- 7 -
THE SOUR MIDGET
CLAY JORDAN
Clay Jordan was the main villain on Survivor: Thailand, which was one of the show's least popular editions ever. In my opinion, Clay Jordan was probably a huge reason as to why Thailand is disliked, but that is just because he is an underappreciated character. Clay Jordan just couldn't stand batty Jan (and seriously, who could?). His epic feud with an old lady who barely knew what her name was, and his ability to come up with nasty, brutish and short comments made him the stuff of Survivor lore. I dunno why, but it seems like backwater hicks did shockingly well on this list, but maybe it's because they're just more real and ready to call those sushi-eating, yoga-doing, high-falutin' jackasses out on their new age bullshiterry. Clay got in three major feuds over the course of the season:
1) With Ghandia, who he would have smacked like a two-year old and was the first person to cast a public verbal vote because of excess retardation.
2) With Robb who choked him mercilessly until he whimpered like Tom Cruise in a gay bar.
3) With Jan who he despised with a fiery passion for her kindness and empathy.
Clay was just really funny. And that's without considering the man is so tiny that he woke up every morning thankful Big Ted didn't roll over him and end his Survivor dreams. And that despite being a racist, bigoted, sexist piece of shit he almost won Survivor: Thailand on his phenom social game.
Clay`s write-up will be sadly short because I can`t find Thailand vidcaps
anywhere and as such I have to get creative (boo!).
Clay's Story
When I first saw Clay walk on to my television screen, I immediately imagined this following him:
"Clay? How did you get out of the chocolate factory?"
Anyways, Clay faces adversity immediately when he is the last man picked out of them all. He informs us that Chuay Gahn was lucky because they got a "diamond in the rough".
Somewhere in there, there's a diamond.
Fortunately, Clay gets over this injustice and in episode two, the opening focuses on his extreme snoring. As Helen put it, "I don't know how a sound so big comes out a man so small." When Tanya's giggling wakes him up, Clay sourly asks, "What?!" That morning, Helen and Jan take off to go get water. Helen doesn't take the map because Helen's a bit of a know-it-all. Clay strongly dislikes her, and when she gets lost, Clay takes an unseemly amount of pleasure out of it and announces loudly, "Bet she won't do that again." He shares more thoughts on her later in the episode:
"With Helen, everything's serious. Serious. There's no play to her. She's kind of got the personality of an encyclopedia.
You open it up, there ain't nothing fun to read in there. You only open it when you need the information."
Who says someone has "play" to them? Is that even a saying about people? When Ghandia goes on her loltastic screaming fit about Ted, Clay goes, "What the haaayull was that?" And then he gives us this amazing confessional:
"That was the most childish act she done here so far. Ghandia gonna go down the beach and cry and holler and carry on.
My two year old did that one time. I whooped its ass and put it back to bed."
This is luls for two reasons. First of all, Clay described discipling his child as "whooping its ass". Secondly, he referred to his child as an "it". Unless his offspring is Carrot Top or some similar human being, this is bizarrely lul.
But don't forget Clay's amazing challenge performance when he gets TAKEN DOWN A PEG by Robb Zbacnik! Please witness the incredible smack down he receives.
Then he shares with us that when he first saw Ghandia he thought she "was a problem woman. I said, I don't want her on mah tribe!"
"Do I feel bad for Ghandia? Haaaayull no. She needs to get back to Denver as soon as possible. Can the first jet back pick her up?" After Chuay Gahn loses Reward, they blame Ghandia who exclaims to Helen:
"That's how Clay do."
At that Tribal, Clay casts a vote for someone named "Bye Bye Denver Diva". Let me just point out that Clay is so horrendously disliked that Ghandia decided to target him over the man she accused of forcibly grinding her in a sexual way. Now that's popularity.
lul. And then he has to explain:
"That's for Ghandia."
When Chuay Gahn's boat goes missing, Ted takes responsibility and everyone insists that he couldn't have known and how they didn't want to play the blame-game. Well, Clay sure as hell did not agree to this, and informs us in confessional that "I sure as haaaayull blame Ted for the boat. He should have tied it higher up the damn bank." THANKFULLY Clay's shining moment, and indeed, all of Thailand's is in this episode and it is amazing. Jan goes and gets treemail, shrieking, "OH CHIIIILDREN!!! WE GOT TREEMAIL"
"What's it say??"
Jan uncovers the money.
"WHAT'S IN THERE???"
*continues to obnoxiously count money*
"A THOUSAND DOLLARS! AMERICAN!"
"AND WHAT ELSE DOES IT SAY!?!"
"IT"S A GAAAAAAAAAMBLIN' THING!"
Clay then sighs, puts his face in his hands, turns to the camera and states:
"No shit, Sherlock."
Jan and Clay butt heads again over the issue of the PET CEMETARY. Clay is disgusted by Jan's sentimentality and thinks it's absolutely retarded to be honouring animals like a bat embryo and tells us as much several times in confessional.
Clay laughs during the chicken's funeral.
When the tribes merge, Penny tries to charm Clay, and for real, who wouldn't think they could? Clay is the definition of a lecherous old man. But in the infamous words of Clay:
"Penny may be charming and Penny may be cute, but she ain't getting shit *jabs towards self* from this one."
That's not to say he isn't lecherous. In Episode Nine, Clay gets the opportunity to see C.C. Heidik in a challenge, and informs us that:
"She's fit for a bikini."
He also literally drools:
THE SOUR MIDGET
CLAY JORDAN
Clay Jordan was the main villain on Survivor: Thailand, which was one of the show's least popular editions ever. In my opinion, Clay Jordan was probably a huge reason as to why Thailand is disliked, but that is just because he is an underappreciated character. Clay Jordan just couldn't stand batty Jan (and seriously, who could?). His epic feud with an old lady who barely knew what her name was, and his ability to come up with nasty, brutish and short comments made him the stuff of Survivor lore. I dunno why, but it seems like backwater hicks did shockingly well on this list, but maybe it's because they're just more real and ready to call those sushi-eating, yoga-doing, high-falutin' jackasses out on their new age bullshiterry. Clay got in three major feuds over the course of the season:
1) With Ghandia, who he would have smacked like a two-year old and was the first person to cast a public verbal vote because of excess retardation.
2) With Robb who choked him mercilessly until he whimpered like Tom Cruise in a gay bar.
3) With Jan who he despised with a fiery passion for her kindness and empathy.
Clay was just really funny. And that's without considering the man is so tiny that he woke up every morning thankful Big Ted didn't roll over him and end his Survivor dreams. And that despite being a racist, bigoted, sexist piece of shit he almost won Survivor: Thailand on his phenom social game.
Clay`s write-up will be sadly short because I can`t find Thailand vidcaps
anywhere and as such I have to get creative (boo!).
Clay's Story
When I first saw Clay walk on to my television screen, I immediately imagined this following him:
"Clay? How did you get out of the chocolate factory?"
Anyways, Clay faces adversity immediately when he is the last man picked out of them all. He informs us that Chuay Gahn was lucky because they got a "diamond in the rough".
Somewhere in there, there's a diamond.
Fortunately, Clay gets over this injustice and in episode two, the opening focuses on his extreme snoring. As Helen put it, "I don't know how a sound so big comes out a man so small." When Tanya's giggling wakes him up, Clay sourly asks, "What?!" That morning, Helen and Jan take off to go get water. Helen doesn't take the map because Helen's a bit of a know-it-all. Clay strongly dislikes her, and when she gets lost, Clay takes an unseemly amount of pleasure out of it and announces loudly, "Bet she won't do that again." He shares more thoughts on her later in the episode:
"With Helen, everything's serious. Serious. There's no play to her. She's kind of got the personality of an encyclopedia.
You open it up, there ain't nothing fun to read in there. You only open it when you need the information."
Who says someone has "play" to them? Is that even a saying about people? When Ghandia goes on her loltastic screaming fit about Ted, Clay goes, "What the haaayull was that?" And then he gives us this amazing confessional:
"That was the most childish act she done here so far. Ghandia gonna go down the beach and cry and holler and carry on.
My two year old did that one time. I whooped its ass and put it back to bed."
This is luls for two reasons. First of all, Clay described discipling his child as "whooping its ass". Secondly, he referred to his child as an "it". Unless his offspring is Carrot Top or some similar human being, this is bizarrely lul.
But don't forget Clay's amazing challenge performance when he gets TAKEN DOWN A PEG by Robb Zbacnik! Please witness the incredible smack down he receives.
Then he shares with us that when he first saw Ghandia he thought she "was a problem woman. I said, I don't want her on mah tribe!"
"Do I feel bad for Ghandia? Haaaayull no. She needs to get back to Denver as soon as possible. Can the first jet back pick her up?" After Chuay Gahn loses Reward, they blame Ghandia who exclaims to Helen:
"That's how Clay do."
At that Tribal, Clay casts a vote for someone named "Bye Bye Denver Diva". Let me just point out that Clay is so horrendously disliked that Ghandia decided to target him over the man she accused of forcibly grinding her in a sexual way. Now that's popularity.
lul. And then he has to explain:
"That's for Ghandia."
When Chuay Gahn's boat goes missing, Ted takes responsibility and everyone insists that he couldn't have known and how they didn't want to play the blame-game. Well, Clay sure as hell did not agree to this, and informs us in confessional that "I sure as haaaayull blame Ted for the boat. He should have tied it higher up the damn bank." THANKFULLY Clay's shining moment, and indeed, all of Thailand's is in this episode and it is amazing. Jan goes and gets treemail, shrieking, "OH CHIIIILDREN!!! WE GOT TREEMAIL"
"What's it say??"
Jan uncovers the money.
"WHAT'S IN THERE???"
*continues to obnoxiously count money*
"A THOUSAND DOLLARS! AMERICAN!"
"AND WHAT ELSE DOES IT SAY!?!"
"IT"S A GAAAAAAAAAMBLIN' THING!"
Clay then sighs, puts his face in his hands, turns to the camera and states:
"No shit, Sherlock."
Jan and Clay butt heads again over the issue of the PET CEMETARY. Clay is disgusted by Jan's sentimentality and thinks it's absolutely retarded to be honouring animals like a bat embryo and tells us as much several times in confessional.
Clay laughs during the chicken's funeral.
When the tribes merge, Penny tries to charm Clay, and for real, who wouldn't think they could? Clay is the definition of a lecherous old man. But in the infamous words of Clay:
"Penny may be charming and Penny may be cute, but she ain't getting shit *jabs towards self* from this one."
That's not to say he isn't lecherous. In Episode Nine, Clay gets the opportunity to see C.C. Heidik in a challenge, and informs us that:
"She's fit for a bikini."
He also literally drools:
*wipes chin*
Clay then starts a feud with Jake because Jake said he worked hard and Clay felt that he was slighting his work ethic. And then everyone realized that Clay was really lazy. Such a strategical mastermind! Basically, Clay made a Final Two Alliance with Brian, and not much of anything else. He was the world's biggest goat (in Brian's mind), and at no point was he really under threat to be voted out...He was always just there, a vile and mildly unpleasant force with a sharp tongue, very much like a pre-Courtney Yates...Courtney.
When Helen's husband came, Helen had to translate every single thing Clay said to him.
"What???" *looks confusedly at Helen*
At the Final Tribal Council, Clay showed his strategical chops when he got all of the former Sook Jai except Jake to vote for him. My favo was Penny's question in which she asked them to talk a little bit about her and Brian did this:
"Well...You have a sister...Soo Yi? Sin Jao?"
"Are you talking about Shii Ann? She's not my sister. In fact, she's asian."
"Shin Ja?"
Then Clay basically riddles off a proposal to write Penny's biography.
Anyways, for all that and more Clay ranks at #7.
The Low Down on Clay
For a survivor villain to last, they need to bring something to the table to allow them to survive and to entertain us. Here's Clay's questionnaire.
CAN THE VILLAIN STAY ALIVE? Clay is not the best at strategy. Or getting along with people. He basically had one solid alliance, and that was Brian. The only reason he made it to the end is because Clay's presence was like a toothache. He never really hurt anyone's head too much, it was always just more of a dull throb of irritation.
CAN THE VILLAIN SURVIVE? Clay is lazy and about the size of Jan. He was lucky he was placed on such an awful tribe as Chuay Gahn. He's also not a great shot to survive the pre-merge (this seems to be a theme among villains ahah).
IS THE VILLAIN QUOTABLE? He's very sarcastic and funny.
IS THEIR EDGIC ADMIRABLE? UTR - MOR - UTRP - OTTN - OTTN - UTR - UTR - MOR - CP - CPN - OTTN - CPN - CPN
Clay then starts a feud with Jake because Jake said he worked hard and Clay felt that he was slighting his work ethic. And then everyone realized that Clay was really lazy. Such a strategical mastermind! Basically, Clay made a Final Two Alliance with Brian, and not much of anything else. He was the world's biggest goat (in Brian's mind), and at no point was he really under threat to be voted out...He was always just there, a vile and mildly unpleasant force with a sharp tongue, very much like a pre-Courtney Yates...Courtney.
When Helen's husband came, Helen had to translate every single thing Clay said to him.
"What???" *looks confusedly at Helen*
At the Final Tribal Council, Clay showed his strategical chops when he got all of the former Sook Jai except Jake to vote for him. My favo was Penny's question in which she asked them to talk a little bit about her and Brian did this:
"Well...You have a sister...Soo Yi? Sin Jao?"
"Are you talking about Shii Ann? She's not my sister. In fact, she's asian."
"Shin Ja?"
Then Clay basically riddles off a proposal to write Penny's biography.
Anyways, for all that and more Clay ranks at #7.
The Low Down on Clay
For a survivor villain to last, they need to bring something to the table to allow them to survive and to entertain us. Here's Clay's questionnaire.
CAN THE VILLAIN STAY ALIVE? Clay is not the best at strategy. Or getting along with people. He basically had one solid alliance, and that was Brian. The only reason he made it to the end is because Clay's presence was like a toothache. He never really hurt anyone's head too much, it was always just more of a dull throb of irritation.
CAN THE VILLAIN SURVIVE? Clay is lazy and about the size of Jan. He was lucky he was placed on such an awful tribe as Chuay Gahn. He's also not a great shot to survive the pre-merge (this seems to be a theme among villains ahah).
IS THE VILLAIN QUOTABLE? He's very sarcastic and funny.
IS THEIR EDGIC ADMIRABLE? UTR - MOR - UTRP - OTTN - OTTN - UTR - UTR - MOR - CP - CPN - OTTN - CPN - CPN
