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I pull off all that magic and what do I get? A hate thread because one little boy didn't get the goddamn Ezbake Oven he wanted. Listen, punk...It was the 60's goddamn it, we thought little boys didn't like girly stuff and they didn't turn homo until until they grew up and joined the army and shared a secret lights out bunkfuck with youfist! 

I was 9 years old when I got to play with my cousin's EZ Bake Oven. So that was in the 1970s, you lying fuck.

There were FIVE Mikes living on my street -- it was a hugely Italian neighborhood. Mike G. got wind of the fact that I had baked up some little cakes with cuz. He made fun of me. BIG MISTAKE. I was taller and bigger than him. I picked him up, swung him in a circle, released him into some nearby bushes. He cried and ran and told his Mommy on me. She told MY Mommy. MY Mommy didn't give a fuck. She told me I shouldn't have done that but there was no punishment.

I had Rockem-Sockem Robots, of course. But the blue one was wonky. His head never stayed down so that kind of defeated the whole purpose of "knocking his block off."

I also had Stretch Monster. I didn't want stretch Armstrong because I thought it was fucking creepy for a pre-teen to be playing with a mostly naked dude wearing a bikini brief. I had SOME class for a very short period of time until I discovered gloryholes, at which point all that went out the window.

I still have KerPlunk, which Santa gave to me. I was going to donate it to some needy children but I thought: fuck them. It's "retro." I'm keeping it.



Fist and I are just friends. Therefore, I wouldn't waste time sleeping with some straight dude when I'm not going to get anything out of it.

Clearly he farts in his sleep. I can fart all on my own. I don't care to sniff his gas when I'm trying to slumber.

Tell us a story about Santa!