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SUPER-VIVOR!
EPISODE ONE
AY! I WASN'T THE FONZ!
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(Authors Note: Any and all references/anecdotes about the castaways and their lives outside of the game, as well as the depictions of the castaways herein, as well as any references/anecdotes to their previous "Survivor" experiences are all purely fictitious and based around stereotypes from the show. We also apologize ahead of time to the people of the nation of Australia since, well, you’ll find out when it happens. This is entirely fictitious and meant for entertainment purposes solely. Also, some material in this story may be extremely offensive to people of different genders, races and sexual preferences. Marcy and Matt (the authors, Marcy being a big gay Canadian and Matt being a tree-hugging liberal pussy) love everybody equally so no harm is meant. If any Survivors actually happen to read this story, please don’t kill us or sue us. We love you all, and this is all just meant in good fun.)
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- - -
The Castaways
Survivor: Borneo - Colleen Haskell, Richard Hatch, Rudy Boesch, Susan Hawk
Survivor: The Australian Outback - Amber Brkich, Colby Donaldson, Jerri Manthey, Michael Skupin
Survivor: Africa - Lex van den Berghe
Survivor: Marquesas - Kathy Vavrick-O'Brien, Rob Mariano, Vecepia Towery
Survivor: Thailand - Clay Jordan
Survivor: The Amazon - Christy Smith
Survivor: Pearl Islands - Jon Dalton, Lillian Morris, Rupert Boneham, Sandra Diaz-Twine
Survivor: Vanuatu, Islands of Fire - Eliza Orlins, Rory Freeman
- - -

(Fade up.)

(We see various shots of the Australian Outback. The sun rises over the horizon. Herds of wallabies jump and run off into the distance. A crocodile wallows lazily in the water. Koalas cower around the corpse of a downed gazelle, their mouths dripping with blood. They growl at the camera.)

(A massive cargo airplane suddenly flies into view, drowning out all noise as if it’s the most important thing in the universe. Being that there’s an American flag painted on to the side, it really is.)

(Cut to inside the plane, we look up and down the rows of various Survivors, with the men on one side and the women on the other. They sit silently as the camera goes up the row. Eliza sticks a finger down her throat and vomits into a paper bag. Colleen sits by looking ever so cute. Susan looks like she does on a good day, like she was hit by a truck.)

(On the men’s side, Boston Rob looks on with a goofy grin. Lex sits staring off into the distance looking intense, methodically cutting his arm with a piece of broken glass. Jon flashes his gang signs proudly. We pan across the top of Clay’s head, which is cut off by the camera because he's so short, to Michael, who has already managed to kill some small animal and is currently painting his body in a ritualistic fashion with its blood.)

(We pan over to Jeff Probst who sits by with an attempted rugged look while wearing his trademark blue shirt.)

JEFF PROBST: We are currently flying over one of the harshest yet most photogenic landscapes, The Australian Outback. It is home to such dangerous wildlife as the crocodile, dozens of deadly snakes, and that cameraman we abandoned here three years ago who swore to get our blood. These twenty Americans were willing to answer our calls and have chosen to take part in the adventure of a lifetime. This season, however, is different, since these- I didn’t say you could stop.

(Colby's head pops into view.)

COLBY: But Jeff, mah wrist hur-

JEFF: I DIDN’T SAY YOU COULD STOP! (He smiles again) Yeah, that’s the stuff... (Seriously) This season is different, since these people know each other and have seen each other play before, which makes for good dramality and the like. Then again it could turn into a competition where the least deserving player wins because they shut up while everyone else did the talking. Either way, they’re oblivious to the fact that they will be abandoned with no help. They will have no fire, no water, and only one machete and a can of beans to last them god only knows how many days. They’ll have to fend for themselves until the first reward challenge at which point they’ll live like kings.

(Dramatic music as the camera flashes by each of the castaway’s faces, then cutting to Jeff as he stands on the edge of the plane’s open back door.)

JEFF: Twenty All-Stars, a whole lotta days, ONE SUPER-VIVOR!

(The plane banks sharply, sending Jeff to the ground.)

(Dramatic Ancient Voices music kicks in as we get more images of Australia. Crocodiles looking angry. Snakes swimming in the river. Wombats fighting. Big Tom dancing merrily.)

"20 ALL-STARS"

COLLEEN, behind a bunch of flies. Rob Schneider looks on in the background and smiles.

RUPERT, breaking through the ocean like Poseidon, god of the seas. A huge trumpet fanfare greets him as he jumps out of the water.

JON, running by and flashing his gang signs.

JERRI, a picture of Linda Blair from the Exorcist.

(Shot of people jumping off a cliff for some reason. They pile up in a bloody heap on the ground as dramatic music accentuates the shot.)

CLAY, showing a picture of the top of his head. Fades into view of him in a challenge, where we only see his forehead bobbing up and down.

CHRISTY, the music gets real loud as Christy’s picture crosses the screen. "(CLOSED CAPTIONED FOR THE HEARING IMPAIRED.)"

RORY, a shot of LeVar Burton getting whipped in Roots.

RUDY, looking very old.

LILLIAN, looking older. She cries.

VECEPIA, sitting in a hammock. She yawns.

(Shot of a platypus just sitting there. More of Big Tom dancing.)

"A WHOLE LOTTA DAYS"

KATHY, squatting on the ground.

LEX, carving tattoos into his knuckles with the top of a tin can.

SANDRA, looking angry and shouting.

ROB, beating his grandmother with a tire iron. He giggles.

SUSAN, looking angry and shouting. A banjo riff goes off in the music as her picture fades in and out.

MICHAEL, a picture of the Human Torch.

(A shot of the production camp littered with empty beer cans.)

ELIZA, looking particularly bony with her mouth open like a large-mouthed bass.

COLBY, grating cheese on his abs.

RICHARD, grating cheese on Colby’s abs.

AMBER, just a long holding shot on her picture that fades in and out as if it’s particularly important.

RUPERT, now framed to look like Zeus, because we just can’t get enough of him.

(A shot of people digging a hole for some reason.)

ONE SUPER-VIVOR!

(A bunch of people covered in mud walking to Tribal Council.)

(Lots of swirling shots of fire, people and Tribal Council as the SUPER-VIVOR! logo comes up.)

(Quick shot of Boris Yeltsin in Elisabeth’s headdress. Foreshadowing?!?!?)

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DAY ONE
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(Fade back in. The plane lands out in the middle of nowhere as the door opens in the back. Jeff walks down the aisle and fires a shotgun repeatedly into the air.)

JEFF: OFF THE PLANE, GET OFF THE PLANE! (Blam!) GET OFF!

(People run out in a melee into the bushes as Jeff begins to fire into the crowd. Jeff avoids Rupert as he steps off the plane. The view goes into slow motion for a moment as a triumphant trumpet fanfare surrounds the man. Light surrounds him and his tie-dyed shirt as he balls up his fists and lets out a Rupert Roar ©®™.)

(Just behind him, Jerri steps out and all goes silent. A lone grasshopper chirps in the background.)

RANDOM PERSON (OS): You suck!

(A single tear falls down her cheek.)

JERRI (Confessional): I was a bitch the last time I was out here and it made people hate me. No one realizes that we are people too, that we have lives and are doing this for their entertainment. This game is ugly, these people are ugly, but since nobody’s willing to give me a job I had to do it. I need money and food and water. I f***ing hate Survivor.

(Jeff continues to fire shotgun blasts into the air and at the contestants until they’ve all scattered to the winds of the Australian scrubland. Once they’ve all gone away, he throws out a can of beans and a machete.)

JEFF: Have a nice day!

(The back door closes and the plane speeds off.)

ELIZA: Now what?

(Michael rushes to grab the machete.)

MICHAEL: I shall call you Charlene.

MICHAEL (Confessional): I knew right away that having the machete would be the best thing since it proves I am the dominant one, so that way I can allow all the women to let me help them repopulate our society and create my unholy army of true believers. It’s fool-proof.

(They stand around looking confused. Jerri walks to the group looking excited.)

JERRI: Hey guys, I found a beaten path! It could be to our camp!

CLAY: Heydoesanyoneknowwhichwaytharistocamp?

COLBY: I dunno, they didn’t tell us nothing.

JERRI: Come on, I found a path!

(She points to a clear path made from jeep tracks littered with beer cans and Big Mac wrappers.)

KATHY: Let’s ask Rupert, he’ll find camp for us!

(Everyone crowds around Rupert, leaving Jerri behind. Rupert looks thoughtful, he sighs heavily.)

JERRI: It’s over this way!

(She points off down the path. Indeed, the tribe flag is visible maybe one hundred meters in the distance. Rupert looks to the ground and sighs again.)

RUPERT: I don’t know, maybe it’s that way?

(He points off into the distance towards a scary looking patch of monster trees and dark clouds. Lightning crackles over it as maniacal laughter is heard.)

KATHY: All right, you all heard Rupert! Let’s go that way!

(Everyone enthusiastically follows Rupert while Jerri stands by bewildered.)

JERRI: Where is everyone going? I told you, camp is this way!

RUPERT: (Roaring) Can someone please shut her up?

(Eliza rushes up and bludgeons her in the face with a tree limb.)

RUPERT: Thank you.

(Eliza bows down before Rupert and grabs his hand.)

ELIZA (Confessional): The master favors me, I shall surely do well.

(The group wanders off into the scary woods as thrilling, inspirational music plays in the background.)

(Montage as they hike to camp. Michael hacks away at things repeatedly with a machete. Close shot of a cow skull on the ground. Kathy, Eliza, Rudy and Lex carry Rupert on a platform as Colleen feeds him grapes. Lillian cries. Rory drags Jerri with a rope tied around her wrists and a sock balled up in her mouth.)

RORY: It’s funny ‘cause she’s white.

(He kicks her in the shins.)

("6 HOURS LATER…")

(They finally reach camp, a bright green Survivor flag surrounded by a thorny boma (like the ones from Africa) with a river off in the distance.)

ROB: I told you this was da way to camp! Dis is why y’all should listen to me!

AMBER: Was it really necessary to sell our first born to those farmers for directions?

ROB: Yeah, it was.

AMBER: Was the sodomy necessary?

(Beat.)

ROB: Yes. Yes it was.

ROB (Confessional): Ambah should really stop questioning me since I’m the man here and men know best. If she thinks she can wear mah pants I’m gonna shoot her in da back of her head on our weddin night and take her money just like ah did with Ethan.

(Christy jumps up and down excitedly.)

CHRISTY: We found it, we found it!

RICHARD: The deaf girl’s talking again.

JON: F*** her, she’s deaf. Hey everybody, I found camp!

(Everybody rushes into camp behind Christy. Eliza pushes her into the boma wall.)

CHRISTY: Oww.

(She tries to pull herself out of the wall, but Eliza pushes her back in.)

CHRISTY: Oww.

ELIZA: No, normal people have camp and cripples are the spawn of Satan, you stay here.

CHRISTY: What about Chad, that guy from your season?

ELIZA: Chad’s inspirational, you’re a raging bitch. You stay here.

(Eliza walks away with the rest while Christy stays in the wall, flailing around like a fly in a spider web.)

CHRISTY (confessional): This is just like the first time, people hate me already. It’s like being on death row all over again.

(Colleen finds a piece of paper tied to a large bucket.)

COLLEEN: Hey, we have a note!

(Richard pushes her to the ground and takes the note from her hands, reading it aloud as the others gather around.)

RICHARD: "Welcome castaways…"

COLLEEN (OS): I’ve fallen on an anthill.

RICHARD: "…You may be wondering why you haven’t been divided into tribes yet. Well, don’t ask, because people who ask questions in this game meet the same fate as Kelly Wigglesworth."

(Cut to Kelly Wigglesworth at the checkout line of a supermarket.)

CASHIER: Say, weren’t you on Big Brother?

(Kelly hangs head in shame.)

(Cut back to Richard reading.)

RICHARD: In the meantime, you must stay within your boma to avoid animal attacks and Jehovah’s Witnesses. You must fortify the damaged wall with more thorns and the provided Tony Danza poster and keep a fire burning at all times.

COLLEEN (OS): They’re really beginning to sting.

RICHARD: Aside from the provided can of beans you must find your own food and water. Best of luck, see you at the first challenge. Hugs and kisses, Probsty.

MICHAEL: Since our great lord and savior has deemed me the leader, I dictate that we need shelter and we need it soon. Anyone have a luxury item that’s of any use?

(Kathy opens her backpack.)

KATHY: I got some paints.

(Rob opens his bag.)

ROB: I gots a football.

COLLEEN (OS): The agony is unbearable.

(We pan to the top of Clay’s head.)

CLAY: Igotthereaboxtostandon.

LEX: Then why don’t you use it?

CLAY: I am.

LEX: Gotcha.

MICHAEL: Anyone else?

(Colby opens his bag and presents a large square of folded cloth.)

COLBY: Ah got a flag we can use.

MICHAEL: Excellent, we’ll make a tent out of it.

(Colby begins to unfold it revealing it to be a large confederate flag. Rory looks on with bug-eyes.)

MICHAEL: Let’s put it up over here in the middle, we can set up a fire over there and get everyone else to work on the bo-

RORY: Excuse me!

MICHAEL: What?

RORY: Isn’t there something wrong with this picture?

(Pause.)

MICHAEL: Well, we’ll need to find some more thorns for the boma, but they’re bound to be around over there, did anyone bring any gloves?

RORY: No, I mean with the flag!

(Pause.)

MICHAEL: Well, that one edge is frayed a bit but it shouldn’t be too much of a problem, it may not be big enough to sleep all of us but-

RORY: No, it’s racist, are you blind?

MICHAEL: Look, we don’t have time to argue the true definition of racism or hate crimes or locking Chinese kids in your basement for a month to sell for healthy organs! If we keep doing that we won’t get a lot done. (Pointing at some folks.) You, you, you, help me with the shelter. Everyone else, get to work on the walls. Rory, go fetch us some water.

RORY: Bu-

MICHAEL: NOW! You do NOT question the dominant one! I fell in a fire, I WAS CHOSEN BY GOD! So go fetch us water NOW!

(Rory walks away muttering.)

RORY (Confessional): My whole racist flag thing was just an act. I honestly can’t believe they bought it. I don’t give a damn about them or their flag, I’m just here to beat all the crackers at their own game. I’m not racist. My favorite crackers are the ones with little salt cubes on them.

COLBY (Confessional): I can’t believe Rory blew a gasket over my flag. It was what I was raised on and it is a symbol of national pride and if he doesn’t respect it then he’s un-American and a communist and should be shot. Rory’s a moron, I’m officially cutting all ties to him.

(Dramatic montage of camp building set to an inspirational Oom-pa-pa theme. Michael, Lex, Kathy and Susan set up the shelter using Colby’s massive flag. Colby flexes his muscles. Vecepia sleeps. A bunch of people drag in thorny bushes. Sandra cuts her hand on a thorny bush.)

SANDRA: F***ING F***, God D*** IT! Q******ING U***!

(Colby and Rob carry a long beam of wood between them, while we see Clay’s arms holding the mid-section as he dangles from it. Amber pushes some more thorny bushes to cover up Christy. Vecepia sleeps. With a dramatic swelling of music, Rupert ties his shoe. He lets out a triumphant Rupert Roar ©®™. Rory strains as he brings a massive bucket of water up from the river to Colby. Colby takes a small sip from it, then throws the rest on a still tied up Jerri.)

COLBY: More!

(Michael sharpens a stick with a machete for some reason, then throws it into a pile of similar sticks. A considerably chewed up Colleen hangs their Tony Danza poster, which consists of a picture of Tony Danza giving two thumbs up with the caption "AY! I WASN'T THE FONZ!" Jon stumbles upon a dried out corpse in the middle of the outback with a knife sticking from it’s back. It grabs him as he passes.)

BODY: Water, please.

(Screaming like a little girl, Jon grabs the knife from the bodies back and stabs it dozens of times. When it stops moving, he lifts the wallet from the back pocket, drivers license reading GLEASON, KEL. Looking to the back, he pulls out the cash and tosses the wallet to the side. He smiles for the camera before flashing his gang signs again and walking off.)

(Shot of the sun crossing the sky. Some time later, the boma is all but complete, they have a functioning tent, and the Tony Danza poster is Tony Danza-y. Vecepia continues to sleep.)

(Cut to the river. Colleen, Eliza, Amber and a still-tied up and gagged Jerri lounge by the river, tanning. Colby rubs butter into his abs from a container clearly labeled "BUTTER." Lex and Michael stand up the river with their fishing spears.)

LEX: We thought that it’d be good since they’re already working on fire to try and get some food.

MICHAEL: We found this new friction method that we’re really hoping gets us some results.

(Cut back to camp. Jon stands with his back to the camera staring into a floor length mirror moving his hand rapidly at around waist-height.)

JON: I’msofunnyI’msofunnyI’msofunnyI’msofunny!

(Richard brings over some kindling.)

(Cut back to the fishers.)

LEX: We’re hoping for the best.

(Lex tries to spear another fish.)

LEX: Damn it! There’s nothing here, I swear.

(As a pillar of light from the sky enters the beach, Rupert makes his presence known.)

RUPERT: Are you fishing?

MICHAEL: Yes, yes we are, but I don’t know if we’re going to find anything around here. This area might be fished out.

LEX: Would you like to try?

(He wades out of the water and hands Rupert a spear.)

RUPERT: Nah, I don’t feel like fishing today.

(Rupert drops his spear into the water. When Michael pulls it out, there’s six fish skewered onto the end.)

LEX: Hey everyone, look what Rupert did!

(The entire cast crowds around as Rupert proudly shows off the fish, even Christy who is dragging several pieces of fence behind her.)

AMBER (Confessional): Oh my god, Rupert is just so awesome. If I hadn’t signed that pre-nup, I would so be having Rupert’s babies right now.

MICHAEL (Confessional): I can’t have Rupert usurping my power as leader of this tribe. It’s not supposed to be this way, I’m supposed to be the one in charge here, IT IS MY DESTINY! He must perish in the fire.

RUDY (Confessional, he sits there for about a minute staring into the camera): I’m Rudy.

(Dramatic music sting.)

(Commercial Break.)

("NIGHT 1")

(Night-visiony view as all the castaways are gathered around the fire, talking and eating fish. Vecepia continues to sleep.)

JON: …and that’s how I learned you can’t go to a bar mitzvah without a bone saw and a ten gallon jug of anal lube.

(Some laugh, others nod attentively.)

RORY: Bone saw, I keep forgetting the bone saw.

(Jon dances around the fire, flashing his signs and laughing maniacally.)

SANDRA (Confessional): Jon was thinking just because he made us fire he can go around acting like a jackass and being another little prison b****, but I know him, he made it all up and he’s just trying to f*** us up.

JON (Confessional): I was the hero today because everyone thinks I made the fire, but I didn’t. That was all Richard, but we came to a deal; I don’t tell everyone how he smuggled in the matches, the switch-blade and the baseball, he doesn’t tell about that sweaty night in the back of that ’72 Buick Skylark after the All-Stars Reunion. It’s all good.

(As everyone eats fish, Christy sits off to the side with her chin on her knees watching everyone and glowering.)

CHRISTY (Confessional): I didn’t mind not being able to listen to the conversations at night for once. I mean, I can’t listen to them anyway since you know, I’m deaf, but with these people there’s nothing really to listen to anyway. I can work with the physically handicapped, but I don’t deal with the mentally handicapped. These people, they’re just f***ing retards, let them take care of themselves.

(As Christy looks on, Jon balances a machete on its tip on his nose as everyone laughs.)

SUSAN: Oh, Jon! You're so funny!

JON: Yes! I am! I really am!

(We pan upwards away from our loveable castaways as wholesome laughter is heard.)

JON (OS): OW! MY F***ING EYE!

(We watch as the moon rolls by into daytime.)

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DAY TWO: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
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(The gorgeous scenery of Australia is showcased for all to see with a bunch of stock nature footage that probably was not filmed anywhere near the castaways' camp.)

(Panning across the castaways sleeping in their makeshift shelter, we see that Jerri is tied and bound in front of the tent, and the rest of the castaways sleep peacefully within, Christy still with several large pieces of shelter attached to her.)

(Colby steps into view wearing what is clearly a Ku Klux Klan outfit. Rory awakens from his sleep slowly, rubbing his eyes into consciousness, when BAM! They bug out of his head at the sight of Colby.)

RORY: Colby, what the hell?!

(Beat.)

COLBY: What?

RORY: You're... wearing... I mean... holy crap, Colby?! What the-?

COLBY: Yeah, aren't mah pyjamas swell! My mom made them for me and everything!

RORY: But don't you realize how that's-

MICHAEL (Popping his head up): Hey hey hey, Rory, don't criticize Colby for being a momma's boy. How would you feel if people criticized you and made you feel bad because you were different from the rest of us somehow?

RORY: But-

COLBY: Yeah, it's not mah fault that ah love my mom and ah wear clothes she made for me.

RORY: But-

MICHAEL: Yeah, it most certainly is not his fault that he should have been born with a vagina because he's such a McNancyPants.

COLBY: Yeah. It's not my fault. Don't be such a jerk, Rory.

(Colby exits the tent and kicks Jerri flat in the chest on his way out.)

MICHAEL: Yeah, Rory, cool off man.

RORY (Confessional): Man, I can't believe those fools bought that clearly obvious act this morning. I obviously didn't really think Colby's pyjamas are racist and I obviously never flat out lie about my previous actions in a desperate attempt to make myself look like less of an idiot but therefore ironically portraying myself as an even bigger idiot because I'm delusional. Never. Ever. Ever.

(Cutting back to camp, Lillian wanders out of the tent with a makeshift fishing rod. Her pants are pulled up to her breasts.)

LILLIAN (Sniffles): I'm going fishing!

(Christy walks up to her.)

CHRISTY: Hey, can I come?

LILLIAN: Why sure!

(They happily walk towards the river, big smiles on their faces, until they are covered by a giant shadow of epic proportions.)

RUPERT (OS): WHO DARES DISTURB MY RIVER?!

(Zoom around to show Rupert, accentuated by all the light in the heavens, wearing a big crown and holding a jewel encrusted staff. He also has a tie-dye cape, but other than that is completely naked, a big blur covering up his little Rupert-bits.)

LILLIAN: ...Uh...

CHRISTY: You're naked.

RUPERT: Dare you FISH in my presence?! I am the fisherman here! ...And Lex and Michael and Richard... But YOU... YOU are not fisher MEN!

LILLIAN: Oh... um...

(Lillian starts to bawl her eyes out.)

CHRISTY: Look! Look! You made her cry!

(Christy starts crying.)

RUPERT: HEY! HEY! STOP CRYING YOU WORTHLESS FEMALES! I SHALL SPLIT YOUR HEADS WITH MY MIGHTY FISTS!

KATHY (Suddenly popping onscreen and pointing): Hey, look everyone! Rupert's being cuddly!

(Suddenly a bunch of cameras pop onscreen and take photos of Rupert menacing the crying women, drooling all over them with his fang-like teeth sticking out, completely naked with all of his jewels and looking really angry.)

VOICES OF ADORING PUBLIC (OS): Awwwwwww!

(Rupert blushes and smiles a bit and waves at his adoring public.)

RUPERT (Turning back to Christy and Lillian): Alright then... I shall let you fish... but mark my words... If you lose my fishing rod, I WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD.

LILLIAN: ...I made the fishing rod ten minutes ago with a knife and a stick.

RUPERT: Oh. Alright then.

(Rupert wanders off.)

(Christy and Lillian happily wander over to a nice sittin' spot, plunk down and start fishing.)

CHRISTY: Hey, Lillian, I was thinking...

LILLIAN: Yes?

CHRISTY: Well... even though we're all living on one beach and nobody knows if there's one tribe or two tribes or three tribes or who's on what tribe... I was thinking...

LILLIAN: Mmm-hmm?

CHRISTY: I think you and I should form an alliance. I mean, come on. We're the underdogs. I'm deaf, you're old. What do you think?

LILLIAN: Why sure, Christy! I'd love to form an alliance with you! You're a sweet girl.

CHRISTY (Cupping one hand to her ear): WHAT?!

LILLIAN: ...I said I'd love to form an alliance with you. You're a sweet girl.

CHRISTY: WHAT?!

LILLIAN: I'd like to be in an alliance with you.

CHRISTY: WHAT?!

LILLIAN (Clearly forming the words with her mouth): A-LLI-ANCE. YES. ME. YOU.

CHRISTY: WHAT?!

LILLIAN: I WANNA BE IN YOUR F***ING ALLIANCE!

CHRISTY: WHAT?!

LILLIAN: ALLIANCE! I WANNA BE IN AN ALLIANCE WITH YOU!

CHRISTY: WHAT?!

(Suddenly Jon pops out of the bushes. He clearly has a machete sticking out of one side of his head.)

JON: A-ha! I knew it! I caught you scheming Lillian! Ah ha ha! Your wrinkly old ass is mine! Mine I say!

(Jon scampers off.)

CHRISTY: Hey, what did he just say? I'm deaf.

LILLIAN (Confessional): I'm really concerned that Jon might make me look bad to the entire tribe. I mean, he heard my whole sneaky conversation with Christy! He could out the alliance to everyone and I could be the first out!

(Cut to Jon sitting at camp with Richard, Michael and Lex.)

JON: And then she said she was forming an alliance with Christy!

LEX: ...You're totally lying.

MICHAEL: Totally.

JON: Am not!

MICHAEL: Jon, you're a chronic liar. Everybody knows that.

JON: Am not!

LEX: Just yesterday you told Colleen you were a thirty two year old Filipino woman and she believed you because she never watches the show.

JON: ...Okay, I'll give you that one.

MICHAEL: And Kathy told me earlier that you tried to convince her you were really a mouse in a giant man suit.

JON: ...Okay, now that was just taken out of context, but-

MICHAEL: And what's with your hair? Come on.

JON: It's genetic.

MICHAEL: Your hair is genetic?

JON: Yes, passed on from generation to generation. Big ol' fro.

LEX (Sighs): Oh, Jon, you and your lies.

JON: ...Guys, seriously, I swear on my grandma's grave that Lillian is being sneaky!

MICHAEL: Hmm...

LEX: Well, he's got a point there.

MICHAEL: Yeah, only the scum of the earth would swear on the grave of a dead relative.

JON: Yeah, and she's really dead. I swear!

(Cut to a shot of happy feet skipping through the jungle. A dramatic zoom out reveals host Jeff Probst in all his skipping revelry. Exiting the jungle, he enters the castaways' camp.)

JEFF PROBST: Gather round everybody! I'm here for some fun lovin'!

(Slowly but surely all of the castaways gather in front of Jeff. Christy is still covered in shelter, Jerri is still tied and bound, Colby is still in his "pajamas," and Rupert is still pretty damned naked and wearing his king of the sea getup. Vecepia lies in front of the rest, fast asleep.)

JEFF: Alright, castaways, I'm here to announce your first challenge. You may have noticed those twenty giant poles in your tribal river.

(Pan over to show twenty giant poles, nineteen white and one black, sticking out of the river.)

COLBY: ...Oh yeah.

LEX: Yeah, what's up with that?

JEFF: Welcome to your first challenge!

(The castaways gasp.)

JEFF: This challenge is not for Immunity or Reward. Oh no. This challenge is for something far more important than that... TWO people will win, and they will get to select your two tribes for the remaining bunch of days... There will be two tribes of nine, which means two of you, the final two remaining after the tribal selection, will be going home immediately.

(The two tribes gasp.)

JERRI: Good, home is better than this s***hole.

JEFF: ...Jerri, if you hate it so much here, just leave.

JERRI: Make me.

JEFF: Okay.

(Jeff leans over to a man in a cowboy hat.)

JEFF: Mark Burnett, can I make her go home?

MARK BURNETT: No, not really.

JEFF: Crap. (Beat.) Anywhoo, let's get started. The twenty of you will each stand on one of these poles out here in the river. It's an endurance challenge. The final two will be tribe selectors. Let's get this started!

(Cut to the castaways standing on the poles. Rory looks down at his and notices his pole is painted black whereas the rest are painted white.)

RORY: Uh, guys...

MICHAEL: God, Rory, not more of this nonsense.

RORY: Guys, this is totally-

JERRI: Unfair? Yeah, I know it's unfair to make us stand on poles forever. Jerks.

RORY: ...No, racist. It's racist. Look at my pole!

RICHARD: Who'd wanna look at your pole? I'm looking at Rupert's.

COLLEEN: Yeah, who wouldn't?

RUPERT (Smugly): Yeah, who wouldn't?

MICHAEL: God, Rory, you're such a whiner!

(Vecepia falls off of her pole because she is sleeping. Bubbles emerge from the water.)

("67 DAYS LATER")

KATHY: ...Am I the only one who thinks it's kind of odd that none of us have starved to death yet?

CLAY: ...Ah'dgetnakedforappleslicesandmolasses!

KATHY: ...Yeah, so would I.

JEFF: (From the beach) You've got yourself a deal!

(Jeff whips out a plate of apple slices and steaming brown goo.)

JEFF: Delicious apple slices and molasses!

CLAY: Oooh!

(Creepy porn music plays as Kathy and Clay slip off their clothes in slow motion.)

COLBY (Hand over eyes): God, I'm not looking!

ROB (Staring wildly at Kathy): I AM! OOH, BOOBS!

CLAY: Ohyeahhootchiemamma!

(Clay dives off his perch, followed by Kathy. They sit on a bench eating happily on either side of Jeff.)

JEFF: ...I find this horrendously disturbing. I'm sitting on a bench with you two. And you're naked.

KATHY: Hey, we're all nature's people!

RORY: You go girl!

(Rory falls off his pole.)

RORY: ...I didn't mean to do that! It was strategic! Really!

("LATER...")

(Lex, Michael, Rupert, and Sandra are the only contestants left.)

LEX: Wow, Sandra, for someone that can't swim you sure are good at STANDING AROUND!

(Everybody laughs.)

SANDRA: Hey, you f***ing s***! Don't b***** me like that j****ing h***!

LEX: Hey! Don't get so defensive! I'll slit your throat and cut your hands and legs off and put you in a garbage bag!

COLBY (Shouting from the beach): It's true! He did it to me once!

JEFF: (Standing amongst the rest of the Survivors, who are all eating various food products that he tempted them down with earlier. Colleen is playing with a kitten) Alright, Survivors, I have another food offer for you!

LEX (Sighs): Not another one! We didn't fall for the corn dogs or the kitten so why would we fall for another one?!

COLLEEN (From the beach): Hey, it's a cute kitten you jerks!

(Colleen rubs the kitten against her face.)

JEFF: Here's the offer! (Holds out a plate with a knife and a lump of raw meat) This serrated knife and a pound of raw hamburger meat!

LEX: ...Wow, this is like Christmas and my birthday rolled up into one!

(Lex dives off the pole and swims to shore.)

SANDRA: Ha! Now I'm one step closer to winning you f***ing w****! Oh, s***!

(Sandra slips and falls, slamming her head violently on the pole and then landing in the water.)

JEFF: Alright, Rupert, Michael, you are now the tribe leaders!

RUPERT: YEAAAAARGH!

MICHAEL: Hoorah!

(They jump off their poles and swim to shore to stand next to Jeff.)

(Jeff hands Rupert a buff that clearly has a big picture of Rupert's face on it over and over again rather than a color.)

JEFF: Here's your buffs to hand out to your tribe mates Rupert. Your tribe is named "Rupert's Angels."

RUPERT: Boy, that sure is a silly tribe name!

JEFF: Sure is! Michael... (Handing him brown buffs that have flies buzzing around them.) Your tribe is named "The S*** Tribe."

MICHAEL (Completely flabbergasted): ...The S*** Tribe?

JEFF: Yes.

MICHAEL: For real?

JEFF: Yep.

(Beat.)

JEFF: Alright, let's get pickin'! And remember guys, the two people that aren't chosen in the end are effectively voted off. Rupert, you go first.

RUPERT: Sandra.

JEFF: Well, no s*** Sherlock. Pun intended.

MICHAEL: Hey!

(Sandra wanders over to Rupert all cheery and sassy-like.)

JEFF: Michael?

MICHAEL: Colby.

(Colby stops violently strangling Rory and joins Michael.)

RUPERT: Rudy. My man!

(Rudy joins Sandra and Rupert.)

MICHAEL: Kathy.

(Kathy skips over to Michael's tribe.)

RUPERT: Christy.

CHRISTY (Cupping hand to ear): WHAT?!

RUPERT: You're joining my tribe!

CHRISTY: WHAT?!

RUPERT: I picked you to be on my tribe!

CHRISTY: WHAT?!

RUPERT: GET OVER HERE!

CHRISTY: Oh... Okay. Sorry, I'm deaf.

MICHAEL: Lex.

(Cut to Lex using the raw beef as shaving cream and trying to shave his face with the serrated knife.)

LEX: Ooh, joy!

RUPERT: Eliza.

(Eliza skips over to Rupert.)

ELIZA: Thank you, oh holy one!

MICHAEL: Boston Rob.

ROB (To Amber): Ha ha! I got picked before you!

(He punches her point blank in the face, knocking her over and causing her to cry, and then joins Michael's tribe.)

RUPERT: Colleen!

COLLEEN: Yay! Can Pussy Willows come!?!

(She motions to the kitten.)

RUPERT (Turns to Jeff): Can he?

JEFF (Shrugging): Sure, why not?

COLLEEN: Hooray!

(Colleen bounds over to Rupert and hugs him. Pussy Willows plays in his hair.)

MICHAEL: Amber.

(Amber joins Michael.)

RUPERT: (Pointing in the vicinity of the rest of the contestants) Clay. (Moves his finger down a few inches to point at the top of his head.) There he is.

MICHAEL: Richard, I guess.

RICHARD: Boo yah!

RUPERT: Hmm...

(The final remaining castaways are Vecepia, Rory, Jerri, Jon, Lillian and Susan.)

RUPERT: ...Vee.

(Rupert walks over to the sleeping Vee and drags her to the rest of his tribe.)

MICHAEL: But they all suck so much! Do I have to pick somebody?

JEFF: Duh!

MICHAEL: Okay, okay. Rory.

(Rory wanders over to Michael.)

RUPERT (Sighs): ...Jerri.

(Jerri joins Rupert.)

JERRI: I hate you for picking me. You're awful for making me play such a lousy game! (To Jeff) By the way, how much does the first person voted off make?

JEFF: Well, in all-star editions they make twenty five grand.

JERRI: God, what a cruel and malicious game!

MICHAEL: And I pick...

(Dramatic music and then some.)

MICHAEL: ...JON!

(Jon puts his hands to his head in shock. Confetti rains from the sky and hands from off-screen hand him a tiara and some flowers as happy victory music plays. He walks over to Michael.)

(Susan looks on with a look of pure dejection while Lillian bawls her eyes out.)

JEFF: Okay, it's clearly obvious what happened here. Lillian wasn't chosen because she was a physical liability and Susan clearly was not chosen because she has sand in her vagina.

SUSAN: Hey! I resent that!

JEFF: But you don't deny it.

SUSAN: ...Fair enough.

JEFF: Okay, Susan, Lillian... the tribe has spoken. If you had torches I'd snuff them but instead I'm just going to make you... walk... over there... off camera.

SUSAN: ...That's lame.

JEFF: Yeah, I know, but that's all we got. Any last words for your fellow castaways? Lillian?

LILLIAN: You guys make me sad.

SOME GUY (OS): Dude, why the hell are you wearing a boy scouts' outfit?!

(Beat.)

JEFF: Susan?

SUSAN: Well, I didn't want to run my mouth off and spurt out some elaborate speech because that would only further typecast me as the redneck that says angry speeches. So no, I'm not going to say a long and angry speech, but I am going to criticize each and every one of you for havin' the balls to kick me the hell offa this island! I drive trucks for god sake! Have respect!

JEFF: Anything else?

SUSAN: No. Not at all. (Silence for a sec.) Oh my god! He just sexually harassed me!

JEFF: Who?

SUSAN: Michael! Michael just sexually harassed me!

JEFF: ...What?

SUSAN: He did! He rubbed his crotch all over me!

MICHAEL: No I didn't.

JEFF: No he didn't.

SUSAN: He was naked!

JEFF: Was not.

SUSAN: Was too!

JEFF: Was not.

SUSAN: Was too!

JEFF: Not.

SUSAN: Too. And I'm SCARRED FOREVER! I'm gonna SUE YOU for all your worth!

(Beat.)

JEFF: ...Susan, this is really getting old.

SUSAN: No, no! Seriously! I'm gonna sue you all for mental anguish! How dare you put me on a show where people fight and make each other feel bad? HOW DARE YOU?!

JERRI: You go girl!

JEFF: Sue, how bout we just slip you some money under the table like we did last time and-

SUSAN: No! No! It ends here! You're a rat and I'm a snake and you're a jerk! You molested me and I'm spent and used and molested and the island spirits should let the snake eat the rat!

(Smoke starts coming out of her ears.)

JON: ...Dude, she's totally on fire.

SUSAN: Snake... rat... rat... snake... naked Richard crotch naked Michael crotch sue you sue you sue you sue you Susan... Susan hawk... sue you... Susan Hawk is named Sue and Sue will sue you... Sue you hawk... snake rat hawk Sue sue you sue you snake Susan sue you rat snake Hawk!!!

(Her head explodes and pieces of metal fly everywhere.)

AMBER: Wow! She was a robot all along!

JERRI (Hit in the face with metal): ARRGH! MY EYE!

LEX: Cooool!

(Her eye is hanging out of her head but still attached.)

AMBER: Whoah! It's like hanging from her head!

JEFF: (Turning to Mark Burnett) Mark... Mark... what should I do?

MARK BURNETT: Uh... play it natural.

JEFF: Can do! (Turning to the castaways) OH MY GOD THIS IS CRAZY!

(Jeff starts screaming hysterically and then whips out a gun.)

ROB (Wetting himself): He's got a gun! RUN FOR THE SKIES!

(Everyone runs this way and that as Jeff starts firing at the castaways.)

MARK BURNETT: Crap. He's finally lost it.

LEX: Duck!

(Several castaways duck as bullets narrowly miss them.)

COLLEEN: Oh no!

(A bullet whizzes towards her, but in dramatic slow motion, Rupert dives in front of her and takes it square in the forehead. Then it goes back to fast motion and he takes eight more in the chest.)

JEFF: No! I didn’t…

(He goes over to Rupert’s body, cradling his head.)

JEFF: Oh dear lord, I did it! I killed Rupert! I have forsaken the oh great Blackbeard!

(Jeff turns the gun on himself, but instead of actually seeing the gruesome act (which would be tasteless even by our standards) instead we see a shadow of it happening over Mark Burnett as he looks on horrified. The gunshot echoes forever.)

LEX (As the dust clears and all is quiet): My god...

RICHARD: This is the worst day in Survivor history.

LILLIAN: Yeah... I... (Starting to cry.) Susan... Jeff... and now Rupert... god, how'll we survive?!

MICHAEL: What the hell are you talking about? We totally voted you out.

RICHARD: Yeah. Get the hell out of here.

LILLIAN: ...Aw, f*** you guys.

(Lillian wanders off into the darkness as ominous music plays.)

COLLEEN: Man, what're we ever gonna do without Rupert?

JERRI (Eye still hanging out): Yeah.

KATHY: He truly was a legend.

(Close shot of Rupert's corpse as dramatic music plays. Suddenly, an almost-invisible Rupert steps out of the empty shell of his body. Rupert's spirit smiles and observes his fellow castaways.)

RUPERT: Well... I guess the curtain has finally closed on my Survivor adventure. My, how I shall miss you all...

(He grows wings and floats up into the heavens as music that is somehow both sad and heroic at the same time plays. A choir of angels (all of home look like Rupert or female equivalents thereof) greet his entrance into the Pearly Gates, singing a heavenly ballad that consists entirely of "Roooopppperrrrrt". Rupert appears before God, a big giant man with a beard sitting on a throne.)

RUPERT: I have returned, my father. I am here to live for eternity in Heaven, where I shall truly be appreciated forever.

GOD: No, my son. You are far too beautiful to die.

(God bitch slaps Rupert back down to earth and his physical body coughs up blood.)

RUPERT: God damn I shouldn't have done that second rail of cocaine earlier!

ELIZA: Rupert, darling, you're alive!

RUPERT: Yeah! Good thing I wore this bullet proof vest all along!

(Rupert holds up a bullet proof vest.)

LEX: ...Weren't you naked?

(Beat.)

RUPERT: Good thing I wore this bullet proof vest all along. Good thing indeed.

KATHY: We love you Rupert!

(Everybody hugs Rupert.)

AMBER: Yeah, we were so scared when we thought we lost you, daddy Rupert!

JERRI (Close up on her as she talks almost directly to the camera, face still grotesquely scarred and eye still hanging out of her head.): I think I've learned something today, guys... You see... I guess I've realized that I'm far too brash in my approach to this game. I should realize that relationships with my fellow man are very important and that if I lose my friends, I lose them forever. I should stop acting like people put a gun to my head to play these games. The truth is... I love you people, and I just want to be near you! And that's really why I play Survivor game after Survivor game! My secret love for all of you! And that's what this game is all about... Compassion for your fellow man. I should have realized that from the beginning.

COLBY: Amen to that, you stupid ho.

MARK BURNETT (Stepping in and putting an arm around Colby and Jerri): Amen indeed! And now, the field is narrowed to eighteen brave adventurers! You may very well think of today as a baptism of fire, my beautiful Survivors! But if any of you have learned anything by now, it's that even after horrendous disasters, the game always, always moves on. And although our host is dead, one of our contestants turned out to be a robot, Rupert got shot and Jerri's eyeball looks really cool, tomorrow will still be another day. I wish you all luck.

MICHAEL: But what'll we do without Jeff?

SANDRA: Yeah, we, like, totally need a host.

MARK BURNETT: Oh, I'm sure I'll think of something.

(Lightning cracks in the background as he looks on malevolently. The camera pulls back wildly as it fades into darkness.)

MICHAEL (OS): What is going on?!

(Fade down.)

(Commercial Break.)

- - -
Rupert's Angels
Christy Smith, Clay Jordan, Colleen Haskell, Eliza Orlins, Jerri Manthey, Pussy Willows, Rudy Boesch, Rupert Boneham, Sandra Diaz-Twine, Vecepia Towery
- - -
The S*** Tribe
Amber Brkich, Colby Donaldson, Jon Dalton, Kathy Vavrick O’Brien, Lex van den Berghe, Michael Skupin, Richard Hatch, Rob Mariano, Rory Freeman
- - -

- - -
The S*** Tribe
- - -

(Night-visiony view again as the now nine members of The S*** Tribe walk into their boma. Richard makes a solid effort of putting the Tony Danza poster back up as it seems to have blown off.)

RICHARD (Confessional): I think it’s great that we’re in tribes again, it lets me work my magic. Unfortunately there’s nothing that I’d rank high on my list of poontang out here. Jon’s skin and bones, Colby’s Jeff’s plaything and the rest of the guys are breeders. Boston Rob, he’s definitely banga-

(A ROAR from the other side of the boma startles him.)

RORY: What the hell was that?

AMBER: Was it a lion?

(Beat.)

RORY: We’re in Australia.

AMBER: I know, was it a lion?

(Rory stares at her blankly for a moment before Michael runs up with a machete.)

MICHAEL: We must defend ourselves! Everyone, fill in the holes in the walls! Lex, Jon, go put Rory in the entrance!

RORY: But-

(Lex and Jon drag Rory off and begin to nail him into the entrance. Long drawn out sequence of everyone nailing boards over the holes in the boma. Michael lights a chair on fire and throws it over the wall for some reason.)

MICHAEL (Confessional): Rupert is a God, we all know that, but now that he is no longer on this tribe I can regain the dominant title again. HE has shown me the way and I WILL win this game! I shall smite all those who do not believe for me to be the chosen one, for I AM Survivor!

= = =
DAY THREE: THE QUICKENING
= = =

- - -
Rupert’s Angels
- - -

(Colleen, Eliza and the top of Clay’s head walk around on the river’s beach. They step over a sleeping Vecepia as they look blindly with binoculars.)

COLLEEN (Confessional, as Pussy Willows crawls all over her): After the challenge yesterday they sent us to this new camp. It was tough, we had to start over again and make ourselves a new society, but it’s such a great adventure and it’s good to know what our tribes are finally. We have Rupert, and we’re going to win it all, I can guarantee it! (Beat.) I think the queen ant impregnated me.

(Colleen drops her binoculars and turns to Eliza.)

COLLEEN: Can you see it?

ELIZA: No.

COLLEEN: Our water source has to be around here somewhere, they wouldn’t let us die, would they?

ELIZA: Only if you disobey the master.

CLAY: We’renexttothewatersourcerighthereitsafrickinriver
can’tyoupeoplegetitit’sariverandariverisfilledwithwater.

COLLEEN: What’d he say?

ELIZA: I don’t know, I keep feeding him crackers and hoping he’ll grant three wishes.

(She hands Clay a cracker, and he bounces off-screen.)

ELIZA: Our leprechaun is broken.

(They look upstream to see Rudy and Christy dredging the river with a net.)

COLLEEN: Have you found it?

(They pull the net up to reveal a shoe, three poorly painted tikis, a metal box with the word "FLINT" on the side and a cage that’s been ripped open with the words "AUSTRALIA GENETICS LABORATORY" across the top.)

RUDY: Nope.

VECEPIA (Confessional): (Vecepia continues sleeping, rolling over and readjusting her pillow made from a dead possum.)

(With a tremendous rushing of water, Rupert breaks from the surface like a whale, proudly holding a spear with twelve fish stuck to the end aloft. He lets out a triumphant Rupert Roar ©®™.)

COLLEEN: Rupert, have you seen our water source?

(Rupert looks to the ground and sighs heavily.)

RUPERT: No, I haven’t.

(Colleen looks on the verge of breaking up.)

COLLEEN: But, you’re Rupert.

RUPERT (looking to the ground): I know…

COLLEEN: It can’t be, you’re Rupert.

RUPERT (shaking off water from the river): I know, I just can’t find it, they hid it.

COLLEEN: YOU’VE RUINED ME! YOU’VE RUINED EVERYTHING I EVER KNEW! RUPERT KNOWS ALL AND SEES ALL! I F***ING HATE YOU, YOU DESTROYED ME!

(She storms off.)

(Beat.)

ELIZA: Who’d have seen that one coming?

(The camera zooms in on Rupert as he continues to look to the ground. A single tear rolls down his beard.)

RUPERT (Confessional): I couldn’t find the water supply, I’m such a failure. I feel so low, it’s like high school all over again when we were dunking that kids head in that toilet and he came back and wound up shooting all those people and he didn’t kill my algebra teacher and I failed that test. I feel so left out.

(He sighs.)

- - -
The S*** Tribe
- - -

(Kathy and Amber sit by the river washing dishes.)

KATHY: You so do have the biggest Survivor hooters, and don’t you be thinking otherwise.

AMBER: But haven’t you seen Richard’s? Those are like two watermelons inside a tube top.

KATHY: Yeah, but he probably has implants. I swear, he was rubbing them up against me last night

LEX: Does it seem sexist that I’m glad you two are washing dishes?

KATHY: No, not really, you men folk would just screw it up.

LEX: How about if I said I want to watch you two make out in a vat of butterscotch pudding? Would that be sexist?

(Beat.)

KATHY: Yes, horribly so.

LEX: OK. I’m going off with the other men to go kill small animals, you two finish the dishes and maybe we’ll let you have some chocolate and stockings.

(Lex goes on his merry way, whistling as he hops out.)

AMBER: That guy’s a freakin psycho.

KATHY: Yeah, probably, but he’s a really nice guy. Really smart too, I’m glad I’m on his tribe.

LEX (Confessional): Kathy’s one of the greatest people I know, she’s smart, articulate, a brilliant strategist and is someone I’d be proud to carve their name into my flesh. I don’t think I could have had a better friend out here. (Beat.) which is why it’s obviously the perfect strategic move to vote her out and vote her out now while there’s a perfectly obvious couple I could bust open but won’t.

(Back to Amber and Kathy.)

AMBER: Don’t you just hate how condescending they are towards us just because we’re women?

KATHY: Yeah, they don’t realize how tough we have it here.

(Kathy takes off her shoes and stretches out next to the water, braiding Amber’s hair. Amber stops washing a dish and begins to file her nails.)

KATHY: We’ve got the hardest job out here, and what are they doing?

(Cut to another part of the outback. Colby, Lex, Michael, Richard, Rob and Rory hunt a giant woolly mammoth with spears and primitive clubs. It roars at them, swiping Rory off his feet with its tusks and goring Richard. Michael jumps onto its back, stabbing it repeatedly with a spear. The mammoth grabs him with its trunk, repeatedly slamming his head into the ground. As Rob sneaks up from behind, the mammoth takes an explosive dump all over him, then kicks him into a pile of pointy rocks. Walking backwards, the mammoth sits on Rob as he screams in pain. Lex tries to attack, but the elephant kicks out with its front legs, grinding his skull into the ground. Jon sits off to the side curled up into a ball, rolling back and forth.)

(Back to Kathy and Amber.)

KATHY: …they’re probably out there sitting on their asses drinking beer laughing at us for doing all the hard work while they get to sit on their asses.

AMBER: We got it rough.

KATHY: You’re telling me.

(The men limp back to camp, all bloodied, crushed and trailing various internal organs. Richard collapses just in time to vomit blood.)

KATHY: See, they didn’t even bring us food.

(She throws a couple rocks at them.)

KATHY: What the f*** guys, you said you’d get us food! WHERE’S THE FOOD?!

AMBER (confessional): I really like Kathy, she’s what I’d like to be when I grow old, except, you know, not so saggy, and old, and smelling like a dead trout every time she uncrosses her legs.

(Cut to Lex walking with Rob and Amber to the Tree Mail box.)

LEX: See, my strategy to vote Kathy off makes perfect sense!

AMBER: Actually it makes no sense whatsoever. It’s needlessly complicated and makes no strategic sense.

LEX: I know! That’s why it’s so brilliant, we all vote out Kathy and that way she can’t win the game. That’s how this works, this is Survivor after all, take nothing personal.

ROB: Who else do you think we could get?

LEX: Everyone, duh! Once we explain the plan, the pure brilliance behind it will become evident and will snowball into this huge plan that everyone will want in on and even though it doesn’t look like I can swing the votes, that’s what I have you guys here for! See, that’s why I made this tattoo!

(Lowers his pants, causing Amber to scream. What isn’t blurred out clearly shows “I *@#%$* Romber”.)

AMBER: OK, we believe you, can you put that away please?

(Lex pulls up his pants.)

LEX: So it’s the three of us to the end?

(All three put their hands together.)

ROB (Confessional): Ah really think he must be off his rockah to try and pull this plan off with me. Does he think I was born yesterday? I’m the Survivor master, I could wipe the floor with him any day. I mean, didn’t he watch All-Stars?

LEX (Confessional): I’ve put too much trust in Rob, he must perish. Kathy’s a great friend and I can vote her out next time. Rob’s the godfather to my children... but he must die. If he thinks he can vote Kathy out in this game, I’m going to go out and slit his f***ing throat.

(They get to the tree mail box, pulling out a scroll. Amber pulls out a gimp mask afterwards with a note “To Colbster, from Probsty.”)

- - -
Rupert's Angels
- - -

(Sandra reads the tree mail scroll while Jerri is clearly wearing a ball gag with a similar note, “To Smelly Crotch, from Probsty.”)

SANDRA (Reading): “While you’re reading this we’re going through your homes and taking your valuables and pets. Get to Challenge Beach before we start having our way with your families.”

JERRI: (Mumbles incoherently from behind ball gag.)

(Beat.)

SOME GUY (OS): You suck!

ELIZA (Confessional): We may look like we’re a weak tribe since I’ve got stick arms and Colleen could stuff her fist through a key hole, but we have Rupert! He shall truly be our savior and bring us to victory!

RUPERT (Confessional): (Holds still for several seconds, looking at the camera and getting progressively intense.) BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! RUPERT SMASH!!!

- - -
Challenge Beach
- - -

(Both tribes walk in with their flags, Rupert’s Angels carrying one with a big shot of Rupert’s face, while The S*** Tribe’s flag is blurred out.)

JEFF: Come on in guys!

(The eighteen remaining castaways walk up to the host.)

JEFF: Welcome to your first immunity challenge!

(They all cheer.)

RUDY: Weren’t you dead?

(Beat.)

JEFF: No. Moving on to the challenge.

(Flash cuts of the various legs of the challenge, all being performed by overweight crew members with buffs that vaguely look like Star Trek uniforms.)

JEFF (VO): First off, you’ll all be tied and locked together since we know automatically that makes things fun. You’ll run to five stations and retrieve a set of keys that will unlock you from the binds. The first is your standard wall climb, then crossing a cargo net, then under a belly crawl, to a fire walk and then solving a simple crossword puzzle. Once you’re all unlocked, the first tribe to cross the finish line wins immunity. Now, this is what you’ll want to covet.

(He presents a dead wombat with flies buzzing around it.)

JEFF: Additionally, the winning tribe will receive a box of goodies which we’ll reveal after the challenge. Now, any questions?

(Jerri raises her hand, but Jeff looks the other way.)

JEFF: Any questions from anyone that matters?

(Jerri puts her hand down and sulks. Rory raises a hand.)

JEFF: Anyone? Anyone? All right, then let’s tie all of you up and get this mofo on the road!

(Various shots of Jeff tying up the castaways and locking them in. He zips up the mouth on Colby’s gimp mask.)

JEFF: Immunity, up for grabs. Survivors ready… GO!!!

(The tribes run off across the outback neck in neck, with Rupert dragging the rest of his tribe behind him. Reaching the wall, Rupert begins single-handedly throwing members of his tribe over the wall. Members of The S*** Tribe attempt to climb it one at a time with more success as they all get over sooner. They pull out their keys and separate into two groups. They run to the cargo net.)

(Throwing the last person over the wall, Rupert remains on the other side, desperately jumping for the top of the wall but not making it.)

COLLEEN: Rupert’s stuck!

SANDRA: We’re all gonna f***ing die!

CLAY: Welltharwecanallgopullandlifthimupoverthere
dontchathinkyaknow?

(After an awkward pause, Sandra smacks Clay upside the head.)

(The S*** tribe literally flies through the cargo net and belly crawl, stopping by the bed of hot coals. Everyone looks hesitant until Jon trips Michael and knocks him over onto the coals. He jumps on top of the charred man and jumps to the other side.)

JON: Come on bitches, let’s do this!

(One by one the remaining S*** Tribe members jump on the downed Michael, pushing him further into the coal.)

MICHAEL: I’d laugh at the irony if I couldn’t hear my nerve endings exploding in the heat. Owie.

(They drag Michael from the flames as they move on to the last station.)

(Rupert tries desperately to jump the wall, while the rest of his tribe does their best to drag him over the wall with their rope.)

(The S*** tribe runs to its last station.)

ROB: Come ahn guys, we’re almost der! Nothing can stawp us now!

("CBS BREAKING NEWS!")

ANNOUNCER: We now interrupt the premiere of "Super-Vivor!" for a breaking news story!

LOCAL ANCHOR: This just in, Ronald Reagan is still dead. An American tragedy.

CO-ANCHOR: An American tragedy indeed.

LOCAL ANCHOR: Truly a tragedy.

CO-ANCHOR: Indeed.

LOCAL ANCHOR: We’ll now give you back your regularly scheduled programming.

(Cuts back to the beach, Rupert and the rest of his tribe dances around the Immunity Idol as they surround themselves in a group hug. He collapses to his knees with a triumphant Rupert Roar ©®™.)

JEFF: Immunity, for Rupert’s Angels! S*** Tribe, well, at least you lived up to your name. Get the hell out of my sight, looking at you makes me want to vomit with disgust. I’ll see you tonight at Tribal Council. Oh, and before I forget!

(Jeff hands Colleen a big wooden box.)

JEFF: Here's your mystery box of surprises! It's filled with deadly pythons!

COLLEEN: Yay! Pythons! Pussy Willows loves pythons!

(Cue Ancient Voices. Standard slow motion shot of Rupert’s Angels dancing and celebrating while members of the S*** tribe look dejected. Clay moons them, while Jon does the two finger salute. Fade down.)

(Commercial break.)

- - -
Rupert's Angels
- - -

(The tribe merrily skips back to camp with their box of goodies.)

RUPERT (Confessional): Boy, it sure was great to win those pythons! I'm going to give them all names and love them and pet them and swallow them whole so they can be a part of the greatness that is Rupert! Oh, and winning Immunity was cool too.

(Back to the tribe walking to camp. They all whistle happily as Clay drags Jerri behind them, bound and gagged as usual. Christy is whistling completely out of tune.)

SANDRA: Dude, why the f*** are you whistling out of tune, Christy?

CHRISTY: I'm deaf.

SANDRA: Oh, don't gimme that s***! Just cause you're deaf doesn't mean you fricken stupid! Damn tone deaf c***

CHRISTY: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

SANDRA: Hey, don't get uppity at me! I CAN GET LOUD TOO!

CHRISTY: ...No, I mean, literally, what'd you say? I'm deaf.

SANDRA: Oh, right.

(Colleen trips and drops their box of pythons down a bottomless chasm.)

COLLEN: Oh no! Our pythons!

(Rupert smacks her in the head.)

RUPERT: Dear god! How will we survive without them?! You silly woman!

ELIZA (Confessional): When Colleen dropped our box of pythons down that chasm I was miserable. We worked so hard to earn those poisonous pythons. What're we gonna do without them? We'll never be able to boil the water!

RUPERT: My god, this is just like that time that guy with the phonetically spelled name lost my fishing pointy thing! Looks like it's time for a RUPERT RESCUE MISSION!

(Dramatic music sting.)

- - -
The S*** Tribe
- - -

(The tribe dejectedly returns to camp.)

RICHARD (Stripping off his clothes): Man, that was miserable! Now who wants to talk strategy with me?

(Zoom out, everyone has ran away.)

RICHARD (Sighing): Damn it, why does that always happen every time I inappropriately remove all my clothes?

LEX (Confessional): That challenge really opened my eyes as to who was playing and who wasn't around here. To me, it proved that even though Colby is a really good friend, he has to go because physically he's stronger than anyone. And everybody knows that voting off the physical presences in your tribe as early as possible in the game is the smartest strategic move! I mean, duh!

(Cut to Lex with Amber and Rob.)

LEX: So that's why we have to vote off my best friend Colby!

AMBER: ...That's retarded.

ROB: Yeah, do you WANT to lose every challenge?

AMBER: And besides, I thought you wanted to vote off your other best friend, Kathy.

LEX: Actually, right now I'm leaning towards my best friend Rob.

ROB: ...What?

LEX: I mean, Colby. I'm voting out my best friend Colby. Or maybe Ethan. Can we vote out Ethan even though we're really good friends? He's too physical to be on the same tribe as me.

ROB: He ain't in this game.

LEX: Oh. Well. He's my best friend.

(Beat.)

LEX: So we're voting out my best friend Colby, right?

AMBER: Apparently.

LEX: Good. Afterwards can we slit his throat?

ROB: Sure.

LEX: Great. And then next Tribal Council we can vote out all my other friends, okay? MAN, I'M A STRATEGIC GENIUS!

(He skips off.)

ROB: How the HELL did he make third place that one time?

AMBER: No idea.

ROB: And on that note, how the f*** did you WIN All-Star Survivor?

AMBER: I'm a strategic mastermind.

(Beat.)

AMBER: Well... I am whenever you and Jerri tell me what to do.

ROB: Good point.

JON (Confessional): Going to Tribal Council definitely eats balls, but I think I'll stick around a lot longer because I'm really funny and people like my silly jokes.

(Cut to Jon talking with Michael and Kathy.)

JON: Hey, guys, I have a funny joke! What's green and invisible?

KATHY: I don't know, what?

JON (Holds out an empty hand): THIS CABBAGE! BA HA HA!

MICHAEL: They, that isn't that bad.

JON: How bout this one? How does an elephant ask for a danish?

KATHY: How?

JON (Holding out an arm to resemble a trunk while doing an elephant voice): Please bring me a danish!

(Kathy and Michael laugh.)

KATHY: That's good!

JON: How bout this one? What do you get when you slice a dead baby with a razor blade?

(Beat.)

JON: A boner! BA HA HA!

(Silence. Crickets chirp.)

KATHY: I have to go do some chores.

(She sneaks off.)

MICHAEL: Yeah, there's a fire over there I think I'll go fall into.

(He follows.)

MICHAEL (Confessional): This is a really tricky Tribal Council because there're quite a few vulnerable people. Jon's an obnoxious idiot and we all know what he's capable of, Richard's a no-brainer for early boot, Lex is just plain psycho, (as he continues, he paints his face with blood), and let's not forget Rory. He's a big jerkface. Whatever happens happens I guess. I WILL RULE THEM ALL!

(The tribe gathers their stuff for Tribal Council and then get into a jeep to drive them there. Halfway there it drops them off at a rugged piece of land to film them and make it look like they walked the whole distance.)

- - -
Tribal Council
- - -

(The nine members of The S*** Tribe walk into Tribal Council. This Tribal Council, like every other, is something made to strongly represent its culture. In this case, a burned down Australian pub. One by one they ring a bell by the door before taking barstools in front of Jeff as a large trashcan fire burns in front of them.)

JEFF PROBST: Welcome S*** to your first tribal council. This Tribal Council represents Australia's rich heritage of being full of drunk destructive bastards. Behind each of you is a torch and yadda yadda yadda, fire represents life, if you didn’t know the spiel you wouldn’t be here. Light your damn torches.

(They all do so as Jeff looks on extremely bored.)

JEFF: So, in short, you guys sucked ass. I mean, I’ve seen some ass sucking before, but this, you guys brought it to a whole new level of suckiness. Amber, why do you think you guys suck so badly?

AMBER: I don’t think we suck. I don’t think any of us suck, I think we’re all great and wonderful people.

(Beat.)

ROB: Ya do suck though.

AMBER: I do not!

ROB: Yeah ya do, like last night when you wer-

(Kathy pulls Rob over and whispers into his ear. As a look of recognition crosses his face, he just lets out his goofy grin.)

ROB: Wrong sucking, mah bad.

JEFF: Anyhow, Lex, what do you think you’re going to base your vote on tonight?

LEX: Well, I have to say that this one is going to be a tough one for me. All of these people are good friends of mine, but we came out here knowing what was going to happen, if I have friends then I’ll vote them out.

JEFF: That makes no sense whatsoever.

LEX: Well if you really think about it-

JEFF: No, it really does make no sense. If you were just to open your f***ing eyes you’d be able to win this thing instead of getting your ass kicked out every time. Kathy, what do you think about that?

KATHY: I have to go potty.

JEFF: Eloquent as ever. How about Jonny Fairplay, any comments from the peanut gallery?

(Jon just flashes his gang signs.)

JON: I’m smart. And funny, which means no one’s going to vote me out despite the fact that I’m a real jackass and a strategic mastermind rivaled only by that dumbass from Boston over there.

JEFF: Well said, Michael, do you agree with that?

MICHAEL: Yeah, Jon is funny.

(Beat.)

JEFF: So, Richard, being the only past winner on this tribe that matters, how are you feeling your chances are tonight? And, as a corollary, would you please stop rubbing Colby’s thigh?

(Richard removes his hand from Colby’s lap.)

RICHARD: I’m the greatest Survivor mankind has known, what do I have to worry about? I’ve got more money hidden away than any of you could ever hope to look at in your entire life and no one will ever, EVER know about it. Ever.

(Awkward pause.)

JEFF: Well, on that enlightening note, go vote someone out.

(The nine members of The S*** Tribe just sit there dumbfounded.)

JEFF: What, you expect instructions? You want me to hold your hand? Just get up and vote! You know how to do it. DO IT NOW!

(Like that, Amber gets up and votes. Rob comes up after her, scrawling out "LEX" in big letters.)

ROB: You really are stupid, you know that?

(Rory comes up and votes for Colby.)

RORY: Cracker.

(Colby comes up in his "pajamas" and votes for Rory.)

COLBY: *ethnic slur bleeped out*

(Kathy comes up practically bawling her eyes out. Looking to the scroll, she writes out ROB.)

KATHY: Rob, you’re a great friend, and I just... I know you're plotting to vote out Lex... I get it, I get it, I really get it. I get it, I get it, I get it, I get it, I get it. I get it. Really, I do. I get it. I really get it. I just have to vote for you because I cherish my friendship with Lex even more, while you’re a friend, I just... like Lex more than you. See you at your divorce party.

(Jon comes up, flashing his gang signs, then voting. Michael votes for Rob as well, though we don’t see his comments. Richard comes up next, writing out STACEY in big letters.)

RICHARD: Not quite sure why. Subtle reasons. Reasons I can't really explain.

(As he folds it up and places it in the urn, we flash over the ocean to San Francisco where Stacey is in the middle of a serious S&M session with some random guy tied up against the wall. Holding her hands to her forehead, she wails out.)

STACEY: IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(Cut back to The S*** Tribe.)

AMBER: Anyone else hear that?

(Last to vote, Lex walks up.)

LEX: I’ve thought long and hard about this, and have come up with the perfectly logical vote.

(He votes for Michael.)

LEX: You’re strong, you’re an excellent leader and someone I respect implicitly. Clearly, you must go.

(He goes back to his seat.)

JEFF: All right, I’m going to go grab the votes and order them in such a way that it’ll make it seem dramatic when anyone who’s been watching will know that it’s really a foregone conclusion as to where tonight is going. Seriously, if it’s not obvious to you now, particularly those of you out in the audience watching this RIGHT NOW, you clearly have a learning disability.

(Mark Burnett comes up behind Jeff and whispers in his ear.)

JEFF: I’ve just been told to stop insulting our viewers and I’m sorry, we love you, please continue watching and we’ll give you all money! Swear! We’ll give you ten dollars, five acres and a mule if you keep watching!

RORY: Hey!

JEFF: Quiet you! All right, I’ll go and tally the votes.

(He does so while all the castaways look nervous as ever. Rob looks on with his goofy grin while Jon flashes his gang signs as the camera passes by. Jeff comes back in no time.)

JEFF: You know the score, person with the most votes leaves the Tribal Council area immediately where they will be treated to a life of luxury and an all-expenses paid vacation courtesy of the producers, while the rest of you will try to scavenge whatever food you can scrape from the inside of a koala’s ass. First vote, "Stacey."

STACEY (OS, very faint): Noooooooooooooooooooo!

JEFF: Second vote, "Colby."

(Rory chuckles.)

JEFF: "Rory."

(Colby chuckles and high-fives Michael.)

JEFF: "Michael." Next vote, "Rob." Ok, that’s five people with one vote each. Seriously guys, form alliances, make my life easier. Next vote, "Lex."

(Lex looks utterly shocked.)

JEFF: Next vote, "Rob." "Lex." That’s two votes Lex, two votes Rob, and a bunch of other votes that are pretty much insignificant right now.

(Lex looks completely shocked that anyone would dare write down his name, while Rob just gives off his usual dopey grin.)

JEFF: And the first person not to be the Super-Vivor, discounting the two who got shown the door yesterday… "Lex."

(Lex is in complete shock, while Kathy bawls her eyes out.)

LEX: I can’t believe you would do this to me! We said at the front door we’d be separating friendships from the game! I never betrayed anyone, I always kept you guys close to my @#%$, see?!?!?

(He shows off a tattoo on his chest that says "You Guys." He goes up to Jeff and presents his torch.)

JEFF: Lex, the tribe has spoken.

(He pulls out a small can of Australian beer (roughly the size of a Big Gulp), and empties it on top of Lex’s torch.)

JEFF: Now get the hell out of my Tribal Council.

(As Lex turns to go, Jeff kicks him in the ass, sending him down a flight of stairs that leads to the Tribal Council exit. Happy music plays in the background as we get back to Jeff.)

JEFF: Well, that was interesting, tribe divided, interesting dynamics, only the first three days, pull yourself together, you’re a mess, it’ll only get harder and some other Tribal Council clichés. I’ll see you all tomorrow.

(The S*** Tribe files out in a single file with their torches. Lex walks away solemnly, flipping the bird on his way out. As the tribe walks away into the darkness, credits are super-imposed on the screen:)

A Lapointe-Carter Joint
Proud to be almost as juvenile as the show we're making fun of!

= = =
LEX’S FINAL WORDS
= = =

LEX: I think I bumped things up a notch as far as playing a hardcore game. I made a pretty big effort coming into this thing to play it harder, I broke the biggest promise I made to myself coming into this thing: I mixed friendship with the game. The two cannot mix together; they don't go together. As soon as you try to work it out both ways, as soon as you allow a little too much compassion to show through, as soon as the friendship and game lines blur, you're setting yourself up for disaster. It's what happened to me. I loved everyone so much and was so nice to anyone and never ever betrayed anyone... and... and... MY FRIENDS betrayed me! Why would they do that?! Don't they understand friendship transcends this game?! What a bunch of jerks! I'm going to cut their f***ing heads off and play in their blood! The first time around was an exquisite adventure; it was the trip of a lifetime; it was like nothing I'd ever experienced. The second time around, it was business, and I feel like I did pretty good business until my FRIENDS betrayed me for no reason! Grr! Third time around, well, I really don’t know how that happened, I was really wasted at the time, but, hey, it’s better than a day job, right?

= = =
NEXT TIME, ON SUPER-VIVOR!
= = =

(Big sweeping shot of the Australian Outback.)

JEFF (VO): Rupert’s Angels try to recover their lost box of pythons!

(Sandra, Eliza and Rudy look down a chasm.)

ELIZA: Are they down there?

SANDRA: Only one way to find out.

(Sandra and Rudy look to one another. Rudy nods, and pushes Eliza screaming into the chasm.)

JEFF (VO): The S*** Tribe has to deal with the wrath of god.

(A plague of locusts descends upon the The S*** Tribe's camp. Colby levitates above the ground spewing green goo while Richard walks around on the ground like a spider. Michael stands amidst them holding a bible in the air as fire rains from the sky around him.)

MICHAEL: THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!

JEFF (VO): Cracks form in the united Rupert’s Angels.

(Colleen storms into the boma holding Pussy Willows.)

COLLEEN: Who did this? Who did this to my kitty?!

(She throws the cat to the ground.)

JERRI: It was just a joke!

(Cut to a picture of a long table with several covered platters on it.)

JEFF (VO): And the most disgustingest gross food challenge yet!

(Jeff uncovers one platter as the castaways look on horrified.)

JEFF: Fear Factor, eat your @#%$ out.

(Boston Rob turns away from the camera and vomits, and vomits, and vomits, and, well, continues to vomit for about four solid minutes as the camera chooses to linger on him for some reason. However, since CBS policy prevents vomit from actually being shown on air, they digitally superimpose flowers and Rupert’s face over it, and by the end the Super-Vivor logo comes flying from Boston Rob’s mouth.)

JEFF: SUPER-VIVOR! Wednesdays at 8!