Charlie Sheen

Why, Charlie, why? With Charlie Sheen’s series-ending public rant last week, many said that no one would be willing to deal with this out-of-control, out-of-his-mind, self-destructive drug addict again.  But, SURPRISE, winners always win, and Charlie has landed the prime anal sex role on the new hit show.

In case you missed it, Sheen referred to the “Two and a Half Men” creator as a “clown” whose “tin can” writing Sheen claimed to have been “effortlessly and magically converting…into pure gold” for nearly a decade. 

His former manager, Lorre’s is used to unappreciative stars, to say the least. Consider: the esteemed writer/producer first whetted his sitcom chops working on “Roseanne” back in the early ’90s. Behind-the-scenes fights on that show became an everyday part of the job, as the star wrested more and more control out of creator Matt Williams’ hands and launched a frenzy of frequent firings. Before it was all over, tales of screaming tyrannical behavior emanated from the set regularly and Roseanne let it be known that she suffered from multiple personality disorder. 

Lorre's advice to the new production team?  "Good fucking LUCK, take him, he's yours, I won't even sue the rat bastard if you can keep him the hell away from me!"  Lorre, who was quite obviously packing, kept looking over his shoulder, eyes darting, scanning the faces of the crowd.  A car backfired and he hit the ground, whimpering, "Is that Charlie?"

The acting crew on the new set laughed it off when they heard of Lorre's fears.  An unidentified cast member told us off the record that they are thrilled Charlie is on board, they are really looking forward to the ratings boost, and the massive amounts of coke, "it will be like a party!"