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SUPER-VIVOR!
EPISODE TEN
MATTHEW TRIPS BALLS
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(Authors Note: Any and all references/anecdotes about the castaways and their lives outside of the game, as well as the depictions of the castaways herein, as well as any references/anecdotes to their previous "Survivor" experiences are all purely fictitious and based around stereotypes from the show. We also apologize ahead of time to the people of the nation of Australia since, well, you’ll find out when it happens. This is entirely fictitious and meant for entertainment purposes solely. Also, some material in this story may be extremely offensive to people of different genders, races, disabilities and sexual preferences. Marcy and Matt (the authors, Marcy being a big gay Canadian and Matt being a tree-hugging liberal pussy) love everybody equally so no harm is meant. If any Survivors actually happen to read this story, please don’t kill us or sue us. We love you all, and this is all just meant in good fun.)
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- - -
The Aborted Whale Fetus Tribe
Manber Brkich, Chad Crittenden, Christy Smith, Jan Gentry, Jerri Manthey, Matthew Von Ertfelda, Michael Skupin, Rob Mariano
- - -

(Fade in the tribe at Tribal Council, looking at the all-new Manber

ANNOUNCER: Last time, on a very special episode of Super-Vivor...

JEFF: Christmas Miracles tend to come in threes and only two have happened, what about the third?

(Lightning crackles in the background as everyone looks over to Amber.)

CHAD: What is it?

(As the shadows clear from Amber’s face, we clearly see that she looks absolutely the same, yet now sports a goatee and is wearing a flanel shirt.)

MICHAEL: I think… it's... it's...

MANBER: Hi.

MICHAEL: IT'S MANBER!!!

(Lightning crackles across the background once more.)

(Cut to Jon holding Jerri's lifeless body, lying on the floor with blood everywhere.)

JON: WHYYYYYYYYY?! PLEASE DON'T DIE!

(Cut to Mork and Mindy in a big cave. Mork is holding something big and metal.)

MORK: Okay Mindy, we'll set this time machine up...

MINDY: But how do we know it'll bring us back to 1982?

MORK: We don't.

MINDY: Uh oh!

(Cut to Klinger from M*A*S*H* sitting in a jail cell.)

KLINGER: Oh no! I can't be in jail while my wife is giving birth!

(Cut to a big black guy finding a pregnancy test on counter in a washroom.)

JEROME: Oh no! Moesha might be pregnant!

(Cut to Terri Hatcher and a man in a Superman costume opening a door to find a baby in a basket.)

TERRI HATCHER: Aw! He's so cute!

SUPERMAN: I'm Dean Cain.

(Cut to Mallory, Rembrandt, Maggie and That Black Chick in a creepy room with Kromagg technology everywhere. A big crazy red portal swirls around in front of them.)

MAGGIE: But how will you defeat the Kromaggs?!

REMBRANDT (Holding up a needle): I'll inject this ANTIDOTE into my skin!

(He does so.)

THAT BLACK CHICK: But will you survive the crazy Kromagg portal?!

REMBRANDT: Sure, why not?

(He jumps in the crazy portal and then the "SUPER-VIVOR!" is spelled out in slanty white letters against a black background, "Sliders" style.)

(Dramatic Ancient Voices music kicks in as we get some images of Australia. Crocodiles looking angry. Snakes swimming in the river. Wombats fighting. Big Tom dancing merrily.)

"23 ALL-STARS"

(A crate with Rupert’s Angels written on it hits the water.)

COLLEEN, behind a bunch of flies. Rob Schneider looks on in the background and smiles.

RUPERT, breaking through the ocean like Poseidon, god of the seas. A huge trumpet fanfare greets him as he jumps out of the water.

ELIZA, looking particularly bony with her mouth open like a large-mouthed bass.

JERRI, a picture of Linda Blair from the Exorcist.

CHRISTY, the music gets real loud as Christy’s picture crosses the screen. "(CLOSED CAPTIONED FOR THE HEARING IMPAIRED.)"

(Shot of people jumping off a cliff for some reason. They pile up in a bloody heap on the ground as dramatic music accentuates the shot.)

CLAY, showing a picture of the top of his head. Fades into view of him in a challenge, where we only see his forehead bobbing up and down.

RUDY, looking very old.

LILLIAN, looking older. She cries.

JAN, looking even older, then fading in and out and looking like a wrinkly five year old. She cries as a SURVIVOR CAFÉ sign is visible in the background.

VECEPIA, sitting in a hammock. She yawns.

CHAD, running in a challenge with his fake leg visible, then hopping around as he swats at flies with his fake leg.

(Shot of a platypus just sitting there. More of Big Tom dancing.)

"A WHOLE LOTTA DAYS"

(The name S*** Tribe appears on a map.)

RORY, a shot of LeVar Burton getting whipped in Roots.

KATHY, squatting on the ground.

SANDRA, looking angry and shouting.

LEX, carving tattoos into his knuckles with the top of a tin can.

MICHAEL, a picture of the Human Torch.

AMBER, just a long holding shot on her picture that fades in and out as if it’s particularly important.

ROB, beating his grandmother with a tire iron. He giggles.

SUSAN, looking angry and shouting. A banjo riff goes off in the music as her picture fades in and out and morphs into Mecha-Susan.

MATTHEW, repeatedly slashing some helpless animal with a straight razor, then drinking a gallon of blood during a challenge.

(A shot of the production camp littered with empty beer cans.)

JON, running by and flashing his gang signs.

COLBY, grating cheese on his abs.

RICHARD, grating cheese on Colby’s abs.

RUPERT, now framed to look like Zeus, because we just can’t get enough of him.

(A shot of people digging a hole for some reason.)

ONE SUPER-VIVOR!

(A bunch of people covered in mud walking to Tribal Council.)

(Lots of swirling shots of fire, people and Tribal Council as the SUPER-VIVOR! logo comes up.)

(Quick shot of Boris Yeltsin in Elisabeth’s headdress. Foreshadowing?!?!?)

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NIGHT TWENTY SEVEN
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- - -
Tribal Council
- - -

(Fade in on the Tribal Council. The Aborted Whale Fetus tribe sits on their little stump stools in shock, as Amber stands tall, now wearing a flannel shirt and sporting a nifty goatee, like George Lucas with hooters.)

JERRI: Oh my god!

MATTHEW: What happened to its face?

JAN: Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

CHAD: What is it?

MICHAEL: I think… it's... it's...

MANBER: Hi.

MICHAEL: IT'S MANBER!!!

(Lightning crackles across the background once more as a dramatic music sting that lasts at leasts two minutes straight goes off.)

JEFF: Okay... Okay... um... I think I speak for everyone when I say WHAT THE F*** IS MANBER?!

MICHAEL: Oh, that's an easy question. It's obviously the male equivalent of Amber. As you can see, the miracle of Christmas-

JEFF (Looking around): Hey, where'd all the snow go?

JERRI: Yeah, it's not snowing anymore!

ROB: Maybe Christmas is over.

JERRI: Neat.

MICHAEL: AS I WAS SAYING, ya damn twats, as you can see, the miracle of Christmas-

JERRI: It's not Christmas anymore.

MICHAEL: A MIRACLE TURNED AMBER INTO A MAN!

CHAD: But that doesn't make any sense! Why would Amber suddenly be a man and why would you be the only person privy to the secret of her so-called "miraculous" transformation?

MICHAEL: Well, to answer your second question while completely ignoring your first, the reason I am the only person here who realizes that Amber has become the male equivalent of herself is because I am clearly, clearly, more intelligent than you. Remember, I am Survivor. Chad, clearly the cancer ate your brain and your leg.

CHAD: ...That's tasteless and immature. Not to mention insanely politically incorrect.

MICHAEL: ...Nigger.

ROB: Wait, wait, wait. Ah think ah understand the basics. So Ambah has a penis now?

MICHAEL: Yes. It appears so.

ROB: ...And why is that?

MICHAEL: Because a Christmas-

JERRI: It's not Christmas.

MICHAEL: Because a miracle occurred.

ROB: But I can still have sex with her, right?

MICHAEL: Sure. But it'll be dirty and you'll get poop on your naughty bits.

(Beat.)

ROB: Man, Ambah never fails to impress me!

(Silence. Crickets chirp.)

JEFF (Pointing at Rob): Fag.

(Cut to:)

- - -
Aborted Whale Fetus Tribe
- - -

(The Aborted Whale Fetus Tribe treks back to camp, one by one, as night vision makes them all spooky looking and rain pours down upon them.)

MATTHEW: So, Manber, how does it feel to be a man now?

(Manber looks at him blankly and blinks a couple of times.)

MICHAEL: Yeah, it must be hard having to adjust to having your genitals on the outside, huh?

(Amber says nothing.)

CHAD: I still don't get this! Why would Amber suddenly be turned into a man?

MICHAEL: Not everything has a reason, Chad. You of all people should know that.

CHAD: Why do you say that?

MICHAEL: Well... I mean... cancer took your leg away. Obviously it happened for no real reason. And you suffered, too. It's just like Manber. God does whatever he wants. He works in mysterious ways! Sometimes he turns women into men, and sometimes he gives bald assholes who think they're better than Michael the cancer they deserve... or don't... depending upon the circumstance. (awkward beat) I fell in a fire.

CHAD: Dammit, Michael, you act like you know everything. Didn't I tell you about how I really got cancer?

MICHAEL: ...Nope.

CHAD: God came to cancer a week before I was diagnosed and told cancer to build an ark out of legs. And I was chosen as the first leg-donor for Cancer's Ark. But then God forgot to flood the world because he was masturbating to kiddie porn so the whole thing was kind of pointless.

MICHAEL: See what I mean? Not necessarily everything happens for a reason, Chad!

CHAD: BUT WHY IS AMBER A MAN?!

(Beat. Michael slaps Chad.)

MATTHEW (Confessional): This game sure did take a wacky turn when Amber had her life long wish come true and was granted a marvelous sausage by God almighty. Strategically it puts her in an advantage now because if anyone refuses to join an alliance with her she can slap us in the face with her Johnson.

(Beat.)

MATTHEW (Confessional): And she's hot.

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DAY TWENTY EIGHT
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- - -
Aborted Whale Fetus Tribe
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(Open up on a shot of a massive forest fire burning trees left, right and center. Koalas and wallabies run away from the danger. Pan over The Aborted Whale Fetus Tribe. Jerri stands near the river, looking over at the fire.)

JERRI (To camera): It's horrible... you can smell the smoke and see the trees falling over. I think there's a chance that the fire might jump the river and kill us!

(Michael walks up to her.)

MICHAEL: Fires can't jump.

JERRI: Isn't that a movie?

MICHAEL: No, that's White Men Can't Jump.

JERRI: Same thing.

(Pan over to show Jan sitting by the river, staring at them with a big sulky look on her face.)

JAN (Confessional): Coming back from Tribal Council, I really realized that I was the underdog! You can see with the last two votes since us Outcasts got in the game, there's been a pattern...

(Shot of Colleen's torch being doused with the beer, and then Jon's, then Rupert's, then Kathy getting into a boat.)

JAN (Confessional): With Rupert and Kathy leaving, Colleen being voted out, and then Jon, I could see clearly that I was next. They're voting off the sweethearts! SWEET JESUS NO! Now I'm Jan the Underdog!

(Cut to Jan making the words "JAN U." on her shirt with tape.)

CHAD: Say, what are you doing there, Jan?

JAN: I have decided that I am the underdog now so to make sure I don't get voted off, I'm calling attention to myself by calling myself Jan the Underdog and taping "Jan U." to my shirt.

CHAD: Oh. That's neat. You're old.

JERRI (Confessional): Jan U. has really been whining alot since we voted Jon out. I mean, I really don't understand what her problem is. Jon never even got along with Jan U. In fact, I don't think she gets along with anybody because most of the time she's running around doing things that don't make any sense because that's what people with alzheimers do. F***ing bastards should all just die. Just because they can't think properly doesn't mean they should be allowed to ruin our economy with all their medical bills. GOD!

(Beat.)

JERRI (Confessional): WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY LIKE ME?! I'M SUCH A NICE PERSON! THE BITCHY PERSONA IS JUST A CREATION OF THE EDITING! ARRRRGH!

(Zoom out. Jerri is standing next to Jesus Christ, lying on his cross. She holds up a hammer and three big long nails.)

JERRI (Confessional): (Nailing the first nail) WHY?! (Nailing the second nail as blood spatters and Jesus screams out in agony) WHY?! (Nailing the third nail) WHY?!

(She raises the cross and spits on Jesus.)

JESUS (Weakly): It is... ACCOMPLISHED.

(He gasps and dies.)

JERRI (Confessional): ...So in conclusion, Jan U's a stupid tramp.

(Cut to Matthew, walking through the forest with Christy.)

CHRISTY: So, Matt, where was it you said the water hole was?

MATTHEW: Oh, it's over in my cabin in the @#%$ of the woods. WHERE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM.

CHRISTY: WHAT?!

MATTHEW: I said, "Care for some chocolate ice cream?"

CHRISTY: WHAT?!

MATTHEW: ...I'm certainly not going to kill you, that's for sure.

(He whips out his machete and starts sharpening it. Shink... shink... shink... shiiiiiiiink.)

MATTHEW: Anywways, in case you're wondering why I chose to take you on this water run, besides the obvious fact that I'm going to remove your skin and make myself a woman suit to go shopping for lingerie with, and, well, my rapidly becoming serious issue with licking hallucinogenic frogs, is, well... I think Jan U. is up to something.

CHRISTY: WHAT?!

MATTHEW: Christ, do I always have to repeat myself?!

(Shiiiiiiiiiink.)

CHRISTY: No, no, no, I read your lips that time. I was just shocked. What makes you think Jan U. is up to something?

MATTHEW: Well, she's a Vegas showgirl. Vegas showgirls are always up to something.

CHRISTY: WHAT?! She's a showgirl?

MATTHEW: Of course, haven't you seen that movie?

(Cut to a movie theater with "SHOWGIRLS!!!" written on the display.)

(Int. Movie Theater, on the screen we can see Jan walking down a dark and shady looking street, wearing scantily clad clothing and holding her purse. A creepy guy follows her.)

CREEPY GUY: Why did you stop hooking, Jan U.? You had your future pretty well mapped out for yourself

JAN: I did what I had to do.

CREEPY GUY: Just like you did with Cristal.

JAN: I'm not a whore.

CREEPY GUY: No... you're not. You're gonna be a big star. Your face is gonna be up on billboards! You're gonna make a lot of money for the Stardust!

JAN: What about Molly?

CREEPY GUY: I'll make sure he gives her enough money, she can have a dress shop. Tell me something, how much did you charge?

(Jan stares at him for a couple of seconds, not sure what to say.)

CREEPY GUY: Hooking

JAN: Fifty. Hundred sometimes.

CREEPY GUY: You got low self-esteem baby, you're a fantastic f***.

(Beat.)

CREEPY GUY: What the f*** am I talking about? Your vagina is like that sand creature from Star Wars. You know, that one that ate Boba Fett?

(Beat.)

CREEPY GUY: Jesus Christ, why was Boba Fett even in the movie? He was in the films for all of five seconds, and all he does is DIE!!! And why the F*** do all these internet geeks make him out to be the next savior of the universe!!! He’s just a guy who fell in a HOLE!!! His action figure was taken off the market! GOD!!!

(Beat.)

CREEPY GUY: God, I hope you die of old age soon.

(Cut back to Christy and Matthew.)

CHRISTY: You're right, Matthew! We should totally vote out Jan U.!

MATTHEW: Hooray!

CHRISTY: But because I'm deaf, I didn't hear a word you said, so I'm going to vote for someone more likeable instead. Like... um... Jerri.

MATTHEW: ...What? That doesn't make sense.

CHRISTY: Jan U.'s useless. So let's give her more of a chance to win the million dollars!

MATTHEW: Hmm... brilliant plan! I take back everything I said in the last few minutes.

CHRISTY: And I take back everything I didn't hear!

(Zoom out. They're standing next to the Tree Mail box.)

MATTHEW: Hey, look, Tree Mail. That's convenient. Sweet bliss!

(Matthew removes a scroll.)

MATTHEW: "Today is a food auction because we love spoiling you guys. God, surviving out in the wilderness is hard, eh?"

(Matthew takes out a can of Mountain Dew and takes a swig.)

MATTHEW: It sure is! (Continuing to read.) "You will each be given a thousand dollars to bid on food items. Have fun!" Sweet bliss this sounds exciting!

(Christy grabs the scroll and looks at it.)

CHRISTY: Yeah, but man, this poem is really lame.

MATTHEW: Yeah, good point. It's almost as lame as Sean Desmond.

(Beat, Matthew and Christy stare straight at the camera for a few seconds.)

MATTHEW (Directly to the audience): Hey hey hey, you know it's true.

- - -
Challenge Beach
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(The eight tribe members walk on in enthusiastically as Probst is quite obviously smoking some crystal meth. He doesn’t seem to notice or care as they all sit and watch him. He continues smoking, enjoying as his eyes roll back into his skull.)

JEFF: Oh yeah baby, that’s the stuff.

(He smokes some more, coughs loudly.)

JEFF: You know that’s sweet. Yeah, yeah, YEAH!

(Jeff tosses his pipe to the side.)

JEFF: All right, on to today’s challenge. And yes, I did just cream my pants.

(Awkward silence.)

JEFF: Anyway, today’s the auction, I’d explain the rules but who really gives a s*** anymore? Spend some money so I can get the hell out of here. So who wants to buy my soiled pants?

(Awkward silence.)

JEFF: Really, that is the first item up for bids.

(Silence.)

JEFF: Oh f*** you guys.

(We go through the standard montage of auction things being won.)

JEFF: Live cow to Christy.

(Gavel hit.)

JEFF: Burlap sack full of pizza to Manber.

(Gavel hit.)

JEFF: More hallucinogenic frogs to Matthew!

(Gavel hit.)

JEFF: Another random gag item that seems completely out of nowhere so it must be wacky and zany and it’ll make anyone and everyone who reads this story laugh like mad because it’s so wacky and zany and horribly out of place to Rob!

(Gavel hit.)

JEFF: Now, I know that you’re all looking for something special, and, well, we’re here to provide. We have a five minute long phone call home. Any takers.

(Long pause.)

JEFF: Oh come on, somebody has to want to call home.

(Long pause.)

ROB (Insert shot obviously filmed several months later): Dude, our families hate us.

JEFF (Another obvious insert shot of Jeff’s response as he wears a speedo): Good point. Anyone want it? Come on, anyone? Free phone call home, no roaming charges?

(Another long pause. Most people are just staring off into space. Jan U. falls out of her chair.)

JEFF: All right, Jan U. bids all her money on the phone call home!

JAN U.: I did?

JEFF: Damn right bitch, let’s get this over with.

(Jan U. walks confusedly over to Jeff and hands over all her money. He hands her a cell phone. She dials gleefully.)

(Cut to Jan’s home. Her son sits on the floor creepily staring at the telephone. In the background, a burlap sack flops about on the floor at the sound of the ring. Her son giggles.)

(Cut back to Jan U.)

JAN U.: Nobody’s home.

JEFF: Well, since nobody really gives a s*** that you’re here I can understand. I honestly don’t think your family would report you missing if they found your severed finger in bed.

(Awkward silence.)

JEFF: Moving on, we have one video from home. What am I bid?

(Standard bidding montage that Chad naturally wins, since let’s face it, he’s Chad. He bounds on over to Jeff and trades over his money.)

JEFF: All right Chad, you won this video tape from your wife and children fair and square. However, you can trade it out for five minutes with this baseball bat…

(He hands Chad a dull and bloodied baseball bat.)

JEFF: And Andy Dick.

(Andy Dick appears behind Probst and waves merrily.)

JEFF: Your choice.

(Long beat. Chad looks between the video and Andy Dick for a long time.)

CHAD: Well, this choice seems obvious.

(Chad walks menacingly towards Jeff and Andy Dick.)

(Cut to: some time later…)

(Chad and Andy Dick sit on a tied up, beaten and gagged Jeff Probst as they watch Chad’s video from home and laugh raucously.)

CHAD: Man, this is the best challenge ever!

= = =
DAY TWENTY NINE
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(The sun rises over the Australian Outback in dramatic fashion. We know it’s dramatic because the music swells up like it’s something really important, when it’s really just like any other sunrise you’d see pretty much anywhere in the world. The only difference here is that it’s over the Australian Outback and on an American reality show full of people who could give a rats ass that they’re in one of the deadliest countries in the world and instead are just fighting and bickering over how much weight they’ve lost while people are starving. PEOPLE ARE STARVING ALL OVER THE PLACE MAN, AND THESE PEOPLE ARE BITCHING ABOUT RICE!!! RICE!!! There’s villages out there man where they’d kill just to smell rice man, they’re in the trees, THEY’RE IN THE TREES!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THEY’RE IN THE TREES!!! Anyhow, the sun rises.)

(We cut to Michael down by the river cleaning a fish he has just managed to kill. Matthew and Chad sit behind him carving similar spears.)

MICHAEL (to camera): Rob and Manber are going to get married soon, and being the responsible married men that we are, well, except Matt since no woman would be dumb enough to even look at him. You know, lest he flat them and make a suit out of their skin while he dances around tucking his surprisingly large man meat between his legs.

MATTHEW (enthusiastically): You betcha!

MICHAEL (to camera): Well, Matthew, myself and the one leg wonder feel it’s in Rob’s best interests if we throw him a bachelor’s party.

CHAD: He’s gonna be so whipped for the rest of his life he don’t even know it, I mean, look at me, I’m married and every day I wake up alive I want to just put a bullet right through my skull and paint the walls with my brains just to show the bitch whose boss.

MICHAEL: Right you are Chad. At any rate, we’re giving Rob his one last chance at manhood before his penis falls off and into Manber’s pockets. We’re gonna have a rockin good time, some merry hijinks, and a lot of alcohol. It’ll be hilarious. Bachelor Party’s rock!

MATTHEW: Yeah! Like that Tom Hanks movie! (beat) You know, Philadelphia?

(Cut to Tom Hanks in Denzel Washington’s office. Denzel shakes his hand.)

DENZEL: Jesus Christ, what happened to you?

TOM: I have AIDS.

(Denzel pulls his hand away.)

DENZEL: Sorry, I, uh…

TOM: It’s OK. Can I sit down?

DENZEL: Uh, yeah.

(Tom sits down, looks at cigars on Denzel’s desk.)

TOM: New baby?

DENZEL: One week old.

TOM: Congratulations.

DENZEL: Little baby girl.

TOM: Kids are great.

DENZEL: Thanks Beckett, I’m re-

(Some random dude bursts through the wall in a Hawaiian shirt and holding a keg of beer.)

HAWAIIAN SHIRT DUDE: WOOOOO!!! WE’RE THROWIN A PARTY WITH CHICKS AND BOOZE AND GUNS AND FIRE TRUCKS AND HOOKERS AND DRUGS AND BOOZE!!! (he takes a swig of the beer) WHO WANTS TO WATCH SOME LADY F*** A DONKEY BEFORE IT OD’S ON PILLS?

TOM: Oh you know I do!!!

(He strips off his shirt and runs to the other guy.)

TOM (OS): AIDS RULES!!!

(Cut back to the three guys on the beach.)

MATTHEW: We have to do this right though. (licks frog)

CHAD: Yeah, let’s do it like all our friends did.

(Beat.)

MICHAEL: I’ve never had friends.

CHAD: With good reason. All right guys, let’s do this.

(Cut to the shelter. The three men burst in holding machine guns and clad in ski masks as they blast round after round into the ceiling. Rob looks up bewildered.)

ROB: What the-

CHAD (scary voice): SHUTUP OR SO HELP ME GOD I’LL BURN THIS SHELTER!!!

MATTHEW (scary voice): YEAH, WE’LL BURN YOU REAL GOOD!!!

MICHAEL (scary voice): I AM SURVIVOR!!!

(They run in and smash Rob in the face repeatedly with their machine guns. Matthew quickly ties up Rob’s hands and drags him from the shelter as they pull him into the back door of a nearby van. As they hoist him in, Chad kicks Rob in the balls with his robo-leg. As they throw him in the back of the creepy van, the guys all jump in and close the doors as they speed off.)

(Cut back to the shelter. None of the women seem to have noticed.)

(Some time later in the shelter. Christy finally rouses.)

CHRISTY: Hey, what happened to the guys?

(Cut to the back of the dingy van. Rob, Matthew and Michael all laugh as they roll about in the back.)

ROB: Man, that was fun!

MATTHEW: You shoulda seen the look on your face!

MICHAEL: Yeah, remember that time I fell in the fire?

(Pan over to Chad who is sitting in the back of the van with them.)

CHAD: And that time I kicked you in the balls with my robotic leg!

(They all look at him a bit confusedly.)

MICHAEL: Weren’t you driving?

CHAD: Nah, just those guys we usually get to drive us to challenges and Tribal Councils and 7-11. That, and people with disabilities can’t drive.

MICHAEL: True enough.

(Beat.)

MICHAEL: Remember that time I fell in the fire?

(Beat.)

ROB: So, thank ya guys for takin me out on a bachelor party and all, but I gotta ask, where are we goin?

CHAD: We’re going to the greatest place on Earth. We’re going to Tijuana!

(Cut to St. Louis, Missouri. The guys now all sit in a jeep as they drive it in wild circles around on some random suburban front yard, screeching like banshees as they hurl bottles of whiskey every which way. From one of the windows, Tijuana from Survivor: Pearl Islands stands and looks on mournfully.)

MATTHEW (yelling): WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! BACHELOR PARTY!!!!!!

ROB (yelling): THIS RUULLLLESSSSSSS!!!!!!

MICHAEL (yelling): YOU WERE A SUPERFLUOUS CHARACTER WHO DIDN’T BELONG THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!

CHAD (yelling): SUPERFLUOUS, WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

(A single tear rolls down Tijuana’s cheek.)

(Cut back to Australia. The girls wander around the Outback picking up stray bits of fruit and the occasional dead koala.)

CHRISTY (confessional): Well when the guys disappeared for the day we didn’t have a whole lot better to do except have a girls day out. Well, three girls and Manber since we don’t know what that really is. All right, Jan U.’s no really a girl either, since we don’t know what that is either. Come to think about it, Jerri’s more of a bitch than a girl, and since I’m a human freak of nature I guess I don’t count either. Either way, we were out. God hates me.

(The four continue their walk.)

JERRI: So I was thinking, that if the four of us stick together, we could really win this game.

MANBER: That’s a good idea!

JERRI: I know, I’m smart. At any rate, if we all stick together and none of us vote for each other we can have this thing called an alliance.

MANBER: Wow!

JERRI: And if everything goes well, the four of us will be in the final four! Jerri, Christy, Manber and Jan U.! We’ll all win it!

(Jan U. looks over angrily to Jerri.)

JAN U.: YOU’RE NEVER INCLUDING ME! ALL I TRY TO DO IS REACH OUT TO PEOPLE AND TRY TO FIT IN AND EVERYONE DISRESPECTS ME AND LEAVES ME OUT OF THEIR PLANS! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO FIT IN WITH YOU PEOPLE!

(She throws her fruit to the ground.)

JAN U.: F*** THIS, I’M LEAVING!

(Beat.)

JERRI: What a bitch!

(Walking along through the dry brush, they find a mud volcano jutting out of nowhere. Since, well, it wouldn’t be Survivor without a mud volcano somewhere.)

MANBER: Hey everyone, wanna frolic around in the mud volcano in a homoerotic manner that is certain to get ratings at the expense of our souls?

CHRISTY: Yay! Butterflies!

JERRI: I’ve got a better idea, let’s go to the Nude Jell-O Wrestling Volcano instead!

(We pan over to see another view of a sign saying “Nude Jell-O Wrestling Volcano.”)

MANBER: Well, naturally.

(They all strip down as standard made-for-cable porn music plays in the background, following them as they run into the Jell-O.)

(Cut back to Tijuana’s front yard. The guys are now chipping golf balls through her window as she rolls around in a ball in the corner.)

TIJUANA: Please make them stop!

(Another ball blasts its way in and destroys her TV.)

CHAD: Man, this game rules!

(Chips another ball inside and hits her dog.)

ROB (very drunk): I love you guys, I really, really love you guys.

(Matthew takes another lick from one of his hallucinogenic frogs.)

ROB: Now let’s eat some beetles, whaddya guys think?

MICHAEL: Wooo, Beetles!

(Out of nowhere they procure large plates of beetles and start chowing down. Matthew looks on confusedly as the whole world begins to bleed brightly colored paint.)

MICHAEL (with bits of beetle dropping from his mouth): Hey Matthew? You’re tripping balls, just go with it or you’ll wind up really f***ed up.

(Suddenly Michael unhinges his jaw and swallows Matthew whole. Matthew floats through a black hole of space surrounded by all sorts of random mathematical equations as we zoom in on his eye.)

(MONTAGE: (set to “Getting Jiggy With It.”, most of the images unless otherwise indicated look like they’re in black and white a la that Ring video.)

(Butterflies floating around.)

(Boba Fett getting kicked in the crotch.)

(Rupert dancing.)

(A nun shaving her legs.)

(Peaceful waterfall.)

(Kitties.)

(Jerri yelling at Colleen.)

JERRI: I SAID EAT THE NUN BITCH!

(Two midgets leading a cow into a room backwards.)

(Gomez Addams juggling knives.)

(That scene from The Day After Tomorrow where the tornado destroys the Hollywood sign.)

(Jeff Probst digging a hole through the Earth.)

JEFF: GOD this was a bad idea. SERIOUSLY, who the hell thought this one up? I mean, I thought that pissing on that electric fence was dumb, but this, GOD, who the hell thought this one up? The writers oughta all die from cancer.

(Janet Reno waltzing with Godzilla.)

(An orangutan munching on some fruit.)

(Chewbacca trying out for American Idol.)

(Some random dude yodeling.)

(A centipede crawling out from underneath a table.)

(A cat vomits up thousands of credit cards.)

(Turtles.)

(Pinnochio.)

(Phil Keoghan standing at the pit stop in Argentina.)

PHIL: Susan and Patrick, you are the last team to arrive. I’m sorry to say you’ve both been eliminated.

(Beat.)

(Patrick pulls out a gun.)

PATRICK: DIE MOTHERF***ER!!!

(He fires all his bullets at Phil and misses.)

PHIL: Dear God you’re a dumb bitch.

(More kitties.)

(Shots from Thriller.)

MICHAEL JACKSON (singing): Just vote not guilty, WOOOOO, no no no no guilt, yeah sure I touched those kiddies but I’ll get off ‘cause I’m rich and this is Thriller, WOOOOO!

(Water falling up a flight of stairs.)

(An eye opens. We pull out to see that Matt has fallen asleep on some grassy knoll.)

MATTHEW: Oh man, I’m really on a roll this time.

(He sits up and looks around and sees an old well behind him. All of a sudden a head full of long black hair breaks over the edge of the well.)

MATTHEW: Oh motherfu-

(Matthew’s eyes open back in the real world as he suddenly screams uncontrollably for no real reason. Note: His screams are more like Howard Dean’s scream than any scream of terror.)

MATTHEW: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!

(Cut to Jan hiding in the bushes as she watches the other three girls frolic in the Nude Jell-O Wrestling Volcano.)

JAN: Man, this is so HOT, I've got wood!

(Pull out to see her pushing a cart full of firewood.)

JAN: And this giant boner!

(Reaching behind, she pulls out a large knife used for boning fish and starts sharpening it on a rock.)

JAN: And look at this giant dickhead!

(Quick pan over to Osten, still wearing his Cowardly Lion outfit as he stands in the middle of nowhere.)

OSTEN: Why'd the camera pan to me?

(Beat.)

OSTEN: Why are you still looking at me?

(Beat.)

OSTEN: F*** this, I'm SO quitting this parody.

(He walks away. Pan back over to Jan.)

JAN: Oh, sweet, Tree Mail!

- - -
Challenge Beach
- - -

(The eight tribe members walk in and approach Jeff as he takes the immunity necklace from Jan U.)

JEFF: Immunity, back up for grabs! Now, at least once per season we’re required to do a challenge involving the local culture, and I know those usually suck ass. I mean, I’ve seen a LOT of ass sucking in my time and done more than my fair share just like everyone else, but these are usually the dullest challenges of all time, so, we’re trying for something a little different. We’re going all out in a multi-leg, elimination challenge that we like to call…

(Jeff strips down from his regular shirt to some garish, bright game show host jacket.)

JEFF: SUPER WACKY MANY-LEG JAPAN CHALLENGE!!!

(Awkward beat.)

ROB: Dude, we’re in Australia.

(Awkward beat. Jeff ignores Rob.)

JEFF: Anyhow, we move on to primary round of much enjoyment! It’s the Happy Throw Ball Know a Lot Game!!!

(The name flashes onscreen brightly for about a minute before they actually get to it.)

JEFF: You answer a question! You answer right and you throw a ball into cup! If you get in a ball you win much praise and enjoyment! If not, you cut off finger!

(Most of the tribe looks dumbfounded. Christy watches a kangaroo running by.)

JEFF: Two who lose most are eliminated! Now onto first question!

(Jeff directs them to a bunch of those standard question answering cubes they usually use in Survivor.)

JEFF: Of which these films had ultimate value?

A) Crazy Zombie Mall Adventure
B) 3 Hour Man Talks to Sports Equipment
C) Bad Man Is Good Man Super Twist Ending
D) Big Angry Fish Scares Beach People
E) Super Power Family Problems

(Most of the castaways have a rather dumbstruck look on their faces, but they answer seemingly at random.)

JEFF: Time is up! Answer is E!!! Super Power Family Problems!!! Rob, Manber, Jerri, you all answered correctly! Rejoice!

(A graphic of a dancing panda appears on screen as they all approach Jeff.)

JEFF: Now throw the ball into the target or lose a finger! Major league bummer!

(Manber throws a ping pong ball into a large barrel and cheers. As we can see, Rob and Jerri both have shotglasses to throw their balls into unlike the barrels that everyone else gets. Jerri throws hers in and gets it in successfully. Rob prepares to throw his ball.)

CHAD: Come on Rob, you can make it!

(Rob misses.)

JEFF: OK Rob, you know the rules!

(Rob sighs, walking on up to a nearby table as he uses a cleaver to hack off a finger. We follow with a quick montage of various people answering correctly and incorrectly, most of them looking confused as they guess at random. Many people make balls into their barrels, while we repeatedly watch Jerri and Rob fail abysmally to get a ball into a shotglass.)

JEFF (VO): In the first round, Rob and Jerri eliminated. Super sorry friends! Now onto WACKY HAPPY DISCO ROUND!!!

(Cut to the middle of a colorful disco-themed nightclub as lights flash on every which wall and dozens of Japanese teenagers dance around to some random techno-ized music while the six remaining castaways stand around dumbfounded. Well, five, since Jan U. manages to dance for some odd reason.)

CHAD: What the f*** is this?

(Pan over to some random Asian pop star who looks all of fifteen and is probably forty singing in an unbelievably high pitched voice as the words appear at the bottom of the screen along with a bouncing ball.)

SINGER (singing): Yo no sa me ka te ra, se me pe no lick my na hole, ba te pe pe na, stop touching dog! Yo no sa me ka te ra, grope light socket chi chi ka!

(The five castaways standing around look absolutely confused.)

CHAD: Seriously, what the f*** does this have to do with immunity?

(Jeff bounces in with the ultra cheery smile as he bounds over to the group.)

JEFF: It appears that Chad has proven himself least worthy and is eliminated from challenge! Super sorry Chad!

CHAD: This was part of the challenge?

JEFF: And now onto next CRAZY FISH ROUND!!!

(Cut back to Australia where Matthew, Jan U., Manber, Christy and Michael are being beaten with large fish. This goes on for maybe six minutes while cheery music goes on in the background and Jeff dances merrily.)

MICHAEL (yelling): For the love of God what’s wrong with you people?

MANBER (also yelling): It hurts, it hurts!

CHRISTY (surprisingly calm): Man, it’s preschool all over again!

(The beating stops abruptly as Jeff bounces on over.)

JEFF: It is seeming that Manber and Michael have proven themselves the least worthy. Moving on are Christy, Underdog Jan and Matthew! You’re all super lucky!

(They all stare confused at Jeff as they move onto the next round. For no apparent reason, this challenge is announced in big flashing letters as “SUPER NO FALL DOWN ROUND.” Somewhere in the world, a small child is having a seizure because of these letters. At any rate, the challenge is a large set of rolling logs spaced out from one another and placed at different heights. Jan U. is the first to go, jumping from the first log, to the second, before slipping and violently falling face first into the third.)

JEFF (VO): Ouchy, that must not be good for fetus!

(Canned laughter. Christy goes next, jumping from one log to the next before accidentally and violently straddling the fourth log.)

JEFF (VO): Ooh, Christy beat Jan! For Jan to stay Matthew must not do better than log three!

(Matthew looks to the first log and prepares to jump before he winds up just looking off into space. He starts screaming maniacally before losing all control of bodily function and falling face first between the first and second logs. Jeff bounces in.)

JEFF: Matthew finds himself least worthy in this challenge! Down to two filler characters, one deaf, one old and psychotic! Major drama!!! Now onto the final round, ULTRA CLIMBING PROBLEM ROUND!!!

(We cut to the challenge which evidently involves climbing a greased pole of sorts while beavers chew on the bottom of it and guys from above throw rocks down at Christy and Jan U.’s faces. Neither is making all that much progress, at least until someone beams Christy with a rock right to her eye and she falls from the pole. Jeff bounces in with infinite enthusiasm.)

JEFF: Super sorry Christy, but immunity belongs to Underdog Jan! Underdog Jan congratulations!!!

(Jan U. looks confused as Jeff walks over and puts the immunity shotglass around her neck. Most of the tribe looks confused and only manage to clap halfheartedly.)

JEFF: Jan U. is the only one guaranteed super safe at next Tribal Council! To the rest of you have happy dreams and ride home!

(Jeff bounces away as Ancient Voices swells up as it tends to do while we get the standard slow motion view of the castaways either celebrating or looking pissed off like we get after every individual immunity challenge, since let’s face it this one isn’t any more special than any other.)

(Fade to black.)

SOME GUY (OS): Dude, what the f*** was that?

(Commercial break.)

(Fade up to a commercial with a guy sitting in an easy chair by a fireplace sipping from a cup of cocoa.)

GUY: I went to see my mom today, and I guess I didn’t want to believe what was happening to her. But, I guess we all reach that age when things change. It wasn’t so much the pain but… the size. Mom had developed… Hammy Fingers. They were so big, she couldn’t even pick up a pencil.

MOTHER (OS): HAMMY FINGERS!

(The guy from the Oatmeal commercials walks in.)

GUY FROM OATMEAL COMMERCIALS: Hi, I’m Wilford Brimley. Like arthritis, Hammy Fingers can be painful. Dialing a phone is virtually impossible (sound of dozens of keys being pressed at once), opening a can of soup is completely out of the question, and knitting, forget it. But now there’s Hamorex! It makes those Hammy Fingers just a little less… hammy.

GUY: With Hamorex, mom can get back to doing the things she really enjoys, like falling down and breaking her hip!

(We cut to a bunch of stock footage of old people playing around with grandkids, running through parks gardening, and all that other usual stuff they put in these commercials.)

NARRATOR (VO): Hamorex! Take the hammy out of Hammy Fingers. (rapidly) Hamorex is a non-lethal narcotic that shrinks the swelling of hammy tissue. If you’re currently on a cold medication or MAO inhibitor, please consult your physician. Some side effects of Hamorex include clogged nasal passages, anal hair, dropsy, unusual curvature of the spine, hallucinations, loss of toes, bleeding gums, painful bowel movements, rickets, accelerated hair loss, festering boils, unexplained depression, PCP like paranoia, loss of voice, inability to salivate, cramps, violent mood swings, lyme disease, temporary blindness, incoherent thought processes, scurvy, pre-menstrual like symptoms, elevated fever and advanced dementia.

(Cut back to the guy sitting on an easy chair as his mom screams from offscreen.)

GUY: Sure, mom can’t even complete a sentence now, but at least her Hammy Fingers have gone away! Thanks Hamorex!

NARRATOR (VO): Ask your doctor about Hamorex, for those special people in your life.

(Fade down.)

- - -
Aborted Whale Fetus Tribe
- - -

(The whole tribe walks back to camp as Jan U. holds the immunity shotglass around her neck.)

MICHAEL (confessional): …and THAT is why I gave Chad leg cancer. But, yeah, seriously, what was up with that challenge? And why is this confessional so poorly timed?

JAN U. (confessional): My whole tribe hates me, I just can’t explain it. I try to be a nice person, I try to get along with everyone, but I know that they’re all still plotting against me. No one’s giving me a chance and all I wanted to do was just go out here and be nice! They’re going to all vote me out tomorrow, I know it!

(Long pause as she nods to the camera.)

(As they walk back to camp, Jerri walks up to Jan U.)

JERRI: Hey Jan, congratulations on winning immunity! I’m glad you’ll be here another three days!

(Beat. Jan U. punches Jerri in the face repeatedly and pushes her face first into an ant hill.)

JAN U.: Why doesn’t anybody like me? God you people just aren’t giving me a chance!

(She storms off.)

CHRISTY (OS): Hey Jan U., congratulations on winning immunity!

(We hear the sound of a chainsaw running offscreen as it cuts into flesh.)

CHRISTY (OS): Owie.

(Cut to some time later as the tribe all sit around a campfire. Pretty much everyone is covered in bandages and stitches from the challenge.)

ROB (confessional): We met with some gay wedding coordinator after the challenge, but hey, anything to get some more poontang from Amber and I’m all good, but anyway they said we should all do something special and unique for each other and we had this good gift exchange idea. It was fun, but I think I screwed up a bit.

(Rob opens a gift wrapped present from Manber as thousands of baseball cards spill out.)

ROB: Wow!

MANBER: It’s every baseball card of every member of the Boston Red Sox that they’ve ever had, all signed! Even the dead ones!

ROB: Oh my God! Thank you!

(He goes over and hugs it with a big bear hug as the others all clap.)

ROB: Now look at mah present Manbah.

(It opens his gift-wrapped present with enthusiasm. As it looks at the present within, it has a grimace cross its face.)

MANBER: What’s this?

ROB: It’s your favorite movie! And I got it signed by all the stars too!

(As it pulls the title from all its wrapping paper, we see the title and blurred out cover of “BACK DOOR SLUTS VS. HEAT SEEKING MEAT MISSILES SPEWING MAN MOZERELLA 9!”.)

ROB: I got all the big ones, Dave Roth, Candy Suxxx, Condoleeza Rice, they’re all there!

(Beat.)

MANBER: This is not my favorite movie.

(Beat.)

ROB: It isn’t?

(Beat. Manber throws the movie in his face and runs away bawling.)

MANBER (OS, crying): YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME!!! I HATE YOU!!!

(Rob looks dumbstruck.)

ROB: I read the CBS website, it said that was her favorite movie!

JERRI: Actually that was a typo, her favorite movie is “Back Door Sluts vs. Heat Seeking Meat Missiles Missiles Spewing Man Mozerella 8.”

CHAD: You mean the one with the turnip scene? MAN that movie ROCKS!

(Awkward beat.)

SOME GUY (OS): You’re so inspirational Chad!

ANOTHER GUY (OS): Make love to me Chad!

(Michael pulls Rob to the side.)

MICHAEL: Look, you hurt her and anything else you do is probably going to make the situation worse. If you want to know how to win her back, here’s what you do…

(Matthew starts screaming uncontrollably.)

= = =
DAY THIRTY
= = =

(Dawn. Most of the tribe sleeps in the shelter. Manber rolls around restlessly and stares at the ceiling.)

(We cut further down the street. An 80’s pseudo-muscle car rolls up and to a stop. Rob steps out dressed in a trench coat and t-shirt for some random 80’s rock band. Reaching in the back seat he pulls out a massive boom box. He presses a button on its side and holds it above his head. After a moment of silence, a heavy, booming beat comes out as he holds the radio steadfastly.)

RAPPER (VO): YO MUTHA-F***, YO MUTHA-F***, YO MUTHA-F***, YO MUTHA-F***!!!

(Manber stirs in the shelter.)

RAPPER (VO): YO MUTHA-F***, YO MUTHA-F***, YO MUTHA-F***, YO MUTHA-F***!!!

(It looks longingly towards Rob in his car.)

RAPPER (VO): I HATE YOU BITCH I CUT YOU GOOD!!! YO MUTHA-F***, YO MUTHA-F***, YO MUTHA-F***!!!

(Manber smiles softly.)

RAPPER (VO): I WANNA SLIT YO THROAT AND PISS DOWN IT!!! YO MUTHA-F***, YO MUTHA-F***, YO MUTHA-F***!!!

(A tear rolls down Manber’s cheek.)

RAPPER (VO): I’M GONNA F***ING F***ING F*** YOU UP!!! I F***ING HATE YOU, YO MUTHA-F***!!! I SCREW YO MA AND SHOOT YO DOG!!! YO MUTHA-F***, YO MUTHA-F***, YO MUTHA-F***!!!

(Manber sighs happily.)

MANBER: He’s playing our song.

(Manber runs from the shelter over to Rob and jumps up into his arms. They start making out grotesquely as Rob drops the radio.)

MANBER: I love you!

RAPPER (VO): YOU STUPID WHORE I F*** YO SIS TOO!!! YO MUTHA-F***, YO MUTHA-F***, YO MUTHA-F***!!!

(They continue making out as Manber jumps back on Rob.)

ROB: Let’s make a baby!

MANBER: I have a penis.

ROB: I don’t care.

(They continue to make out. We pan over to the shelter and watch as the rest of the tribe looks on dumbstruck.)

JERRI: Am I the only one who finds this f***ed up?

CHAD: Shut up you stupid whore and make us some sandwiches.

(Beat. Matthew suddenly starts screaming uncontrollably.)

MANBER (Confessional): What Rob did this morning was so unbelievably romantic, I am so glad I’m going to be marrying this man! (Beat.) Come to think of it, why do I have a penis? It honestly makes no sense. (Beat.) I mean, I know it’s gotten to a point where the writers are desperate for story arcs given that they’ve driven every other tasteless gag into the ground, so why not give me a penis, right? (Beat.) God I’m a useless character.

(We go through the usual morning montage of things as everyone doing their morning chore routine. Well, Christy and Matthew chop a whole bunch of wood while pretty much everyone else sits around and tans in the sun. Michael breaks rocks with his bare hands, while Chad bites the head off a dove. Honestly, it’s about as normal as a day gets out here. As we focus in on some random footage of wildlife, we hear a horrific scream in the background.)

MATTHEW (OS): YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAARGH!!!!!

(Cut to camp.)

MANBER: Did anyone else hear that?

ROB: No, and stop talking wo-, whatever you are before I punch you in the stomach.

(Cut to the forest where Matthew stands facing a tree as he screams once more.)

MATTHEW: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!

(Michael walks up.)

MICHAEL: I don’t like you.

(Michael walks away.)

MATTHEW (Confessional): I’ve been sensing a lot of tension between the other guys and I ever since we went on Rob’s bachelor party. It was a lot of fun I have to admit, well, at least the parts I remember. Come to think of it, I don’t remember much except for that whole crazy dream sequence thing that seemed to be just randomly put together by some TV producer with a lot of stock footage and not a whole lot else to do. And that crazy little girl.

(Flash back to Matthew’s hallucination again. That zany Ring girl comes from out of the well and teleports up to Matthew giving him the evil eye.)

MATTHEW: Wait a second… everyone’s afraid of YOU?

(The camera rotates around the two to reveal that Matthew is at least three feet taller than her.)

MATTHEW: Seriously, they remade an unbelievably brilliant Japanese movie only to make you the greatest evil in the Universe? You’re just some stupid little girl ghost. Jesus, even I’m scarier than you are.

(He pulls out a rock and machete. Shink. Shiiiiink. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiink. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiink. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiink. Both Matthew and that crazy Ring girl just stand there.)

MATTHEW: Oh screw this, I’m leaving.

(Flash back to Matthew in confessional.)

MATTHEW (confessional): This game… it’s really starting to drive me crazy.

(Cut back to camp. Jan U. cooks more rice, sifting through a crate for some spices. She pulls out a granola bar wrapper and looks at it curiously. And looks at it. And looks at it. And looks at it. And looks at it.)

JAN U.: GOD, NOW YOU’RE ACCUSING ME OF THINGS TOO?!?!? WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT TO VOTE ME OUT?!?!?

(She throws the wrapper to the ground and stalks off.)

(Focus in on the wrapper for a while. The sun streaks across the sky from morning to afternoon. Matthew picks up the wrapper.)

MATTHEW: Whoa! Everyone come look at this!

(Everyone all crowds around Matthew as he holds the wrapper up.)

MATTHEW: Whoa, someone smuggled food into the game!

(We pan over to Christy who has crumbs and flecks of foil from wrappers all over her shirt.)

CHRISTY: What’s everybody looking at me for?

(Long beat.)

CHRISTY: WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU, I’M DEAF!

(Everyone stares at Christy.)

JERRI (Confessional): Christy honestly makes a great point in that she can’t smuggle in food. It’s a scientific fact that deaf people can’t think, and thereby can’t sneak food into the game. I have an idea, I think at least, of who snuck the food in, but I’m thinking that I should just keep it under my cap for the moment until I actually know what to do.

(Everyone lounges around camp, while we see Matthew off in the distance catching fish.)

JERRI: Matthew smuggled the food in. I know it. I saw it. I saw him put it up his rectum and pull it out and then eat it and them put the rest of it back up there.

CHAD: That bastard!

MANBER: And to think we were going to name our first born after him!

(Manber vomits grotesquely off to one side.)

ROB: I say we grease that rat f*** son of a bitch right here and now.

CHAD: Let’s bury him and just leave him for dead!

(Pitchforks and torches magically materialize as the group forms a lynch mob.)

MICHAEL: Wait, wait, wait, aren’t we reaching a hasty conclusion here? Do we really know that Matthew snuck the granola bar in?

JERRI: If you’re not with us, you’re against us and we WILL vote you out.

(Awkward beat.)

MICHAEL: Kill the f***er!!!

- - -
Tribal Council
- - -

(One by one, the eight remaining members of The Aborted Whale Fetus Tribe walk in with their torches as Probst looks on in shame.)

JEFF: You know, I’m usually not that embarrassed by a bunch of competitors, but let me just say, what the f***? You’ve been beaten in two consecutive immunity challenges by a woman who is technically mentally retarded. Jesus Christ Boston Rob, what the hell is wrong with you? You used to do everything almost as perfectly as Rupert. You’d touch a challenge and you’d automatically get second place! Everything you would do would be second best, and here you are being resoundingly beaten by a woman with boobies that hang around her knees!

JAN (OS): Hey! I just saw Obi Wan Kenobi!

JEFF: At any rate, let’s bring in our first member of the jury.

(Jon runs in on screen flashing his gang signs as he jumps up and down proudly. It’s also quite evident that he isn’t wearing anything besides his FAIRPLAY scarf.)

JEFF: The jury is here only to observe and be impartial viewers, but, really, you people would be f***ing idiots not to realize the fact that each and every member decides who they’re going to vote for as the winner the moment they’re voted out. Really, it’s pointless at this point to kick someone’s ass on the way out since you’ll seriously wind up regretting it, but since I don’t think there’s maybe three brains between the eight of you, I don’t even know why I’m saying what I’m saying. So, let’s get this mofo on the road. Down to the final eight, does anyone have any alliances?

(Beat.)

JEFF: Well, anyone?

(Beat.)

JEFF: Snickers bar goes to whoever outs their alliances.

JERRI, MICHAEL, ROB (all talking over each other): JanMichaelManberChadJanRobJerriChadJanMichael
JanChadRobJerriManberChristyMichaelRobJanChad!!!

MATTHEW: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!

(Jeff tosses the Snickers bar between them and giggles as they battle it out like homeless people fighting for a piece of cheese.)

JEFF: No matter how many times I do that, I never get tired. This game rules. Anyway, Rob, Manber, I’ve heard you two went through a rough patch earlier today, would you like to discuss this?

MANBER: We had our issues because Rob bought me the wrong hardcore porno movie thinking it was my favorite, but since it was an honest mistake and a typo I’ve forgiven him.

ROB: I love this woman, I just can’t say it enough, I know it’s crazy but she’s the apple of my eye, my reason for living and the sole reason I’m still in the game.

(A couch appears out of nowhere and Rob just starts jumping up and down on it.)

ROB: I LOVE AMBER, I LOVE AMBER, I LOVE AMBER, WOOOO TOPICAL HUMOR, I LOVE AMBER, I LOVE AMBER, I LOVE AMBER!!!!!

(As he sits down next to Manber, they start making out grotesquely.)

ROB: YOU’RE SO MASCULINE, I LOVE IT!!!

(They continue to make out grotesquely for another five minutes or so, but, since that’s how these things work, we’re not fretting.)

JEFF: I don’t know what’s more disturbing, the fact that I’m actually watching this, the fact that I’ve gotten used to it, or that episode of South Park where Mr. Mackey and Miss. Chokesondik have sex.

(Someone offscreen screams.)

JEFF: At any rate, we still have a ways to go. Chad, I heard there was some controversy this afternoon, what in all is going down?

CHAD: We’ve got a traitor in our midst, someone actually snuck food in here! We all know who it was and they’re going to pay for it, right Matthew? RIGHT YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH? WHAT THE F***? YOU SNUCK FOOD IN HERE AND YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH IT, BUT WE CAUGHT YOU!!! WE CAUGHT YOU YOU STUPID, SERVILE SON OF A RAT WHORE!!! IF I KNEW I COULD GET AWAY WITH IT, I’D RAPE YOU JUST LIKE I RAPED MICHAEL!!! JESUS CHRIST, YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH IT BIOTCH BUT WE’RE ALL BETTER THAN YOU, YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!

(Beat.)

MATTHEW: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARGH!!!

(Beat.)

JEFF: Well, I know it’s a complete and total waste of time but since I’m getting paid by the hour here, I might as well draw this out as long as possible even though I’d like to just stop here and shoot myself in the forehead. Jerri, what do you think of the whole smuggling situation? I mean, honestly, you’ve always had some part in a smuggling controversy, what do you have to say about this mess? Why’d you start it?

JERRI: Well I-

JAN U. (abruptly): I just can’t take it anymore!!!

(Everyone looks on dumbfounded as Jan U. just explodes.)

JAN U.: I am falling apart over here! I have been doing my damnedest to stay in the game, to get some respect, but EVERYONE is just out here hating on me and I can’t take it! You’re all talking about me behind my back! You’re all disrespecting me! You’re all lying, cheating sons of bitches! This game is full of UGLY people! This game is full of HYPOCRITES! I am the most honest, the most straightforward person here, and NO ONE is respecting me for it! You all make me want to DIE in here, and I just want to smack you all for being the ugly spiteful bitches that you are! I have done my best to become one of the group, and you NEVER let me in! You never even tried to form an alliance with me! I am the Underdog here! I don’t stand a chance of winning against any of you people! Well you know what, I’m going to show you guys! I f***ing quit!

(Beat.)

JEFF: You have immunity, and you’re going to quit.

JAN U.: Yes. Yes I am.

JEFF: You do realize that several people have mentioned you within their alliances.

JAN U.: Yes. Yes I do.

JEFF: Well, if you want to quit, then you’re a dumb twat, but since we’re equal opportunity here, get your sweet little ass on over here.

(Jan U. brings her torch on over to Probst as he brings up a beer can.)

JEFF: Jan, per your wishes… who am I even kidding, nobody knows why you’re here. Just… get out. Get out you dumb woman. You smell like a hooker.

(He smacks her in the back of the skull with her extinguished torch as she violently falls down the stairs and the walk of shame. As Jeff lays her torch down on the ground, the camera focuses on it for a long period of time for no real reason.)

JEFF: Well, I can seriously say that that wasn’t expected. Not in the slightest. I mean, God damn, why do people sign up for this show even if they’re just going to quit? Sure, they might just sign up on the whim of the producers who thought it’d be funny to drug them, drag them from their home and force them to take a part in the show because we have their family strapped to a small nuclear device, but that gives them NO right to quit this game. This perfect, seamless, infallible game that is always right about what it is. You people make me sick. Go home.

(Ancient Voices kicks in full blast as the seven remaining members of The Aborted Whale Fetus Tribe all walk on out of the Tribal Council set.)

A Lapointe-Carter Joint
Proud to be almost as juvenile as the show we're making fun of!

= = =
JAN U.'S FINAL WORDS
= = =

JAN U.: I’m a useless twat, I don’t even know why I came out here in the first place. This show sucks. Really, it does. Not as much as that time I ran over Papa Smurf with my lawnmower, but pretty close. Come to think of it, I also really like Bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Yup. I like Bananas. And Twizzlers.

= = =
NEXT TIME ON SUPER-VIVOR!
= = =

Truth be told, I have no idea what the hell is going to be put in the next episode of Super-vivor. Marcy was supposed to write next week’s preview, but since it’s his birthday and all he’s currently out getting drunk. No, really. This isn’t some bullshit excuse, even though, well, it is, but Marcy really is out drunk. Seriously drunk. Literally. This is a guy who gets drunk and either becomes your best friend or vomits all over the back of a cab because he’s too damn skinny to be drinking that much. Then again, he is Canadian and they have a different physiology from real people, but, well, that doesn’t excuse the fact that he’s currently out getting really drunk. Then again, it’s also his birthday. He’s 20, he has every right to get screwed up. So, if you want to see a preview, send him threatening e-mails for getting drunk. Really.

(Awkward pause. Jon runs by flashing his gang signs.)

Sorry, the episodes keep getting delayed because we're having a hard time finding priests for all those damn exorcisms Matt needs. I swear, every god damn time we think we've gotten the demons out of them, another one pops up, and BAM! Another holy figure all mad at us cause Matt ate one or two of his limbs. Gah.

Soon, my darlings, soon.

-Marcy