on the most insigificant, two foot shot of the game, Randy and Matty get involved in what can only be described as a total bitchfight.




Randy's reaction after winning:





Who knew Randy didn't like old lesbians?

Then Randy went on Reward and thought that a woman there had a crush on him and so he danced even though it hurt his knees. Lul!


Heartwarming.

Anyways, at that Tribal Council Randy describes Crystal and Kenny as a "posse" and a "gang". Which is pretty wildly offensive. With that, Randy joined the ranks of ridiculous Survivor villains like Lisi. Sugar wouldn't stay with the Kotas because Randy is just too foul. Also: she's a mactress.


Entitlement!


*insert possible racially offensive term*

Randy shares his strategy:


"I will continue to be my charming self."

This is Randy after winning something at the Auction:


Unadulterated joy.

Randy then wins cookies and gets to give Sugar's to Corinne, and then Sugar takes one and gives it to Matty, erupting in SCANDAL.


Sugar turns it down.

He's a bitter bitch when he returns:


"I came back to camp full, broke, half-drunk and pissed off."

Randy devises a prayer to Idol Susie before getting the Idol and as such goes on a campaign against idiocy.


Randy mid-carrying on.

Crystal complains that Randy is a TROLL. At that Tribal Council we get lots of lulsy votes, but I think the most underrated one is Randy's:


"This vote is not strategic. It's strictly personal."

Anyways, we all know what happens: Randy tries to play the fake idol and it was fake. It was not very funny at all. But hey. That's just my opinion.


Going to break up Charlie and Marcus' steamy affair.

On the jury, Randy got the ominous music when he spoke. He told Susie to elaborate on something and then said, "If you need someone to tell you what elaborate means, let me know." He insisted at Bob to answer it correctly because, "Please don't make me vote for Susie!"



And when he voted, he screamed "ALL THREE OF YOU, KISS MY ASS!" in a very Crystal-esque fashion. Cue camera zoom to Crystal who nods in appreciation. What a fitting end to an ogreous tale.

The Low Down on Randy

For a survivor villain to last, they need to bring something to the table to allow them to survive and to entertain us. Here's Randy's questionnaire.

CAN THE VILLAIN STAY ALIVE? Rarely. While Randy is admittedly very good at strategy, he is really mean, unpleasant and not a great athlete, so he's not a great shot to stay around for the post-merge.
CAN THE VILLAIN SURVIVE? He's weak but he seems to do fine around camp. Socializing is a huge problem for the Grinch.
IS THE VILLAIN QUOTABLE? Lul at times. Randy has a wicked sense of humour and he delivers it with a straight face.
IS THEIR EDGIC ADMIRABLE? CPM4 - CP4 - MORN3 - CPM3 - CPP2 - OTTN2 - MORN3 - CPN4 - OTTN4 - OTTN5