EPISODE 5
Jeff Probst: Survivor Tocantins! Twelve! Now to my trailer!
(The Jalapao tribe is shown walking back to their camp in complete darkness. They are all carrying JT in a sling due to his paralysis)
Stephen: Man, I can't believe the jeep to camp broke down. Being from the city, 17 miles is a long way, and I'm not used to exercise, but I will tough it out due to my personal growth storyline.
Sydney: I'm a model. I'm too pretty for this.
(Sydney sits down on a rock and stops carrying the sling. Sydney then smiles and nods. The camera then pans to a shot of Stephen looking disgusted.)
Stephen Confessional: When the rest of the tribe and I were dragging JT's motionless corpse through the thickets and Sydney sat down to take a 30 second break, I realized something: noone drags our tribe down with so little work as does Sydney.
Carolina: Come ON, Sydney, my boobs are just as big as yours. Move it, whore, or I'll go to your shitty little apartment and kill you.
Sydney: Your boobs are NOT bigger than mine!
(Sydney finally gets up and begins to pull JT's body.)
(The camera pans to Timbira camp where a nude Tyson is walking around camp. He sees Sierra huddled next to the shelter, and begins to pee on her.)
Sierra: What the hell is wrong with you, Tyson? That's disgusting!
Tyson: I mistook you for a homeless person. I pee on homeless people in Utah. As a Mormon, I hate homeless people. You probably voted for Obama, you dirty hobo.
Sierra: We've already established I'm Sierra, not a homeless person, jerk!
(Jerry and Candace are shown waking up due to the fight.)
Jerry: Why are you calling Tyson names, Sierra? You're the real jerk.
Candace: Why haven't we voted you out yet?
Sierra: But he pe-
Candace: Apologize to Tyson before we vote you out. Now.
Sierra: In my ey-
Jerry: I was in the army, so I know torture techniques. Like hitting people. So you better apologize.
Sierra Confessional: That whole argument was ridonkulous. In the end, Jerry got a gun somehow. He made me apologize and then forced me to give Tyson a blowjob.
Tyson Confessional: I hope that homeless prostitute didn't have herpes.
(Brendan is shown waking up.)
Brendan: What happened?
Erinn: There was a huge argument. Gargantuan. You slept through all of it.
Brendan Confessional: My master plan is working, and I have instigated fighting between everyone in my tribe. If they are fighting, I am the only cool headed person.
(Brendan is shown giving a cameraman a stack of $100 bills. The cameraman points at a stump of a tree, and Brendan begins to dig, revealing a hidden immunity idol, a miniature of Rupert's head)
Brendan: Here's my golden idol.
Brendan Confessional: I am the only person to ever find an idol without any clues. I am an expert at this game and should be feared. I will be sure to keep this to myself.
(The camera pans to Erinn and Brendan talking. Brendan pulls out the idol.)
Erinn: Oh my god, is that what I think it is? An immunity idol? Me and my friends always google immunity idols. Sometimes when we hang out, we take our immunity idols an-
Brendan: Shut up. I will give this to you if you keep me to the final seven.
Erinn: Awesome.
Brendan Confessional: I lied. I have no intention of giving this to Erinn at the final seven.
(The camera pans to Debbie and Brendan speaking. Brendan once again pulls out the idol)
Debbie: And so, that's how I saved Christm- is that an immunity idol?
Brendan: Mhmm. You know what we can do with this?
Debbie: No, I don't, there's very little character development between us- it's like the editors just expect us to eat this up and believe it!
Brendan: It belongs to us jointly now. I will give it to you, but a Jalapao has to go first.
Debbie: Uh... okay?
Brendan Confessional: I lied. A Timbira WILL go first before I give that idol to Debbie. I am an evil manipulator. It's like I'm the only person playing!
(Debbie and Erinn are shown talking.)
Debbie: Brendan is not trustworthy.
Erinn: Who IS this jackass?
Debbie: Did he really not expect us to compare notes? As a principal, I always check my notes before doing anything.
Brendan Confessional: I call it my dumbass girl alliance. I now have idol alliances with every female in camp because lord knows competant females don't get casted on this show.
IC/RC #5: Memory Games
Jeff Probst: Come on in guys!
(Both tribes are shown walking into camp)
Jeff Probst: Spencer, voted out at the last tribal council! But now, it's time for immunity and reward! We are going to play a glorified game of concentration. Everybody's played concentration, right?
Sydney: Yes.
(Sydney smiles and nods.)
Jeff Probst: Do you guys want to know what you are playing for today?
Sydney: Yes.
(Sydney smiles and nods.)
Jeff Probst: Whenever you get a match on the board, you have the choice of picking the items or trading those items for a point. Most points win.
Sydney: Yes.
(Sydney smiles and nods.)
Jeff Probst: Timbira, you have two extra members. Please choose two people to sit out.
Brendan: I have never played concentration before. I should sit out.
Jerry: That is acceptable. I was raised in substandard housing and with a substandard dietary consumption, so my comparative IQ has been hurt as a result. I should sit as well.
Brendan Confessional: I lied, I actually hold the record for best memory in the state of California.
Erinn: Sierra and I are both competing? This is new.
Tyson: Shut up you skinny whore.
Erinn: Tyson, you are making me blush.
Jeff Probst: Alright, we will begin the competition.
(Sierra is the first guesser for Timbira. She goes to pick her first guess when Tyson trips her, causing her to knock over two pillars. It was revealed that the two pillars contained priceless, irreplacable Zhu dynasty china vases. They both shatter. Jeff awards Timbira with a point. Carolina heads out for Jalapao, but is unable to find a match, instead finding a salt shaker and a subscription to Sports Illustrated. Candace heads on the course for Timbira and easily matches Sports Illustrated and the other copy of Sports Illustrated. Timbira gets a second point. Eddie George goes on the field for Jalapao, but does not find a match, finding only melon and watermelon. Tyson goes out for Timbira, but only finds melon and watermelon. JT does not choose a match within the time limit due to his paralysis. Debbie goes out and matches the watermelon and the watermelon in a scholarly manner for Timbira. The score is 3-0 Timbira with 8 baskets remaining. Sydney goes out for Jalapao and matches the salt shaker with the other salt shaker. Jalapao elects to take the salt rather than the point. Erinn goes out for Timbira and finds melon, but cannot match it successfully, instead revealing the Tocantins native tribesman. Stephen goes out and easily finds the melon and its match, the other melon. Jalapao returns 3-1. Sierra goes out again and scores the winning point by revealing the native tribesman and the other native tribesman.)
Jeff Probst: That's it guys! Timbira wins immunity! Jalapao, here is your salt. I'll be seeing you at Tribal Council.
Sydney Confessional: JT, once again, did nothing. I cannot believe I am here. I am beautiful. Handicapped people aren't attractive.
Stephen Confessional: I like salt on my food. But seriously? We have watermelon. Nobody puts salt on watermelon.
Eddie Confessional: I cannot wait to put salt on my watermelon, just like back home in Ohio. Sydney is the best.
(The camera pans to Timbira camp)
Brendan: Congratulations guys, I think you guys all did wonderful!
Debbie: I did the best I could, and think we are all wonderful! Brendan, you are looking fabulous today. Do you mind if I hump your back?
Brendan: No, I do not.
(Debbie climbs on Brendan's back laughing. She begins to thrust.)
Brendan Confessional: I lied. I thought everyone did a horrible job. And I feel scarred by letting myself be humped by a 46 year old woman. At least she doesn't have a mullet.
Candace: We did so well, we are all fantastic. This proves an independent black woman can do anything!
Erinn: Oh my god! Independent black women? Me and my friends google independent black women all the time! Once I met Michelle Obama. So fierce. So real.
(Erinn begins to fan self)
(The camera pans to Jalapao camp, where Eddie George is salting his watermelon.)
Sydney: We should vote for JT. He's completely paralyzed. This isn't a tough decision.
Eddie: Okay. That's fine by me. I'll do it because you are an attractive white woman.
Sydney: I don't want to be mean, but your wife may be dead. Why aren't you in mourning?
Eddie: Who?
Sydney: Taj.
Eddie: What? Who? Whatever. Ever had a black boyfriend?
Sydney: No.
(Sydney frowns and nods)
Stephen: Carolina, remember how Sydney gave up? And how stupid her picking salt is? And how jealous you get of her?
Carolina: I AM SO JEALOUS.
Stephen: Good. Then that means that Sydney goes?
Carolina: My boobs decree it.
JT Confessional: I think my tribe forgot me at the challenge. I think they are just gonna helicopter me directly to tribal council. I'm voting for Carolina. If there is going to be any consistency in this fanfiction, I can't just drop a target after a single round.
TRIBAL COUNCIL #5
Jeff Probst: Hey Jalapao. Sad to see you here.
Sydney: Yes.
(Sydney nods and smiles)
Jeff Probst: Does anyone feel in danger?
Sydney: JT should!
JT: Carolina is always paranoid.
Stephen: As a nervous manipulator wizard NY Jew, I am always afraid of leaving.
Jeff Probst: Enough talk, let's get down with this.
(A montage of voting is shown to the song, "Bad to the Bone".)
Jeff Probst: I'll tally the votes.
JT
JT
Sydney
Sydney
Carolina
Jeff Probst: And with the sixth vote, Sydney, you are the fifth member voted out of this game.
Sydney: I am sad.
(Sydney frowns and nods)
Jeff Probst: 11 remain! See what happens next time!
Sydney's final words: I only had sex once. I am ashamed of myself. I am beautiful.
