And on the third day, Jesus rose from the dead and He was like, "Fuck. Dying sure makes for a massive hangover. My head is fucking killing me. I don't remember a thing since dinner on Thursday. I'm all scratched up... what the fuck? Holy shit, what's the deal with these palm and foot holes? Hey! Hey! Can someone roll that boulder out of the way for me?"

And an apostle came unto him and spake thusly, saying: "Dude! Holy fuck! You're freaking me out, man! We thought you were dead."

And Jesus extended his hand and said: "Fear not, apostle... uh... I forget your name, man. Was it Ron? Look, I'm sorry, but this being dead thing... it takes a while for your brain to kick-start again, you know? Anyway, look... do you have an aspirin or something?"

But the apostle did not, and he could not even tell Jesus where the newly risen son of God could find a Walgreen's open, being that it was Easter Sunday and all.

And Jesus did say: "Aren't most Walgreen's open on Easter anyway?"

And Not-Ron sayeth: "Maybe in the city, but not here."

And Jesus spake unto him, saying, "You don't even have an Alka-Seltzer? Oh, fuck it, dude. How about you just rub my temples for a few minutes?"

And the apostle, whose name was not Ron, did comply, rubbing the temples of the Lord with olive oil mixed with Parkay and fragrant herbs.

Lo, but Jesus had no sandals, and he said unto Not-Ron the apostle, "I can't be expected to put a pebble in my shoe if I don't have any freaking shoes."

And Not-Ron did give Jesus his own sandals, and Jesus was grateful, but only at first because they were the wrong size, and then he was kind of pissed, but he got over it eventually even though the sandals kept slipping at the ankle straps and chafing along the Lord's Achilles tendon.

"This really isn't my day," said Jesus, but in fact it was his day.

"I'd think you'd be in a better mood," Not-Ron did say unto him, "What with not being dead anymore. I mean, resurrection is a neat trick."

But Jesus shrugged and said only this: "Eh. I know people. It's all about connections."

Lo, they took the road into Damascus or Syria or maybe it was Jerusalem; it was hard to say as all of the writing on the signs was in Hebrew or some shit with squiggly letters and no one understands what that garbage means, not even the Hebrews, who just fake like they know it.

And Jesus decided he really didn't have all that much time to go out on a meet-and-greet kind of thing, and he told Not-Ron to just tell everyone else that he'd come back from the dead and that he'd said "Hi."

But Not-Ron sayeth unto him: "Don't you even want to get some brunch or something, dude? French toast and a mimosa?"

And Jesus was all like: "Stop talking about food, you're making me sick. I just want to take a nap for a couple thousand years until the Rapture."

And Jesus thusly ascended into Heaven and took his place in the seat at the right hand of the Father, after having to ask the Holy Ghost to kindly get up and move over, and the Holy Ghost was kind of ticked off at this, and the Holy Ghost said unto Jesus: "Man, this chair is really comfortable. You're gone for thirty-three years and all of a sudden I am the one who has to move?"

And lo, God The Father said unto the Holy Ghost: "Shut the fuck up, Kevin. He's my kid. How about we all three of us go out next weekend and look at new furniture? Will that make you happy?"

And Kevin The Holy Ghost was placated, and he did crack open a beer and God The Father let him have the remote control to Earth for a few hours, and Kevin did smite many people with the Delete button.

God The Father said unto Jesus: "My son. Did you at least bring me back a t-shirt? What? Not even a shitty paper-weight or a snowglobe or some kind of keychain from Earth?"

And Jesus was like: "Chill out, man. I've been back ten seconds and already you're giving me the third degree. You made the Heavens and the Earth, you know. You look down upon them all the time. Like you really need a snowglobe to remind you? Stop riding my ass, man. Shit. Kevin, toss me one of those beers."

And Jesus took a nap for a while, and his headache lessened, and on Monday he returned to Earth, just for a few minutes, to make a quick stop at Walgreen's to get some half-price chocolate candy and pick up a keychain for God.

The End... or is it?