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BIG TOM "BITCHANAN" BUCHANAN

omw I wonder how many hilariously appropriate descriptors I will be able to fit in people's last names?  My own personal challenge I suppose.  Anyways, idk that there's a more awkward moment in Survivor history than Big Tom's handshake fake-out.  It's legit nightmarish.  A small lol can be salvaged, though, from Amber preparing herself to shake hands with Tom as well. Anyways, Big Tom's speech was self-righteous and hateful and he was barely an All Star anyways so he should have just been happy to have been there amirite?  But he was the bitterest bitch of them all, and was downright foul.  I also do not appreciate the wall being broken between the jurors and the finalists.  Ugh.  Also for future contestants: wearing overalls and nothing else to a Final Tribal Council is not a way to gain a high ranking in a RockLobsta thread fyi.

TRANSCRIPT:

Tom: Good to see y'all.  The two people I had an alliance with.  Good to see.  First of all, Amber.  Congratulations.  Rob, same to ya.  Congratulations.  You did exactly what you said you di - oh wait a minute.  The alliance we had said we would go 1-2-3.  And wait, I got 1-2-3-4-5.  You forgot about me somewhere along the way.  I mean.  We had the numbers. But beside that, I'm a goat farmer and Rob *delves into unintelligible gibber gabber* castrate 'em *back into impossibility*. You did a good job.  So I guess I'm gonna say to you Amber, I don't know how I'm gonna vote.  So why should I vote for you over Rob?
Amber: I think that's the hardest question to answer.
Big Tom: *stuttering*
Amber: I'll be honest.
Big Tom: I'd appreciate that.
Amber: Well with Rob sitting beside me it's hard for me to answer...
Big Tom: Well sometimes it's hard bein' honest Amber...I can tell ya about that.  Let's just tonight be honest.
Amber: I think the reason I should win over Rob is because we didn't really break our word to each other when you and Rob did. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?
Big Tom: In other words, you only lied a little bit while Rob lied a lot.  Thank you.  Rob, I know I'm stupid for waiting this long to make up my mind.  But I've been with you since Day One, and I mean with you.  Rob, why should I vote for you and not Amber?
Rob: In all fairness Tom, the conversation we had before you got kicked off. You and I know inside what really happened in terms of who said what and who lied about what and yeah, I broke the alliance, but you wanted to get my kicked off beforehand and I find out first, so I got rid of you before you got rid of me.
Big Tom: In other words you voted me off because I was gonna try to kick you off?
Rob: You did try to get me kicked off.
Big Tom: Well, then *walks over to Rob* I guess that's all.  No hard feelings.
Rob: No hard feelings Tom.
Tom: *snatches hand away* Don't be stupid, stupid! I may have fell for it once.  I fell for it twice! Not this time.
*Shii Ann cringes and shakes her head*

Ranking Criteria

ROLE OF JUROR: Townsperson.  Tom really was the bitchiest, but he doesn't get the role of jury foreman.  He was just one in a cast of three.

ARC COMPLETION: It was so at odds with Tom's "aw, shucks" persona that I'm shocked the editors let it through. 

CORRESPONDING VOTE: What killed All Stars.  Seriously.