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-This date was on the beach riding around in dune buggys and sand surfing. The dune buggys were pretty anticlimactic in that nothing good happened. Jessie and Vienna getting stuck in the sand was lame. Would’ve been much more fun if they went too fast, hit the brakes, then the buggy took about 100 tumbles in a row. But that couldn’t happen with Jessie driving that thing about as fast as I could jog. Jake didn’t not like the fact that Jessie didn’t drive her dune buggy fast. He likes girls with speed. And dark roots. And who pose topless in bikini girl calendars. Oh, you never saw Vienna in action? Well here you go. This comes from some website called HollywoodLife.com. Verrrrrrrrrry classy:

Still trying to put two and two together and figure out where choosing her came from. I mean, let’s just play naïve here for a second, and pretend that for the 5-6 weeks of filming, Vienna totally blew Jake away. Has him completely fooled about who she is and about her past. Sure, the other girls don’t like her, but Jake is so enamored with her, that he realizes, “I don’t care what anyone else says. This is the girl for me. Hands down.” Did Vienna actually think that none of these photos would get out? Or stories about her past would come to light? She had to have known, which makes her time on the show all about trying to win first, then worry about the consequences later. She must’ve done one hell of a snowjob on him to go against how every other woman in the house felt about her. Either that or he was told to pick Vienna for shock value. One of the two.

-I think my favorite part of this date was the sand surfing. Why? Because every one of them face planted after about ten feet of surfing. Although, I was seriously concerned for Vienna. I could’ve sworn she was gonna pull a Shauvon from “RW/RR: The Ruins” and have her implant pop when she went chest first into the sand. That couldn’t have felt great. Good thing Corrie’s aren’t fake since she decided the best way to get Jake’s attention would be to wrestle him all the way down the hill. Definitely an aggressive approach, made her stand out among the rest and Jake seemed to take a liking to it. However, she’s a virgin, so isn’t that just one giant tease? Jake’s all hormoned-out frolicking in the sand with this chick, but eventually in the end, he’d just end up walking back to his RV with an ice pack around his nuts. Sucks for him.

-After a day at the beach, time to head to the Madonna Inn. Never heard of it, didn’t really care for the layout. Sure it’s probably fairly expensive and luxurious, but just a little too overdone for my liking. But what do I care? It’s not like I’ll ever stay there in my lifetime. Nor would I want to. Well, unless of course their owner is a reader of this column and would hook me up with a weekend there like he does for Chris Harrison since he loves plugging restaurants and hotels they visit in his blog. What a shill. I’d do it too for hookups. But since I’m not, I’ll tell them their hotel is not my style and I won’t be staying there anytime soon. I’m fickle like that. Anyway, the girls go get ready for their alone time with Jake, and Ashleigh proceeds to tell us she has sand in every crevice of her body. Hmmmm, there’s a myriad of ways I can go with this one. For the time being, and in honor of being a little nicer to Ashleigh since she doesn’t have much time left on this show, I’ll just say this: Screamin Seagull. Moving on.

-Time for Ashleigh to finally get some alone time with Jake that didn’t have her in a bikini showing side boob and straddling him in a pool. Ashleigh is insistent that she doesn’t want to come across as desperate towards Jake so she does the very subtle move of draping her whole body all over his when they talk. And when I say “talk”, I mean, look at each other awkwardly with no words coming out of either of their mouths. Now granted, I’m well aware that editing probably only chose to show the moments where neither of these two said a word to each other. I can’t imagine she sat there looking into his eyes for 5-10 minutes without saying anything. But hey, you sign that bogus contract, they can do what they want to you. And Ashleigh was a victim in this case. Regardless, Jake says there just wasn’t any chemistry there and he wishes there was. Is that because you really thought there might be something serious between you two Jake, or, you wish there was because her leg is rubbing on your inner thigh and you’re feeling all warm and fuzzy down in your dirty parts? We never really get an answer to this question, but I’m guessing the latter.

-Ali gets her alone time and honestly, I can’t read my notes I took. Looks like my niece wrote it. If I remember correctly, they didn’t talk about much that was important. Well, at least on camera they didn’t. It’s very obvious at this point that Jake is very in to Ali, and she is in to him. So much so that it’s very bizarre to watch the editing she’s getting. Not saying Ali didn’t say the things she did, but why they are putting all of their focus on Ali’s negative comments towards Vienna when it’s obvious everyone else in the house is against Vienna being there as well. Quite an editing hatchet job they’re doing. My theory is coming later, only because I want to mention Tenley’s alone time with Jake. I thought it was awfully generous of Tenley to breastfeed Jake after a long hard day at the beach. Holy crap, did you see that? I thought we were going to have to get another black box put on the screen to cover up all the dirtiness. To quote the great Vince Vaughn: “They look pretty good, are they real? They built for speed or for comfort? What’d you do with em? Motorboat? You play the motorboat? You motorboatin’ son of a bitch, you old sailor you.” Well, if Jake is looking to marry someone like his mother, then Tenley is the woman for him considering how she had no problem nursing him right there on the couch. Oh yeah, and they talked about her cheating ex-husband who got caught because she looked at his phone bill. So Tenley’s ex-husband was a cop that cheated? Crazy. Most cops I know are very well grounded, level headed, enjoy monogamous relationships, and aren’t very self-absorbed at all. Shocking to hear.

-Earlier in the date, when Jake was asking for alone time with all the women, Vienna asked if she could go last. I thought this was very generous of her. You know, let all the ladies kiss him first so they wouldn’t catch any of her diseases when she germs up his mouth with her saliva. Oh wait, she’s already been with him. Sorry everyone else. Your test results are due back shortly. Anyway, this is the first we hear of Jake having reservations about Vienna. Once again, great editing and storytelling here. This was just to set up the rest of this particular episode for people who didn’t know Ella and Kathryn were going home on the 2-on-1 date, and that he was gonna eliminate two at the rose ceremony and not one. They needed to build some suspense so when Vienna actually got the final rose, we would get the reactions we did from all the other ladies. He tells Vienna she needs to not egg it on so much with the other girls and that he’s concerned at this point with her. Sure he is. I’d be much more concerned with topless pics in a scarf and her hanging on guys at the beach with orange skin than whether or not the girls in the house like her. Anyway, Tenley got the rose for the night because she made her milk available to Jake.

-Time for the 2-on-1 date with Kathryn and Ella in Big Sur. I told you at the beginning of the season there would be a 2-on-1 date where both girls got sent home. Well, this was obviously it. The exact info I got was given to me like this, “Ella goes home during a rose date and there’s a 2-on-1 where both girls go home.” That’s where I made my mistake. The source didn’t know WHO was on the 2-on-1 date, but knew that both went home. I just jumped to the conclusion once I realized Ella had a 1-on-1 that that was the one she left on. Woops. See, my fault. Wasn’t given false info. Just read it too fast and goofed. Shoot me. Ella and Kathryn’s date wasn’t even that painful to watch for the sole reason it was obvious there was no serious attraction with either girl. Hell, he never even looked at Kathryn during dinner, choosing to stare at Ella the whole time. Kathryn even tried to interrupt Ella but she just kept on truckin’. She’s lookin’ to find Ethan a new daddy. She doesn’t have time for Kathryn butting in to her conversations. And the more Ella spoke, the more Jake probably realized, “Yeah, I was doing the generous thing saving her the agony of getting the boot the day I met her kid.” Not only was my goof on Ella going home embarrassing, but it wasn’t smart on my part. If I thought about it, is someone really gonna send a single parent home on the day they meet their kid? C’mon. No, they’ll wait til later. You’d be one cruel individual if you did that. So I truly missed the boat on that one.

-When Jake finally decides to pay attention to Kathryn, she lets him have it. Kathryn: “Why is it when I’m with everyone else, you don’t pay attention to me.” Jake: “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was doing that.” Kathryn: “I hope you won’t discredit the fact that we’ve spent all of 10 seconds together since I’ve been here.” Jake: “Oh no. Not at all.” Yeah, of course you didn’t Jake. Vienna is giving you the goods whenever you want it, Tenley lets you motorboat her, Ali is basically waiting for you to lift up her yellow dress she wears every episode, and Gia plays 2-person Spin the Bottle. What else could you ask for? Kathryn? I didn’t even know she was on the show until last night. Her and Jessie must’ve been part of some witness relocation program for the first three episodes. Sending both of these women home on this date was about the easiest decision he’s made this whole time. I just loved that when he sent Kathryn home, she said, “I don’t understand.” Huh? You admitted earlier you’ve gotten zero time with him, yet you’re surprised by this? Women are delusional sometimes. If a guy doesn’t look at you, and a guy doesn’t pay attention to you, stop making excuses for him that it must be something else. He’s not interested in you if that’s what he’s doing. Plain and simple. Hell, I’ve done it myself. We all do it.

-This was also the date where in the promos for three weeks, they show Jake all upset with the camera, getting up out of his chair, then kicking the light over and walking out. I mean, they even showed it in previews earlier in this show, yet, they never showed it when it happened. Congrats ABC/Next Entertainment/Warner Horizon/Fleiss & Company, that’s three weeks in a row something you showed in the previews never gets aired during the actual episode. Yet we’re supposed to believe that everything you show us is real and nothing is done for hype. If I ever got to replace Steve McPherson and take over as President of ABC Entertainment, I swear, you’d see such different programming under my watch. Maybe that should be my goal someday, to become President of ABC Entertainment. I’ve read about McPherson in books. Seems like a bright guy. However, when it comes to this show, he seems to be taking a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” type of approach. He lets them do their thing, doesn’t question it, and it brings in ratings, that’s all he cares about.

-Final cocktail party time. Corrie pulls Jake away first and even Jake admits, “You know, she doesn’t move as fast as other girls.” Translation: “Well considering I’ve kissed Vienna, Tenley, Ali, and Gia already, and Corrie is girl #5 heading into next week, probably a safe bet she’s going home. Hey, didn’t Reality Steve have that final four pegged after week 1?” Well yes Jake, thanks for noticing. Corrie wants to know if she makes Jake nervous at all. Jake: “No. Should I be?” I guess if you were into her maybe you would be. Ouch. Strike two for Corrie. She should’ve just volunteered to leave this week so we can just get on with the final four next week. Unfortunately, we’ll have to watch all two hours just to see her go home at the end of the episode. That’s too bad. I wonder what fake drama they’re gonna build up for next week? Probably more Vienna bashing I’m assuming. 4-on-1. Vienna vs the rest of the girls in a mud wrestling match. Or jello. Whatever works for you. See? President of ABC someday. I got ideas, people.

-Ali gets her time with Jake. Ali: “I find it honorable what you did with Ella and Kathryn last night. Now if you’d only dump that b**ch Vienna so we can move on with our relationship, it’d be much appreciated.” Sorry Charlie. No dice. Looks like you’re gonna have to stick it out another two weeks before leaving the show. I wish I had the details for you, but I don’t. Just don’t know them. But Jake talking about this scandal that’s worse than Rozlyn’s, trust me, it has to do with Ali leaving the show. I’m guessing it gets pretty emotional for both of them. Everything I’ve led to believe is that Jake was really in to Ali and she was in to him. However, if I had to guess, it certainly sounds by her comments that she leaves because he continues to keep Vienna around and the “If that’s what he wants, I’m not what he wants” will play a huge role in her leaving.

-It’s just making too much sense at this point as to what’s going on. Obviously Vienna is hated by everyone for a reason. Eight other girls don’t hate her because they’re told to say that, or because they’re acting. ABC is just choosing not to show the reason she is hated because Vienna is their F1. So lets turn the edit on Ali to look like a jealous, outspoken b**ch, so when she leaves the show, it’ll explain why. One of my sources told me last night that the reason Ali is acting the way she is is because she was essentially told by Jake she had nothing to worry about and that Vienna would be leaving. Something happened. I don’t know what. But that’s the reason for the change in Ali’s edit from the first two episodes. And to repeat, once she leaves after the hometown date, she DOES NOT return, despite what you’re hearing. Even Jake is trying to throw people off now. In an interview with Eonline.com yesterday, he even insinuated that “maybe someone comes back. Hey, it worked for Jillian.” No Jake. Quit trying to throw people off. It’s a lie. They’re just trying to misdirect people since they know they’re F1 was exposed after the first episode.

-Lets just get to the rose ceremony. Other stuff happened like Jessie telling Jake that Vienna was bad news (yet another girl), and Vienna defending herself. Notice how so much of this show is focused around the women and less about the Bachelor? Probably because he’s boring. I actually think Jake has handled himself fairly decent this season. Sure he’s a dork, and sure he’s boring as sin, but I’m ok with how he’s done so far. That’s about the best compliment I can pay him at this point. So for this Rose Ceremony, Gia and Tenley are safe. Jake’s got something to say, “This week I got to see another side…hard for me…can’t hurt anyone…hard to figure out what to do…hurts my heart to say goodbye to somebody…so that’s why I’m gonna say goodbye to two of you. I want to not only stick the knife in your heart, I’m gonna turn it as well. Weeeeeee!!!!!!”

Ali: There is no doubt she likes wearing yellow. And there is no doubt she would slap a b**ch if Vienna stepped to her. Oh, it’s on now!
Corrie: “Like a virgin. Touched for the very first time. Like a vir-ir-ir-a-gin. With your heartbeat. Next to mine.”

Now here is where Jake got all tight under the collar and excused himself to go outside, where Chris Harrison was pretending to have a casual conversation with the cameramen. These rose ceremonies take a hell of a lot longer than the three minutes you see on TV, so just because Jake was one rose away from Chris walking in and making his weekly “This is the final rose tonight” announcement, doesn’t mean Chris would’ve been standing right by the door as some of you seem to think. It’s television people. They are starting and stopping the filming constantly. ESPECIALLY at the rose ceremony. So lets just say Chris was well aware Jake was gonna walk outside so they could record this “real” conversation. Jake asks if he really has to give out two more roses. And Chris, just wanting to make sure everyone understands what’s going on here, repeats exactly what Jake says. “Ok, so are you saying that there are two women in there who you definitely don’t see as your wife?” Yes, that’s what he said Chris. You read your cue cards perfectly. Now get in there and break some more hearts.

-Chris walks back in the room, tells the girls what an awful menstrual day Jake is having, and that sometimes in life, you gotta do what you gotta do, and removes one of the two roses left. Dun-dun-dunnnnnnn!!!!! Wow. This probably totally threw Chris off his game. So now after picking up one of the roses, there is one left, and Chris had to do his math on the fly. “Jake has asked me to take one of his roses. Which means two of you will be going home. Ladies, Jake, this is the final rose tonight.” I hope they gave him a bump in pay for thinking on the fly like that because I sure as hell wouldn’t have been able to subtract one from two and had an answer immediately.

Vienna: This is wonderful news to everyone in the house. She is so well liked and respected by the others, they are thrilled she’s going to continue on this journey with them.

-Jessie approaches Jake to say her goodbyes and Jake is as honest as one can be. “You are absolutely amazing. You have a beautiful heart. I listened to every word you said.” Well, you may have listened to it, but it sure didn’t change your mind about anything. What you should’ve told Jessie was, “Thanks for warning me about Vienna, but it doesn’t matter. My blinders are on and I’m going full speed ahead. Choo choo!!!!” Jake then asked her exactly why before the rose ceremony she threw a bunch of green sh** on her eyes. What the hell was that? Not a great look last time I checked. Jessie now will head back to a life of bad karaoke singing, awful eyeliner, and looking like MaryAnn from “Gilligan’s Island”.

-After Vienna gets her rose and the rest of the girls gather round, this is where Ali starts her under-the-breath remarks about “Why is she still here?”, “How can he look at her and think she could be his wife? How can he think that?”, and “If that’s what he wants, I am not what he wants”. By all accounts, Ali was supposedly very secure in the fact that Jake wanted her and Vienna was leaving soon, hence the reason for her reaction. I’m certainly not defending what she’s saying, I’m just trying to relay to you the reason for why she’s acting the way she is and is being so outspoken about Vienna. Her edit has no doubt taken a turn for the worse in the last two episodes, and it’s because they are not showing Vienna’s interaction with the rest of the women. I’ve been told it was about as bad as you can get and that’s why every girl in the house hates her. Granted, the only way you will ever officially know this is if one of the remaining four girls who was there comes out on record and says it publicly. I doubt that is going to happen. But hey, any of you want to speak your mind, you know where to find me. I’ll let you explain to everyone how ABC is hiding Vienna’s edit.

-Ashleigh has some few parting words for the masses as well. “Vienna over me? Are you kidding me? Are you f***ing kidding me? There’s a reason she has no friends in the house. Really? I go before Vienna? Please. Spare me.” Yep, it’s official. Vienna is definitely everyone’s best friend and they love her to death. This is such a wonderful. Brings such joy and optimism to peoples lives, doesn’t it? Ahhhhh. Like a breath of fresh air every Monday night. Gotta love it. I wonder how Ashleigh feels about the edit she got on a date where they show her barely saying two words to the guy. Her post show interview should be coming later today, so I’ll keep a look for it. Then again, those interviews are moderated by ABC so they won’t let those girls go off on something in relation to the show. Wanna really get them riled up? Someone get on that conference call and say the words “Reality Steve” and watch the moderator flip out and cut that reporter off before they can finish their sentence. Good times. Glad I’m so well loved by everyone over there. Did you all get my Christmas cards this year?

-This column wouldn’t be complete without me mentioning a few people who deserve credit for the work they do. So I want to take this time to acknowledge some people dedicated to their profession who’s work goes underappreciated on a weekly basis. Kudos to:

Andrew Frank
Debra Light
Jennifer Reed
Mark Sadlek
Brandon Graham
Jeff Becko

I’m sure you’re asking, “Who the hell are these people?” I wouldn’t expect you to know them. Well, unless you paused your TV while the credits were rolling at the end of Monday’s episode. These six individuals are listed under “Story Editors” for the show. So a “reality” show needs “story editors”. That should just about answer any possible question about how genuine this show is. Basically, these are the ones that edit the show in a way to tell the story ABC wants to show you, and not what’s really going on. Hell of a job guys. Let’s see what promo you run this week that won’t run in next weeks episode. C’mon, you can do it! Make it four weeks in a row where you lead the audience on! What are they paying your for?

Another long ass column. Hey, that’s the way it is nowadays. I try to address all the questions, and rumors, and comments I get throughout the course of the week during the first portion of the column, and then the recap starts after that. Sometimes I have a lot to go over, sometimes less. It varies. But I try to pack it all in there. Anyone interested on the March Vegas trip, feel free to contact me at steve@realitysteve.com. Feb. 10th is the last day to book a suite at the Venetian for the discounted group rate. Stay where you’d like, but if you’d never stayed there, trust me, it’s worth it. If you want to join me on Twitter, my address is Twitter.com/RealitySteve. Or if you want to add me on Facebook, scroll down the right hand column under “My Stuff” and click on the appropriate link. See you next week…

meatball77 wrote:

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Eeh, it's not that bad of a picture.

She's certainly not someone that you'd want to take home to religious parents, but are any of them really?