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THE ORIGINAL

RICHARD HATCH

Now you all see why I swapped with Katie and Richard. While I think Katie was funnier and bitchier than Richard, she just can't beat an original. And Richard is the original. He's the original winner. He's the original gay man. He's the original CPN. He's the original fattie. There will never be another Richard, no matter how hard Mark Burnett tries (get outta here, Russell). Richard is arrogant, but in a way that is endearing. Although I feel that his concept of "alliances" probs wasn't that genius, maybe I'm just jealous. He had ideas about everything and was not afraid of sharing them - and did. Richard ran the game from start to finish, and even though everyone vaguely disliked that annoying corporate trainer from Rhode Island, no one ever successfully targetted him. If Richard hadn't won, I would cringe to think what the game would be now. He's truly a one-of-a-kind and Heroes vs. Villains just isn't the same without him, really.

Richard's game can't ever be replicated, and that makes me sad. We will also never know if he's actually great at Survivor or not because he can never play again without a huge target on his back, and the game he played in Borneo was good enough but not by today's standards. So who really knows? What I do know is that Richard was a loathed quantity back in the year 2000, and he is probably the most recognizable Survivor ever other than Elisabeth Hasselback (nee Filarski). Yup.

Rich's Story

We were introduced to Rich via Jeff Probst's melodious voice. Oh, how I miss the intros of yore. He came right after Sonja Christopher (foreshadowing!), and Jeff informed us he was, "Richard Hatch, a corporate communications consultant from Rhode Island."


*TAR-esque head turn*

And everyone said to each other at the same time, "That fat guy's gonna be the first to go." Our impression of that was only reinforced when as soon as the Tagi tribe arrived, he perched himself in a tree and informed Tagi they should "discuss the process". Whatever that is. When they've all decided on a course of action, Richard impatiently says, "Are you all finished yet?" in the tone of voice that most mothers reserve for their wayward two-year-olds.


"Let them eat cake!"

Everyone basically ignores him and walks away which is hilarious. He is left with the one person he cringes at - Ms. Susan Hawk. She informs him that she is not fooled by his bullshittery and that sometimes they have to ACT! She then walks away leaving Richard flustered and free to make what may be the most famous confessional ever:


"I'm good to go survival-wise. People-wise will be a little more challenging. I've got the million dollar cheque already written.
I'm the winner. It's just...how do I get there from here?"

Richard's not done lecturing the tribe though. He goes on and on for quite some time and then asks Sean to complete his point who then has to admit that he wasn't listening.


"I was thinking about what I was going to eat."

Cue loud Sue-cackle. Tagi loses the first Tribal, and Rudy sits down and informs us that he's changed his opinion on a lot of people, including Rich:


"He's fat, but he's good."

When Richard casts his vote for Stacey, he says, "Subtle reasons." Lul. So arrogant. The next episode there is a hilarious segment about Rudy and Richard's friendship and a moment when Rudy discovers that Richard is a gay man. Or as Rudy puts it, "a queer." But he proclaims him to be one of the nicest guys he ever met and then applies suntan lotion.


SEAN: You'd better have a beer in your hand before you do that, Rudy.

In Episode Three, Dirk is annoyed because Rich talks about homosexuality just too much...Which is wildly offensive but totally funny at the same time because Richard takes seriously umbrage at the comment.


"I will talk about WHATEVER I want to talk about."

Anyways, then Richard catches a fish. What a hero.



Him and Sean got into a disagreement and Sean interrupts him and Rich says,


"Did you think I was finished my sentence?"

Anyways, Rich then decides he needs to formulate this crazy thing called AN ALLIANCE omgwut.





Somehow between Day 1 and Day 18, Sue became Rich's fruit fly which is very luls. Basically she bitches about Pagong for 10 minutes in Episode 6, and Rich nods his head and says, "mmhmm" sassily. Channeling Cassandra of course.


"Mmhmm."


"Mmmhmm."

Then there is a great segment about Richard's wildly offensive nudist lifestyle.


"Your life, my life. Different things. Who cares?"


"I don't agree with his lifestyle and I told him that. And he probably don't agree with mine."

And then we get ARROGANCE. The best kind.


"I'm in control of who gets voted off. And that's all that matters to me."

When they mix and the young people bond Kelly informs Colleen that "Rich is a good person...really chilled out. But he's naked a lot." At the merge, Richard points out how retarded the feeling that alliances are not right is.


"I'm a highly ethical person."

Richard meets his intellectual equal in Greg, who informs us that Richard's form of play is very interesting, but that:


"Richard thinks he's more clever than he is."

Gretchen is booted and everyone is shellshocked and expressing their concern and sadness about an alliance being formed. Cue Richard:


"She simply had to go. She was too bright and could have been a leader."

The Greg/Richard relationship is one fraught with laffos. When Richard catches a fish, he gets up in Greg's grill and yells


"AND BABY GETS A FISH!"


Romantic walk down the beach at sunset.

LOL anyways the flirt card is something that is talked about alot these days but WHO KNEW that Greg was actually the originator of the flirt card, and it was a fat, gay man. Jenna complains that Rich finds "Greg attractive, so he'll throw out little innuendos at him and Greg will lap it right up and sit really close to him."


*subtly reveals nipple*

Rich then moves in for the kill BECAUSE HE AIN'T GIVIN' A MILL UP FOR FLIRTIN', I tell you what.


"Ever been with a guy?"

Greg won't answer on camera (although since then he has apparently 'gone gay', whatever that means), and Rich informs us of this in a confessional:


"I'd certainly like to...get to know him *roguish wink*...But he's not worth a million dollars."


Anyways, Rich isn't fooled by this little brat.


"Goodnight sweetheart, now it's time to go. (singing) Talk to you later. Greg. Buh bye."

Colleen gets FED UP of Richard and informs us via confessional that he should just go get his lipo and go away but still catch her fish plz. Richard make sure the original Pagonging continues, until there are five Tagi left. Such an orig. Then he boots Sean because he:

A) Isn't in the alliance
B) Is man-candy and distracts Richard from the game.

Then Richard steps down at the Final Immunity Challenge and wins!! And Survivor is forevermore changed.


The Low Down on Richard

For a survivor villain to last, they need to bring something to the table to allow them to survive and to entertain us. Here's Richard's questionnaire.

CAN THE VILLAIN STAY ALIVE? Richard is really a one-of-a-kind and it's just not possible to say whether or not he would stay alive in today's standards because we've never seen him play in a really complex game, and we never will be able to because he's too well-known.
CAN THE VILLAIN SURVIVE? He's kind of shitty at challenges but he is amazing at camp life.
IS THE VILLAIN QUOTABLE? In his own strange way, Richard is very quotable. He also says things that make you want to punch him in his smug face, lul.
IS THEIR EDGIC ADMIRABLE? CP5 - CPP4 - CPN3 - MORN3 - UTRN2 - CPN4 - CPN4 - CPN4 - CP4 - MORN3 - CPN4 - CPN4

OUR VILLAINS SO FAR

30. Ghandia Johnson, The Denver Diva
29. Sarah Jones, Cleopatra
28. Tyson Apostol, Co-Coach
27. Caryn Groedel, the One With the Surly Demeanour
26. Kim Mullen, the True Seductress
25. Stacy Kimball, the One With the Bitchface
24. Robb Zbacnik, Skateboarding Punk
23. Jenna Morasca, the Sorority Sister
22. Rob Cesternino, the Original Joker
21. Courtney Marit, Alternabitch
20. Heidi Strobel, the Biggest Threat of Them All
19. Rob Mariano, The Robfather
18. Natalie Bolton, Catalie/Clementine
17. Shane Powers, the King of Insanity
16. Corinne Kaplan, Wannabitch
15. Silas Gaither, Head Mall Rat
14. Sandra Diaz Twine, Sassy Latin Mom
13. Lisi Linares, Ginger Bitch
12. Laura Morett, Medusa
11. Lindsey Richter, The Heart of the Mallrats
10. Ami Cusack, the Queen of Vanuatu
9. Randy Bailey, the Grinch of Gabon
8. Courtney Yates, the Bitchy Pixie
7. Clay Jordan, Sour Midget
6. Twila Tanner, Secret Softie
5. Katie Gallagher, the Viper Queen
4. Richard Hatch, the Original
3.
2.
1.

Any positions on the list you would switch around? Top 3/Winner predictions?