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SURVIVOR: REALITY STARS

Episodes:

Episode 01 - The Breast Is Yet To Come
Episode 02 - Can You Feel The Ox-Citement?
Episode 03 - Lysdexia Borealis
Episode 04 - This Ain't Your Mama's Chess
Episode 05 – Suspended Harness From Hell
Episode 06 – Jack Daniels With Ice
Episode 07 – Dinner, Movie and a Be-Gay-al

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So, boredom got the best of me once again and I decided to write this. I might or might not finish depending on how I feel.

18 People from various reality TV shows compete on the one that started it all.

NOTES:

Unlike 90% of Survivor Fictions I’ve read, this one is not written in script form. However, in order to differentiate between regular conversations between contestants and private confessionals, all confessionals will be done in script form. Thus, the following would be something a contestant is saying to another contestant:

Quote:

---

“I don’t really like it,” said Janelle.

---

And this would be a confessional:

Quote:

---

JANELLE: I didn’t really like it that much.

---

Got it? Good.
Happy reading.

……………………..

SURVIVOR: REALITY STARS

CONTESTANTS:


ALAN RITCHSON
Previous Show: American Idol 3
Famous for: Basically stripping for the whole world to see and being nothing but a muscled himbo.


APRIL LEWIS
Previous Show: Big Brother 6
Famous for: Calling America "Pieces of shit" and being generally a delusional twat.


CHARLA FADDOUL
Previous Show: The Amazing Race 5
Famous for: Being the most popular contestant from her season and the only midget to compete in the race thus far.


CLAY AIKEN
Previous Show: American Idol 2
Famous for: Having the largest, most delusional fanbase ever on the face of this planet; Using Carmen, then K.Lo, then Kellly as a beard.


COLIN GUINN
Previous Show: The Amazing Race 5
Famous for: Losing to a farm animal and almost getting arrested.


JEFFREY DEWBERRY
Previous Show: Hell's Kitchen
Famous for: Being emotionally too weak to withstand Chef Ramsey's demands.


JANELLE PIERZINA
Previous Show: Big Brother 6
Famous for: Being the most popular BB Houseguest Ever and saying "Bye Bye Bitches" on live television.


JIM BOZZINI
Previous Show: The Apprentice: Martha Stewart
Famous for: His crazy machiavellian way of targeting people in the Conference Room.


JUANITA BARBER
Previous Show: American Idol 2
Famous for: Her ghetto-fabolous fight with Randy and Simon, in which she explained she was just Axin' What About The Chill'run.


JULIE CHEN
Previous Show: Big Brother 1-6
Famous for: "But first..." and other robotically eery sayings.


KATHY GRIFFIN
Previous Show: Celebrity Mole: Hawaii
Famous for: Posting a mere 14 times at Sucks; Being terrible at every challenge.


LINDA WEAVER
Previous Show: The Amazing Race: Family Edition
Famous for: Overly religious insane behavior and poor history and geography skills.


MARCELLAS REYNOLDS
Previous Show: Big Brother 3
Famous for: Pouting and moaning every time things didn't go his way, then condemning people who did the same. Best friends with a porcelain gnome.


OMAROSA MANIGAULT-STALLWORTH
Previous Show: The Apprentice 1
Famous for: Blaming people's dislike of her sour personality on racism.


RUPERT BONEHAM
Previous Show: Survivor: Pearl Islands, Survivor: All-Stars
Famous for: Losing Survivor twice and getting a million bucks anyway.


SAM SOLOVEY
Previous Show: The Apprentice 1
Famous for: Sleeping on the job, pledging to never wash his hands after he touched Trump.


SCOTT "FAFU" SAVOL
Previous Show: American Idol 4
Famous for: Being a VFTW Dream Come True.


STEPHENIE LAGROSSA
Previous Show: Survivor: Palau, Survivor: Guatemala
Famous for: Managing to go from most popular Survivor to least popular Survivor in the span of two seasons. Calls people "gay" and "retarded" due to limited vocabulary.

................................................
...............................................



EPISODE 1 – THE BREAST IS YET TO COME

        It was the hottest of days in Brazil – the beginning of November, and thus the beginning of summer season.
        Jeff Probst was standing in the middle of a sandy beach in the state of Ceará, overlooking a large chunk of the Atlantic Ocean.
        He was on Ilha Dos Anjos, or Angel Island, the backdrop for the latest installment of Survivor.
        “I am standing in the middle of one of the last uninhabited locations in Brazil,” he said to the camera, “Angel Island, off the coast of the state of Ceará. Soon, eighteen of Reality Television’s most memorable personalities will be stranded here, left to fend for themselves and forced to create a new society, while battling the elements and each other.”
        He made his way down the beach as he continued, “39 Days…eighteen Reality Stars….one, Survivor.”
       
        He looked utterly bored.

        ……………………..

        To say they were the “absolute stars” of reality TV was quite a stretch. A few of them were quite popular even outside of the Reality fandom and were as close as you can get to being a superstar without actually being a celebrity. Others were moderately known. A few had such short stays on their respective shows that only the most devoted fans even knew they existed.
        Eight men and eight women walked onto the beach from either side of Jeff – divided by gender, they made their way across the white sand and stood, women on his right, men on his left, waiting for instructions.
        “Welcome,” Jeff said, “To Survivor: Reality Stars. The sixteen of you have all previously endured very different and unique experiences, and the way you fared on your individual shows had indirectly led you here.”
        The castaways listened intently. “You might have excelled at business, or singing, or solving mysteries, but this time you’ll have to survive the wild. So it is just fitting that I assist you in your survival.”
        He grinned, looked behind him and shouted. “COME ON IN, GUYS!”
        A few trees moved, and from behind the foliage came two very well known Survivor contestants: Rupert Boneham and Stephenie LaGrossa.
        “Ew, Poopert,” said Janelle.
        “Rupert and Stephenie have both played this game twice,” Jeff stated, “They know this game inside and out, and can either be an asset or a hindrance to you. They are full-fledged players in this game. Use them wisely.”
        Stephenie joined the women on Jeff’s right. Rupert walked over to the men on the left.
        “Now, for your tribes.”
        Jeff reached into his pocket and pulled out eighteen buffs – Nine yellow, nine purple.
        “You have already been divided into men and women,” Jeff stated, “However, these tribes are not set.”
        He explained the process to the castaways.
        “You have two minutes to talk amongst yourselves and decide on one male to move over to the girls’ team, and one female to go to the guys’ team.”
        “Me!” shouted Stephenie, “I wanna do it! Me! Me!”
        “Keep in mind that the person who is selected to change teams will be given immunity for the first Tribal Council they attend during their stay.
        “ME!” Stephenie shouted, “Please, God, me!”
        “Don’t say the Lord’s name in vain,” said Linda Weaver.
        “Stephenie, why do you want to go so bad?” Omarosa asked.
        “I mean,” said Stephenie, “No offense, but I think an all-women’s team is retarded.”
        “Sexist,” Omarosa barked.
        “Guys, we can discuss sexism later,” said Julie Chen, “But first, who will be selected to go to the guys’ team, and how will this dramatic twist affect the game? Find out live in two minutes.”
        “It’s one minute now,” said Janelle.
        “I be thirsty,” said Juanita.

        The guys weren’t doing much better.
        “Guys,” said Alan, “If you take my name put the first A after the last L, that spells Lana. That’s a chick’s name, so I think I should go.”
        “We already have a girl,” said Rupert, “Let’s send her!”
        “Excuse me,” said Clay, “I’m male.”
        “Oh,” said Rupert apologetically, “Sorry.”
        “Sam, what do you think?”
        But Sam didn’t answer. He was sleeping on the sandy ground.

        When the two minutes passed, Jeff asked who each team wanted to send.
        “Guys, who will it be?”
        The men decided to send Jim, the obnoxious contestant from The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, to the female side.

        JIM: I wanted to go to the girls’ side because females are much easier to manipulate. Plus, five more minutes of Marcellas and I think I might have bitched him out.

        The females, to nobody surprise, sent Stephenie.
        “It was a mutual decision,” said Omarosa, “Very, very mutual.”

        STEPHENIE: I got what I wanted, which is a strong, strong team full of guys. No offense, but I couldn’t deal with eight other women for 39 days. That’d be retarded.

        OMAROSA: I’m so glad we got rid of her, because five minutes into this thing and she was already giving me more of a headache than that plaster droplet ever did.

        JANELLE: Thank God. Not only did we manage to get rid of Stephenie, but we also avoided getting Poopert on our team.

        “So, we have two good tribes?” Jeff asked.
        All nodded.
        “Well, then.”
        He handed the women and Jim each a yellow buff. “You are the Iara tribe, named after the Brazilian goddess of Water.”
        The men and Stephenie all got purple buffs. “You guys are the Caipora Tribe, name the for Brazilian god of fire.”
        “Ooh,” said Marcellas as he put on his purple buff, “I’m liking this lavender.”
        Jeff then handed each team a map. “Follow these to your camp sites. This game is officially on.”
        And with that, the teams headed in opposite directions.
        “Bye FaFu,” Janelle shouted, “You’re such a meatloaf!”
        Scott flipped her the bird.

        ………..

IARA TRIBE




CAIPORA TRIBE




.....................

        DAY ONE

        IARA CAMP

        Despite the island’s relatively small circumference, Iara’s hike to camp took them a good portion of the afternoon. The supplies they had been given – crates with rice and soup cans, water canteens, some rope and a tarp – were heavier than expected. Jim volunteered to carry most of the heavy things, while the women helped in their own individual ways. Charla did the majority of the work by carrying the lid of a large crate on her head; April tried to juggle her own bag and a piece of rope as she only had two hands and one was being used to feverishly pick her nose; Janelle carried the heavy tarp with Julie Chen; Widow Weaver tried to help by asking God to “Please make this load lighter”, while Omarosa refused to carry anything because she had a concussion.
        “Wasn’t that, like, two years ago?” asked Janelle.
        “Look at the pot calling the kettle black,” Omarosa Barked.
        Juanita and Kathy, by far the two weakest people on the team, were suffering from the heat and were thus at the back of the pack.

        KATHY: Last time I signed up for a Reality Show I had a terrible time and looked horrendous, but I won. I figured the more I suffer, the more money I get, so this time I plan to make myself miserable.
       
        JUANITA: Oh-mah-LAWD! Girl, dis island be hot! I be runnin’ through da woods and burnin’ mah feet an’ ah almost died.

        She wasn’t exaggerating. At the very back of the group, Juanita looked as if Simon had just eliminated her from American Idol again.
        “Oh mah god,” she panted, “Yo’, I’s about to collasp!”
        “The word is ‘collapse’,” said Omarosa.
       
        After four hours of intense heat and moderate walking, the Iara tribe spotted their yellow flag on the beach.
        Juanita collapsed.

        LINDA WEAVER: I can’t believe I’m living in Brazil for 39 days. You know, I’ve always wanted to visit Europe, but I never thought it would actually come true! Thank the Lord!

        From the moment they stepped onto the beach it was obvious that Jim, Janelle and Charla were the only Iaras who actually did any work. Linda (whom the team had taken to calling “Widow Weaver”) and April did their share at irregular intervals, while the rest of the team was completely useless.

        JIM: These women are spoiled, they are weak, and their minds aren’t in this game. So I’ve made it my responsibility to shape them into my personal army. I’m the General, Janelle’s Lieutenant, Charla’s the colonel, and the rest are cadets.

        “So,” Jim said as he approached Janelle, “What do you say? Me, you, Charla, we get two more people and make it to the final 5.”
        “That sounds good, I guess,” said Janelle, “Have you talked to Charla?”
        “Si, Señor,” said Charla. She had been standing next to Janelle, who didn’t notice her.
        “I think I can get April,” Janelle said, “And we’ll talk to everyone else and try to find out who’d be good.”

        JANELLE: I don’t fully trust Jim at all, but at this point…better them than me, so if my alliance with him guarantees my safety for a couple of votes then I guess I have to go with it.

        April, as expected, agreed almost at once to be a part of the alliance. “Oh mah gawsh, y’all, ah just hope this time I’m in the popular alliance.”
        “Damn right, Busto,” said Jim jokingly.
        “Ah swear, y’all, we have such a good group of people, if America doesn’t like our alliance the most then they are all pieces of shit!”
        “What about shit?”
        Kathy had overheard April’s overly loud comments, and thus the foursome was forced to tell her about their alliance.
        “Ooh, can I join? I give good sex.”

        And thus, an alliance was born.

        ……………………………

        CAIPORA CAMP

        The sheer amount of men on the Caipora tribe made their hike to camp a lot quicker and faster than Iara’s. Alan, Colin, Scott, Rupert and Stephenie carried most of the weight. Sam had begged to help them, but Colin told him to fuck off and Rupert simply patted him on the back (after which Sam swore never to shower again). Marcellas was clearly annoyed by how shiny the Brazilian humidity made him look, and was using Dewberry’s luxury item (an apron) to wipe his forehead clean.
        Halfway through the trek Alan decided to remove his shirt, which caused Marcellas, Dewberry and Clay (who swore he was just following Dewberry) to become suddenly motivated to keep up with the rest of the team.

        They spotted their purple flag in less than two hours, and before they even put their bags down Stephenie began barking orders.

        DEWBERRY: Ah swear, ah’m all for havin’ a leader, but that girl just…ooooh…..she was screamin’ and barkin’ orders and I….I got the vapors.

        MARCELLAS: HAPPY MONDAY!!!!!

        CLAY: Stephenie is definitely the leader of this team. It doesn’t bother me in the least. For this first beginning part, I’m trying to stay completely Invisible. Ha ha, get it?

        As he said that, two Claymates who had been hiding in a bush nearby giggled and were asked to please leave the island.

        Stephenie must not have delegated tasks properly, because when the Caipora shelter was finally built it was anything but a shelter. Rupert had dug an enormous hole in the ground, around which Alan and Colin placed bamboo poles. Stephenie was so busy telling people what to do that she didn’t do anything herself, so the shelter had no roof.
        “Well, that sucks,” said Scott as he leaned against one of the shelter’s walls.
        It collapsed.
        “Boys,” sad Marcellas, “We’ll take over from here.”

        RUPERT: It was a miracle. The minute Marcellas took over the shelter it began to look like home.

        STEPHENIE: Marcellas is so gay. This whole team is gay. Why couldn’t I have been on the girls’ team? Those girls are strong. I don’t wanna complain and whine, but that is how I feel. But of course, I will never let any of them hear me saying that.

        “Why couldn’t I have been on the girls’ team?” Stephenie complained to Rupert, “Those girls are strong. I don’t wanna complain and whine, but that is how I feel.”
        “Don’t let your dreams die,” said Rupert.

        The shelter Marcellas organized was a much better effort. Rupert had refilled the hole he dug, and Colin and Alan built a sturdy wall of bamboo, which Clay decorated with stick figures made out of twigs that resembled children. Dewberry collected wild berries and began making cold stew.

        MARCELLAS: It was important for me to be comfortable with my surroundings, but it was also important to show Stephenie that nobody is perfect…well, sans me, but we already knew that, right?

        Finally satisfied with their shelter, the team went to bed early that evening. They had an immunity challenge the following day, and were determined to beat Iara.

        …………….

        DAY TWO

        IARA CAMP

        JUANITA: Oh mah god, last night I was cryin’ mah eyeballs out cuz my back hurt so bad! Dat shelta gots to go.

        Juanita wasn’t the only one who had a rough night. Omarosa was positively disgruntled, and had resorted to pouting in a corner, occasionally mumbling words like “racists” and “strong black woman”. Kathy looked horrified by happy, while April was complaining that her extended tailbone got caught in between two sections of the bamboo and now her whole butt was hurting. Janelle refused to get out of ben until almost noon, and the lack of sleep was making Jim lose his voice.
        “Dang,” said Juanita, “You be talkin’ like a geriatric frog!”

        Treemail arrived an hour after lunch (a half a bowl of rice each). Charla read it.

        “Swim, run, catch dive
        Grab the things that keep you alive
        Jump, hike, throw, float
        And you’ll sure avoid the vote”

        “Ooh, yay, bathing suits,” said Janelle.
        “You say that now,” said Jim, “Wait till you see Dewberry with his shirt off.”
        “Ah gots ta git wet??????” Juanita complained, “But…but…mah weave!”
        “Dear Lord, please let Juanita’s weave repel the water, amen.”
       
        JUANITA: Ah wuz all worried cuz mah weave wuz gon’ git wet, but Widow Weaver did her voodoo thang to God and now I’s gon’ repel the water!

        Before the challenge, Jim gave the team a pep talk. (Omarosa chose not to participate in the huddle)
        “Girls,” he said, “We get out there, we fight hard, we do whatever we have to do to make sure one of them goes home, and if we lose we can all just gang up on Omarosa and boot her ass out. Got it?”
        “Got it,” Kathy nodded.
        “Let’s go, then,” said Jim.
        “Oh mah gahd,” said Juanita, “Dis be nervousing.”

        ……………

        IMMUNITY CHALLENGE – LIFE SUPPORT
       
        “Come on in, guys!”
        Jeff was standing in the middle of Challenge Beach. In front of him were two mats, one yellow, one purple.
        Iara came in from the left. With the exception of Omarosa, every tribe member (including Jim, who viewed it as a show of team spirit) was wearing their buff as a tube top. They came in single file, Janelle first, Omarosa last, and took their spot on the yellow mat.
        “Hi Jeff,” Janelle giggled.
        Caipora came in from the left, and if they meant at all to fail their team hierarchy they failed miserably. Stephenie was first, followed closely by Rupert, Alan, Colin and Scott. Marcellas was behind Clay, but insisted on trying to pass him so he could symbolically move up in status, while Dewberry was content with being the last person in line and whistled happily as he walked.
        “Welcome to your first Immunity Challenge,” Jeff said, “As you know, on Survivor, one of the ways you can guarantee that you remain in the game is by winning the immunity idol.”
        He took the lid off a large basket and pulled out the idol: A hand-carved wooden chicken.
        “Thou shalt not worship false idols, thou shalt not worship false idols,” Widow Weaver chanted to herself.
        “This is the immunity idol,” Jeff continued, “The tribe that wins the challenge will take this home and be safe for another three days. Losing tribe will visit me at Tribal Council where one of you will be the first person voted off of Survivor: Reality Stars.”
        “How heartless,” said Dewberry.
        “Like I was saying, the Immunity Idol will protect you on Survivor. But on your original shows, you had to rely on other things. Your job today will be to find those things. At the bottom of the ocean there are seven treasure chests, each containing an item that, on your previous shows, would keep you from getting eliminated One person from each team will swim out, dive down, and retrieve one of the seven chests. That person will then have to bring the chest back up to your team’s mat, open it, and identify which show it came from. First team to retrieve four items wins immunity.”

        When Jeff finished, the teams prepared themselves. Colin was swimming first for Caipora, Jim for Iara.
        “Survivors Ready?” Jeff asked as he raised his right hand.
        “AAAAAAH!” screamed Colin.
        “Bitch, please!” said Juanita.
        “GO!”

        Colin and Jim ran like madmen toward the water and dove down to retrieve their chests, but their strategies were much different. Jim took a long, drawn-out breath, dove down and didn’t come back up for another forty seconds. When he finally did, he had a wooden chest in his hands.
        Colin took a more desperate approach – short breaths, multiple dives. The lack of air didn’t allow him to go very deep, and as a result he was having trouble seeing the chests.
        “AAAH, GODDAMNIT AAAAH!” he yelled, swallowing water as he dove down.
        “COLIN, TAG OUT!” Stephenie shouted.
        “GRAAAAW! GAAASAGSGAAGA!”
        “Oh, Jesus, go get him Rupert,” Stephenie ordered.
        Rupert ran quickly toward Colin.

        Meanwhile, Jim had opened the first box. It contained a necklace with a round gold symbol on it.
        “It’s the Power of Veto from Big Brother,” he said.
        “Correct! Iara with one, Caipora with zero. Next person, go!”
        Janelle sped towards the water, golden hair blowing in the wind, and gave the camera a coy little wink before diving down to retrieve her chest.

        By that time, Colin was sulking back at the beach and Rupert was running back to the mat with Caipora’s first chest.
        “What is it?” asked Clay. A couple of Claymates hiding behind a tree fainted at the sound of his voice.
        “A green piece of paper that says FF,” said Rupert, “What is that?”
        “A Fast Forward…from my show.”
        “Caipora now has one,” Jeff shouted, “Both teams are even.”

        But that wasn’t true. By the time Scott ran down to the water, shirt off, Janelle was already back at the Iara mat with her team’s third chest.
        “Ooh, open it,” said April.
        “Oh my god, a boob,” said Kathy.
        “Two boobs, there’s two,” said Jim.
        “What the fuck kind of show would this be?” said Janelle.
        “Oh, God, you people are pathetic,” Omarosa barked, “Boobs are about the only thing that will keep Donald Trump from firing you.”
        “Well, that makes sense,” Janelle giggled.

        Omarosa was correct, of course, but the time they spent deliberating cost Iara the lead. Scott managed to bring back Caipora’s second item (a cookbook from Hell’s Kitchen), and therefore Stephenie and Juanita left their respective team mats at the exact same time.
        To everyone’s surprise, Juanita was a fierce physical competitor. Stephenie was faster, of course, but Juanita kept up. They made it to the water a second apart.
        Stephenie found a chest first, and was in the process of returning to the beach when Juanita, seizing the opportunity, ran in front of her and tried to steal the chest.
        “What the hell are you doing?” Stephenie yelled, “Let go of my chest!”
        “Bitch, whateva,” Juanita said, “There ain’t no rule against stealin’”
        “She’s not playing with integrity!” said Rupert.
        “Who CAY-URS about integrity?” said April.
        “Yay, you’ve been demaggified!” Janelle giggled.
        “Let go of my chest,” Stephenie complained, attempting to dodge Juanita, “Do you even know who you’re messing with? Do you know who I am?”
        This, it seemed, struck a nerve.
        “DO YOU KNOW WHO AH AM?” Juanita shouted, “I’M JUANITA AN’ I WAS AXIN’ YOU TO GIVE ME YO CHEST NICELY, BUT YOU WON’T, SO FUCK YOU BITCH!”
        She snapped her fingers three times, pouted her lips, bopped her head and spit in Stephenie’s face. She let go of the crate, and Juanita brought it to the yellow mat.
        “Hurry, open it” said Charla.
        Juanita opened it. Inside was a laminated picture of vocal coach Debra Byrd.
        “OOH,” Juanita shouted, “It be da singin’ lady! From mah show!”
        “Iara with three, Caipora with two.”

        Forced to return and grab another chest, Stephenie was now furious. She slammed her new chest on the mat so hard that it shattered, thus saving her the trouble of opening it.
        It was a diary with a fingerprint on it.
        “That’s from The Mole,” Clay concluded.
        “Correct,” said Jeff.
        Millions of females who remained unseen cheered loudly and obnoxiously.

        By then it was a done deal. Clay and Charla ran the course next (Clay wasn’t allowed to remove his shirt for fear that the Claymates would invade the challenge site), and ever the gentleman, he let her run a little ahead of him.

        He didn’t realize there was only one chest left.
        “CLAY,” Stephenie shouted, “CLAY, GRAB HER CHEST!”
        “I am NOT grabbing her boobs.”
        “No, the chest!”
        He got it eventually, but his utter Clayness would never allow him to cheat. So it was only a matter of time before Charla opened the chest and identified the Immunity Necklace from Survivor.
        “IARA WINS IMMUNITY!”
        “THANK YOU LOOORD!” shouted Widow Weaver.
        “Congratulations, Iara,” said Julie Chen, “You are the NEW Immunity Winners. Jeff, please hand Iara the immunity idol.”
        And as he did, Iara was surprised to see that even Omarosa seemed happy.

        It had truly been a good day.

        ……………………

        DAY 3

        CAIPORA CAMP

        STEPHENIE: This is a nightmare…a pure nightmare…I’m so tired of losing….this is so gay.

        Caipora had lost, and despite Marcellas’s best attempts to keep the morale up, shouting “HAPPY MONDAY SWEETIE!” was not Stephenie’s idea of fun. She and Colin pouted all morning.
       
        STEPHENIE: Once again, I get stuck on a sucky team. Those girls thought I was a threat, so they made me come here. I didn’t want to come to this team.

        CLAY: Stephenie and Colin have terrible attitudes. It seems that when things don’t go their way, all they can do is mope around like it’s the end of the world.

        Clay and Stephenie had become close friends. Stephenie’s subconscious need for a Rafe-like pawn combined with Clay’s complete adversity to male friends had brought the two very close. So close, in fact, that he felt she deserved a pep talk.
        “Listen,” he said, “Don’t you dare give up. You tried to tell them what to do, but…..they did not listen, they did not know how…perhaps they’ll listen now.”
        He broke into soft song. She gave him a hug.

        STEPHENIE: Clay sang to me. I mean, I know he’s gay and all that, but he sings pretty. And that motivated me enough.

        So much, in fact, that right away she switched from woe-is-me to let’s-make-a-deal.
        “So listen,” she told Rupert, “You and I are the strongest people on this team. What do you say we get together with Colin and Alan and vote off Dewberry?”
        “I don’t know,” Rupert said, “I like old Dewberry…I don’t know.”
        It was true. Rupert and Dewberry had developed a close relationship over the course of the last three days, and Rupert had promised him to watch his back.
        “Rupert,” Stephenie insisted, “You have to be ruthless in this game. I say we vote off Dewberry, it’s our best shot.”

        At lunch, they decided to put off strategy-talking so Clay could sing for the team.
        “Hold me cloooooose….in your aaaaaarms….if you told me that there’s where heaven is at you’d be riiiiiight”       
        ALAN: Having Clay around is definitely a bonus. Guy doesn’t talk much, but when he sings it’s entertaining. I’m just holding out until he sings “I will survive” so my life can be complete and I can laugh at him.

        STEPHENIE: Sure, he’s gay and troll-ish, but his voice sends chills down my spine. It’s orgasmic.

        Marcellas was the only one who seemed bothered by the sudden spike in Clay’s stocks.

        MARCELLAS: How dare he threaten my popularity? Marcellas and Boo will see to this.

        He clutched his beloved porcelain gnome tightly in his hands. He had to cut this cancer now.

        ……………………………….

        TRIBAL COUNCIL

        On the evening of the third day, the Caipora tribe hiked to Tribal Council where Jeff was waiting for them.
        “Behind you are your torches,” said Jeff, “In this game, fire represents—“
        “Our lives, we know it Jeff, you say it every time.” Stephenie grabbed a torch, lit it, rolled her eyes and took a seat.
        “Well, then,” Jeff said, “If you know so much about Survivor, why did you lose today?”
        “We lost because I got put on the wrong team,” Stephenie said, “But those girls didn’t want me.”
        “If I recall correctly,” Jeff said, “You were the one who asked to be moved to this team.”
        “I think your memory’s failing you, Jeff.”
        And she didn’t say another word, so Jeff moved on.
        “Marcellas,” he asked, “How are you holding up physically?”
        “Well,” he said, blushing at the sight of Jeff, “It has been quite…interesting. Boo and I are obviously not as strong as…say…Stephenie or Rupert or Colin, but we hold out own.”
        “Dewberry,” Jeff asked, “Have you made any friends?”
        “For the first time in my life, Jeff, I have,” said Dewberry, “Rupert and I have become close friends.”
        “Of course you did, nobody else wants to befriend you two,” Colin snapped.
        “How are you holding up physically?”
        “Well,” Dewberry said, “I’ll be the first to admit I’m the weakest person here, but what I lack in strength I make up for in perseverance.”
        “So, Rupert,” Jeff asked, “When you go up there to vote, do you keep your friend even though he is weak or do you get rid of a friendship in order to stay.”
        Rupert growled a semi-intelligible answer about integrity and honor.
        “Eloquently put,” said Jeff, “It is time to vote. Colin, you’re first.”

        Colin got up, made his way to the voting confessional, cast his vote and sat back down. Scott followed. Then Dewberry, Sam, Alan and Clay.
        Marcellas voted for Clay. “There can only be one star in this show, and I’m gonna make sure I’m it. “
        Stephenie, as she had told Rupert, voted against Dewberry. “Nothing against you,” she said, “You’re just fat and gay and southern. Nothing personal.”
        Rupert was the last to vote. He cried. He covered his eyes. He looked up into the sky and asked Laura Boneham for advice. He watched somebody’s dream die just like his had twice now, and decided he couldn’t do that to someone. So he voted for himself.

        “I’ll go tally the votes.”
        Jeff left to go retrieve the voting urn. Rupert was going into hysterics.
        “Once the votes are read, the decision is final. The person voted out will be asked to leave the Tribal Council area immediately. I’ll read the votes,”

        He opened the urn.
        “First vote,” Jeff read, “Clay.”
        Clay’s eyelashes fluttered.
        “Next vote……Rupert.”
        Rupert simply nodded. Stephenie’s jaw dropped.
        “That’s one vote Clay, one vote Rupert. Next vote,” he continued, “Dewberry.”
        Dewberry closed his eyes. Rupert patted him on the back.
        “Next vote……Colin.”
        “Wow,” said Colin.
        “What, does everybody get one?” Marcellas joked.
        “Next vote….Dewberry. That’s two votes Dewberry, one vote each for Colin, Rupert and Clay. Next vote…..Colin. Two votes Colin.”
        “Jesus Christ,” said Stephenie.
        “Next vote…..Dewberry. Three votes Dewberry, two votes Colin, two votes left. Next vote…..”
        Rupert’s beard was now glistening with tear droplets. Dewberry kept fanning himself and saying “I got the vapors”.
        “The first person voted out of the Caipora tribe is…..”
        Rupert closed his eyes.
        “…..Dewberry. Dewberry, that’s four votes, that’s enough. The last vote will remain a mystery. Please bring me your torch.”
        Rupert was now bawling. “I’m sorry Dewberry.”
        “Darlin’, it’s ok,” he said, “It’s fine. Really is.”
        He brought his torch to Jeff.
        “Dewberry, the tribe has spoken.”
        And with that, Dewberry left the game forever.

        “Well,” said Jeff, “From this vote I can gather this tribe has no idea where it’s going. Grab your torches and head back to camp.”
       
        And before he could flood the Council set, Rupert and the others grabbed their torches and left.

        …………………………………………………