top five ways my dog sleeps

1) upside down with his paws in the air
2) upside down with his head hanging over the edge of the chair
3) curled up tight with his nose tucked under his tail
4) stretched out on his side with his legs folded like a little fag boy
5) flat on his belly with his chin on his paws

top five ways my husband sleeps

1) flat on his back with his mouth wide open
2) curled up on his side using his pillow as a boo-boo blanket
3) from top right corner to bottom left, leaving me with a triangle to sleep on
4) like Jesus on a crucifix
5) scrunched up against me, trying to sleep on MY pillow

top five ways I'd do my husband in when he makes sleep impossible for me

1) suffocation
2) kinking the hose in his cpap machine
3) pouring water into his gapping open mouth when he refuses to wear his cpap machine
4) tying his limbs up on all four corners of the bed and letting him die of starvation.
5) a tangled sheet, strategically place

top five icky anomalies

1) a third nipple
2) skin tags
3) hairy moles
4) ingrown toenails
5) boils