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Matt here,

On sheer principle we refuse to make Clay's lines shorter, since, well, he's a redneck. However, we're adding in extra hard returns. Enjoy!

And, yeah, sorry about the fetus.

= = =
SUPER-VIVOR!
EPISODE FOUR
THE ONE WITH THE FILM CREW
= = =

= = =
(Authors Note: Any and all references/anecdotes about the castaways and their lives outside of the game, as well as the depictions of the castaways herein, as well as any references/anecdotes to their previous "Survivor" experiences are all purely fictitious and based around stereotypes from the show. We also apologize ahead of time to the people of the nation of Australia since, well, you’ll find out when it happens. This is entirely fictitious and meant for entertainment purposes solely. Also, some material in this story may be extremely offensive to people of different genders, races, disabilities and sexual preferences. Marcy and Matt (the authors, Marcy being a big gay Canadian and Matt being a tree-hugging liberal pussy) love everybody equally so no harm is meant. If any Survivors actually happen to read this story, please don’t kill us or sue us. We love you all, and this is all just meant in good fun.)
= = =

- - -
Rupert's Angels
Christy Smith, Clay Jordan, Colleen Haskell, Jerri Manthey, Pussy Willows, Rudy Boesch, Rupert Boneham, Sandra Diaz-Twine
- - -
The S*** Tribe
Amber Brkich, Jon Dalton, Kathy Vavrick O’Brien, Michael Skupin, Richard Hatch, Rob Mariano, Rory Freeman
- - -

(Dramatic Ancient Voices music kicks in as we get some images of Australia. Crocodiles looking angry. Snakes swimming in the river. Wombats fighting. Big Tom dancing merrily.)

"20 ALL-STARS"

COLLEEN, behind a bunch of flies. Rob Schneider looks on in the background and smiles.

RUPERT, breaking through the ocean like Poseidon, god of the seas. A huge trumpet fanfare greets him as he jumps out of the water.

JERRI, a picture of Linda Blair from the Exorcist.

JON, running by and flashing his gang signs.

(Shot of people jumping off a cliff for some reason. They pile up in a bloody heap on the ground as dramatic music accentuates the shot.)

CLAY, showing a picture of the top of his head. Fades into view of him in a challenge, where we only see his forehead bobbing up and down.

CHRISTY, the music gets real loud as Christy’s picture crosses the screen. "(CLOSED CAPTIONED FOR THE HEARING IMPAIRED.)"

RORY, a shot of LeVar Burton getting whipped in Roots.

RUDY, looking very old.

LILLIAN, looking older. She cries.

VECEPIA, sitting in a hammock. She yawns.

(Shot of a platypus just sitting there. More of Big Tom dancing.)

"A WHOLE LOTTA DAYS"

KATHY, squatting on the ground.

LEX, carving tattoos into his knuckles with the top of a tin can.

SANDRA, looking angry and shouting.

MICHAEL, a picture of the Human Torch.

ROB, beating his grandmother with a tire iron. He giggles.

SUSAN, looking angry and shouting. A banjo riff goes off in the music as her picture fades in and out.

(A shot of the production camp littered with empty beer cans.)

ELIZA, looking particularly bony with her mouth open like a large-mouthed bass.

COLBY, grating cheese on his abs.

RICHARD, grating cheese on Colby’s abs.

AMBER, just a long holding shot on her picture that fades in and out as if it’s particularly important.

RUPERT, now framed to look like Zeus, because we just can’t get enough of him.

(A shot of people digging a hole for some reason.)

ONE SUPER-VIVOR!

(A bunch of people covered in mud walking to Tribal Council.)

(Lots of swirling shots of fire, people and Tribal Council as the SUPER-VIVOR! logo comes up.)

(Quick shot of Boris Yeltsin in Elisabeth’s headdress. Foreshadowing?!?!?)

= = =
NIGHT NINE
= = =

- - -
The S*** Tribe
- - -

(The seven remaining members of The S*** Tribe return to their camp, torches in tow. They start stoking up the fire and bickering like Survivors always do after Tribal Council.)

KATHY: Colby was such a nice guy! Why'd you vote him out?!

ROB: He was too much of a threat, woman. Cut his ties with too many people.

AMBER: Yes. What Rob said.

KATHY: Well that's just fine and dandy but I just don't see a good reason.

ROB (As he bench presses Richard): We have to get the strong people out, because they'll beat us in all of the challenges. Physically he was far too strong.

AMBER: Yeah, what Rob said.

MICHAEL: I have no opinion.

KATHY: Oh, shut up, Mr. Immunity!

MICHAEL (Confessional): I think Kathy took that Tribal Council really hard last night. She was kind of close with Colby, heck, we all were, but Kathy was the most insulted by it. Maybe it was because she considered herself a mother figure to him. That would probly explain why they had sex in the back of that truck. (He shrugs) I think the worst thing about the Tribal Council is that it kind of outed me as the leader of this tribe. When Rupert gave me Immunity, it definitely screwed my strategy a little bit and put my head on the chopping block. So, obviously, the only reason to make sure I definitely do not get voted off is to do the following things: Catch lots of fish, be detrimental in challenges, be overbearing, be too much of a physical threat, insult my fellow castaways, get injured, strategize openly with everyone and try to straddle every side of the fence, flip flop on my alliance and be completely obvious about it, be loud and arrogant, talk about my severe right wing politics, vote out someone from my own majority alliance, flaunt my minority alliance’s power, be cocky about my prospects for making the final four, throw a physical challenge to vote out a member perceived as weak, make sure my tribe is underfed, form an alliance of elders when we need younger people to win challenges, call everybody else on the strategies that they're using, lie down in the shelter and cry and moan... Oh, and burn the camp down. It's a flawless strategy!

= = =
DAY TEN
= = =

- - -
Rupert's Angels
- - -

(Establishing shot of the Rupert's Angel's flag, which, rather than the Survivor logo, has a big grinning picture of Rupert's face, with "SUPER-VIVOR!" painted across his teeth and "RUPERT'S ANGELS!!!" written underneath and underlined twice.)

(Crocodiles chomp at one another in the river as the Rupert's Angels tribe lounges about their shelter, doing menial tasks, reading Stephen King, and napping. Their shelter is clearly the exact same "log cabin" structure that Rupert built during "Survivor: All-Stars.")

RUPERT: Man, look at that sun! It's gorgeous!

SANDRA: Sure is!

RUDY: Yep!

COLLEEN (Giving Clay a backrub): Man I love you guys!

RUPERT (Confessional): Lately we've been riding high out here in the Australian Outback. Winning challenge after challenge... except the ones we lose... and all in all I'd say we are definitely the love tribe out here.

CLAY: Yallknowidbetickledpinkifanyoneofyallsonethisdamndarnsurvivorgame!

COLLEEN: Yeah, I love you guys!

SANDRA: Yeah, I don't think I've ever f***ing gotten along with a group of people better than I've gotten along with you guys. F***.

RUPERT: Definitely. I love all you guys like family and I guarantee we'll be friends after this game is over. Don't you agree, Jerri?

JERRI: ...Sure.

JERRI (confessional): My god, do these people actually know who I am?

PUSSY WILLOWS (Confessional, complete with "PUSSY WILLOWS - CAT, RUPERT'S ANGELS TRIBE" written in the corner of the screen): Mew.

(Sandra, Colleen and Jerri drag palm fronds through the forest.)

SANDRA: Man, we really have to bulk up that f***ing shelter, g***!

JERRI: Yeah, that log cabin's a pain in the ass. Literally. And it's ALWAYS leaking on us.

SANDRA: And what's up with that stump in the middle?

COLLEEN: I think it's cute!

(Jerri backhands her.)

JERRI: Well, let's get this show on the road!

(Montage of all of the Rupert's Angels members working hard to build a crazy new shelter. Christy hammers some nails while Sandra weaves palm fronds. Colleen and Jerri work together to weave rope and twine through the roof structure while Rudy uses the top of Clay’s head as a leaning post while he takes a break. Rupert saws wood and Pussy Willows pitter patters up to the shelter all cute-like with a little piece of wood in his mouth and drops it at Rupert's feet.)

RUPERT: Aww, of course I'll put this in our shelter, Pussy Willows!

(Cut to a shot of the completed shelter, looking fantastic. The tribe stands in a group, all of them smiling and comfortable, some leaning against others, Colleen and Rupert with a friendly hug.)

COLLEEN: Boy, that shelter looks great!

JERRI: Sure does!

RUPERT: Mentally, we've got it. Physically, we've got it. We're fine for food, and now we have a great shelter. We've got this game in the bag, guys!

RUDY: Yep.

RUPERT (Confessional): Lately we've all been steamrolling along like no tomorrow. This game is filled with the highest highs and the lowest lows you can imagine, and right now I don't think I've ever been higher, except for that time I did six tabs of E and chased them with a quart of vodka and then did a few rails of cocaine for good measure. But this high, it's more of a figurative high... I've never felt better, and my team will definitely, DEFINITELY, win this game. I don't think anything can go wrong. Nope, nothing, nothing at all, can go wrong. Nothing at all... You aren't going to cut to something going wrong that leads to our undoing now, are you? I hope not, because I don't think anything can possibly go wrong. Nothing at all. Nothing. At all. Will go wrong. Except maybe-

- - -
Los Angeles
- - -

(Fast paced tribal drumbeats introduce us to New York, as lots of quick cuts show us all the craziness of America's craziest city. Or, at least, the craziest city according to the "LOS ANGELES, AMERICA'S CRAZIEST CITY" super-impose at the corner of the screen. The Hollywood sign, hot chicks in bikinis, the Tajma Hall and the Giant Statue of Rupert are all showcased.)

(Ext. Giant Skyscraper. Establishing shot. The NBC logo is on top of it.)

(Cut to the inside of the skyscraper. An important man in a suit walks through the lobby.)

IMPORTANT MAN IN SUIT (IMIS): Important man in a suit coming through!

(He pushes a woman carrying some papers over and she falls violently to the ground, knocking papers every which way.)

IMIS: I'm very important! Please leave me be!

(He grabs a UPS guy by the scruff of the neck and tosses him into a wall. He approaches a desk where a receptionist sits and removes his wallet, flashing his drivers license, which clearly reads "IMPORTANT MAN IN SUIT.")

IMIS: Why hello there, receptionist, I am an important man in a suit. I have come to see the executive producer of Friends.

RECEPTIONIST: Mia Kershner?

IMIS: No, no, the fictitious executive producer of friends.

RECEPTIONIST: Oh, Johnny Thunder! Yes! Let me check.

(She whips out a rolodex and flips through it.)

RECEPTIONIST: You're not on the schedule for today.

IMIS: That's okay. For I am an important man in a suit.

RECEPTIONIST: Sorry, I can't let you through.

IMIS: Good for you.

(He walks past her and boards an elevator.)

(Cut to the inside of the elevator, a man in an usher suit is standing next to Imis.)

IMIS: Why hello there, I am an important man in a suit.

(The usher tries to ignore him.)

IMIS: You know I... well... I do very important things.

(Silence.)

IMIS: It's true, I do.

(Silence.)

IMIS: I do some things that are very important.

(Silence.)

IMIS: Very important things.

(Ding!)

IMIS: Boy, that sounds like my floor! I have important things to do on this floor for I am an important man in a suit!

(He gets off and walks past a bunch of cubicles where people are working.)

IMIS: Important man in a suit coming through! Yes, yes, I know, you're all tempted to stop your work to look at me in all of my important revelry, but don't be tempted by my good looks! Just because I am a rugged icon of masculinity does not mean you have reason enough to avoid work! Go about your business, my fellow men!

(He approaches a woman that's leaning over a photocopying machine.)

IMIS: Why hello there, attractive female.

WOMAN: Excuse me?

IMIS: I see you are clearly aroused by my importance. Would you like my phone number? Perhaps we can go on a date! I am an attractive, well dressed, well spoken, and... shall we say? ...IMPORTANT... person. Perhaps we should have sex?

(The woman stares at him gape-mouthed.)

IMIS: Oh, oh, I see! I see! I understand. Don't worry about it.

(She continues to stare.)

IMIS: You are clearly a lesbian. Go about your business, I have important affairs I must get to.

(He approaches a door with "JOHNNY THUNDER" written on the window.)

IMIS: Ah, here it is! The fellow I must visit!

(He opens the door. There's a fat guy sitting behind a desk, wearing sunglasses although it's clearly the middle of the day. A blonde female head can clearly be seen bobbing up and down really quickly behind the desk.)

IMIS: Why, hello there- OH! OH GOD!

JOHNNY THUNDER: No, no, no, don't pay attention to her- HEY, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!

IMIS: I am an important man in a suit! I have an appointment with you!

JOHNNY THUNDER: ...No you don't.

IMIS: How about... NOW?

(He flashes his winning smile. A "Ding!" is heard as a computer enhanced sparkle appears on his perfect white teeth.)

JOHNNY THUNDER: I... why... yes... yes... sit down if you may. Tell me why you are here.

(The blonde woman's head pops up. She wipes her mouth with one hand.)

WOMAN: I've finished polishing your knob sir!

JOHNNY THUNDER: Why thank you, Veronica!

(She holds up a little drawer with a shiny golden knob.)

VERONICA: See? See how shiny it is?!

JOHNNY THUNDER: That's great, Veronica. Now, can you put that drawer back in my desk and leave?

VERONICA: Can do!

(A thunking noise is heard as she slides the drawer back in. She stands up and skankily walks out of the room.)

JOHNNY THUNDER: That's Veronica. I've hired her for desk maintenance.

IMIS: Ah, I see.

JOHNNY THUNDER: Now why the hell are you here?

IMIS: I've come here with a very important proposal, sir... Your television program, "Joey," it's tanking, right?

JOHNNY THUNDER: Sure is.

IMIS: And so is "The Apprentice," right?

JOHNNY THUNDER: Yep.

IMIS: Well, what your network needs is something NEW! Something FRESH! Something EXCITING!

JOHNNY THUNDER: Oooh!

IMIS: ...Or we could just go for the easy cash grab and make a Friends movie.

JOHNNY THUNDER: Yes. Let's do that.

(Johnny Thunder puts a briefcase on the desk and opens it to reveal it's filled with money.)

IMIS: Then it's settled. Friends: The Movie will begin production immediately. And we'll split the profits fifty-fifty because it was my idea. And I'm important.

JOHNNY THUNDER: Yes! And NBC SHALL RULE THE WORLD! ALL CBS SHOWS WILL BE CANCELLED! BA HA HA!

(They laugh maniacally as dramatic music plays in the background.)

JOHNNY THUNDER: ESPECIALLY THAT AWFUL SURVIVOR!

(They laugh maniacally some more.)

IMIS: And their new spinoff, Super-Vivor!, right?

JOHNNY THUNDER: Nah, they can keep that, it's far too bad to be cancelled.

IMIS: Yeah. I saw an episode of that the other day and I swear I'd rather remove my eyes with a melon-baller and then eat them rather than watch another episode.

JOHNNY THUNDER: Yeah. It's s***t.

(Beat.)

IMIS: God I'm important!

JOHNNY THUNDER: So, where are we gonna film this movie? Wherever it is, be sure to flash-burn five hundred acres. We need room for the apartment set. What god-forsaken backwater sacrilegious hell hole with no labor laws, building codes or reading requirement to graduate from secondary school can we possibly choose for this movie?

- - -
Australia
- - -

("AUSTRALIA" is written at the bottom of the screen in the usual Survivor type. Various nature shots of dingos and kangaroos etcetera.)

- - -
Rupert's Angels
- - -

(Cut to Jerri, standing next to the Rupert's Angels shelter. She shudders violently.)

JERRI: Ugggh.

RUPERT: ...What was that?

JERRI: My spider sense is tingling.

(Commercial break.)

- - -
The S*** Tribe
- - -

(Jon and Amber skip merrily to the Tree Mail box, holding hands.)

AMBER: I hope there's chocolate and wine and cookies in our Tree Mail clue!

JON: I hope you stop being such a stupid c***!

(They stop in front of a tree and look up.)

JON: Hey, Mark Burnett, why are you sitting up there in that tree?

(Zoom up to show a familiar man in a cowboy hat, sitting high up in an apple tree, munching on an apple while wailing and crying a lot.)

MARK BURNETT: I... I... OH, IT'S TOO TERRIBLE TO SPEAK OF!

AMBER: What's wrong, Markie?

MARK BURNETT: I'm afraid our show might be cancelled!

AMBER: WHAT?!

JON: WHAT?!

MARK BURNETT: I just got word that a film crew from NBC is on their way to the Australian Outback to film the Friends movie! If they interrupt our daily lives the show might be ruined beyond reparation! They could gut the CBS network as we know it with their overwhelming success!

JON: A film crew from NBC?

AMBER: My god! How're we supposed to interact with each other naturally with a film crew around?

(Zoom out, there are two camera men and boom mike men hovering around Amber and Jon, while two field producers off in a corner take notes and another producer on the other side of the screen watches on while scratching his chin. Zoom back in to the usual stuff.)

JON: Yeah, with these strangers potentially watching our every move, how will the show survive?

MARK BURNETT: Exactly! Unless you people act really crazy and get us lots of ratings, we're doomed. That's why I'm up in this tree. I've decided to hell with humanity! I'm going to live with the squirrels and the bumblebees.

JON: Act crazy, eh? Hmm...

AMBER: Uh oh, looks like Jon's plotting one of his crazy schemes!

JON: I sure am... you know, I think I have just the ticket to make this show interesting enough to get gigantic ratings...

MARK BURNETT: You do?

JON: Oh yes! Just wait till the Reward Challenge! I'll make this show so CRAZY everyone'll be all "S***! This show's KAH-RAZY!"

AMBER: Hooray for Jonny Fairplay!

JON: OH YEAH! And there's one thing I can promise! (Flashing his gang signs.) I WON'T PLAY FAIR, BEE-YATCH!

(Silence.)

AMBER: You're a virgin, aren't you?

JON: What?

AMBER: You're totally a virgin.

- - -
Challenge Beach
- - -

(The two tribes approach Jeff Probst from opposite sides of the beach.)

JEFF: Welcome, tribes, to your next Reward Challenge. Now, think about it, what is it you guys would like to play for more than anything else?

(Silence.)

JERRI: Fame?

RUPERT: Yeah, totally fame.

ROB: Yeah, put us in the movies!

JEFF: ...You guys are f***ing stupid. You'll never be famous. You're f***ing idiots. LOOK, HERE'S YOUR FAMILY!

(From behind the bushes, some chick walks into view with her arms outstretched.)

JEFF: Rupert, look, it's your wife!

RUPERT: OH MY GOD!

(He runs out and starts sucking on her head.)

JEFF: Aww, isn't it cute how much he loves her?!

(He takes a fork and knife and a bib out and starts eating her.)

JEFF: And look Michael, it's your wife too!

(Another woman runs out from the bushes. Basically she looks like Michael with breasts (complete with the baldness.))

MICHAEL: Hooray!

(He runs over and hugs her.)

JEFF: And here's your husband, Sandra!

(Someone who is clearly a woman with a moustache painted on runs out from behind the bushes.)

MAN/WOMAN-THING: Hey, honey!

SANDRA: I LOVE YOU SO F***ING MUCH YOU F***ING G****! GOD I LOVE YOU S****F***!

JEFF: Kathy, here's your son... again.

(The big tall nancy boy walks out.)

KATHY'S SON: Sup?

(Kathy hugs him.)

JEFF: And Rudy, here's your wife!

(Marge comes out, with a walker, and really really really slowly walks towards Rudy. This drags on for like two minutes.)

RUDY (Snickering in that way that only Rudy can): Hey... Hey... guess how she broke her hip?

JEFF: I don't wanna guess.

RUDY: Guess.

JEFF: I DON'T WANNA!

RUDY: C'mon, guess!

JEFF: ...No. HEY LOOK, ROB, AMBER, HERE ARE YOUR FIANCES!

(From behind the bushes, another Rob and another Amber emerge. Rob and Amber cheer and then start making out with their doubles... Rob with Rob and Amber with Amber.)

JEFF: Okay, that's just weird. Christy, here's your boyfriend!

(Her boyfriend from Survivor 6 runs out with his arms stretched out, stumbling around. He is wearing sunglasses and has a cane.)

BOYFRIEND (With arms stretched out): CHRISTY?! CHRISTY, WHERE ARE YOU?! I'M BLIND!

CHRISTY: WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYING! I'M DEAF!

BOYFRIEND (Stumbling about): CHRISTY! CHRISTY I CAN'T FIND YOU! I CAN'T FIND YOU FOR I AM BLIND!

CHRISTY: WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! TALK LOUDER!

BOYFRIEND (Stumbling upon Rupert and feeling him up): CHRISTY?! IS THAT YOU?! I'M SO BLIND I CAN'T TELL! HERE, LET ME PUT MY TONGUE IN YOUR MOUTH!

(He starts making out with Rupert.)

RUPERT: Oh yeah, give daddy some sugar.

CHRISTY: WHAT?! WHAT'S GOING ON?! I'M DEAF!

JEFF: Colleen, here's your cat!

(A little tabby wanders into view.)

COLLEEN: YAY! There's my cat!

(She runs up and starts cuddling with her cat. Pussy Willows is sitting on her shoulder. Dramatic music sting as the camera zooms in to show closeups of the cats eyeing each other suspiciously.)

JEFF: And here's your son, Richard! Apparently he's still recovering from your last meeting.

(Two paramedics wheel in a small boy on a stretcher in a horribly contorted body cast.)

RICHARD: Good job, son. Good job.

JEFF: Clay, you might recognize this sassy dame. It's your wife!

(An eight foot tall woman with an enormous behind emerges from the bushes and hugs Clay... somehow.)

JEFF: And here's your wife too, Rory! Holy s***, is that- Hey, it is! It's Omarosa from The Apprentice!

(Omarosa from "The Apprentice" walks onscreen dressed as a French maid, carrying a tray of cookies.)

OMAROSA: Why hello there, honey. I have baked you some cookies.

RORY: Oh, how sweet.

(He eats one.)

RORY: Boy, these are delicious.

OMAROSA: They're made with my secret ingredient... LOVE!

RORY: Awww!

(They kiss tenderly.)

(Jeff stares on, gape-mouthed.)

SOME GUY (OS): DUDE, WHAT THE F***?!

(Beat.)

JEFF: Who keeps saying that?

(Silence.)

JEFF: Well, Jerri's next on the list. Sorry, Jerri, none of your family members showed up.

JERRI: ...You couldn't get a friend or something?

JEFF (Sighing): Jerri, you and I both know you don't have any friends.

JERRI: True.

(A single tear rolls down her cheek.)

JEFF: Well, here's your family member, Jon... Singing sensation, Yanni!

(Yanni emerges from the bushes, singing loudly and being irritating. Jon runs up and hugs him.)

JON: I love you, Yanni! Dude, how's my family?

YANNI (Clear English, but with a heavy accent): They are dead.

JON: WHAT?!

YANNI: They died in a plane crash.

JON: OH, OH GOD NO!

(Jon screams and thrashes about.)

JEFF (Motioning to the right): Alright, we've got some chairs set over here for the castaways. You can sit down. (Motioning to the left) And these chairs are for the family members.

(Everyone sits down. Jon is still sobbing uncontrollably.)

JEFF: Now, before I get to the challenge, I have to address something. Why are you crying, Jon?

JON: My family... my mom and my dad and my sister and brother and my dog, Checkers... THEY ALL DIED IN A PLANE CRASH!

(Beat.)

(Everyone starts laughing uproariously.)

JEFF: Oh, shut up, Jon! You think we'd fall for that again?

SANDRA: Yeah, you stupid n***** bitch!

JON: No, seriously!

AMBER: You're lying, Jon! Just earlier you said you had a crazy plan!

JON: I was just gonna sexually harass Clay! I wasn't planning THIS!

(Rudy backhands Jon.)

RUDY: Dick.

JERRI: Don't be so disrespectful. They're your family! How would you feel if they said YOU were dead?!

JON: But they're really dead! Yanni says they’re dead! WHY WOULD YANNI LIE?!

JEFF: I think we can all agree that Jon needs a good punch in the c***.

(Everyone nods and some people mutter "Yeah." Someone leans onscreen and whispers something into Jeff's ear.)

JEFF (To production assistant): Oh... Oh dear... Really? (To castaways and family) Um... Well... I've just gotten word that Jon's family really did die in a plane crash two days ago.

(Beat.)

RICHARD: Well, this is awkward.

JEFF: The plane actually crashed three days ago, but they were trapped in the twisted burning wreckage for a while before the wolves came, and, well, they wouldn’t go into much detail after that.

(Awkward beat. All is silent except for Jon's sobbing.)

JEFF: Okay, onto the challenge. Here's the deal. (Jeff motions to a bunch of big balance beams all connected crazy-like.) Tribes will traverse this balance beam course, one tribe after the other. The way it will work is on one end of the course will be one of the tribes, and on the other end of the course, the opposing tribe's family members. The objective is to get as many tribe members to the opposite end of the course as possible. Family members will also be traversing the course, but in the opposite direction. If a castaway and a family member meet up, there will be a battle. No holds barred. This will continue until all tribe members have either crossed the course or have been knocked off. The S*** Tribe will go first, up against Rupert's Angels family members. Then Rupert's Angels will go up against The S*** Tribe's family members. The tribe that manages to get the most castaways across the course wins. Understood?

(Everyone nods in agreement. Jon continues to wail loudly.)

JEFF: The winning tribe will receive THIS...

(Jeff whips out a sewing machine.)

JEFF: So you can all sew new clothes. Understood?

(Everyone nods.)

JEFF: Alright, S*** Tribe are you ready?!

(Cut to the S*** tribe, Michael, Kathy, Rob, Amber, Richard, Rory and Jon, standing on one end of the course. Jon is sitting down, bawling into his hands.)

S*** TRIBE (Minus Jon): YEAH!

JEFF: Family members, are YOU ready?!

(Rupert's wife, Sandra's crazy girl-husband, Marge, Christy's bf with the cane and sunglasses, Clay's eight foot tall wife and Colleen's kitten stand at the ready.)

EVERYONE: YEAH!

CAT: Meow.

JEFF: Alright. Survivors and family ready?! GO!

(The tribes slowly begin traversing the course, as do the family members. Yanni starts singing loudly. Several people put their hands to their ears. Marge almost immediately falls off.)

MARGE: OW! MY HIP!

ROB (Laughing): Ba ha! She broke her hip!

(He meets up with Clay's eight foot tall wife, who punches him in the stomach and tosses him to the ground.)

ROB: OW! MY HIP!

MARGE: Sucka! N***** ain't playin' fo s***! Word to yo motha bitch!

(She does some gang signs.)

JEFF: The first battle's been decided! Clay's wife took out Rob!

(Kathy holds her hands to her ears.)

KATHY: GOD! This music is terrible! It's like a cat in a dishwasher, clawing about and meowing for dear life!

(Meanwhile, Colleen's cat plays with a ball of yarn, while Christy's boyfriend stumbles about.)

BOYFRIEND: HELLO?! HELLO?! I CAN'T SEE FOR I AM BLIND!

(He falls off the course.)

KATHY: THIS MUSIC IS SO BAD!

(Clay's wife grabs Jon and Amber with her freakishly long arms and tosses them to the ground.)

JEFF: That's three castaways out, two family members!

KATHY: Please, I just want to F***ING DIE! WHY WON'T YOU LET ME DIE?!

(Rupert's wife meets up with Michael, who whips out a crowbar and busts one of her legs.)

MICHAEL: YEAH! YEAH! I ROCK!

(She falls to the ground screaming.)

MICHAEL: I AM SURVIVOR!

JEFF: Okay, that was just mean.

(Sandra's crazy girl husband-thing approaches Kathy and gives her a little shove. She falls off the course.)

KATHY: OH THANK GOD!

(Kathy walks over to Yanni and punches him in the face.)

YANNI: My nose, it is bleeding! My nose, it is bleeding!

KATHY: Suck on that! Your music is worse than that Ryan Cabrera guy and I swear he drowns puppies while he sings!

(Cut to Ryan Cabrera’s apartment as he holds something underwater with bubbles boiling up everywhere. "Super-Vivor!" is clearly on a TV across from him with crazy challenge action going on.)

RYAN CABRERA: Hey, I resent that! I don’t drown puppies…

(He pulls his hands out of the water to reveal a cute baby lamb.)

RYAN CABRERA: …I drown lambs, there is a difference!

(Cut back to the challenge. Sandra’s husband knocks Richard off the course.)

RICHARD: Oh, dammit! But I catch fish!

(Rory tosses her/him off.)

RORY: YEAH! That's right! Always bet on black!

(Clay's wife punches him violently in the stomach, knocking him off, while Colleen's cat continues to play with the yarn.)

JEFF: Michael's the last castaway left for The S*** Tribe!

(As Michael nears the end of the course, with no more family members in his way, smoke drifts onto the screen.)

MICHAEL: What's that I smell? ...Smoke?

(His eyes roll up into his head and he fall off the course, directly into a fire burning below that section for no apparent reason.)

JEFF: Alright! None of The S*** Tribe members managed to make it across! Round two: Rupert's Angels versus the S*** Tribe family members! All you have to do is get ONE member across and you win Reward!

(Rupert and co. stand across from Michael's lookalike wife, Kathy's son, the other Rob and Amber, Omarosa, Yanni, and Richard's son who is in traction.)

JEFF: Survivors and family ready?! ...GO!

(Rupert pushes all of his tribe members aside and starts running across the course, going from beam to beam. As he goes, he tosses Michael's wife violently to the side, lifts up Kathy's son and breaks his back over his mighty, god-like knee, then he punches Amber in the stomach and knees Rob in the groin.)

JEFF: Wow, Rupert's doing great! No one else is gonna get on the course?

RUPERT (Taking a breather): I can do this on my own, Jeff! GOD, I'm so heroic!

(He continues onward, and grabs Omarosa by the hair, tossing her into a big giant woodchipper and causing Omarosa bits to spray everywhere.)

SEVERAL SMALL CHILDREN (As they're being sprayed by Omarosa): HOORAY!

(Several children start to sing.)

(Rupert then tosses Yanni off the course. Kathy runs over and kicks him repeatedly.)

YANNI (OS): Ow, my face, it is breaking!

JEFF: Here it is! The final battle! Rupert verses the comatose kid on a stretcher! Who'll win?!

(Rupert punches the stretcher.)

RUPERT: OW! THAT HURTS! IT'S MADE OF METAL!

(He picks it up and tosses it to the ground, shattering it. Richard's son jumps up and stands on his own two feet.)

RICHARD'S SON: Yay! I'm a real boy now!

RICHARD: Good job, son!

(Rupert makes it to the end of the course.)

JEFF: Rupert wins Reward for Rupert's Angels!

(The Rupert's Angels tribe cheers while The S*** Tribe looks onward, dejected. Jon is sobbing on the ground uncontrollably.)

JEFF: Alright, a sobering defeat by you guys. Rupert's Angels, good job. You guys can say goodbye to your families now and I'll see you tomorrow.

(The tribes all hug their respective family members goodbye. Happy Ancient Voices plays as it shows everybody loving each other. Richard clearly holds his son in a headlock while Christy and her boyfriend stumble about trying to find one another. Rupert has inhaled most of his wife while Rob and Rob and Amber and Amber have awkward blurred out sex.)

(Fade out.)

(Commercial break.)

= = =
DAY ELEVEN
= = =

- - -
Australian Outback
- - -

(All is peaceful as the early morning sun crosses the sky. Koalas continue their usual rampage across the Australian Outback, dragging an entire kangaroo up a tree before cocooning it and sucking it’s juices. Several platypi continue being the mistakes of a stoned God, as they continue laying eggs in their nests. Yup, just a normal day in the Australian Outback. A low rumbling is audible in the distance, before it comes even closer with a massive cloud of dust. Soon enough, the cloud of dust envelops the camera and we can see its cause.)

(Dozens of helicopters and RV’s fly through the air as they rain their toxic waste across Australia as the Imperial March (Darth Vader's theme for those people that aren't Trekkies, err, Warsies... or whatever) from Star Wars plays in the background. Landing in the middle of a fenced off nature reserve, they crush hundreds of trees. IMIS steps out of one helicopter, still wearing the same three piece suit and smiling a smile that would make Jeff Probst jealous.)

IMIS: All right, burn down all those trees over there!

(Pan over to see “National Condor Reserve.")

IMIS: Yes, we need LOTS of room for the apartment sets, burn down ALL those trees.

(Helicopters fly by and drop napalm on the reserve, causing all trees to burst into one massive ball of flames. Several severely charred condors try to crawl their way from the mess, though they’re eventually picked up by production crew and eaten.)

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT 1: MMM! This endangered condor sure is good!

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT 2: Yep! After all, it's just a large chicken that God didn't like and made endangered.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT 1: Amen to that!

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT 2: Hey, let's go beat up some black people.

(They walk off. Cut back to IMIS.)

IMIS: All right, that was BEAUTIFUL, let’s bring in the director.

(One particularly large helicopter comes in with a massive Oscar painted on the bottom of it. It’s shiny and gold and delightfully ostentatious. Landing, we can see the designation on the side: “WORLD’S GREATEST DIRECTOR (after Steven Spielberg, Quentin Tarantino, Martin Scorsese, M. Night Shyamalan, Sam Raimi, Ron Jeremy, George Lucas, David Fincher, John Singleton, Woody Allen, Spike Lee, Michael Mann, Ashton Kutcher, George Romero, Tobe Hooper, John Carpenter, John Landis, Trey Parker, Peter Jackson, Jonathan Demme and yes, even Ben Affleck.)” As the door slides open, none other than Michael Bay steps out.)

IMIS: GOD it is good to see you, Mr. Michael Bay, you know how inspirational your work has been.

(Long pause.)

MICHAEL BAY: I threw up on the ride over. It was bumpy.

IMIS: So, how do you like it here in Australia?

MICHAEL BAY: It’s hot and I have half a pound of cheese in my underwear.

(Beat.)

MICHAEL BAY: I make fifty million dollars for yelling at people. I love my job. And pants.

IMIS (Confessional): Well, this man may not be very intelligent, but damn it HE'S BRILLIANT! You can tell he wants to have sex with ME! For I am IMPORTANT! Hooray for Michael Bay!

(Another helicopter lands, spilling out Johnny Thunder along with the rest of the crew as they run around with flamethrowers and shotguns in an effort to liquidate all remaining life in the outback.)

JOHNNY THUNDER: I see you’ve met Michael Bay, our fantastic new director.

IMIS: Yes I have, I can already tell that he’s a virile and intelligent young filmmaker who will ensure that this film will make hundreds of millions of dollars at the box office. Mostly due to my affiliation with it of course.

JOHNNY THUNDER: Yes, but he’s also a complete and utter retard. We legally need a name to attach to the film so the mob won’t take all our money, so we just keep handing Michael the same five dollar bill over and over until he thinks he’s making millions of dollars. The man lives in a cardboard box we moved to the edge of Beverly Hills so he could feel important, and he eats plastic surgery drippings, thinking they’re Euro-cuisine.

IMIS: I see.

JOHNNY THUNDER: Because of this though, we’re taking the natural course and automatically promoting you to the position of director, since damn it you’re so unbelievably manly.

IMIS: Well yes, I am quite masculine. But will I get the credit for directing this movie?

JOHNNY THUNDER: No, no, Michael Bay will still get all the credit.

(Beat.)

IMIS: Do I get any money at least?

JOHNNY THUNDER: Not really, no.

(Beat.)

IMIS: GOD I'M IMPORTANT!

(Several of the RV’s come to sweep in for a landing.)

IMIS: I see the cast has arrived, were you able to get all of the original cast members back to reprise their delightful and completely understated humorous performances?

JOHNNY THUNDER: Well, yes and no. We couldn’t get David Schwimmer because he's being knighted by the queen, so needless to say we got Russell Crowe to fill his spot.

(Russell Crowe steps out of one of the flying RV’s in a drunken rage, knocking down several PA’s. When another, a very pregnant female, crosses his path, he grabs her by the hair and repeatedly slams her into the side of the trailer.)

IMIS: Of course.

JOHNNY THUNDER: Jennifer Aniston is currently on death row for repeatedly running Brad Pitt over with a bulldozer, so of course we replaced her with the beloved Paris Hilton.

(Paris Hilton walks out of her trailer in an equal drunken stupor, wearing several pieces of tissue paper to cover up her breasts, while her crotch is covered in bright yellow tape labeled “CDC, DANGER: PUBLIC HEALTH HAZARD, DO NOT CROSS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!” An assistant walks by and ogles her.)

ASSISTANT: Oh wow, Paris Hilton!

(Looking down, he eyes her crotch. All at once, the flesh eating virus takes over his body and dissolves him into a pile of steaming flesh and bones.)

JOHNNY THUNDER: Matthew Perry’s still being investigated on those underage gay porn charges, as is Courtney Cox-Arquette-Terwilliger-Hutz-McClure, so we’ve replaced them with Christopher Walken and Rosie O’Donnell respectively.

(From the next trailer, Hannibal Lecter and Jabba The Hutt are wheeled out. We’d go more into describing their physical appearance, but, well, that’d be running the joke into the ground, something we are completely and utterly against doing.)

IMIS: Naturally. Wow I'm important.

JOHNNY THUNDER: Now, after her acceptance into MENSA, we couldn’t in any good conscience allow Lisa Kudrow anywhere near the shoot, so we’ve brought someone in who’s truly mentally handicapped and will cause us no trouble whatsoever.

IMIS: Justin Timberlake?

JOHNNY THUNDER: He was our first choice, but he backed out. We did one better, we got Courtney Love.

(The three week old corpse of some random crack whore is pushed violently out of the side of the next trailer. It just lays there for several minutes until dingoes come up to it and begin fighting over the remains.)

IMIS: Thus far I must say your casting is BRILLIANT, the choices are INSPIRED! Who did you get for Joey? Don’t tell me, Lorenzo Lamas?

JOHNNY THUNDER (Looking at the ground): Not quite.

IMIS: That chick from Xena?

JOHNNY THUNDER (Even more ashamed): I’m sorry, we had to settle for Matt LeBlanc.

(IMIS’ eyes shoot open as he flies into a violent rage, knocking Johnny Thunder to the ground.)

IMIS: Of all the original cast members you could get, you had to get the most USELESS, WORTHLESS, piece of garbage least funny son of a WHORE? I feel like knocking you down to the floor and RAPING you as we speak.

JOHNNY THUNDER: I’m sorry, really, ever since "Joey" failed he’s been just kind of hanging around the studio and begging for sandwiches, so we thought we’d cut him a break.

IMIS: You miss the point, no one likes him. Why? Because I don't like him, and what I say is what the PEOPLE will agree with. For I am important.

JOHNNY THUNDER: Yes master.

IMIS: We’ll have to improvise. We’ll bury him up to his neck in the desert and write Joey out since nobody liked him to begin with.

JOHNNY THUNDER: But whatever will we do?

IMIS: The answer is simple. Add in a new friend, one that appeals to the hip urban, audiences dropping mad rhymes.

JOHNNY THUNDER: But, it’s too late into production! We’ll never find a hip, urban actor in time!

(As the sun gleams behind IMIS, he pulls out a baseball cap.)

IMIS: Let ME worry about that.

(He places the baseball cap on his head and turns it all around, then flashing Jonny Fairplay-like gang signs.)

IMIS: Yo yo yo, I’m Ramone G. Word to yo motha.

(Johnny Thunder watches IMIS’ performance orgasmically as if he has just been in the presence of a deity. With that over, he looks around as the cast members wander the Outback aimlessly.)

JOHNNY THUNDER: Whatever shall we do with the cast? We haven’t nearly eradicated enough species to start filming yet.

IMIS: Oh, those roustabouts? Let them wander, sow their royal oats, have wacky adventures. I’m sure they’ll have DELIGHTFUL stories of their misadventures to tell when they get back.

- - -
S*** Tribe
- - -

(Michael walks around the outback with a spear in hand, whistling to himself happily as he sings delightfully out of tune.)

MICHAEL (Singing): I like skinning, I like grinning, I like killing, I like drilling, slash ‘em cut ‘em burn ‘em to the ground, get up my brothers and go break down!

(Throwing his spear into a tree, Michael comes up with several koalas and a cameraman attached to the end of it. He smiles widely, putting their bloodied corpses into his bag.)

MICHAEL (Confessional): It’s great when you have the lord on your side. I mean, all these fools who go for Allah or Buddha or Brahma or Odin, they don’t know to worship the right and proper God, and through the teachings of his son. Still, since his son was killed by the Jews, I will have to preach to them the proper gospel.

(As he treks along, we find Michael walking to an Aboriginal village.)

MICHAEL: OOH, HEATHENS!!!

(He runs towards like a kid in a candy store, until a large shadow blocks out the sun. Turning around, Michael sees the shadow belonging to a man; and not just any man, but the manliest of all men. Yup, it belongs to Russell Crowe holding a whiskey bottle in one hand and an Oscar statuette in the other.)

RUSSELL CROWE: Wot dar herk ya dun en ma coontry ya brindy babbleydor?

(Pause.)

MICHAEL: He’s speaking in tongues! Oh no! Only I can save him! ...And Jesus, of course!

(Michael rushes over gleefully with his spear and bible, at which point Russell bashes him over the head with a bottle of whiskey.)

RUSSELL CROWE: A tolda wut der herk ya dun en coontry bazzledor malalafoktenstoon?

MICHAEL: Look, I can help save you, have you found Jesu-

RUSSELL CROWE (Backhanding Michael): Yedun liss atme ikillyewif deroscar!

(Russell begins to pummel Michael repeatedly into the ground with his Oscar and one of his mighty, manly fists, causing Michael to look up angrily.)

MICHAEL: You don’t want to get me angry kind stranger (his eyes turn solid white) you... wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

(We see Russell Crowe’s face turn to one of pure terror as Michael’s shadow turns ginormous and blocks out all around the two warriors.)

(Cut to back at main camp. Michael proudly holds the skull and spine of Russell Crowe a la Predator as the rest of his tribe sits around laughing hysterically.)

MICHAEL: …and THEN he asked for his mother, and I said, ‘Why do you need a mother when you no longer have a neck?’

(Everyone busts out into laughter.)

KATHY: Wow, that’s such an inspirational story! I’m glad you’re on my tribe Michael!

RICHARD (Still big and naked): Yeah, me too, let’s group hug!

(As always, people back away from Richard.)

RICHARD: Oh come on, the bouncing meat rocket’s been out for y’all to see for the last two weeks, why are you still afraid of it?

(Everyone begins to disperse as the day wears on and everyone gets as lazy as they tend to ‘round this time of day.)

RORY (Confessional): The tension around camp has been pretty thick recently. Richard’s been walking around naked, and I guess it wouldn’t be as creepy or unenjoyable if he weren’t so… fat. People can’t stand him and me being so different from everyone else, and I wanted to confront the tension, and, well, one thing led to another and it did kind of boil over; it did step up a notch, but I think that in the end I really handled it well and maturely.

(As Kathy, Richard, Rob and a blood-stained Michael sit around camp, Rory walks into camp carrying their massive bucket of water. He watches as Michael licks the blood from his lips, while the rest sleep heavily.)

RORY: Hey, anyone see Jon and Amber? They went out for Tree Mail an hour ago and haven’t come back yet.

MICHAEL (Wiping Russell Crowe’s blood from his face): Oh those wacky youngsters? I’m sure they’re off catching fireflies or some other wholesome, God-approved activity. Besides, you’re brain is half the size of mine... Why are you wondering about such trivialities when you could be shining my shoes and fetching me some more water like a good boy?

RORY: THAT’S IT!!! I’M SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THIS RACIST BULLCRAP AND I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME THE RESPECT I DESERVE!!!

(Rory kicks Michael in the shins and walks off in a huff.)

RICHARD: I don’t know about you, but I was kind of expecting something more than that.

(Long beat. Michael and Richard both yawn. Kathy walks up.)

KATHY: Rory did have a point though, I haven’t seen Jon and Amber in ages, I wonder where they might be…

(We cut to the various images in Kathy’s mind. One has Jon and Amber skipping merrily across the outback, sharing a picnic beneath a rainbow. Another has Jon serenading Amber with a mandolin as she holds a rose in her mouth. Another has them sharing milk and cookies at a kitchen table. Another has Amber and Jon’s heads both on the ends of pikes as naked aboriginals dance around and chant.)

KATHY: …Nah.

(We cut to what really happened; Rosie The Hutt sits on her massive throne with Amber in the golden Leia bikini dancing about on her lap/tail, while Jon sits by on the floor laughing like that crazy monkey-lizard.)

(Cut back to camp.)

ROB: Who gives a damn ‘bout them? We need immunity like I need to stop being a sadistic bastard.

KATHY: Yeah! We can do this guys, we may not have Jon or Amber, we’re gonna win immunity!

MICHAEL: YEAH! YOU HEAR THAT GOD, NOT EVEN YOU CAN STOP US NOW!!!

JON (OS): What’s up biotches? We’re back!

(Michael looks to the sky.)

MICHAEL: WHY DO YOU MOCK ME SO OH LORD?! WHY?!

- - -
Rupert’s Angels
- - -

(We see several shots of the members of Rupert’s Angels tribe lounging around camp. Jerri and Rudy sleep near one another. Pussy Willows plays in Colleen’s hair. Sandra and Rupert are outside the boma, breaking off large pieces of firewood. The top of Clay’s head works to create skirts at their sewing machine, since, well, everyone likes skirts. Christopher Walken drowns Christy violently in the river. Sandra and Rupert are downstream from Christy, where Rupert fishes wearing his brand new skirt, while Sandra holds his massive bucket of caught fish.)

SANDRA (Confessional): I’m f***ing glad that Rupert’s f***ing out here, he helps keep me f***ing sane and I f***ing love using the word f***. F*** I’m the best Survivor player ever.

RUPERT: Don’t you just HATE those dirty, smelly film crew people being around here?

(Rupert belches loudly and scratches his crotch in the area near his new skirt. We watch as about a pound of dirt and bacteria flakes away.)

SANDRA: F***, I know what you f***ing mean, I mean, GOD, what the f*** is wrong with those people? They’re invading our natural and normal f***ing lives and f***ing f***ing us up!

RUPERT: I know what you mean, they depress me so much! It reminds me of that time when I was famous during the 80’s, and everyone wanted to take a picture of me and wouldn’t let me leave the house without taking pictures of me, GOD, just give me some privacy, you know? That’s why I gained two hundred pounds, grew a beard and sniffed airplane glue until my voice changed. Living life with a name like PeeWee Herman ain’t as much fun as it sounds, let me tell you.

SANDRA: F***, you were f***ing PeeWee Herman? F***ing f***, I mean, f***ing q**** w*** * e******* r****t** the blender y**** u**** u***** i** j**** d***!

(Beat.)

RUPERT (Confessional): Sandra’s really got a problem cursing, she should know better than to be an annoying little bitch like that. I open myself up to her, tell her about who I REALLY am, and what does she think of me? She ignores the most important thing in the conversation, ME!!! Sandra made a very poor move when she chose to make me her enemy, I am now on to her plans. I won’t let her vote me out again just so I’ll unconditionally vote for her to win this game, no way, no how.

(Cut to a wide, expansive shot of the Australian Outback.)

CHEAP SLUT (OS): Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Cut to a shot of the boma. Most of Rupert’s Angels still sleep, but Clay turns his head to hear the noise.)

CHEAP SLUT (OS): Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Zooming in, we see that Paris Hilton has somehow gotten stuck in the boma wall and is thrashing about. The top of Clay’s head bounces over, and if we could see his eyes, they’d be sure to light up right about now.)

CLAY: Wellthatthere’sParisHiltongodyerhoti’velovedyourfilmcareer
Eversinceyoutookthatguysschlongintoyourstomachandbeatpamanderson
Inmytrailerparkasthehottestc***s***ingcelebontheplanetyou’reoneofmy
Favoritepeopleandnowyou’remineallmineboyi’mgonnalovethisdayandremember
Itfortherestofmylife.

(We hear an unzipping sound as the top of Clay’s head bounds on over to the wall of the boma.)

PARIS HILTON (OS): MY GOD IT’S LIKE A THIRD LEG, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

(The sound of a rhinoceros having sex with a jeep echoes across the outback. Colleen, Rudy, and Jerri walk on over to see what the commotion is about.)

JERRI: Oh dear god.

(Turning around, she vomits.)

JERRI: It’s like watching a munchkin screw Dorothy.

(We hear more sounds from the boma.)

CLAY (OS): WHOOOOOOOshakeitmommalemmemakeyourbaby!

COLLEEN (Wide eyed): It’s almost as slimy as that time I kissed a boy.

(More sounds from the boma wall including loud snapping sounds and Clay beginning to sound like an elephant swallowing a porcupine.)

CLAY (OS): ThisshowfrickinrulescanIgetacigarettenow?

RUDY: Man this is hot.

(Awkward beat.)

RUDY (Confessional): It really was.

- - -
S*** Tribe
- - -

(In camp, Jon and Amber hold the tree mail scroll attached to a large slider puzzle.)

JON (Reading Tree Mail): F*** the generic clues and random poetry, look at what we’ve given you and figure the god-damn challenge out for yourselves you money-grubbing media whores, seriously, grow a frickin brain!

(They look to the message and the puzzle attached to it back and forth, trying to comprehend it.)

ROB: I GOTS IT!

(Rob throws the slider puzzle at a kangaroo outside like a boomerang, quickly and cleanly cutting it’s head off. The tribe cheers around him.)

ROB (Confessional): Ah seriously think we’ve got the edge in this one which is something that we really need given the fact that we’re really lousy when it comes to immunity challenges and ah think we could really use the chance to show that we can kick some serious ass instead of just sitting around and being generally useless and just giving off long-winded and utterly useless speeches about how much we want to win instead of actually going out and, well doing it instead of tempting the gods of foreshadowing. GOD we’re gonna win this one, ah just know it!

- - -
Challenge Beach
- - -

(The two tribes walk in carrying their flags, while Michael still proudly wears the immunity talisman around his neck.)

JEFF: Okay, before we begin, Jon, I’ll need you to look at these pictures.

JON: Pictures?

JEFF: Yeah, of your dead family. The coroner requested that you identify the corpses. I mean, I don't know what the fuss is about. They even told me they're one hundred percent sure it's your family, but they still want you to identify them just to be sure, I guess.

(He shows several Polaroid photos to Jon that we can’t see.)

JEFF: Okay, did this mangled torso belong to your mother or your brother?

(Jon stands by in pure shock.)

JEFF: No? How about this one? Does this look familiar? It might be your father’s thumb or big toe, we’re not sure.

(Tears start to stream down Jon’s face as his lip quivers in fear.)

JEFF: No? All right, does this half of face and jaw look familiar? We had to extract it from the pilot’s throat. Evidently he found out your family was on the plane and well, after watching your last show he dove the plane into the mountains in an effort to kill them all. Turns out the ones he didn’t kill on impact he wound up eating just to make sure they’d die. Sorry the quality of the carcass is so poor, he chewed on it real good before choking to death on it. Does it look familiar?

(Jon collapses to the floor in a wailing mess while the rest of the cast looks on.)

JEFF: No? All right, let’s get on to today’s challenge again. Michael, can I have immunity back?

(Michael gives Jeff the immunity talisman, which like a good host he puts around his own neck, and then retrieves the dead wombat immunity idol.)

JEFF: Okay, today’s challenge is one of the classics of all classic Survivor challenges, a personal favorite of mine, and one you all remember and love I’m sure…

(He motions behind him to reveal a nearly identical setup to the slider puzzle challenge from Survivor: The Australian Outback.)

JEFF: The slider puzzle challenge from Survivor: The Australian Outback!

RICHARD: That’s it?

JERRI: That challenge sucked.

JEFF: Hey, that challenge did not suck! It’s a CLASSIC!

MICHAEL: No, really Jeff, it did suck.

JEFF: Oh, right. Well, to make it interesting we’ve added a new twist to it. OK boys, bring ‘em in!

(One by one from behind the scenes, Lillian, Susan (now looking exactly like Mecha-Godzilla, only six feet tall), Lex, Eliza and Colby file in. Colby drags Vecepia behind him.)

JEFF: The previously eliminated players will be swinging bags of sand on ropes at the tribes that eliminated them while they try to compete in the challenge, making it that much more difficult, and that much better TV. GOD this show rocks. Now, get crackin so we can get the crackin going!

(The members of the S*** and Rupert’s Angels tribes sidle on up to their setups. Lex, Colby and Mecha-Susan line up by the S*** Tribe ready to swing their bags of sand, while Lillian, Eliza and the sleeping Vecepia take on the duty for the Rupert’s Angel’s tribe.)

KATHY: Does anyone notice anything wrong with this picture?

(Cut to a shot of Eliza, trying desperately to push one of the bags of sand, but unable to with her small frame. Lillian sits in a corner crying her eyes out and Vecepia sleeps.)

KATHY: Rupert's Angels has an unfair advantage!

JEFF: You know what? You’re right!

(He goes over to replace the sand bags on the Rupert’s Angels side with nice fluffy pillows.)

JEFF: We can’t damage Rupert, thank you for pointing that out Kathy. Now, Survivors ready… GO!

(Immediately all the castaways jump to trying to solve their puzzles. Well, all except Jon who lies on the ground in a crumpled heap crying and wailing uncontrollably.)

JON: Why God, why must you torment me so?!

MICHAEL: Because you’re one of humanities mistakes and God doesn’t understand why he didn’t force your mother to get an abortion.

JON: Oh, right.

(Jon jumps to the challenge with the rest of his tribe as if nothing happened.)

(Shots of the tribes working desperately on the eight piece slider puzzles with little success while being hit repeatedly with the bags. Eliza and Lillian do their best to swing the pillows, but neither is strong enough to even push one more than an inch. Eliza actually leans her entire body weight against one of the pillows, while it hangs and moves gently with the breeze more than her weight.)

(For the S*** Tribe, Colby and Mecha-Susan swing the bags of sand powerfully. Michael dodges one bag thrown by Mecha-Susan, which causes him to laugh heartily. Enraged, she uses her heat-ray vision to cause him to burst into flames.)

MICHAEL: Oh come on, this is just getting ridiculous!

(He rolls on the ground in agony. Lex in the meantime has managed to wrap the rope of one bag around Rob’s throat, swinging him around and watching gleefully as every last breath is strangled from Rob’s lungs.)

LEX: My job here is done and my life is complete.

(He pulls a gun from the back of his pants, puts it underneath his chin and blasts his brains out all over Colby. Colby hardly notices as he swings another bag to beam Amber right in the face.)

COLBY: YEEEEEEEEEEAH!!! TAKE THAT BITCH!!! YEAH, TAKE THAT!!!

(We pan to an overhead shot to see that neither of the tribes has been all that successful with the puzzle, and if anything, some are more muddled than they were before.)

COLLEEN: Gee willickers Pussy Willows, this might take a while!

("13 HOURS LATER…")

(The puzzles are exactly as they used to. Suddenly Sandra’s eyes roll back into her head as she goes into a mini-seizure.)

SANDRA (In an otherworldly voice): The colors, look at the colors!

(Her eyes roll back to normal.)

SANDRA: The f***ing colors! F*** this s***, I know how to do this!

(Going to the slider puzzle, Sandra breaks the pieces out of their base and puts them back together in order.)

JEFF: Immunity, to Rupert’s Angels!

(The Rupert’s Angels Tribe bursts out into a big group hug as Rupert lets out another patented Rupert Roar ©®™. Jeff walks on over, handing Sandra the rotting immunity idol. Clay holds it high.)

JERRI: Sandra, how’d you figure it out?

SANDRA: I don’t know, it just kind of came to me…

(Zooming over to the other side of the Earth we find Silas collapsed on the ground with his eyes rolled back in his skull in the middle of a busy street. Two passers by look at him curiously.)

SILAS (muttering): The colors… the colors… look at the colors…

PASSERBY 1: I think he’s having an out of body experience.

PASSERBY 2: Must be. Let’s take his wallet!

(They jump on Silas, kicking and punching him repeatedly before stealing his wallet and shoes. After a long pause, a dog comes up and urinates on him. Pause. A steamroller pulls up very slowly and turns Silas into a thick paste.)

(Cut back to Australia. Jeff approaches the S*** Tribe.)

JEFF: S*** Tribe, well, like you guys tend to do you sucked major horse c*** tonight. Tribal Council is tomorrow night, I suggest you do some thinking and vote off the right person tonight. Vote off the wrong person again, I swear I’ll find you while you sleep and do things to you. See you tomorrow!

(Ancient Voices kicks in as the seven members of the S*** Tribe wallow in their defeat, while the members of Rupert’s Angels celebrate around the immunity idol. Someone finally throws a bucket of water on the still burning Michael, while Rob sways gently in the breeze from his noose. No one bothers to cut him down.)

(Commercial break.)

= = =
DAY TWELVE
= = =

- - -
The S*** Tribe
- - -

(Most of The S*** Tribe sleeps as Richard loudly sharpens a machete and then loudly chops down a tree. Kathy wakes up.)

KATHY: God, Richard, stop sharpening that machete! Is it your life's goal to live out EVERY Survivor cliché?! Jesus!

RICHARD: How is sharpening a machete a Survivor cliché?

KATHY: Go watch some old episodes. There's like ten episodes in which a bunch of people sleep and someone either sharpens a machete loudly or chops down a tree while they're sleeping. And then everyone's annoyed by them. Geez!

RICHARD: Yes, well, I'm Richard Hatch. I'm invincible.

KATHY: That's what you think, Richard. That's what you think.

(Dramatic music sting. Suddenly she's hit in the head with a boom mike.)

KATHY: Ow! What was that?!

(Zoom out, IMIS is standing next to a camera man and a boom mike guy.)

IMIS: Oh, sorry, sorry, terribly sorry. Allow me to introduce myself. (Holding out a hand.) I am an important man in a suit!

RICHARD (Holding out a hand): Hi. I'm a naked gay man holding a machete.

IMIS: That's delightful! ...And also slightly disturbing. And, even more disturbing… slightly arousing.

(Beat.)

IMIS: Anyhow, would you guys please vacate these premises? We're trying to shoot a movie, here. A very important movie.

KATHY: Well, we're trying to shoot a TV show here, jerky.

(Mark Burnett steps onscreen.)

MARK BURNETT: Yes. That is correct. This place is my set, not yours!

IMIS: Wait... you're... you're-

MARK BURNETT: Yes, I am Mark Burnett! I am a television GOD, and I'm trying to shoot a TV show. Why the hell do you insist on interrupting it with your movie nonsense?

IMIS: Which show of yours are you shooting?

MARK BURNETT (Motioning to the "SUPER-VIVOR!" flag): Guess.

IMIS: Eco-Challenge?

MARK BURNETT: No.

IMIS: The Contender?

MARK BURNETT: No.

IMIS: The Apprentice?

MARK BURNETT: No.

IMIS: The Restaurant?

MARK BURNETT: No.

IMIS: The Casino?

MARK BURNETT: No.

IMIS: Commando Nanny?

MARK BURNETT: No.

IMIS: Combat Missions?

MARK BURNETT: No.

IMIS: Boarding House?

MARK BURNETT: No.

IMIS: ...Sanford and Son?

MARK BURNETT: No.

IMIS: WELL WHAT THE F*** SHOW ARE YOU FILMING?!

MARK BURNETT: Super-Vivor. You moron. Super-Vivor. Now, these people have important backstabbing to do and if you don't get out of here I'm going to have to bust a cap.

IMIS: Pfft! I am clearly more important than you are and-

(Mark Burnett punches him in the face.)

IMIS: Hear me out! Hear me out here! The Friends movie is so-

(Mark Burnett smacks him over the head with a bat.)

IMIS: Okay... Okay... I understand... you really want to film here, but...

(Mark Burnett cuts one of his arms off with a machete and he starts bleeding profusely.)

IMIS: OH, GOD! OH GOD I'M BLEEDING EVERYWHERE!

MARK BURNETT: You and your washed up drug addicted actors (He motions to the cast of Friends: The Movie, standing over to one side, including the head of Matt LeBlanc sticking out of the dirt) have messed with my castaways long enough!

MATT LE BLANC: Hey! I'm not addicted to drugs!

MARK BURNETT: Oh, shut the f*** up Matt Le Blanc, everyone knows I get more pussy than you do! (Turning to IMIS) I'm going to make this quick. GET OUT OF MY OUTBACK.

(Beat.)

IMIS: But I need my money so I can-

(Mark Burnett chops off his other arm.)

IMIS: OH GOD! OH GOD! ALRIGHT! I'LL LEAVE! ARRGH!

MARK BURNETT: Good. Make it swift.

- - -
Tribal Council
- - -

(Paris Hilton stands across from the gross Phoebe corpse as spiders and bats feast on her. The Tribal Council set has been painted over to resemble the Friends apartment set.)

PARIS HILTON: But Phoebe, you can't invent the airplane! It's already been invented!

(Canned laughter. Phoebe’s jaw falls off as two rats crawl through it.)

PARIS HILTON: Oh Phoebe, you're so silly!

(Zoom out. Jeff Probst stands next to Paris Hilton and The S*** Tribe stands across from him. Various PA's and camera crews are everywhere.)

JEFF: Oh, Jesus Christ, when'll these people be finished?!

MARK BURNETT (Leaning onscreen): They said they just have one more scene to shoot and they'll leave.

(Matt LeBlanc walks onscreen all covered in dirt.)

JOEY: Friends... My friends!

(All of the other Friends stand across from him.)

JOEY: This sure has been one wacky adventure! Let's all drink this grape Kool-Aid and kill ourselves in celebration! Sig heil!

(They all drink grape Kool Aid.)

RUSSELL CROWE: Blimey!

ROSIE THE HUTT: Okodokofadora!

IMIS: And that's a wrap!

MICHAEL BAY (Eating something): Yes. I am eating a wrap.

IMIS: ...No, you're clearly eating a small child.

(Zoom out. Little Timmy from "A Christmas Carol" is dangling from his arms with a big hole in his jugular.)

TIMMY: God bless us everyone.

MICHAEL BAY: I have to go pee pee.

IMIS (Sighing): The washroom is this way.

(The armless IMIS bites the neck of Michael Bay’s shirt as he leads the director offscreen.)

IMIS (OS): GOD I'm important!

(Johnny Thunder approaches Mark Burnett outside of the Tribal Council set.)

JOHNNY THUNDER: Thank you so much, Mark Burnett, for being so courteous to us during our filming in Australia.

MARK BURNETT: Oh, no, no. Thank you for f***ing up my filming.

(They shake hands.)

JOHNNY THUNDER: Do I sense sarcasm in your voice?

MARK BURNETT: No. No sarcasm at all. Duh.

JOHNNY THUNDER: Was that sarcastic?

MARK BURNETT: Probably.

(Beat.)

MARK BURNETT: I wish you the best of luck. Maybe, just maybe, your movie can beat my movie when they both open up on the same day.

JOHNNY THUNDER: ...You're making a movie?

MARK BURNETT: Oh yes. The first Survivor movie. The finale of this season will be EXTRA LONG AND THEATRICAL!

(Dramatic sting.)

MARK BURNETT: And it'll blow your movie out of the ground.

JOHNNY THUNDER: Well, I guess that's a challenge then.

(Johnny Thunder kicks Mark Burnett in the balls.)

MARK BURNETT: OW! My little Mark Burn-ies!

(Johnny Thunder and his crew load into helicopters and take off forever. Cut to the inside of the Tribal Council set.)

JEFF: Alright, now that that film crew's gone, we can get on with the proceedings. But first, Jon...

JON: Oh, god...

JEFF: Remember your friend Thunder D?

JON: Yeah?

JEFF: I'm sorry to tell you this... but he died yesterday.

JON: ...You're joking.

JEFF: No, no. Some crazy lunatic found out he was your friend and brutally tortured him before ending his life in a bizarrely ironic way that I can't even begin to describe without laughing.

(Jon makes a little whimpering noise and sobs into his hands.)

JEFF: Okay, okay, I'll describe it. He dressed up like a male prostitute in a clown outfit, propositioned Thunder Dan, and, well, one thing led to another and he died from shock after his testicles were bitten off by those bats. Well, that and the forty-two gallons of man mozzarella that we extracted from his lungs. Isn't that sexy?

RICHARD: Yeah, it is pretty sexy.

RORY: Yep.

JON: GOD WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

JEFF: Anywhoo, let's talk about what's been going on lately. Michael, how does it feel to lose two immunity challenges in a row?

MICHAEL: Losing makes me feel like the leader of the tribe because that's what God wants me to be. It's true, he told me while I was sleeping.

(Beat.)

MICHAEL: Hey, did I ever tell you guys about that time I fell in a fire?

JEFF: Mike, you're a one joke character. Shut up.

MICHAEL: I fell in a fire. Really, I did.

JEFF: ...Right. Richard, do you think you'll be voted out tonight?

RICHARD: No, I don't think I'm vulnerable at all because I catch fish. Just because I'm naked all the time and really obnoxious and a previous winner, really, those things don't paint a target on me at all. I'm Richard Hatch and I catch fish and-

(Suddenly fourteen men in S.W.A.T. uniforms burst into the Tribal Council set.)

MAN 1: GET DOWN! GET DOWN! GET DOWN!

(They start firing everywhere.)

MAN 2: EVERYBODY GET DOWN! HANDS ON YOUR HEADS!

RICHARD: S***! It's the feds!

MAN 1: WE'RE HERE FOR RICHARD HATCH!

RICHARD (Pointing at Jon): There he is! I found the bastard!

MAN 1 (Smashing Jon's back with his gun): Richard, you're coming with us!

JON: OW! MY BACK! GOD, WHY IS LIFE SO HARD?!

JEFF (Approaching the feds): Um, guys... Richard's right there.

(He points at the real Richard. They jump on him and handcuff him.)

JEFF: What exactly did he do?

RICHARD: Okay, okay! I admit it! I didn't put my million dollar prize on my tax forms! I didn't claim any of the money I made from this show and I lied my ass off!

(Silence. Everyone stares at him stunned.)

RICHARD: THERE'S MORE! I was the real killer! I KILLED NICOLE BROWN! OJ IS INNOCENT! Gah!

(He starts sobbing.)

RICHARD: The una-bomber, in the mid nineties! THAT WAS ME! That intern that went missing! THAT WAS ME TOO! I ATE LACY PETERSON'S BABY! I CUT THE BLACK DAHLIA IN HALF! I TOOK THE LINDBERGH BABY! I STOLE ALL YOUR MONEY, JEFF, AND I'M SORRY!

(Jeff cries into a tissue.)

RICHARD I WAS THE SECOND GUNMAN ON THE GRASSY KNOLL! I SHOT J.R.! OH GOD THE PAIN OF IT ALL!

(Richard sobs for several seconds.)

MAN 1: Dude, we're just here to give you this subpoena.

(He hands Richard a pink slip.)

RICHARD: ...Subpoena?

MAN 1: Yeah, we were sent to summon you. You have to appear at the Michael Jackson court hearings tomorrow.

RICHARD: Oh. Um. Can I take back everything that I just said?

MAN 1: No.

MAN 2: No, definitely not.

RICHARD: Crap.

MAN 1: Anywhoo, you have to come with us. You've got to get ready.

(They drag Richard into a helicopter all handcuffed and brutalized and continue to hit him with the butts of their guns and laugh. They take off.)

MAN 1 (OS): Man, aren’t hate crimes funny?

(Silence.)

JEFF: Well, that was stupid. I guess we don't have to vote anybody out.

(Jeff grabs Richard's torch and lays it down.)

JEFF: I can't believe that douche bag quit on us! What a pussy! Who QUITS Survivor?! I mean, what the hell?!

(Jon raises his hand.)

JON: I'd like to quit. My family's-

JEFF: Oh, shut the hell up Jon. Get back to camp.

(The castaways begin to gather their stuff as Ancient Voices plays softly in the background.)

(Jeff turns to Mark Burnett.)

JEFF: Wow, that film crew subplot was pointless, eh?

MARK BURNETT: Yeah, it really didn't go anywhere.

JEFF: And before you know it, they're gone.

MARK BURNETT: Hmm, I guess that proves that you shouldn't follow through with ideas if you don't know how you're going to handle them.

(Jeff and Mark stare blankly at the screen for a few seconds.)

JEFF: Yeah, and Johnny Thunder was hot.

(The castaways gather their torches and leave as Ancient Voices kicks into full-gear.)

A Lapointe-Carter Joint
Proud to be almost as juvenile as the show we're making fun of!

= = =
RICHARD'S FINAL WORDS
= = =

(Louis Armstrong’s “What A Wonderful World” plays in the background.)

(Musical montage as pictures of Richard and Michael Jackson partying from various eras (Michael looks different in every shot while Richard looks exactly the same in all of them) dancing about with small children are shown.)

(They ride the ferris wheel at Neverland Ranch.)

(They play video games with cancer kids from the Make A Wish Foundation.)

(They proudly display a wine cellar filled entirely of opened Pepsi cans and empty bottles of liquor.)

(A shot of Michael using Richard to block the sign to a Leather Room.)

(More of them dancing and playing with happy kids.)

(Richard dances with the skeleton of the Elephant Man as Michael looks on and laughs.)

(Michael writes “Poopy” on Richard’s oxygen sleeping tank as they have a merry laugh.)

(Another shot of Michael and Richard waving to the camera as two of Michael’s large bodyguards drag several young boys into a bedroom while they cling to dear life from the doorframe.)

(Michael and Richard arrive in court late, laughing merrily and wearing Spongebob pyjamas.)

(The final photograph is Michael and Richard hugging while the NeverLand Ranch can be seen in the background with "TO WONG FOO, THANKS FOR EVERYTING - RICHARD HATCH" scrawled on it.)

= = =
NEXT TIME ON SUPER-VIVOR!
= = =

JEFF (VO): Next time on Super-Vivor! Rory gets stung by a sea urchin...

RORY (His face covered in welts): GOD! It stung my face so much!

KATHY: Quick! Hunch over and I'll pee on the wounds!

RORY: Hooray!

JEFF (VO): Later, a tribal switchup makes everybody crazy...

(Cut to all of the remaining cast members standing on the little round disks like in the Marquesas.)

MICHAEL: I hate, you Jeff.

COLLEEN (Confessional, clearly wearing a S*** Tribe buff): And I felt like I was the one that got screwed by this. Seriously, it was like getting f***ed by a cactus without lube.

JEFF (VO): And somebody gets married! And it isn't who you think!

(Cut to two people, one in a suit and one in a wedding dress, with big black question marks covering their faces.)

JEFF (Wearing a priest's outfit and holding a Bible.): Okay, you may kiss the bride.

(Beat.)

JEFF: Which one of you is the bride again?

JEFF (VO): SUPER-VIVOR! ...Wednesdays at 8!