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SUPER-VIVOR!
EPISODE NINE
A VERY CHRISTY CHRISTMAS
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(Authors Note: Any and all references/anecdotes about the castaways and their lives outside of the game, as well as the depictions of the castaways herein, as well as any references/anecdotes to their previous "Survivor" experiences are all purely fictitious and based around stereotypes from the show. We also apologize ahead of time to the people of the nation of Australia since, well, you’ll find out when it happens. This is entirely fictitious and meant for entertainment purposes solely. Also, some material in this story may be extremely offensive to people of different genders, races, disabilities and sexual preferences. Marcy and Matt (the authors, Marcy being a big gay Canadian and Matt being a tree-hugging liberal pussy) love everybody equally so no harm is meant. If any Survivors actually happen to read this story, please don’t kill us or sue us. We love you all, and this is all just meant in good fun.)
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The Aborted Whale Fetus Tribe
Amber Brkich, Chad Crittenden, Christy Smith, Jan Gentry, Jerri Manthey, Jon Dalton, Matthew Von Ertfelda, Michael Skupin, Rob Mariano
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(Dramatic Ancient Voices music kicks in as we get some images of Australia. Crocodiles looking angry. Snakes swimming in the river. Wombats fighting. Big Tom dancing merrily.)

"23 ALL-STARS"

(A crate with Rupert’s Angels written on it hits the water.)

COLLEEN, behind a bunch of flies. Rob Schneider looks on in the background and smiles.

RUPERT, breaking through the ocean like Poseidon, god of the seas. A huge trumpet fanfare greets him as he jumps out of the water.

ELIZA, looking particularly bony with her mouth open like a large-mouthed bass.

JERRI, a picture of Linda Blair from the Exorcist.

CHRISTY, the music gets real loud as Christy’s picture crosses the screen. "(CLOSED CAPTIONED FOR THE HEARING IMPAIRED.)"

(Shot of people jumping off a cliff for some reason. They pile up in a bloody heap on the ground as dramatic music accentuates the shot.)

CLAY, showing a picture of the top of his head. Fades into view of him in a challenge, where we only see his forehead bobbing up and down.

RUDY, looking very old.

LILLIAN, looking older. She cries.

JAN, looking even older, then fading in and out and looking like a wrinkly five year old. She cries as a SURVIVOR CAFÉ sign is visible in the background.

VECEPIA, sitting in a hammock. She yawns.

CHAD, running in a challenge with his fake leg visible, then hopping around as he swats at flies with his fake leg.

(Shot of a platypus just sitting there. More of Big Tom dancing.)

"A WHOLE LOTTA DAYS"

(The name S*** Tribe appears on a map.)

RORY, a shot of LeVar Burton getting whipped in Roots.

KATHY, squatting on the ground.

SANDRA, looking angry and shouting.

LEX, carving tattoos into his knuckles with the top of a tin can.

MICHAEL, a picture of the Human Torch.

AMBER, just a long holding shot on her picture that fades in and out as if it’s particularly important.

ROB, beating his grandmother with a tire iron. He giggles.

SUSAN, looking angry and shouting. A banjo riff goes off in the music as her picture fades in and out and morphs into Mecha-Susan.

MATTHEW, repeatedly slashing some helpless animal with a straight razor, then drinking a gallon of blood during a challenge.

(A shot of the production camp littered with empty beer cans.)

JON, running by and flashing his gang signs.

COLBY, grating cheese on his abs.

RICHARD, grating cheese on Colby’s abs.

RUPERT, now framed to look like Zeus, because we just can’t get enough of him.

(A shot of people digging a hole for some reason.)

ONE SUPER-VIVOR!

(A bunch of people covered in mud walking to Tribal Council.)

(Lots of swirling shots of fire, people and Tribal Council as the SUPER-VIVOR! logo comes up.)

(Quick shot of Boris Yeltsin in Elisabeth’s headdress. Foreshadowing?!?!?)

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DAY TWENTY-FIVE
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(We fade up on the North Pole, watching as polar bears wander about on the ice, trying in vain to catch seals as they swim up and down in the water. The seals bark and laugh merrily as the polar bears miss them. We fly over the ice at blinding speed, climbing and climbing until we reach a patch of ice surrounded by bright light and merry music. Getting closer, we see a happy little village of lights and cottages, candy and happy dreams, reindeer, sweet memories, and times gone by. Yup, you guessed it, it’s Santa’s village. A big sign proclaims the area as "THE NORTH POLE.")

NARRATOR (VO): It was a long time ago in a place much like this when the fate of Christmas was unknown. It was a time of chaos in the world, with war, soaring gas prices, and a general loss in the Christmas spirit. In the North Pole, it was business as usual, but something was soon to happen to change everything...

(We fly around the village, watching as elves dance around merrily and go in and out of the factory, humming their merry tune until we actually get inside the big factory. As the elves make toys, cobble shoes and dance around, they sing their happy, merry song.)

ELVES (Singing): It’s the special time of a special year, no time for rage, no time for fear…

(We fly over a massive pile of toys as a fat elf laughs jollily and eats cookies as he knits a stocking.)

FAT ELF (Singing): We all rejoice, we all must cheer…

(We fly past an assembly line as even more male elves dance merrily while working on a conveyor belt.)

CONVEYOR BELT ELVES (Singing): We dance and sing and chuckle…

(Some child elves bounce on by.)

CHILD ELVES: Teeheeeheee!

(Elf women dance on out carrying glasses of milk and cookies.)

ELF WOMEN (Singing): Because we’re merry and… Wait, nothing rhymes with chuckle.

(They all shrug and mutter under their breath things like "No, I guess not" and "Well, that's silly.")

ALL ELVES (Singing): Because it’s that special happy loving giving time… OF… YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAR!!!!!

(All the elves gather around in a circle and raise their arms the ceiling as the camera pulls back on this climactic number.)

(Cut to a cozy office door with a small window in it, a fireplace clearly crackling in the background. As we go inside, the door opens and it’s clearly Santa’s den. He sits in a big leather chair, looking at a massive curled up list with names on it as he checks them off with an old fashioned quill pen.)

SANTA: Well, Peter, he’s been good. Carla, good. Anna, Geiger, Fran, good, good, good. Tyler, he’s been naughty though, he gets a lump of coal. Herman too, naughty boy. Karen though, she’s been good…

(Cut to one of the halls of Santa’s workshop as we focus on the feet of one of his elves running at top speed. The elf bursts into Santa’s office out of breath.)

ELF (Out of breath): Santa! Santa!!!

SANTA (Jolly): Why, whatever is the matter Billy?

ELF BILLY: It’s Rudolph! RUDOLPH’S BEEN KIDNAPPED!

(Santa gasps.)

SANTA: Oh no! Whatever shall we do? (Beat) Are you sure the gate wasn’t just unlocked?

ELF BILLY: No, no, it’s… it’s too horrible, you must come, hurry!

(Cut to Santa walking through the snow with several other elves in tow. They approach the stables that are currently surrounded by crime scene tape and elves wearing "POLICE" jackets.)

SANTA: Tell me what happened.

ELF BILLY (Merrily): Well, as you can tell by the trail of blood…

(He points to a trail of blood and disturbed snow leading from the stable out into the snowy fields.)

ELF BILLY (Merrily): Rudolph put up a good fight. Fingernails imbedded in the door frame indicate the kidnapper didn’t take the time to knock Rudolph unconscious before making away with him.

(Going into the stables, we can only see their faces as they react to the scene. Santa is particularly horrified.)

SANTA: Jesus St. Nick! What happened here?

ELF BILLY (Merrily): As you can see… (We go into a CSI kind of flashback dealie where they show off the crime as it happens) the kidnapper strangled the reindeer with his own intestines before gouging out both of his eyes and replacing them with his testicles. From there the kidnapper spent several hours carving demonic passages into its flesh with either a penis or a broken jawbone before having his way with the remains for hours on end. The pints of semen we withdrew from this reindeer's esophagus and colon indicate that a long time was spent.

ELF JIMMY (Merrily): You can clearly tell that this was one sick f***!

SANTA: My God… Rudolph!

ELF BILLY: Oh no, that’s not Rudolph, that’s Blitzen.

(Beat.)

SANTA: Oh, okay, nobody gives a s*** about Blitzen. What about the others?

ELF JIMMY (Merrily): Well, most of them are all right, except Cupid’s missing most of his face, Dasher was lit on fire and Donner got so hungry he wound up eating a good portion of Blitzen’s @#%$.

ELF BILLY (Merrily): How ironic.

ELF JIMMY (Merrily): You betcha.

SANTA: Do we know what son of a bitch did this? (Wringing his fists) Because if I ever find him, so help me god I’m going to ram one of my buckled boots so far up his ass he’ll be licking my toes.

ELF BILLY (Merrily): Well, Dasher’s charred remains gave us our best clue: We think it was the work of the Heat Miser.

SANTA: GASP! NOT THE HEAT MISER!

ELF BILLY (Merrily): Oh yes! Looks like that sick f*** is back!

SANTA: I thought we banished him to Hell at the end of that "Year Without a Santa Claus" Christmas special.

ELF JIMMY (Merrily): Well, we did, for a while, after his epic battle of the seasons with the Cold Miser it seemed only natural. But, the fire-headed bastard, he tried to escape by offering oral sex to one of the guards, instead he just bit off his genitalia and stole the keys before they captured him and sent him to a place even worse than hell.

SANTA: You mean…

ELF BILLY (Merrily): Yes, Australia. We think that’s where he is now, trying to do whatever he can to get back at the North Pole!

ELF JIMMY: We have to find Rudolph! Otherwise the sleigh won’t work and there’ll be no Christmas!

(Enraged, Santa lifts Jimmy up by the ears and bites him in the throat, pulling out a long, stretchy and bloody chunk and he spits it into the snow.)

SANTA: I KNOW THAT, JUST LET ME THINK!!! BRAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!

(Santa paces around as he runs fingers through his beard, while Jimmy flops around in the background with blood gushing from his throat.)

SANTA: You all know what this means…

(The elves nod. Jimmy collapses to the floor from blood loss.)

SANTA: There’s only one person who can save Christmas now…

(The shot pulls out as Santa and the gang look contemplative.)

NARRATOR (VO): Yes, there was only one person who could save Christmas, and it wasn’t a world leader, it wasn’t a religious figure, and no, it wasn’t even Rupert. Santa knew that to find a true hero, he would have to search the ends of the Earth for someone strong, someone inspirational, and someone who had been shat upon their entire life, since that’s what these Christmas specials are all about. He had to look in… AUSTRALIA!

(Dun dun dun!)

(Cut to Australia, which for some miraculous reason now looks identical to the North Pole with the snow and the polar bears and whatnot. A sign reads "AUSTRALIA, POPULATION 42". The "2" is removable but the "4" is clearly painted straight onto the sign. Koalas are frozen to the trees as the snow kicks in mighty fierce, while kangaroos struggle to keep from being buried alive. Surely enough though, standing out from the bright white snow is the circular boma as we focus in on…)

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The Aborted Whale Fetus Tribe
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(Jerri skips through the snow holding a large candy cane.)

JERRI: Tra la la la la!

JERRI (Confessional): Now I know I’m a hellspawn demon bitch that no one wants to see happy, but Christmas is the one time of year that I can be really enthused and get presents and feel loved! I’ve never had a bad Christmas ever, except for that one where my dad got drunk because he hated me and wound up shooting mom and the mailman.

(Jon skips alongside her holding an equally large candy cane as they lock hands and go off on a merry lark.)

JON: Tra la la la la!

JERRI: I love Christmas!

JON: Me too!

JERRI: Wanna go beat up the deaf girl?

JON: DO I!

JERRI: Hooray! This is the best Christmas ever!

(They skip hand in hand across the Outback and get close to the river, where Rob and Chad, fully clad in a Santa Claus outfit, are already beating Christy into the ground with comedically oversized candy canes.)

JERRI: Hey, what are you guys doing?

ROB: Christmas tradition.

CHAD: Yeah, didn’t they ever tell you that Christmas Magic only happens after the traditional beating of a deaf person?

(Beat.)

SOME GUY (OS): CHAD IS SO INSPIRATIONAL!

ANOTHER GUY (OS): MAKE LOVE TO ME CHAD!

JERRI: Yeah, that’s why we came over here!

ROB: Well we was here first!

JERRI: But I’ve got a nicer rack!

CHAD: I’m inspirational!!!

JON: I’ve got a small penis!

SANDRA (Very far off in the distance): I CAN GET LOUD TOO!!!!

(Quite naturally, renowned actor and poet Ron Jeremy walks onscreen.)

RON JEREMY: Children, children, please, fighting is not in the Christmas spirit!

MICHAEL: Why, look! It's Ron Jeremy, the famous actor!

JON: Wasn't he the one that won that Pulitzer?

(The others calm down in awe of this magnificent thespian.)

RON JEREMY: Christmas is about sharing and cooperation! Christmas is about love, not petty arguments and yelling at each other, it takes away The Christmas Magic!

(Everyone gasps, and Santa Chad’s mouth falls open in shock.)

RON JEREMY: And we all want the Christmas Magic now, don’t we? (He nods) So, everyone can share, this isn’t a day about who came here and who started beating the deaf girl first. Golly gosh, can’t we all just get along and share the deaf girl?

(Rob lowers his candy cane.)

ROB: Well, I guess.

(Jerri lowers hers too.)

JERRI: Sure, why not.

JON (Like a small child, with big beady eyes): Mr. Jeremy?

RON JEREMY: Yeah kiddo?

JON: Would you like to stay and beat the deaf girl with us? Pweeeeease?

(Ron mulls it over as he looks to the assembled group, then to the pitiful, battered and bloodied Christy on the ground.)

RON JEREMY: It would be my honor!

(Gleefully taking another giant candy cane out of nowhere, Ron begins to seriously beat Christy in the head.)

NARRATOR (VO): Yes, it had been a hard run for the poor little deaf girl, but whether she knew it or not, she was destined to become the savior of Christmas. For every day that Rudolph was gone, the Christmas Magic of the North Pole was beginning to slowly deteriorate. If it weren’t for her, Christmas would most certainly have disappeared…

(They continue to beat her mercilessly as blood flies out on the ice.)

JERRI: Yay!

JON: Feel the Christmas spirit!

NARRATOR (VO): Mind you, we never said it would be easy or pleasant and it wouldn’t involve retrieving a pair of car keys from an active garbage disposal unit with her face, but she’s still the savior of Christmas.

(The beating continues on even more ferociously.)

NARRATOR (VO): This might take a while. I’m going to go get some coffee.

JON (Confessional): Man, this is the best Christmas ever!

(Commercial break.)

(An old woman sits in a rocking chair, next to a roaring fireplace with several stockings strung in a row along it. A window nearby shows a snow gently falling from the sky. The old woman rocks back and forth, chewing on candy and knitting an "I LOVE X-MAS" sweater.)

OLD GRANNY: Boy golly, I love Christmas!

(A kid on a skate board smashes through the roof as rocking guitar music starts to play. The kid smashes the old woman over the head with his skateboard and she violently falls over.)

KID WITH SKATEBOARD: F*** YOU, GRANNY! I'VE GOT A NEW HOLIDAY!

(Super-Impose with badass gangsta letters: "KWANZAA! YOU LOVE IT!")

ANNOUNCER: Kwanzaa! The new holiday from the people that brought you Will Smith (shot of Will Smith), Usher (shot of Usher), Fantasia Barrino (shot of Fantasia Barrino), Starr Jones (shot of a killer whale sticking it's head out of the water), Cedric the Entertainer (a different killer whale), Missy Elliot (another killer whale), and Shamu the whale! (and another)

(Back to the kid with the skateboard, who is clearly white.)

KID WITH SKATEBOARD (Fingering the camera): YEAH, I LOVE KWANZAA MOTHERF***ERS!

ANNOUNCER: KWANZAA! ORDER NOW WHILE SUPPLIES LAST!

(The kid makes an awesome action pose.)

KID WITH SKATEWORD: Word!

(Subtitle: "Order now while supplies last! Batteries not included! Black people rock!")

CBS ANNOUNCER: And now back to a very special episode of "Super-Vivor!"

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Aborted Whale Fetus Tribe
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(We fade up from the commercial break as the entire tribe lounges around camp under a blinding snowstorm. Matthew chops wood with a machete, while we pan over to watch Jan lying in the latrine section of snow and rolling around wildly.)

JAN: I am making a yellow snow angel!

(As we continue to pan across camp, we focus on most of the tribe sitting around the campfire. Jerri and Jon toy with a Christmas tree that would put Charlie Brown to shame, while Michael and Chad both roast fish on the end of sticks over the flames. Chad still wears his Santa Claus outfit.)

JERRI: Boy, this Christmas tree sure is tiny.

JON: It just needs a little love.

(Jerri and Jon look to each other, and then to the tree.)

JON: Hmm... Ooh! I know!

(Jon smacks the tree really hard.)

JON: Did it work?

JERRI: Not really. I don't think physical abuse is as loving as it used to be before it became illegal to hit women.

JON: Well then how are we gonna show this tiny tree the love it deserves?

JERRI: I know! I'll take my clothes off in front of it! That's bound to work!

JON: HOORAY!

CHAD (Confessional): I know there’s been a lot of tension between Michael and myself, and I know that not a whole lot can be done given that our fates are forever intertwined to be adversaries, but I think at least given the holiday season we can fake some civility and get along better as human beings and good people.

MICHAEL (Confessional): I f***ing hate Chad. I hate him. I tried to take a dump on his face while he was sleeping, but he rolled over and I wound up s***ing on Amber. I hate him and I hope he dies. I want to cut him with something rusty so he’ll die of tetanus. F***ing cripple.

(As we pan across the camp, surely enough Christy is off in her own corner of the completely round boma, rolled up into a ball and looking at the ground.)

CHRISTY (Confessional): Christmas is my least favorite time of the year. When everyone’s out there just singing and dancing and being merry, I have to sit here being deaf and alone and forgotten. Back when I was in elementary school, everyone used to make fun of me at Christmas time because they could all sing carols and I couldn’t hear them since I’m deaf and all. They could make fun of me all they wanted to, but whenever I tried to do something to stop them, I always got in trouble!

(Flashing back to high school, we see Christy with an AK-47 blasting away mercilessly in the halls of a busy school, mowing down kids left and right as she laughs maniacally. Suddenly a door opens and a stereotypical teacher holding a ruler steps out.)

TEACHER: DEAF GIRL!

(Christy swings the rifle around and blasts the teacher repeatedly in the chest with her high powered weapon. The teacher seems unfazed.)

TEACHER: THAT’S A BAD, BAD DEAF GIRL!

(She grabs Christy by the hair and pushes her head to the ground, forcing her nose into someone’s pool of blood.)

TEACHER: LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID!!!! BAD, BAD DEAF GIRL! Now you go to the Principal’s Office and think about what you did!

(Flashing back, we go back to Christy in her confessional.)

CHRISTY (Confessional): Life is so unfair.

(All of a sudden, Rob and Amber run into the boma wildly waving around a Tree Mail scroll and envelope.)

ROB: Hey everyone, we’ve got a reward challenge!

AMBER: What Rob said!!!

(As the rest of the tribe gathers around, Rob begins to read the Tree Mail message.)

ROB (reading): Yeah, you’ve all made the jury, whoop de f***ing do, in any real Survivor competition you’d have all been voted out by now for being the least interesting group of asswipes ever known to man, but since you’re all here and we’re all ratings whores, let’s do this. Get to the challenge beach before we shoot you all in the back of the head. Merry Christmas.

(Beat.)

JERRI: What’s in the mystery envelope?

(Rob tears it open, and out rolls a small glowing red ball soaked in blood and a note. The ball emits red light with that annoying sound affect from the original Rudolph TV special. Rob reads the note.)

ROB (Reading): Give me one hundred thousand dollars or I’ll send you the rest of the deer through a tree chipper.

(Rob looks at the envelope.)

ROB: Ah, wrong address, dumbass was trying to send it to the North Pole. He got the wrong damn hemisphere!

(They all have a merry laugh.)

ROB: Fags. Come on, let’s go to the Reward Challenge!

(Walking off in a line, the nine members of the Aborted Whale Fetus Tribe head off to the challenge.)

ROB (Confessional): I’m totally ready to start with the individual challenges since really, I’m the strongest person out here and I could kick some ass with no problem really. I did a lot of the tribe stuff on auto-pilot, but I know now I’m gonna kick ass now that it's man to man!

JAN (Confessional): I like Ewoks!

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Challenge Beach
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(We cut to Challenge Beach as all nine tribe members pile on in by the river. Jeff waves them in halfheartedly as he puts his crack pipe away.)

JEFF: Welcome everyone to the first individual reward challenge, not like it really matters though since in all honesty these things are merely a way for us to show everyone who here is a threat and who here is a weakling who will make it to the end on the back of said threat.

(Beat.)

JEFF: All right, now who wants to get down to the challenge?

ALL (Minus Christy): YAY!!!

JEFF: All right, this is a simple one. At the bottom of the river behind me are eight brightly colored shells. When I give the say so, you will all dive into the water and try to bring one to the surface, the last person to have a shell is out. In the next round, we will remove a shell and repeat the process until only four people are left, where we will then take part in a runoff. The winner will be treated to a thrilling experience… bartering Christmas snow at a local traditional village! And we all know that Christmas snow is the only kind of snow that can survive being melted in a flower shop, right? Everyone understand?

ALL (Minus Christy): YAY!!!

JEFF: Then we shall begin, all right, Survivors ready…

VOICE (OS, merrily): WAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT!!!!!

(Elf Jimmy and Elf Billy from earlier run onscreen.)

ELF JIMMY (Merrily): Christy, Santa needs you to save Christmas!

ELF BILLY (Merrily): No time to explain, come with us!

CHRISTY: WHAAAAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY? I’M DEAF!

ELF JIMMY (Merrily): We don’t have time for this s***.

ELF BILLY (Merrily): I’ll take care of the bitch!

(He blasts her with one of those Jawa electric guns from Star Wars, causing her to collapse to the ground convulsing. The two elves drag her off.)

JEFF: Does any of this surprise any of you?

(They all shake their heads.)

JEFF: Weird, me neither, just like it doesn’t surprise me that it’s snowing. In the middle of Australia. Anyhow, we’ll now start with seven shells. Survivors ready, GO!

(Immediately all the castaways run for the river. Rob tries to dive in, but since the river is frozen over he knocks most of his teeth out. Matthew breaks a hole in the ice with his machete and jumps in the water. Amber follows him in and has her nipples harden up in the water.)

AMBER: Oh my God! This is Stuff magazine all over again!

EVERYONE ELSE: HOORAY!

(One by one, all the rest of the castaways (minus Rob who is knocked out on the ice) jump into the water and pull out a shell.)

JEFF: All right, Rob is eliminated. Next round, Survivors ready… GO!

(Once again, they all run into the freezing water and shriek in pain as the water begins to peel off their skin because it’s so cold. Matthew is the first to come out, followed by Michael, Chad, Amber, Jan, and finally Jerri.)

JEFF: Jon is eliminated, next round, Survivors ready… GO!

(They all run in again, Chad busts a new hole from underneath with his robo-leg and is first out, followed by Michael, Jan, Matthew, and Amber.)

JEFF: Jerri is eliminated. Next round, Survivors ready… GO!

(As is the procedure, they all run into the ice and dive under the water. Michael is the first out, followed by Jan, Amber and finally Matthew.)

JEFF: Chad is regrettably eliminated.

MICHAEL: HA!!! I BEAT YOU BIOTCH!!! I BEAT YOU!!!

CHAD (Furious): F***ING F***, MOTHERF***ER G*****ING E**F***ER!!!

(Awkward beat.)

SOME GUY (OS): CHAD IS SO INSPIRATIONAL!

ANOTHER GUY (OS): MAKE LOVE TO ME CHAD!

JEFF: All right, now we have the final round, Michael, Jan, Amber and Matthew. Here’s how we’re going to do it: We’re gonna have a snowman building contest, whoever makes the most convincing snowman as judged by our professional drop master…

(Surely enough, a professional drop master is standing next to Jeff.)

JEFF: Wins the trip to the local village for bartering and fun. You have five minutes, Survivors ready… GO!

(We go through a traditional montage of Survivors building things. Michael starts a massive fire, Matthew hacks at a lot of wood with a machete, Jan makes a small pile of snow, while Amber stands around filing her nails and being completely useless.)

AMBER (To self): Where’s Rob?

(More hacking of wood, piling on the snow, and yadda yadda yadda this is just another montage so you all get the jist of what you’re seeing here.)

JEFF: All right, time’s up! We’ll now go and judge all four entries!

(Jeff and the drop master walk from one to the next, viewing the entries. First up is Amber, who has done absolutely nothing. Jeff doesn’t look surprised in the slightest, moving on to Jan who has done an oddly shaped mound of snow with a few rocks in it and two sticks for arms that make it look as if it is in terrific agony. Next up they view Michael’s, which is quite clearly a perfect rendition of the Mona Lisa made in snow.)

JEFF: Michael’s will be pretty hard to beat, now on to the last, we have Matthew’s entry.

(Matthew’s entry is of a snowman getting hit in the crotch with a baseball bat.)

JEFF: Well, I think the winner of this competition is quite clear. Matthew, wins reward!

(Matthew jumps up and down triumphantly, while the rest of the tribe looks on at him dejectedly and pissed off.)

JEFF: Now, I know these zany adventures are no fun on your own, so you get to pick one person to join you tomorrow.

(Matthew mulls the options over for a moment as he looks over his tribe. Chad looks on smugly, Rob is still knocked out, Amber looks blankly around, while Jan is awkwardly writing her name in the snow.)

MATTHEW: Well, since he came so close… Jon!

(Jon walks up and high fives Matthew.)

JON: I RULE!!! YEAH, I’M HARDCORE BABY!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!

JEFF: All right, tomorrow a truck not too much unlike the one that drives you to challenges and Tribal Council will come to pick you up in the morning for your wacky village bartering adventure! The rest of you can go f*** yourselves. I’ll see you all at the immunity challenge.

(Ancient Voices kick in as the scene goes into slow motion. Matthew and Jon dance around, while the rest look on dejected and angry. Jon flashes his gang signs.)

(Commercial break.)

(A small child, probably around twelve, sits in front of a TV watching cartoons. His sweet looking mother walks in with a tray of cookies.)

MOM: Why hello there, Timmy. Did you get off from school early today?

TIMMY: I sure did!

MOM: Well that's just swell. Here, have some cookies.

TIMMY: Hooray!

(His mom hands him a tray of cookies and he starts to munch at them happily.)

MOM: Say, Timmy, I was wondering...

TIMMY: Yeah?

MOM: What would you like for Christmas this year?

TIMMY: Well, mommy... honestly...

(Long sentimental hold on the little boys face as he looks up lovingly at his mom.)

TIMMY: I'd like you to stop hitting me when you get mad.

(Beat.)

MOM: YOU LITTLE BASTARD!

(She smacks him in the face, knocking the cookies to the ground.)

MOM: LOOK WHAT YOU DID! JESUS!

(She whips out an axe out of nowhere and starts hitting him with it, immediately chopping off an arm.)

TIMMY (Screaming horrendously): ARRRRRRRRGH! WHY?! WHY MOMMY WHY?!

MOM: GRRR!

(She continues to hack away at him violently as blood and limbs fly to and fro.)

TIMMY: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!

(Cut to: "HENDERSON VALLEY COTTON SWABS! Preferred by nine out of ten families!")

ANNOUNCER: And now back to a very special episode of "Super-Vivor!"

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DAY TWENTY SIX
= = =

(Darkness. Suddenly, the world opens up and we realize that we are seeing the going ons around us from someone else’s eyes. Clouds and stars whiz by, and looking down, we see lights, cities, land masses, and bigass oceans. "ASIA" is written across one land mass in big black letters.)

(Cut to: Christy, looking dumbfounded, sitting in a big red chair with a giant sack next to her. A teddy bear and a jack in the box sticks out of the sack.)

CHRISTY: Where... where am I?

(Zoom out. Christy is clearly sitting in Santa's sleigh. Santa and the two elves sit at the front of the sleigh, and look back at her.)

SANTA (Whipping at the reindeer, who are all bloody and falling apart): MUSH! MUSH YOU BASTARDS!

CHRISTY: WHAT'S GOING ON?!

SANTA: Oh, hi there, deaf girl! I suppose you're wondering why you're here.

CHRISTY: WHAT?!

SANTA: I said I suppose you're wondering why you're here.

CHRISTY: WHAT?!

SANTA: I BET YOU'RE WONDERING WHY YOU ARE IN MY SLEIGH!

CHRISTY: WHAT?! I'M DEAF!

SANTA: Oh, Jesus Christ. (Turning to the elves) Do either of you have any pixie dust on you?

ELF JIMMY (Merrily): We're elves, not pixies, you f***ing fatass.

SANTA: Aw, crap. Guess we can't magically make her undeaf.

ELF BILLY: Drat.

SANTA: Maybe if I punch her really really hard in the face she'll be able to hear again.

(He does so. Christy stares at nothingness, blood drooling out of her mouth. A tooth dangles from her gums for a second, and then drops out of her mouth and onto her shirt. She is clearly unconscious.)

SANTA: CAN YOU HEAR ME, O SAVIOR OF CHRISTMAS?! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!

(Santa turns to the elves.)

SANTA: Do you think she can hear me?

ELF BILLY (Merrily): Looks like it.

ELF JIMMY (Merrily): Yep.

SANTA: Then the experiment was a success. (Turning back to Christy) Now, little deaf girl, I bet you're wondering why you're in my sleigh. Well, here's the deal-

NARRATOR (OS, as Santa's mouth is moving without any audible words coming out): Old Saint Nick explained the quandary of a predicament to the poor, misunderstood deaf girl. The deaf girl looked on with stunned recognition to this turn of events. (Shot of Christy unconscious as blood trails out of her mouth) Realizing that for some convoluted reason, she and she alone could save Christmas, the deaf girl-

SANTA: Could you just shut the f*** up?! I'm trying to talk!

NARRATOR (OS): HEY! Don't talk to me like that! I'm the f***ing narrator, not you!

SANTA: Well I'm jolly old Saint Nick! If you think you can talk over me, you've got another thing coming, buddy!

NARRATOR (OS): Hey hey hey! Don't get all uppity just because Weight Watchers isn't doing it's job with you!

SANTA: Hey! You're one to talk, Mr. I Had Sex With My Mother and Lied To My Dad About It!

(Silence.)

SANTA: Yeah! That's right! I'M ALWAYS WATCHING!

(We can hear a few footsteps, then the slamming of a door, then a car starting up and driving away.)

SANTA: Yeah, suck on that! Bitch.

(He turns back to Christy.)

SANTA: Anywho, Christy, since you're the only person that can save Rudolph, we're going to have to-

(Christy pops out of her trance.)

CHRISTY: OH MY GOD WHAT'S GOING ON?! ARRRGH!

(She stands up and falls out of the sleigh, plummeting through the sky.)

SANTA: Sweet Jesus Christmas, what're we gonna do?!

(The sled banks downwards in a desperate race to catch Christy.)

SANTA: Jimmy, reach out and snag the little abomination by the hair!

ELF JIMMY (Merrily): But I might fall out of the sled!

SANTA: It's okay, you're a static character so you don't really matter in the grand scheme of things!

JIMMY (Merrily): Oh, right.

(Jimmy leans out of the sled and grabs Christy, yanking her back into her seat.)

ELF JIMMY (Merrily): OH DEAR!

(He plummets out of the sleigh, flying through the air at a tremendous pace. He is impaled on flag pole and slowly slides down it with a sickening sound. Once he is finished sliding, the flag unfolds and reveals itself to say "ANTI-VIOLENCE SUMMIT 2005!" all covered in nasty blood.)

(Back on the sleigh...)

CHRISTY: So we're going to save Rudolph from the Heat Miser?

SANTA: Yes.

CHRISTY: Who the heck is the Heat Miser?

SANTA: Geez, haven't you seen that obscure Christmas special "A Year Without a Santa Claus?"

CHRISTY: No. I'm Canadian.

SANTA: That explains it. But before we go on our daring rescue mission, we have to go to the North Pole and get supplies and gingerbread cookies.

CHRISTY: Hooray!

- - -
Aborted Whale Fetus Tribe
- - -

(The tribe sits around the fire being boring, because that's what Survivor contestants do.)

MICHAEL: Hey, I heard from a producer that they finally nominated a new pope.

JERRI: Wow, really? Say, what's his name?

MICHAEL: Pope Benedict the Sixteenth.

JERRI: Wow, cool. I like eggs benedict.

(Beat.)

JERRI: Though I don't think I could eat sixteen.

(Beat.)

MICHAEL: I f***ing hate you, Jerri.

(Jan stands up suddenly.)

JAN: GUYS! Let's catch snowflakes on our tongues!

CHAD: HOORAY!

(They all open their mouths to catch snowflakes on their tongues as Charlie Brown music plays.)

AMBER: YAY! Tradition is fun!

(Jan hops onto Schroeder's piano and starts dancing wildly.)

CHAD: Say, where's Jon?

MICHAEL (Shrugging): Who knows? Probably stealing the host's girlfriend.

(Cut to Jon, sneaking around the camp.)

SINGER (OS): You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch...

(Jon graps Colby's flag and stuffs it in his pack.)

SINGER (OS): You're such a stupid twat...

(Jon starts stealing random things and putting them in his bag.)

SINGER (OS): Your soul is made of testicles and your @#%$ is made of s***, Mr. Griiiiiiiiinch! I wouldn't touch you with a forty nine and a half foot pole, even if the Heat Miser told me he'd shove a cactus in my anus!

(Matthew skips up.)

MATTHEW: Gee, Jon, do you think you have enough stuff to barter at the village?

JON: Do I! What do you have?

MATTHEW: My luxury item, my machete, the rock I've been sharpening it with, and some firewood. We're bound to get lots of stuff! What about you!

JON: All of our tribe mates personal belongings and the contents of Jan's pet cemetary.

(The corpse of Kel Gleason pops out of the bag.)

KEL GLEASON: Pleeeease... pleeeeease... I want to liiiiiiive!

(Jon closes the bag.)

JON: I hope they show up soon to take us to the North Pole!

("Low Rider" plays softly in the background as a big jeep pulls up. The music stops abruptly and Jeff hops out, wearing a badass pair of sunglasses.)

JEFF: Hey, guys! I'm ready to take you to the village!

MATTHEW: Sweet bliss.

JEFF: Got enough stuff to barter?

MICHAEL (OS): HEY, WHERE'S OUR CANTEENS?!

JERRI (OS): OH NO, WE'RE GOING TO DIE OF DEHYDRATION!

JAN (OS): SOMEONE TOOK ALL THE FOOD AND MY EXERCISING EQUIPMENT!

CHAD (OS): I CAN'T FIND MY ROBOT LEG!

JON: ...Do I!

JEFF: Great, let's get going then!

(Jeff approaches the jeep, motioning to a big black man behind the wheel.)

JEFF: You all remember Osa from our first day, right?

JON: No.

MATTHEW: I wasn't here the first day.

JEFF: Well, anyhow, he's here to wave a gun in your faces and yell at you.

OSA (Waving a gun around): GET IN THE VAN! GET IN THE FREAKING VAN! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

(Jon screams like a girl and leaps into Matthew's arms. The two of them get in the truck.)

- - -
THE NORTH POLE
- - -

MATTHEW (Confessional): Having the chance to barter real authentic Christmas snow with Jon was definitely a life changing experience. It also allowed me to experience new cultures, and show off my intelligence.

(Matthew and Jon walk down a cobblestone street crowded with wholesome looking elves going about their business (most of them eating candy or building something))

MATTHEW: WHO WANTS SNOW?! COME ON!

ELF: Dude, there's snow everywhere! Why would I want to buy snow from you?! Dumbass.

(Matthew removes his machete from his bag and begins sharpening it. Shink... Shink... Shink... He stares knowingly into the eyes of the elf.)

ELF: Uh...

(Shink. Shink. Shink.)

ELF: Uh...

(Shink. Shiiiiiiiiiiiink. Shink.)

(The elf runs away. Matthew puts the machete back in his bag.)

(Jon notices Santa, Christy and the elves milling about in front of a store labeled "ELF BUTCHERY!" Sausages hang in the window, each with a little green pointy hat.)

JON: Hey, maybe these sorry looking losers'll wanna buy some snow! I mean, who the f*** dresses in a big red coat like that? Especially when they're THAT FAT?

(Santa's head makes a complete 180, his body still faces the butchery.)

SANTA: I heard that, Jonathan.

JON: OH MY GOD IT'S SANTA!

(Jon and Matthew run up to Santa Claus. Christy turns around to see them.)

JON: Oh, HEY CHRISTY! What're you doing here?

CHRISTY: WHAT?!

JON: I said, "What're you doing here?"

CHRISTY: WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

(Jon stares at her with hate raging in his eyes.)

JON: ...I detest you.

MATTHEW (Approaching Santa Claus): Why hello there, Kris Kringle, what brings you to these parts?

SANTA: It's... the North Pole.

MATTHEW: Yes, and why are you here today?

SANTA: It's the North Pole.

MATTHEW: And?

SANTA: I'M SANTA CLAUS YOU F***ING RETARD!

(Matthew removes his machete from his bag and starts to sharpen it. Shink... Shink... Shink...)

SANTA: ...Right. (Turning to Jon) Jonathan, dear, you won't believe what's happened!

JON: What?

SANTA: You know the Heat Miser, right?

JON: Um... No.

SANTA: You've never heard of the Heat Miser?

JON: Can't say I have.

SANTA: Well why the hell not? Haven't you seen that special, "A Year Without a Santa Claus?"

JON: Well, I did but I was f***ing your mom at the time while high on a Blue Orgasm.

ELF JIMMY: It's true. I saw him.

SANTA: Oh. Well then.

(Beat.)

SANTA: The Heat Miser has kidnapped... RUDOLPH!

JON: NOT RUDOLPH! But without him Christmas will be ruined!

SANTA: Yes, I'm afraid it's beginning to look like there will be no Christmas this year.

MATTHEW: NO CHRISTMAS?! YOU'RE KIDDING! YOU MEAN I WON'T GET THAT PRESCRIPTION OF CLOTRIMAZOLE I WANTED?!

SANTA: No Matthew, I'm afraid you won't. Not unless this deaf girl can save the day!

(Christy watches a fly buzz around in front of her face.)

JON: Why her? What does she have to offer?

(Everyone stands silently for a few seconds.)

SANTA: IT'S THE WAY IT HAS TO BE SO SHUT THE F*** UP!

JON: Phah, you're just being a big pussy! You're making Christy face the Heat Miser cause you're too afraid to do it yourself!

SANTA: Am not!

JON: Are too!

SANTA: Am not!

JON: Are too!

SANTA: Am not!

JON: Are too!

SANTA: Am not!

JON: Loser says 'what?'

SANTA: What?

JON: BA HA HA! YOU'RE A LOSER!

(Beat. Santa slaps Jon.)

SANTA: Look, why don't you two boys help Christy out? Saving Rudolph'll be way easier with three people!

JON: Pussy.

SANTA: Just do what I say.

JON: You're a total pussy.

SANTA: Pleeeeease?

JON: Okay, okay, we'll team up with Christy!

MATTHEW: BLISS!

SANTA: Hooray!

ELF JIMMY: Um... Santa?

SANTA: Yes Jimmy?

ELF JIMMY: He has a point there, you are kind of being a pussy. And what's the big deal about Rudolph being gone anyways? The sleigh works just fine without him.

SANTA: IT'S ABOUT THE CHRISTMAS MAGIC! GOD!

(Santa picks up Jimmy and violently rips him in half, spilling his internal organs on the ground.)

MATTHEW: Ooh! It's like a piñata!

(Matthew gets on all fours and starts licking the organs.)

SANTA: Well, Christy, Jonathan, Matthew, I must be on my way! There's plenty of Christmas list checking to do before the big day... that is... assuming the three of you, but especially Christy, can save it on time!

JON (Putting an arm around Christy): But however will we find the Heat Miser, Santa?

SANTA: Just follow...

(He points up at the sky.)

SANTA: THE NORTH STAR!

(A choir begins to sing "Silent Night, Holy Night.")

JON: ...That's so gay.

- - -
Immunity Challenge
- - -

(The castaways, minus Christy, Jon and Matthew, arrive at challenge beach.)

JEFF: Alright guys, it's time for the first ever Christmas Immunity Challenge! But first...

(Jeff holds some mistletoe over his head.)

JEFF: Come on! Come on! Any takers?

(Everyone stares at Jeff for a few seconds.)

JEFF: Well f*** you guys too, I don't even like you. ALRIGHT, ON WITH THE CHALLENGE! This one's an endurance challenge and-

MICHAEL: We've already had a bunch of those.

CHAD: Yeah. We've already had a bunch of those.

JERRI: Good point, Chad!

AMBER: Yes, very good point, Chad.

JEFF: Hmm, that's true, Chad, but we're doing one anyways.

(Beat.)

MICHAEL: F***ing jerk. I fell in a fire.

JEFF: Remember that movie, "A Christmas Carol?"

(Nobody responds. Somebody coughs.)

JEFF: You know, the one with the kid with the glasses who wanted a Red Rider BB Gun for Christmas but everyone kept telling him he'd shoot his eyes out?

(Everyone mumbles things like "Oh right" and "Yeah, that one.")

JAN: Wasn't he the red guy from Tron?

JEFF: No, Jan, you're not funny. Anywhoo, who here remembers the most famous scene from that movie?

JON: The scene where they eat the duck?

JERRI: The scene where he swears alot?

CHAD: The scene where I say something completely random and irrelevant rather than actually summarize a scene from the movie in hopes of scoring a quick yet predictable laugh from the audience?

JEFF: NO, you f***ers! THE SCENE WHERE THAT LOSER KID STICKS HIS TONGUE TO THE FLAG POLE!

(Zoom out, six flag poles are next to Probst.)

JEFF: Here's the deal. You're all going to stick your tongues to one of these frozen over flag poles. The last person to remove their tongue from the flag pole wins Immunity. Any questions?

(Michael raises a hand. As does Chad.)

JEFF: Yes, Chad?

(Michael dejectedly lowers his hand.)

CHAD: Won't it be pretty much impossible to remove our tongues from the flagpoles anyways?

JEFF: Yes, that's the whole point. We just want to watch you suffer. Got it?

(Everyone nods.)

JEFF: Alright! Survivors ready... GO!

(Everyone sticks a tongue to the flag pole. Jerri tries to pull back from the flag pole, but rips her entire tongue out of her mouth, and as she steps further away, a whole trail of internal organs attached to the tongue trails out of her body.)

JERRI: Owie.

JEFF: Jerri's out of the running!

MICHAEL: GOD! IT HURTS! IT HURTS! IT BURNS!

(Michaels tongue catches on fire and he is soon consumed by the flames.)

ROB: Wait, does that even make sense?

(Rob's flagpole snaps in half, the top half plummeting towards him and smacking him in the head, knocking him off of the bottom half and removing his tongue from his mouth in a bloody lump of flesh. Michael is nothing more than a pile of ashes on the floor.)

JEFF: Rob and Michael are out! It's down to Chad, Amber, and Jon!

(Amber is cutting at her pole with a hacksaw.)

JEFF: Amber, what the hell are you doing?

AMBER: Rob's pole broke in half and hit him in the head so mine has to too!

JEFF: ...You don't deserve to live. If you guys didn't let me be the best man at that wedding you secretly had last Saturday I'd totally rape you right here and now.

ROB: It's true. He would.

(Amber's pole snaps in half and bonks her in the head.)

AMBER: YAY! I'M A SHEEP!

(Amber falls over onto the snow.)

JEFF: Alright, it's down to Chad and Jan!

CHAD: Nothing can stop me now! BWA HA HA!

MICHAEL'S CHARRED REMAINS: ...Jerk.

(Just then, a cute fuzzy bunny hops onscreen.)

JEFF: Why, who's that?

(Everybody gasps.)

JEFF: WHY LOOK! IT'S CARROT STICKS! ISN'T THAT CUTE?!

(The bunny looks all cute and bunny-eyed at the screen as it munches on a carrot.)

JEFF: Wow, that's just what I needed to make my holiday season come to life! A cute little bunny!

(The rabbit starts to nibble away at Chat's prosthetic leg. Chad's mouth drops open in shock.)

CHAD: Hey, it's eating my leg!

JEFF: That's what bunnies do! They love vegetables!

CHAD: ...My leg is made of metal.

JEFF: Pfft, don't be so anal about it.

ROB (Whispering to Amber): He said "anal."

(Chad's robot leg snaps in two and he falls to the ground, ripping his tongue clear in half.)

CHAD (As blood flies out of his mouth): OH GOD DAMMIT!

JEFF: JAN WINS IMMUNITY!

JAN (With her tongue still stuck to the pole): YAY! I'M OLD!

JEFF: Wow, I went through that entire challenge without making a predictable reference to oral sex! Well guys, guess you can head back to camp. See ya tomorrow! And don't forget tomorrow is Christmas Day, so remember to tell Santa what you want for Christmas!

(The castaways merrily skip back to camp, most of them bleeding everywhere. Jerri uses a broom and a dustpan to sweep up Michael. Jan waves around the talisman. Then it cuts to a shot of Rob sodomizing a sheep, while wearing a Santa hat.)

ROB: YEAH! SODOMY JOKES RULE!

(Commercial break.)

(The scene is entirely in black and white. An angry mob with pitch forks and torches storms a familiar looking castle, screaming angry sounding things.)

(Cut to the inside of the castle. A crazy looking scientist pulls a lever and sparks fly throughout the room. He then looks over to a stretcher lying in the middle of the room.)

SCIENTIST: BA HA HA! IT'S ALIVE! IT'S ALIIIIIIIIIIVE!

(Cut to: A rabbi, lying on the stretcher. He has glasses and a really big curly beard and holds a "JEWISH BIBLE" in one hand and a menorah in the other. He bursts free from his shackles somehow and stands up, with both hands in front of him like a robot, still grasping the "JEWISH BIBLE" and menorah.)

RABBI: GRRR! GRRR!

(He steps forward, smashing through a wall and starts to walk away from the castle and towards the crowd of angry folks.)

IGOR (Stumbling onscreen and sniveling): My god, what have you created, master?!

SCIENTIST: I call it... A PERSON OF DIFFERENT FAITH!

IGOR: MY GOD! IT'S HORRIBLE!

(Cut to the outside of the castle. The rabbi stomps about.)

PERSON IN CROWD 1: Oh my god, he doesn't believe Jesus died for our sins!

PERSON IN CROWD 2: What is that horrible abomination of a candle?!

PERSON IN CROWD 3: MY EYES! MY EYES!

(Someone with a bow and arrow shoots an arrow through his head but he keeps walking.)

PERSON IN CROWD 4: WHY WON'T IT DIE?! WHY WON'T IT DIE?!

(Cut to the evil scientist in his lab. He raises his fists to the heavens and laughs maniacally.)

SCIENTIST: BWA HA HA HA HA HA!

(Giant white words against black background (fills up the screen entirely): "JEWS SUCK.")

(Then: "This Christmas message has been paid for by Pope Benedict XVI. Sieg heil!")

ANNOUNCER: We now return to a very special episode of "Super-Vivor!"

= = =
DAY TWENTY SEVEN
= = =

- - -
Aborted Whale Fetus Tribe
- - -

(We fade up on Chad, Amber, Rob, Jerri and Jan sitting around the fire all looking pretty dejected. Jan then smiles perkily and jumps face first into the flames.)

JAN: Hey everybody, look at me, I’m Michael!

(She pulls out to show that her flesh has indeed been seared clean through as everyone has a merry laugh.)

CHAD: Oh Jan, you’re always good for such a merry lark!

(More laughs.)

CHAD: Now go fetch me some water.

(Beat.)

CHAD: NOW BITCH BEFORE I RAPE YOUR CAT!

(Beat.)

SOME GUY (OS): CHAD IS SO INSPIRATIONAL!

ANOTHER GUY (OS): SWEET JESUS, HE'S AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL!

YET ANOTHER GUY (OS): MAKE LOVE TO ME CHAD!

(Jan walks confusedly towards the river. We pan over to Michael who is quite clearly breaking pieces of frozen firewood against a tree.)

MICHAEL (To camera): Fire is good, fire is strength, fire is our creator out here and fire is who I will meet my destiny from. I know I’m spending Christmas away from my family but it will all be worth it when I score big and take all the money away from people who actually need it and blow it on strippers for my coming home party just so I can laugh at my family for being as huge a success as I so obviously am. I love this game.

JERRI (Confessional): It was a pretty low and dull day when we started things out, but they promised us a visit from none other than Santa Claus himself where we’d all get presents! I love presents! (Beat) Yes I know I’m not Colleen and I couldn’t be her if I tried but f*** off and let me talk, I’m bound to figure out something that’ll finally make me beloved by the audience no matter what happens. F***, just give me the million already, will ya?

(Amber suddenly gets up from the fire and looks off into the distance.)

AMBER: Hey, isn’t that-

(Rob knocks her to the ground and points off in the direction that she was looking.)

ROB: Hey, isn’t that Santa?

(Santa walks in moping, yet still carrying his massive bag of presents over his shoulder.)

SANTA: HO HO HO CASTAWAYS!!!

(The six tribe members all crowd around jolly old St. Nick as he holds his bag out.)

SANTA: Now, have you all been good boys and girls this year?

(Silence. A lone cricket chirps in the background.)

MICHAEL: No.

SANTA: Well, close enough, who wants free things!

ALL: OOH, ME ME ME ME ME!!!

SANTA: Now, I want each of you to write down what you want so I can reach in my magic sack. I’m sorry though, we haven’t any more balls, they’re one of our most popular gifts and we’ve simply run out of them.

ROB: So you can’t reach into your sack and pull us out any extra balls?

SANTA: Nope, this sack is fresh out of balls.

(Rob giggles.)

SANTA: What’s so funny?

ROB: You said nope, just like real people.

(Beat.)

JERRI: BA HA HA! NOPE! WHO THE F*** SAYS NOPE?!

CHAD: GOD SANTA'S AN IDIOT!

(Beat.)

JAN: AND HE SAID BALLS! (She laughs) BALLS! BALL SACK! GET IT! BA HA!

(Everyone stares at Jan.)

ROB: You sick f***. How do you sleep at night?

SANTA: Let’s just get to the gift giving you freakin morons.

(He hands each a slip of paper and a pen. They all take time to write something out, then look up as Santa patronizes them.)

SANTA: All right, let’s see what you all want! Chad, you first.

(Chad walks up and shows Santa the slip of paper that says “A NEW LEG”.)

SANTA: Can do!

(He reaches into his sack and pulls out a fresh leg, then gives it to Chad. Chad puts it on as it melds to his flesh and forms a new limb.)

CHAD: I HAVE A NEW LEG! I CAN WALK AGAIN! I CAN RUN!!! I CAN HOP!!! I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!

SANTA: Michael, your turn.

(Michael shows Santa his card, causing Santa to smile.)

SANTA: That’s a new one for me, but I can do it!

(Waving his magic hands around, we see Chad collapse to the ground as his new leg turns to an amorphous blob.)

CHAD (OS): WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME GOD?!?!? I WAS GOOD!!! I WAS GOOD!!!

(We see that Michael’s new card reads ‘CHAD’S NEW LEG TO BE MADE OUT OF TAFFY’. Michael high fives Santa.)

SANTA: All right, Jerri, it’s your turn!

(She shows Santa her card, which reads ‘THE WHOLE WORLD TO LOVE ME!!!’.)

SANTA: Well, that’s a tall order even by my standards. I mean, let’s face it, you’re the anti-Christ’s afterbirth.

(Everyone has a merry laugh with this remark.)

JERRI: Wait, that’s not funny!

SANTA: How about something you can actually use?

(He reaches into his sack and hands Jerri a bottle of Midol.)

JERRI: Sweet! No more bloating!

(She runs off.)

SANTA: All right, Jan, it’s your turn!

(She secretly shows him her card, and he laughs a knowing chuckle. He then reaches into his bag and pulls out a DVD box set of the first season of Quantum Leap.)

JAN: It’s just what I’ve always wanted! I love you Santa!

(She kneels in front of Jolly Old St. Nick as we hear an unzipping noise. Rob and Amber look on in horror.)

ROB: Man, now this is f***ed up.

(We hear Santa moaning and various slurping noises. Amber vomits.)

ROB: You know, I never would’ve taken Jan for a swallower.

(Jan walks away as she wipes her chin. Santa looks on proudly at Rob and Amber.)

SANTA: All right, now for my favoritest Survivors of all time, Romber! Rob, what do you want more than anything else?

ROB: To be the biggest, strongest most badass Survivor of all time!

SANTA: Done!

(He reaches into his bag and pulls out a jumbo-sized bottle of Anabolic Steroids.)

ROB: Score!

(He begins to chug the bottle of steroid pills.)

SANTA: Now, Amber, even though this question’s pretty much redundant, what do you want for Christmas?

AMBER: What Rob wants!

SANTA: Done!

(He pulls out another large bottle of Anabolic Steroids.)

AMBER: Yay!

(She runs away and starts chugging the bottle of pills, and once again Santa is completely alone.)

SANTA (To self): Once again I am on my own, Christmas is on the verge of destruction, and the fate of this holiday rests entirely on the shoulders of a psychopath, a sociopath, and a deaf girl.

(Beat. Santa sighs.)

SANTA (To self): We’re f***ed.

- - -
Christy, Jon and Matthew Save Christmas... OR DO THEY?
- - -

("Amazing Grace" plays in the background as our tortured trio makes their way through a never ending desert as they follow the North Star.)

JON: GOD, how're we ever going to find Rudolph?!

MATTHEW: Christmas'll never be saved!

(Matthew starts to cry.)

CHRISTY: Hey, don't lose hope Matthew! I'm sure he's around here somewhere!

(Beat.)

JON: Christy, did you just speak two full sentences?

CHRISTY: Oh. Um. It appears I did. Oops. I meant to say "WHAT?! WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"

JON: Much better.

MATTHEW: WE'RE NEVER GONNA FIND RUDOLPH!

JON: Just keep looking at the North Star, Matthew, we'll find him for sure!

(Cut to: a basement in the middle of nowhere. The Heat Miser stands menacingly over a quivering Rudolph (the claymation one from the cartoon, kid version) with a big bandage covering where his nose used to be. The Heat Miser begins to duct tape Rudolph to something, and zooming out, we can see it's a giant rocket.)

RUDOLPH: Why're you doing this?!

HEAT MISER: Because I HATE Christmas! It's everything I despise! So naturally, I decided that kidnapping you and killing your reindeer friends would be the only way to get back at Santa for all the pain he caused me!

RUDOLPH: But... But didn't you start the whole thing?

HEAT MISER: What?

RUDOLPH: You were a total twat to him in that "Year Without a Santa Claus" special.

HEAT MISER: No, I never watched that.

RUDOLPH: You didn't?

HEAT MISER: I'm Canadian.

(The Heat Miser starts to carve into Rudolph's chest with a knife.)

RUDOLPH: Stop that! What're you doing?!

HEAT MISER: I'm torturing you! It's what I do! And when I'm done... I'm going to press this BIG RED BUTTON!

(He motions to a big red button sticking out of the wall with "BIG RED BUTTON (do not press!)" written underneath it.)

HEAT MISER: And that rocket you're sitting on will fly into the air and STRAIGHT INTO THE CENTER OF THE SUN! The explosion will then create a solar flare large enough to destroy not only YOU, but also the planet Mercury! BWA HA HA!

RUDOLPH: But WHY?! WHY MERCURY?!

HEAT MISER: Everyone f***ing hates Mercury. It's the most useless planet out there. Jesus.

(Beat.)

HEAT MISER: And not only that, but CHRISTMAS WILL BE RUINED FOREVER! Man, this calls for a song!

(A microphone lowers from the ceiling.)

HEAT MISER:
(Singing and dancing provocatively)
I'm Mister Green Christmas
I'm Mister Sun
I'm Mister Heat Blister
I'm Mister Hundred and One
They call me Heat Miser,
What ever I touch
Starts to melt in my clutch
I'm too much!

(Some hot chicks walk onto the scene.)

HEAT MISER: Ah! Here come my Zombie Fly Girls!

ZOMBIE FLY GIRLS:
(Singing)
He's Mister Green Christmas
He's Mister Sun
He's Mister Heat Blister
He's Mister Hundred and One

HEAT MISER:
(Singing)
They call me Heat Miser,
What ever I touch
Starts to melt in my clutch

ZOMBIE FLY GIRLS:
(Singing and dancing on stripper poles)
He's too much!

HEAT MISER:
(As he continues to carve Rudolph)
Thank you!
I never want to see a day
That's under sixty degrees
I'd rather have it eighty,
Ninety, one hundred degrees!
(Spoken)
Oh, some like it hot, stupid f***ing reindeer, but I like it REALLY hot! Hee hee! And soon YOU'LL BE TOO DEAD TO CARE!

ZOMBIE FLY GIRLS:
Yeah! Bitch!
(Singing)
He's Mister Green Christmas
He's Mister Sun

HEAT MISER: Sing it Zombie Fly Girls!

ZOMBIE FLY GIRLS:
(Singing)
He's Mister Heat Blister
He's Mister Hundred and One

HEAT MISER:
(Singing)
They call me Heat Miser,
What ever I touch
Starts to melt in my clutch
I'm too much!

HEAT MISER (Raising his arms for the climactic finale): Too Much!

RUDOLPH: OH NO!

(The Heat Miser Lunges forward, claws and teeth bared.)

HEAT MISER: RAWR!

(Dramatic music sting as it cuts to Jon, Christy and Matthew leaning against a door, listening.)

MATTHEW: My god! Did you hear that?! He just layed out his entire evil plan!

JON: Yeah! And he sang a really catchy jingle! F*** that's a good song.

CHRISTY (Holding up a big gun): We have to go in there and blow him away!

JON: OF COURSE!

(Jon holds up two guns, one for each hand.)

(Matthew holds up a samarai sword.)

MATTHEW: Kota Kinabalu!

(Cut to the inside of the room. The Heat Miser motions to the Zombie Fly girls.)

HEAT MISER: Bring out the GIMP, Zombie Fly Girls!

(They all nod and walk to the back of the room in their stilletto high hears and start opening a padlocked crate.)

HEAT MISER: Say, Rudolph, have you ever seen Pulp Fiction?

RUDOLPH: Yep.

HEAT MISER: Remember the Gimp?

RUDOLPH: Not really.

HEAT MISER: Well, I've got a Gimp of my own! Bring em out!

(A little boy with a drum and a fetish mask like the one from Pulp Fiction stumbles foward, chained to the wall. He is clearly screaming behind the mask. His hands drum away madly at the drum.)

RUDOLPH: OH MY GOD! IT'S-

HEAT MISER: Yes! THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY! Ba rump pa pum GIMP!

(Rudolph vomits.)

HEAT MISER: And now I'm going to perform horrible homosexual acts on you while he watches!

RUDOLPH: ...Oh, really?! Cool!

HEAT MISER: Wait... you're... not offended?

RUDOLPH: What? You didn't know I was a big flamer?

(The Heat Miser stares at him and blinks a couple of times.)

RUDOLPH: Jesus Christ, my nose lights up. Ever seen a straight reindeer with one of those?

HEAT MISER: Uh...

RUDOLPH: Now let's get to it, big boy!

HEAT MISER: Um, on second thought it's not as fun if you're willin-

(Suddenly the door bursts open and Christ and Jon run in guns a-blazin.)

JON: DIE POONTANG!

HEAT MISER: OH NO! KILL THEM, ZOMBIE FLY GIRLS!

(The Zombie Fly Girls all start shooting wildly at them. Most of them get shot and die. Matthew chops a water melon in half with his sword.)

MATTHEW: HI-YA!

(Christy shoots a fly girl in the head.)

FLY GIRL: NOOOOO!

(Jon shoots the Little Drummer Boy in the face. He belts out one last "Ba-rum-pa-pum-pum" with his cute little drum sticks. And then DIES.)

JON: YEAH! HARDCORE!

(Suddenly a bullet grazes Jon's shoulder. A tiny blood stain forms there as a wet spot grows larger and larger on the crotch of his pants.)

CHRISTY: TAKE THIS, HEAT MISER!

(She shoots Heat Miser in the chest.)

HEAT MISER: NO! NOOOOOOOOO! YOU CAN'T KILL ME! I'M THE HEAT MISER! DEAR GOD NO!!!

(He keels over and dies.)

JON: Wow, THAT was anti-climactic.

MATTHEW: Tell me about it.

RUDOLPH: YOU DID IT! YOU SAVED ME!

CHRISTY: And Christmas!

MATTHEW: YAY! CHRISTY SAVED CHRISTMAS!

JON: HARDCO-

(Suddenly Rudolph's head explodes.)

JON: What the f***?

MATTHEW: ...You just shot Rudolph's head off.

JON: Holy crap... What the hell are we gonna do?

CHRISTY: Oh no! Christmas is ruined for real!

JON: Hey... maybe I can save everything with an inspirational speech!

(Jon steps forward and a red curtain closes behind him. He stands in front of the curtain, completely alone, and looks at the screen as a spotlight shines on him.)

JON (Directly to camera): And there were shepherds living out in the field nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were so afraid. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Jesus Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger. Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”

(The curtain is pulled back and Jon steps back to Matthew and Christy.)

JON: And that's what Christmas is all about, Christy.

(Matthew angrily takes out his machete and gets up in Jon's face and starts sharpening it. Shiiiink. Shiiiiink. Shink. Shiiiiiink.)

JON: ...Well, I tried. F***.

(Suddenly, the entire cast of Big Brother walks into the room. Yes, every person ever who's been in the house. There's big fat Bunky, evil doctor Will, that Asian chick, and even Eddie in his wheelchair.)

EDDIE: Wow guys, you f***ing saved Christmas! You all f***ing rock!

(Everybody cheers.)

CHRISTY: No, we ruined Christmas. Well, Jon did.

(They continue to cheer as if nobody said anything.)

MATTHEW: Hey, aren't you all from that show, Big Brother?

CURTIS: YEP!

(Silence.)

MATTHEW: ...What are you guys doing here?

DAVE: Hell was too full so they sent us all here.

(Suddenly, a lightbulb dings above Christy's head.)

CHRISTY: ...Wait a second, guys! This gives me an idea! Maybe we don't need Rudolph after all to save Christmas!

JON: What do you mean, Christy?

CHRISTY: Matt, do you have any razor blades on you?

MATTHEW: I sure do!

(He hands her a handful of razor blades.)

CHRISTY: GREAT! Step back you guys, this might take awhile...

(The entire cast of Big Brother looks at her with fear in their eyes as she approaches them.)

- - -
Tribal Council
- - -

(Sad music plays as Jan, Michael, Chad, Jerri, Rob, Amber and Santa file into the Tribal Council set. They all take their seats in front of Jeff as they look to the ground dejectedly.)

JEFF: Welcome to Tribal Council. After tonight, as you know, everything changes. From here on out, every person voted out will be a member of the jury who will decide who indeed does win this game. Pretty cool s***, ain’t it?

(They all mumble and mutter their responses.)

JEFF: Jan, what does it feel like being merged? Are you glad to have Immunity?

(Jan just looks at the ground and bursts into tears.)

JEFF: Don’t you all just love spending Christmas out here? You get to spend it away from your families, your jobs, your loved ones, and s***, even real presents! You get to spend it starving and watching me get drunk on egg nog, doesn’t the holiday season rock?

(Beat. More tears as Jeff drinks egg nog.)

JEFF: Now I’m sensing a definite lack of the Christmas spirit here, whatever is the matter?

SANTA: It’s been a bad night Jeff. Rudolph is gone, the Christmas Magic has never occurred, and we haven’t even had one convenient Christmas miracle. Without a miracle now, Christmas will have to be cancelled, and the Jews will take over the holiday season FOREVER!!!

(Even more crying and moans and wails from everyone else.)

JEFF: Why that sounds horrible, utterly, utterly horrible!

SANTA: You’re damn right it is! The world’s going to hate me and crucify me like the lord and savior, but without the multi-million tie in movie and book. We’re all up s*** creek here unless there’s a miracle.

(Beat.)

SANTA: Yeah, that’s right, I said we’re all up s*** creek here unless there’s a miracle.

(Beat.)

SANTA: I said-

MICHAEL: Sorry, but saying something’s gonna happen doesn’t mean that it will unfortunately.

SANTA: YOU’RE GOING TO FALL IN A FIRE SOON!

(Beat.)

MICHAEL: Touché, Mr. Claus. Touché.

(Another long beat. Santa looks down at his wristwatch and sighs.)

SANTA: I guess there’s not going to be a Christmas miracle after all.

(Yet another long beat.)

ROB: Why do you keep sitting and waiting there like that?

AMBER: Yeah, it’s getting to be pretty irritating.

SANTA: GOD, HAVEN’T ANY OF YOU EVER HEARD OF DRAMATIC TIMING?!?!? AAAAAAAARGH, YOU MAKE ME JUST WANT TO, GOD, AAAAAAAAARGH!!!

(Santa pulls out a sledgehammer and begins to pulverize the Tribal Council set, starting with Elf Jimmy, who is suddenly there.)

ELF JIMMY (As his head explodes): ARRRGH! MY BRAINS!

JEFF: It is indeed a dark Christmas. Where oh where is that miracle? Rudolph, why have you-

CHRISTY (OS): WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAITTT!!!!!

(Surely enough, Christy, Matthew and Jon all stand on the edge of a hot air balloon made from the flesh and bones of all the Big Brother cast members as it lands at the edge of the Tribal Council set.)

CHRISTY: Christmas can still happen! Rudolph is gone, but you can fly this! It’s a miracle! I have faith in Christmas again! I’m a miracle worker!

(Flash cut to that teacher lady next to a young Helen Keller.)

TEACHER LADY: No, I’m a miracle worker, you’re just a freak of nature. Isn't that right, Helen Keller?

HELEN KELLER: Naaaaamawaagabaloogr!

TEACHER LADY: You know I’m glad you can’t hear so I can call you a spoiled little c***.

(Flash cut back to Tribal Council.)

SANTA: Christy, you did it! The mission was a success! I’m sorry if I ever didn’t believe in you or lost faith in you or put a mob contract out on your head for being such an abysmal failure, you’re great!

(The rest of the tribe cheers as everyone is now smiling.)

MATTHEW: Hey, what about us?

JON: Yeah, what about me?

SANTA: No one gives a damn about you. You’re all superfluous characters that are lucky to have even been cast in the first place. F*** you.

(Beat.)

MATTHEW (Whispering to Jon): He has a good point.

(Santa then walks over to Christy.)

SANTA: Christy, thank you very much, you have no idea how much it means to me, and all the Christians of the world, that you saved Christmas, and because of that, I’ll give you anything in the world that you want.

(Beat.)

CHRISTY: WHAT?!

SANTA: I SAID I’LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING THAT YOU WANT IN THE WORLD!

CHRISTY: WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU, I’M DEAF!

SANTA: Oh screw this, I’ll just give you the ability to hear for just this Christmas eve.

(Santa creepily walks over to Christy and begins to make out heavily with her, then pushes her to the ground violently as they part.)

CHRISTY: Meesa can heers! Ize can heers! And meesa hurtings, whats my voice happen?

SANTA: Well, some side effects may occur, in exchange for giving you the ability to hear until midnight, you will also only be able to speak like Jar Jar Binks until then.

(Beat.)

CHRISTY: Yoosa una sick f***a Mista Cloz!

SANTA: Now I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have some presents to deliver!

(He hops aboard his new hot air balloon of flesh and blood before it flies off and into the night.)

SANTA: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

(A severed arm falls from the balloon and lands in the middle of the Tribal Council set.)

(The balloon flies off further.)

SANTA (OS): HO HO HO!

(We pan back to the castaways as they’re all beaming with the Christmas magic.)

JEFF: It truly has been an amazing, wonderful and enchanted evening. Now let’s kick someone off this damn rock. It’s time to vote; Jon, you’re up first.

(Jon goes up and writes down ‘DEAF GIRL’ in large letters before flashing his gang signs.)

JON: You may have saved Christmas, you think all is well, but suck my nuts biotch, I’ll see you in hell.

(He folds up the vote and places it in the urn. Amber and Matthew vote, though we see none of what they have to say. Christy is up next and scrawls out JON.)

CHRISTY (In her Jar Jar voice): Yoosa dinkin that yoosa funsy, but yousa reely notsa. Ima hopin forda Chrismissy miracle so wesa no needs yoosa anymores.

(Chad hobbles on over on his taffy leg, and scrawls out a name. We do not see what he has written, but we can hear what he has to say.)

CHAD: Michael, you’re a dirty, dirty whore, and I’d punch you in the ovaries and spill acid on your face if I knew I could get away with it without getting kicked out of the game. Then again, I could pretty much do anything and get away with it at this point, and, well, I think I’m gonna work on that later. Can’t vote you out now though, you’re a worthy foe and it would be without the Christmas Magic to see you go, so I’m just gonna vote out that little dips*** instead.

(He folds up his vote and walks away. Michael, Rob and Jerri all vote, but we don’t see or hear what they have decided. Jan is the last to vote, and writes out clearly in block letters: MENGSK.)

JAN: Curse you for betraying Kerrigan! A pox on you! A pox on you and your wretched Sons of Korhal!

(She folds up the vote and drops it in the voting urn. She skips giddily back to the main Tribal Council set as Jeff once again addresses the tribe.)

JEFF: You know, I don’t even know why I’m bothering anymore, you lazy bastards have all but taken away every reason I have to live, but in the spirit of the Christmas season, I’m going to give you all one more chance to see if you can redeem yourselves and actually vote out the correct person. I’m betting you’re all still a worthless bunch of lazy sons of bitches, but who knows, you might surprise me.

(He goes off to do his traditional disappearing and pretending there’s actually drama to the proceedings, but frankly there isn’t any real drama or suspense as it’s all just the producers milking the situation down to the last minute. Most everyone still looks nervous and is wringing their hands, though as always Fairplay flashes his gang signs as the camera passes by him. Jeff comes out, but now he’s beaming like a mayor at a groundbreaking ceremony.)

JEFF: You know, it’s a rare occasion when you people make me happy. Really, it is, half the time you have me on edge and the verge of swallowing a bullet.

ROB: Didn’t ya do that already? Like that time when you killed Rupert?

(Beat.)

JEFF: That didn’t happen.

(Silence. Crickets chirp.)

JEFF: Moving on though, for once you people have made me happy and given me will to live, and you made the RIGHT decision, the right and perfect decision, it’s like, almost a Christmas Miracle. Dare I say, it may very well be one. Anyhow, I’ll read the votes, you know how this s*** goes so I won’t drag it out any longer.

(He pulls out the vote reading Mengsk.)

JEFF: "Mengsk," whoever the hell that is.

(Jan just sits by and giggles.)

JEFF: If she makes it past the next episode I swear I’m gonna kill a drifter. Next vote, "Deaf Girl." Next vote, well, actually they’re the next seven votes, but they’re all for Jon. Fairplay, get your scrawny little ass up here.

(Inspirational Christmasy music plays as Jon walks up to the host with his torch. The whole tribe looks on satisfied, except for Chad who looks shocked as ever.)

JEFF: Jon, the tribe has spoken…

(He snuffs Jon’s torch.)

(Cut to the North Pole, where a bunch of elves sitting around a TV watch the Tribal Council.)

ELF BILLY (Merrily): They voted him out!

ELF JIMMY (Merrily): It’s a miracle!

(They all start dancing and cheering around as they watch Jon’s dejected face cross the TV. We fade over to New York City, where thousands of revelers stand in Times Square and cheer and dance as they watch Jon being voted out. Even more in Los Angeles stand out by the Staples Center watching a large screen TV of Jon getting voted out. In Paris, Moscow, Vancouver, Rio de Janeiro, Sydney, they all celebrate and cheer for Jon’s departure.)

(We then cut to the planet Tatooine where a bunch of rebel troops dance the night away in the desert.)

(Then the planet Coruscant. The belittled people of the planet push over a forty foot statue of Jon and cheer wildly. A gungan stands tall over them all.)

GUNGAN: WESA FREE!

(Then the Ewok planet. Ewoks dance, cheer, and play their Ewok drums.)

(As we cut back to Tribal Council, Jeff waves Jon away.)

JEFF: You may be the first member of our jury, but until then get the f*** out of MY Tribal Council. Go on, get out of here you little pussy worm.

(Jon turns around to face the tribe and flips them off.)

JON: F*** YOU!!! F*** ALL OF YOU!!! I’M BETTER THAN YOU AND YOU ALL KNOW IT BUT YOU’RE ALL TOO F***ING STUPID TO RECOGNIZE IT I’M GONNA F***ING KICK ALL YOUR ASSES ‘CAUSE I’M ON THE JURY NOW AND THERE’S NOTHING ANY OF YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!!! HAAAAA HAAAA!!!! YEAH, YOU KNOW IT I F-

(Jeff slams one of the giant decorative candy canes across Jon’s face, then against his chest, thereby knocking him down the Tribal Council steps to the walk of shame.)

JEFF: You know, I must admit I find this to be rather refreshing. Christmas Magic has already given us two patented Christmas miracles. First the deaf girl saves Christmas and then regains the ability to hear.

(Pan over to Christy.)

CHRISTY (Still in her Jar Jar voice): Meesa wants to slit mine ownsa f***ingsa wrists. Cants stands the noises coming from meesa mouf!

(Pan back to Jeff.)

JEFF: And then the second miracle: you guys actually thought a vote out and eliminated Jonny Fairplay.

JON (OS): WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! HARDCORE MUTHAF***AS!!!

JEFF: But that’s the funny thing, Christmas Miracles tend to come in threes and only two have happened, what about the third?

(Lightning crackles in the background as everyone looks over to Amber.)

JERRI: Oh my god!

MATTHEW: What happened to its face?

JAN: Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!1111

CHAD: What is it?

(As the shadows clear from Amber’s face, we clearly see that she looks absolutely the same, yet now sports a goatee and is wearing a flanel shirt.)

MICHAEL: I think… it's... it's...

MANBER: Hi.

MICHAEL: IT'S MANBER!!!

(Lightning crackles across the background once more.)

TO BE CONTINUED…

A Lapointe-Carter Joint
From us to you, Merry Christmas, Happy Chanuka, Krunchy Kwanzaa and a Festive Festivus! Peace on Earth and good will towards men. But not women.

= = =
JON'S FINAL WORDS
= = =

JON: Oh come on, you guys didn’t see this coming? It’s not like I could say “WOOOOOOOOO, I’M HARDCORE!!!” every episode and then just flash my gang signs and prove myself to be an original character. Please, I’m one of the worst people ever to live on the planet. I didn’t deserve to even live this long let alone make it this far in the game. Christmas miracle my ass.

= = =
NEXT TIME ON SUPER-VIVOR!
= = =

(A night visiony shot of the tribe with Manber walking back from Tribal Council.)

ANNOUNCER (VO): We’re down to eight, and it’s anyone’s game!

(Manber jumps up and down in slow motions as its boobies bounce.)

ANNOUNCER (VO): We have no clue what the hell is with this thing, but you get the idea.

(Manber makes out with Rob.)

ROB: YOU'RE SO MASCULINE! I LOVE IT!

ANNOUNCER (VO): The challenges are getting harder!

(A shot of Rob trying desperately to throw a ping pong ball into a shotglass.)

CHAD: Come on Rob, you can make it!

(Rob misses.)

JEFF: OK Rob, you know the rules.

(Rob nods, then pulls out a cleaver as he prepares to cut off a finger.)

ANNOUNCER (VO): The game, more personal!

(Opening their crate, someone pulls out a granola bar.)

MATTHEW: Whoa, someone smuggled food into the game!

(We pan over to Christy who has crumbs and flecks of foil from wrappers all over her shirt.)

CHRISTY: What’s everybody looking at me for?

ANNOUNCER (VO): And the secrets behind the most bitter rival in Survivor history are going to be revealed!

MICHAEL (Confessional): And THAT is why I gave Chad leg cancer!

ANNOUNCER (VO): SUPER-VIVOR! Wednesdays at 8!

Hey everyone (or at least the two or three people who actually read the story), Matt here. Now I know we tend to aim for the gut and that our humor tends to be some of the most tasteless around, so please don't take what's coming up next as if it's one of our jokes, since it isn't. Last night Marcy's grandfather came down with a bad bout of pneumonia and slipped into a diabetic coma. Considering the fact that he has already been suffering from a number of ailments, this might be one step closer to the end.

Because of this, we have put the story on hiatus so that Marcy may spend more time with his family. To any of you who read our original Ultimate Survivor, please don't interpret this as a hiatus similar to our last one (i.e. the story dying while on said hiatus.) Super-vivor will finish and a winner will be crowned, but not in time with Palau like we had originally intended.

Super-vivor will return, but until then, our thoughts and prayers are with Marcy and his family.

Respectfully submitted,

Matt Carter