There are spoilers contained straight ahead (and you know that the Dark Lord and God are never wrong), so if you want to remain unspoiled (never come back to Survivor Sucks again!! Run away while you still can!), just skip the next two paragraphs. For extra measures I wrote it in invisible ink (Zoes blood) that I permanently borrowed from her. Im considering auctioning off the rest of the invisible ink to the highest bidder (Hiya, suehawka!). Anyway, skip ahead right now if you do not want to learn the outcome of the show.
Greetings My child,
Let me begin by thanking you for sending me those hip survivor buffs, Peter and Gabriel have been placing bets on which tribe will come out the true victor-- Peter is rooting for Mamawhateverthefuck, while Gabriel has been rooting for Rotu ever since his favorite survivor, our lovely Gabe, showed off his extensive vocabulary with such gems as assuage and family. Marky, you should have seen us, when Gabriel started rapping Moses and Abraham were really getting down! Twas a sad day for us when Gabriel was voted off; I turn My back for a little while to save some kid from starving to death, and what do I find? Those heathens end up cannibalizing my pick from Day 1! Im so screwed now.
Anyway; pay attention to what I am to tell you, Marky. Vecepia showers Me with praise, she honors My name, and she worships Me. Tell her that if she refuses to speak for the remainder of the show, she will no longer be eternally damned. Let Sean be seen as the angry black man who is sufficiently lazy enough to out-Gervase Nick, and place him within the tribe of heathens. Now that I think of it, for kicks why not add that greasy kid from Boston? Put Vee there as well; I know that while there will not be an alliance between the two, there shall at least be comradeship. I will be making random appearances in the form of trees, to show my displeasure with the heartless cretins. As you know, nothing is worse than My wrath and vengeance. Except my sense of humor. I would be pleased if you could arrange for the Old Man to win; for I am planning on allowing Satan (Rosie ODonell) to cause the Old Man a heart attack upon his win; thus reverting the money to his wife, who shall fight it out amongst the courts with Neleh, who will carry the Old Mans baby.
If we are in agreeance with each other then follow My plan. If you adhere to my wishes, I shall deem you a God amongst men.
I hastily wrote back to God (thanks to the Dark Lord, for giving me His e-mail address!!), but my nemesis (that devious MAILER DAMEON!) would not let the e-mail reach him. One of these days I am going to get an important e-mail past that elitist snob! Someday
Shots of peaceful gorgeous scenery as the Dark Lord whores out and corrupts the once beautiful island. Cut to a complaining Sean--
Im hungry. I want some real food, not them APPLES or whatever theyre called. Im talking some real grub, like those snails that Pappy and Neleh were eating on that ship.
It seems that conserving energy to complain, rather than eat and work, seems to be Seans forte.
I can give you ten different combinations on what could happen, but Im not gonna do that cuz it takes too much energy to strategize.
If only I were making this up, although it should not come as a surprise to anyone who has been watching this show since the beginning. Or even the last five minutes. Throughout Seans complaints, Kathy is seen picking at her teeth with some green thing. It looks kinda gross, so Ive been wondering what it could possibly be.
A. Kels beef jerky (Im SO going to beat myself up for saying that).
B. A part of Robs t-shirt, left over from that special night
C. A piece of material found on that dead body (the CBS worker got what was coming to him for attempting to spoil the season!) that was discovered (there were two discoveries, by the way).
First person to answer back with the correct response gets some leftover yogurt. Yum, better hurry because they are going FAST! (Only 1,000,000 more containers to go ).
Vee mutters something, but I cant understand a word she says-- when people speak in monotone voices I get horrid flashbacks to RW Hawaiis Matt and I tend to space out and shake uncontrollably. As Vee continues to prattle on, Neleh comes up behind her and KICKS HER ASS! Well, not really-- but I wouldnt be surprised if she did. Its always the good kids who tend to have a real evil bitter side to them . Not that I would know or anything so um, back to the recap.
To be on an island, with five people who are talking and backstabbing; its really tough!
Ehhh, Neleh? You understand that you signed up for survivor, right? Okay, just making sure.
After time spent lounging together in the sun, Neleh and Pappy pull Kathy aside to discuss their feelings with her.
Neleh-- I would be absolutely pukey-sick if you were to pick Vee and Sean.
Will someone give this girl a dictionary?
Showing off her reading skills, Neleh reads the tree/stilt-mail to Kathy and Pappy. Pappy, a bit confused, says;
Well, we got our tree-mail on stilts and it basically said that we done whatever we were gonna do before again, so Im not sure what that means.
Gee, can the Dark Lord make it anymore obvious for them? Forget the tree-mail, I say next time just come right out and tell them what they will be doing oh wait, He did.
Commence exciting music with a simply marvelous drum-beat. Cut to a shot of Jeffy in a cowboy hat which ruins my mood. Even more. If he wears that damn hat ONE MORE TIME Ill just have to eat my own hat. Or better yet, steal his VISA card and buy him a decent one (along with other expensive items). Back to the reward challenge, it is quite simple:
1. Assemble blocks in a logical order
2. Break open coconuts and fill the small can with the juice
3. Walk a measly 10 steps on stilts
4. Find a key that is right in front of you, use it to open a lockbox (foreshadowing alert!)
5. Use the slingshot found inside the lockbox (foreshadowing!) to shoot your own tiki which is five feet in front of you.
Hard, eh? Well, Pappy manages to pull a Rudy-- he just stares blankly at the blocks and knocks them over. Gjob Papster, thats the right attitude! Now if only we can get you a slingshot with Jeffy nearby Vee and Neleh start off ahead of Sean, but Seans skill with breaking nuts proves to be too much for Vee and Neleh.
Sean manages to thank God for watching out especially for him and not those other nasty stupid people. Who would have thought a man from Harlem? Well, considering the fact that Sean has been saving his energy throughout the entire show by doing absolutely nothing-- of COURSE he would win. Big surprise there. Almost as shocking as the reward, a SUV (I dont feel like advertising it here in my recap, so HA!), which was greeted with fake shock and muffled gasps. And, oh my HECK! Is Jeffy racist???
You may not look good now, but youll look good in that ride. Nah, nevermind. Hes just an asshole. Carry on, Jeffy!
After the reward challenge, we are treated to Pappy complaining about being old. Hes tired, dizzy, his brain is foggy, and hes OLD. OLD OLD OLD. In case Mark Burnett didnt pound it into our head enough, I think I shall repeat it for you again. Hes OLD. You can thank me later.
Cue cheery tropical music as Sean is shown catching his first troka (I gotta ask Soozin how to spell that one). Im proud for Sean, after all it only took him 35 days!
Later, back at camp-- Vee and Pappy have a talk about clearing the air around the fire later on that night.
Its best to get as much out in the open as we can. Truer words were never spoken, too bad they were spoken by Vee. How much did you fess up to, Vee? Oh that's right...
[ The sun sets on soliantu. Cue ominous music]
Vee- "Pappy, you looked like shit today (praise the Lord!), what do you have to say for yourself?"
Pappy- "Well, my concern was that you thought Neleh and I had entered an alliance."
Neleh- "We didnt; we just swore to never vote against each other, we just happen to vote the same exact way at every tribal council, and we just happen to enjoy taking showers toget" [censored by HIM must persist cant win HEs too strong ]
Pappy- "Okay, maybe we have an alliance. And its a mighty fine one too, may I add."
Kathy- "I didnt know that! I knew you guys had a bond and a friendship, but an alliance?"
Pappy- "Well, yeah."
Kathy- "Okay, were talking numbers here. Right now we have five, two two person alliance and one swing vote."
Kathy- "Okay, five is an odd number. You cant get a tie with an odd number. Thus, were talking numbers. Ya dig?"
[they all nod their heads emphatically, except Sean who has a dazed look on his face]
Neleh- "I think Sean and Vee have a tight bond because they have been together for a long time and--"
Sean- --"No, shut up"--
Neleh- "Let me explain"--
Sean- "Shut up, Neleh! There is no alliance, what the fuck are you babbling about? Dont use me and Vee as a scapegoat!"
Neleh- "Oh my heck! Thats not--"
Sean- "Shut up, Im right youre wrong! Im rubber and youre glue! Eat my shorts! Ha ha!"
[Tree moves closer towards Sean and glares]
Neleh and Pappy do not believe Sean and Vee, in that they are free of an alliance. Sean and Vee try to convince themselves that they are not in an alliance. Kathy is in her own little kite-flying world of psychosis.
Cut to Tribal Council. Ive been waiting all season for this challenge, for I love how serious Jeffy gets when he sits the survivors down for storytime! Anyway, heres his story:
Once upon a time, there was a bitter and lonely host of Rock and Roll Jeopardy. This host has been trying to crack the A list of celebrities since he was a young boy, of the age of 7. "Aim high", his mommy told him Her last words to him before she was struck down by a runaway boar. This bitter host had grown up to be a charming young man, with dimples tattooed into his cheeks, and a sadistic smirk for everything he found trivial. Which happened to be everything. This rising star had been discovered by [censored by the Dark Lord to protect HIM] at a local bar, anxious for an opportunity to show the world his true colors he signed on to a show that has since graced millions of televisions everywhere. [my note-- sorry for the depressing story, but I am just repeating what he said ]
Immunity challenge. There are six stations with two possible answers to the question. The survivors are allowed to miss one question; but with a penalty of throwing the CBS workers bones into the fire, thus losing precious time. All right, real quick-- Let me just say that it is real smart giving an old man and a psychopath fire. So Kathy ends up winning immunity (after beating Neleh by a tiki-- ooh, new catchphrase!) and she celebrates by swinging her torch around in wild circles, almost taking Jeffys head off. Too bad she missed.
[Cue scary chimes and hisses]
TRIBAL COUNCIL! The jury enters clothed in black. Real spooky n shit.
Jeffy I like to stir up trouble Probst- "So the irony is that tonight we have only five people, only one who does not need immunity. Thats you Kathy (duh). Have you thought about utilizing the value of the immunity necklace?"
Kathy- "No one has come up to talk to me, this necklace is always negotiable."
Jeffy- "Anyone here want it?"
[nervous laughter from Kathy]
Jeffy- "Whats the deal youre offering Kathy?"
Sean- "I wont vote for you and we will go to the top!" [Um, you werent going to vote for her anyway okay... i must put down sharp objects ]
Jeffy- "So why should Kathy care?"
Sean- "I dont wanna give my stategery away".
[Pappy shakes his head]
Kathy- "You havent explained anything yet, though."
Sean- "This is funny, cuz um I thought that, um, you wanna, um, hook up with me and Vee and um, not that we have an um, alliance or anything, but um "
Vee- "If Sean gets immunity then we will have an alliance. If not, Ill sell my soul to the highest bidder (praise Jesus!)"
Pappy- "Let me jump in here real quick to call Sean an amusing liar."
[the foreshadowing is OVER the moment has finally arrived!]
[Sean rolls his eyes]
Sean- "Jim, I want to interrupt so I can defend my character. This is like Monopoly because the game is fake."
Jeffy- "Let me just recap, Sean you are now screwed."
Sean- "You are all assuming morons."
Pappy- "Dont talk about assumptions."
Sean- "I didnt say--"
Pappy- "Shut up and listen!"
Sean- "Dont point your finger at me!"
Pappy- "Ill point my finger atcha, if I damn will please."
Sean- "But I--"
Pappy- "Shut up and listen for once!"
Sean- "Im listenin! Im listenin!"
Sean- "So what you trying to say?"
Pappy- "You are talking out of your ass, boy."
Sean- "Pah-lease! Vote me out, but I am going to speak my mind."
And with that concludes the best Tribal Council ever.
I want to end this recap with my own awards, seeing as how that seems to be the theme around here lately.
Most annoying voice currently on television is-- NELEH! Congratulations, princess! As a token of my appreciation, I will be setting up a fund to give you voice lessons.
Most likely to be murdered upon recognition?-- SEAN!
Most likely to have skin disintegrate and peel in front of you?-- PAPPY!
Most likely to be forgotten?-- VEE! (who?)
Most likely to fill Mike Skupins shoes as a firehazard?-- KATHY! After reviewing the tape, Ive concluded that while While Pappy showed his desire for this recognition by tripping, Kathy barely pulled ahead by swinging her torch around Jeffys head. Pappy, the tribe has spoken. Fire is life, you happen to lack both.
the most important award of all....
Most likely to take himself too seriously?-- JEFFY!