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THE VIPER QUEEN

KATIE GALLAGHER

Katie Gallagher is not as in-your-face as most villains are, and I expect I'll get a certain amount of flack for even considering ranking her higher than this. Thankfully, I came to my senses and gave her a still very-high spot, but not as high as I initially thought. The thing is, while Katie did not explode as a villain like some, her story of foulness and her vile personality was a slow burn throughout the entire story arc of Palau. Basically, to sum it up: Katie Gallagher is an overweight, mean-spirited, awful person who's actually really funny. Also mad props to Katie for being a visible female in post-ASS in a season with strong male characters (Tom, Stephenie, Ian, Greggggg...and I know what I wrote). Secondary mad props to her for being the last post-ASS villain to make an appearance on this list. I have already mentioned that I only watched Survivor until All Stars and then watched the rest online recently, so that probably explains my bias towards earlier seasons...

That and the fact that pre-ASS villains were just better. But seriously, Katie rocked. She was cliquish, she was pretty ill-tempered, and she got in feuds with more people than I can count. The common consensus on the island seemed to pretty much be that, yeah, Katie sucks. As a viewer, I find that the castaways are always completely oblivious to normality, and to have someone who was willing to stand up and call people out on their shit was amazing. Janu did have a face like a jack-o-lantern. Caryn does suck. Coby acts completely queeny. And it's just as well someone pointed it out, because you know what? It's about time someone called these high-falutin' jackasses out on their idiocy. I'm not sayin'...I'm just sayin'. So although we will never see Katie again on another Survivor, she was definitely a breath of fresh air and is simply amazing, which is why she gets spot #5.



Katie's Story

Katie started out rowing the boat just like everyone else, but she soon got to share her insight with us when Stephenie and Jonathan shockingly jumped off the boat. She informs us via a bizarre sound that is a mix of "phew" and "chea" that Jonathan and Stephenie have made themselves huge targets.


lol @ the left side spill-over, obviously while being simultaneously bitchy.

In a hilarious turn of fate, Katie, who is probably the least athletic person including Willard, is the first person selected to be on a tribe. This is because of Ian, who has a bizarre relationship to them. In fact, this is the beginning of a hilarious showmance but it is a secret one! I have always assigned this poem to them:


Jack Sprat could eat no fat.
His wife could eat no lean.
And so between them both, you see,
They licked the platter clean.

Fitting, right? Katie came into her own in the second episode. Caryn is complaining bitterly (as she is apt to do) about the situation at the camp. Katie plops down and gives us quite the speech:


"Caryn's really annoying. We all made a group decision to come to this island. Unfortunately, it was the wrong decision. OH WELL. We're here. Get over it."

So to the point! At that challenge, Katie basically single-handedly loses the challenge for Koror, having to do the ropeswing across the ditch an obscene number of times...Then, after she finally makes it she just jumps in the water because her energy has been exhausted from all that failed swinging.


Katie's valiant attempt to make it across.

The very next episode, Caryn decides she has grown tired of Katie's tartness and informs her as such by shaking her hand violently in her face and having an obnoxious screaming fit all the while insisting she was not trying to start a scene. Katie giggles mid-conversation, throwing Caryn into a fit of rage.


alololol.

Caryn is, of course, only egged on by this act of blatant disrespect. Nothing can beat Katie's confessional in response to this, though...And I don't even need to repeat what she said. Here is a visual representation of her reaction:


ABSOLUTE DISGUST.

Caryn concludes that the ramifications of Katie not talking to her are acceptable, and storms off, leaving Katie bitter and ready to make more jokes at the expense of the uncool Kororians. In Episode Four, we saw the emergence of the Koror Cool Kids, consisting of Katie, Jenn, Gregg, Tom, and Ian. This hearkens back to my question of Lisi being in the in-crowd. It's illogical, but it's hilarious. In the challenge where Koror has to build a bathroom, Katie helpfully carves "Watch Your Step".


Keep up the good work!

Koror is forced to go to that Tribal Council due to a twist, and Katie receives a vote from the ever pleasant Willard.


*dead silence*

But she gets him back, don't you worry:


"You're never happy...and you're bitter. Bye!"

The Koror tribe spends the next day working, or as Coby put it, "We all worked and Katie had craft day."



Cue a Katie confessional:


"I feel great...but I thought it would be harder than this."

Caryn points out that Katie's kind of useless which is SORT OF true but entertainment is important!! They then show us a scene which always makes me lul:


"I'm Bobby Jon, and I love everybody and I look like Jesus Christ!"

Janu had a rough night the night before as there was a rainstorm and woke up looking like this:



Everyone tried to comfort her and make her feel better and she just started crying more and more to the tune of the sad piano music which is interrupted by none other than our heroine of the hour, the Viper Queen.


Katie watches... lul.


Katie's impression.

When Stephenie joins them, they have a "merge feast" and Tom gets drunk.


"Tom's a lightweight! What's with that?!"


Coby self-destructs and brings Stephenie into the woods which throws Katie into a bit of anger:




Katie mindfucking Stephenie.

Coby gets the boot and Janu goes buckwild. And by buckwild, I mean she mopes a bit more than she used to and has a semi-surprised look on her face. Which doesn't go over well with Katie:


"WHAT WAS THAT PERFORMANCE, JEN?!"


"Janu...is a crazy person. I mean she's mad. She looked like a Jack-in-the-box with a really creepy smile on her face."

lol Janu overhears and shit gets real. She begins a rant in the middle of camp by yelling, "What is this, junior high, Katie?!"


Best reaction to getting called out ever.

Anyways, Katie's reaction is basically: Well you WERE creepy. Which is amazing. I mean, come on. Lul. And then she sits down and gives us this:


"She just talks in circles! And then she did an impersonation of the face, which is even more scary."

At that Immunity Challenge, the first person out will be forced to go to Exile Island for the first time ever which terrifies the shit out of...no one. But obviously Janu is out first and gives this reaction:



Cue Katie:



Lol. After Janu quits, Tom comes up to Ian, Katie and Jenn and tells them that they'd best not vote him out because he was who brought them here, and Katie is rightfully less than impressed by this argument.


Seeking reassurance from Jack Sprat.

Katie is so unconvinced by this that she immediately targets Tom via a women's alliance.


Penicide v.2.0. (Ami is 1.0 obv.)

She can't get a women's alliance together though because...


"Caryn sucks."

She then talks to Ian about getting Tom out and he is less than enthused. She thinks that "getting Ian onside is key." Secret showmance continues.


Katie thinks about that nice rack of ribs.

She then plots with Gregg and Jenn to take out Tom and details her strategy:


IT STARTS WITH A "C". WANT TO GUESS?

Anyways, then Ian and Tom mindfuck Katie into voting out Gregg, which she does in an epic backstab. When Ian wins a car in the next episode and doesn't invite Katie on reward, she gets quite angry at him.


PENICIDE ASAP PLZ.

Ian tries to talk to her about it and begins to guilt trip her about her going on Reward and Katie goes:


"Stop that NOW."

Ian gets told. Anyways, tears are shed, extreme pledges of sadness and friendship are exchanged. It's a hilarious emotional scene.



Lul.

But then she takes out Caryn who probs should have gone with the women's alliance in the first place but oh well. At the Final Four, Tom goes against Ian in a fit of rage but Katie stands by her man and Jen gets the boot.



At the Torch Paddle or whatever, Katie says Janu's names with the anger of a thousand fiery suns and thrusts her torch into the water and doesn't look back.

So then Katie basically goes to the Final Two and gets ripped to pieces. Like destroyed. By everyone. It was kind of awful to watch except for when Janu asked Katie a question and Katie refused to answer it because Janu wouldn't vote for her anyways. Good strat, right? Anyways, Katie gets wooped 6-1 which is luls but I also like the contrast of her face before and after:




Katie love forever and always.

The Low Down on Katie

For a survivor villain to last, they need to bring something to the table to allow them to survive and to entertain us. Here's Katie's questionnaire.

CAN THE VILLAIN STAY ALIVE? She plays a shockingly strong social game even though it's just not enough at the Finals. Katie's strategy basically has to be to go to the Finals as a goat because there's just no way for her to win. But hey, a hundred grand ain't bad.
CAN THE VILLAIN SURVIVE? Katie is laughably bad at both challenges and camp life. She's the only overweight young woman ever cast on Survivor, and I think that speaks well (or poorly lol) of her personality.
IS THE VILLAIN QUOTABLE? She's very blunt and to the point and it makes for some seriously funny one-liners.
IS THEIR EDGIC ADMIRABLE? MOR2 - UTR2 - MOR3 - MOR2 - UTRN3 - MORN3 - MORN3 - MOR2 - MOR3 - OTTN3 - CP4 - CP3 - CPP4 - CP4