Yuku free message boards

Here's episode 2. Enjoy!

---

Previous Episodes:

Episode 01 - The Breast Is Yet To Come

---

EPISODE 2 – “CAN YOU FEEL THE OX-CITEMENT?”


IARA TRIBE




CAIPORA TRIBE





DAY 4

        Stephenie had never known that one Tribal Council could change the mood of the entire camp. Sure, she’d been to five million of them and survived quite a few, and in her mind Dewberry’s elimination was quite insignificant. Alas, he was nothing but an overweight gay cook who had no business trying to take her deserved million bucks.
        She was therefore surprised to find that the team had taken it rather personally.
Rupert was in a state of shock. Having lost his good friend despite trying to sacrifice himself, he spent the entire morning sulking in a corner and bawling his eyes out.

        RUPERT: His dreams have died….all he wanted was a friend, and his dreams have died.

        Clay also seemed distressed. He was sure Colin’s abrasive attitude and piss-poor performance at the Immunity Challenge would seal his fate, but was surprised to see Dewberry eliminated with five votes.
        Nobody, however, took the elimination more personally than Marcellas. Clay was still very much alive despite Marcellas’s vote against him.

        MARCELLAS: That little bitch is still here, and people still like him, and I don’t understand WHY!! I’m cute! I’m adorable! He’s a troll! WHY???

        When breakfast time rolled along the team felt for the first time the absence of Dewberry. His cooking skills came in handy at mealtimes, and because he was so good at cooking rice nobody else had bothered to learn how to do it.
        This morning, their rice was supposed to have been prepared by Colin, but because the water took so long to boil he got frustrated, began screaming and waving his arms in a manic way, and ended up walking straight into the nearest tree. An hour and a broken nose later the team discovered having Scott cook the rice was an even worse idea.
        “Um, yo,” he said apologetically, “I sort of uh…at it all.”
        “What?” Stephenie screamed, clearly baffled, “You ate all the rice?”
        “What you gon’ do about it, bitch?”
        “You can’t just eat all our rice like that,” said Marcellas, “That rice did not belong to just you.”
        Scott simply clicked his tongue and walked away.

        MARCELLAS: I was LI-VID! That…that….thing ate the only source of nourishment we had. I’m angry and I’m upset and I wanna go home.

        STEPHENIE: I mean…I know FaFu is a loud obnoxious fat-assed jerk, but he’s just like me, you know? We hit it off.

        Tribal division was at an all-time high. Stephenie’s alliance had become arrogant and cocky. The group, which consisted of Stephenie, Colin, Alan, Sam and Scott, had named themselves “The Monarchy”, and acted accordingly. Stephenie was the self-proclaimed Queen Bee, while Colin served as her lowly King. Alan and Scott were her henchmen, and poor, oblivious Sam was at the very bottom of the chain.
        Clay, despite his friendship with Stephenie, was not part of the group and did not know about its existence. He was almost a sixth wheel waiting to be used by Queen Stephenie in case there was ever a switch that separated the core alliance of five.
        To the Monarchy, it was almost as if Marcellas and Rupert didn’t exist. Rupert didn’t seem to mind, as he had pretty much given up on the game and had resorted to moping Dewberry’s exit endlessly in a corner. Marcellas, however, received daily blasts of Monarch fury and didn’t seem to find it possible that people actually thought he wasn’t the next coming of Christ. Stephenie, whom he admired deeply, ignored his every attempt at starting a conversation. He refused to speak to Colin and Scott due to their “overwhelming rudeness”, and Alan was afraid of talking to him because last time he tried Marcellas drooled all over himself. Every once in a while Sam’s compassionate side sometimes got the best of him and he attempted to say a feeble “hi” to Marcellas, but was quickly reprimanded by Stephenie, who threatened to throw his luxury item (an autographed picture of Donald Trump) into the ocean if he didn’t get away from Marcellas at once.
        “Miss Stephenie, I was just being nice,” he’d say.
        “But he’s retarded and gay,” she’d reply, “Don’t listen to him.”

        STEPHENIE: Sam is sort of an interesting aspect, because he is in our alliance, but he’s completely useless. You know, when you have to keep constantly reminding someone to know blow their cover it becomes very frustrating.

        “Sam, don’t talk to him ag—Sam?”
        But Sam had fallen asleep again and was not listening.

        ………

IARA CAMP

DAY 4

        Unlike the Monarchy, the core alliance of the Iara tribe was kept mostly under wraps. As the only male, Jim had become the undisputed leader of the team, but his group took the anti-Stephenie approach. Kathy, Janelle, April and Charla made no mention whatsoever of their 5-strong alliance to the other 4 members of the tribe.

        JANELLE: We decided to keep our alliance a secret for two reasons. First, it’s stupid to tell people. Second, Omarosa’s already such a freaking bitch that I’m afraid if I tell her we plan to vote her out first she’ll go insane and eat my hair when I’m sleeping.

        Omarosa had once again managed to gain the ire of her fellow teammates, but this time it was completely warranted by her self-contradiction.

        APRIL: Omarosa does not deserve to be here. She complains about being hungry but refuses to go look for food. Then, when we complain to her about it she calls us racists.

        JULIE CHEN: It is getting extremely personal in Iara camp. How will Omarosa’s behavior affect the tribe as they compete for Immunity? Find out in two days, on Survivor: Reality Stars.

        JUANITA: Dat girl be whack. I even told her she be lazy and she called me racist! I wuz like, “Bitch, ain’t you be realizin’ we’s da same race?” What a crack ho!

        Alas, in the end Omarosa’s stomach was bigger than her mouth, and she was forced to look for food.
        She lasted two whole minutes without muttering a single derogatory word (“a record,” Jim noted), until history repeated itself.
        Mrs. Weaver spotter a golden monkey in the trees, and as the team stopped to admire it, the monkey threw an apple at Omarosa’s head.
        All hell broke loose.

        “I didn’t come here to be humiliated and bruised by something as banal as a monkey,” she complained, and stormed off.
        “He’s cute,” said Janelle grinning. The monkey had come down from the tree and crawled into Janelle’s arms, where he was fondling her hair and smelling her flower-scented skin.
        “I’ll tell you what – I don’t need this,” Omarosa said, “People at home love me and adore me and don’t throw apples at my head.”

        She walked back to camp, took off her shirt and went sunbathing.

        OMAROSA: I went sunbathing because it actually requires very little energy and allowed me to relax my head. I decided to go topless because the pressure of a top was actually sending too much blood to my brain and hurting my already-bruised head.

        CHARLA: I didn’t feel like it was necessary for her to sit there sunbathing naked like a….er….lady of the evening.

        KATHY: Ok, I’ll be the first to admit that I suck at everything. I suck big donkey balls. But Omarosa somehow manages to suck just a little bit more.

        April seemed to take Omarosa’s outburst to heart.
        “Ah swear, y’all. There is no way this tribe likes her. No way. And if they honestly like her then they are all pieces of shit, and I’ll say so on my Blob.”
        “It’s blog,” said Janelle, “And we don’t get one here, doofus.”

        JIM: Omarosa’s outburst doesn’t bother me in the least. I actually almost welcomed it with open arms, because she keeps digging herself into a deeper hole every time she opens her mouth, so it’s easy to convince my sheep to vote her off.

        That afternoon, Juanita got the treemail.
        “Oh mah gaaah,” she said, “Dis suck!”
        And she read:

        There’s 30 of them, 15 for each
        Your job is to move them up off of the beach
        Keep pulling and tugging until they obey
        And maybe, just maybe you’ll have fish today

        “Ah don’t eat seafood,” Juanita cried, “Dang!”
        “Aw, it’s ok, Juanita,” said Janelle, “I’ll give you my rice.”

        APRIL: Janelle only thinks about herself. I’m very sorry to be in an alliance with her because she is so selfish.

        ……………………

REWARD CHALLENGE – OX Y MORONS

        Early in the afternoon the tribes met Jeff Probst on challenge beach for their first reward challenge.
        It was an unusual sight. Jeff was standing in between two large structures, both of which were covered with a thick tarp so that nobody could see what was inside.
        “Come on in, guys,” he shouted and waved his right arm, “Iara, taking your first look at the new Caipora tribe. Dewberry voted off at the last Tribal Council.”
        “Aw,” said Charla, “Poor Blueberry!”
        “Today’s challenge will involve trust,” Jeff continued, “Because you have to move these.”
        He snapped his fingers, and the tarps covering the large structures fell off.
        They were large pens, each containing 15 full-grown oxen.
        Colin’s jaw dropped.
        “One person will be your guide,” Jeff said, “The others will be blindfolded. Your job is to transfer all fifteen of your oxen from the pen on the beach to the one in the jungle. First tribe to move all fifteen of their oxen wins reward. Wanna know what you’re playing for?”
        “Not really,” said Omarosa.
        Jeff air of smug arrogance suddenly vanished. Six years in the business and he had never heard anything but “YEAH” when he asked his infamous question.
        “Oh…I….uh,” he stumbled, “Well…I’ll….uh…I’ll tell you anyway. Winning tribe will win a visit from a personal psychic who will give you advice on the game. Worth playing for?”
        “Honestly, Jeff,” said Janelle, “No. Not really.”
        “But we’ll play anyway," said Mama Weaver, "We have nothing better to do.”
        “Ok,” Jeff proceeded, “Who’s sitting out?”
        “ME!” Colin shouted.
        “COLIN!” Stephenie shouted.
        “Your tribe has less people,” Jeff said, “You can’t sit out. It has to be someone from Iara.”
        “We don’t care, they can have more people,” Colin said, “I can’t compete in this.”
        “Iara,” Jeff said, ignoring Colin’s loud grunts, “You have an extra person. Who’s sitting out?”
        Omarosa made it very clear that if she wasn’t the one to sit out she would purposefully bring oxen back to the beach, so the choice to sit her out was unanimous.

        The guides were going to be Charla for Iara and Sam for Caipora. Everyone else was blindfolded. Colin was practically having a seizure.
“Survivors ready…..go!”

        It was mass pandemonium. Common sense was a not a trait many of these people possessed, and therefore they acted largely on instinct.
        “Juanita, right! Right Juanita!” Charla screamed, “That’s good, Jim, si señor, veri gúd!”
        “Stephenie, four steps to the right!”
        “It’s Miss Stephenie to you!”
        “Right! Miss Stephenie, four steps to the right.”

        Juanita and Stephenie reached their respective pens at the same time. Despite her arrogance, Stephenie played smart when it came to challenges. She felt her way around the pen gate and opened it just enough to squeeze her way in.
        “FaFu, block the door,” she said, “Don’t let them out.”
        Scott grumbled and stood by the door.

        Juanita didn’t suffer from chronic smugness, but played dumb. The minute she figured out how to open the gate she did just that, and a dozen oxen walked happily out of the pen and toward Omarosa, who forgot about her concussion almost instantly and ran feverishly back to camp.
        “Grab them, grab them,” Charla screamed.
        “I got one,” Janelle shouted. She had an ox by the neck and was dragging it blindly up the beach and into the jungle.
        “Four steps forward, Kathy,” Charla screamed.
        “Clay, three steps to the right,” Sam yelled.
        BAM! They ran into each other.
        “Sorry,” Clay said, “Much forgiveness.”
        “Watch it, Gayken!” Kathy shouted.

        For about twenty minutes the challenge went smoothly. Juanita’s idea to open the gate and let the oxen out turned out not to be so bad after all – Charla simply let multiple team members to multiple oxen so that in twenty minutes Iara already had seven oxen in their jungle pen. Caipora was a close second with five.
        “Alan, three steps…..there, open the door and stick it in.”
        Alan earned Caipora another point.
        “Marcellas, there’s one to your right, grab it!”
        “I am not touching that nasty, disgusting, germ-infested thing,” said Marcellas, “Sorry, it’s a gay thing.”
        “I got it,” said Clay as he grabbed the ox.
        “I GOT ONE,” they heard Colin shout from the jungle, “AAAAAAAH YOU BASTARD, I AM GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!”
        “Colin, we didn’t let any out!” Stephenie shouted.
        What Colin had indeed grabbed was the mossy trunk of a tree.
        “IT’S NOT MOVING!! AAARGHGHRRGHAAAAAGH!!!”
        The rest of the tribe couldn’t see Colin, so they decided it was best to ignore him and proceed with two less members (since Marcellas had refuses to take part any longer and was now sitting on the sand muttering “gross” and “germaphobic” to himself.)

        Juanita had Iara’s last ox.
        “Dang,” she said, “Dis bitch be heavy!”
        “All right, Juanita,” Charla shouted, “Four steps forward! Jimbo, help her out, she’s to your left!”
        Jim grabbed the back end of the ox, and together they walked it to the jungle pen.
        Victory for Iara.

        “IARA WINS REWARD!” Jeff shouted.
        Colin was still tugging at the tree trying to get it to move.
        “AAAAAARGHGHGHR!” said Colin.
        “Colin,” said Stephenie, “The Challenge is over.”
        But Colin wasn’t easy to convince. Determine to move his immobile “ox”, he gave it a good hearty kick.
        A branch broke off.
        It fell on top of Caipora’s jungle pen.
        It broke down the gate and startles all the oxen, who began running for their lives in a massive stampede.
        Straight toward Jeff Probst.

        ………………………………

DAY 4

CAIPORA CAMP

        Dear Tribes,

        There has been an accident at the Reward Challenge, and your host has been evacuated. As a result, a temporary host will be introduced to you at the next Immunity Challenge.

        “Oh wow,” said Stephenie, “Too bad. We still lost.”

        STEPHENIE: I am so pissed. It’s like I’m stuck in a bad nightmare and can’t get out of it.

        Marcellas’s display at the reward challenge did nothing to improve his position in tribal hierarchy. In fact, he went from being ignored to being downright disrespected.
        “Look,” Stephenie scowled, “It’s germafaggot!”
        “Yo, Marcy,” said Scott, “I gots somethin’ for you.”
        He sneezed on Marcellas’s head.

        MARCELLAS: These people are so horrible…..I wanna go home….my heart just can’t take it anymore…but the second person voted off is NEVER the most popular, so I have to stay here until at least the final seven…with those horrible, horrible people.

        Fearing another attack, Marcellas chose to sleep by the tree with Rupert.

        ………………………..

DAY 5

IARA CAMP

        The psychic came to camp after breakfast on day five. She was a portly woman of about 40 who wore an orange tunic and a gold turban. Her hair was curly and wild. She had a large mole on her left cheek and fingernails that each must have measured two inches, painted a deep red color.
        “Allo, children,” she shouted, “I yam Miss Makumba! Ask me, and yi shall answer!”
        “Ooh, girl, I be lovin’ dat do on you!” Juanita said, “Where you got it at, Pendy’s?”
        “Ebony’s,” said Miss Makumba.

        KATHY: How weird is this? I am in the middle of a deserted island in Brazil with a midget, a lady with a tail and that bitch Omarosa, and we’re getting advice about Survivor from Miss Cleo’s fat sister. It’s like a bad sitcom.

        The majority of the team was fairly excited to see someone new at camp. Omarosa promoted team unity by making her way down to the beach alone to sunbathe, and Mrs. Weaver looked as if she had just bathed in shit.

        LINDA WEAVER: Why, I know the Lord, and the Lord does not approve of this Makumba stuff. He told me. So I’m choosing to stay away from there.

        As Mrs. Weaver made herself busy by collecting berries from a nearby bush, Miss Makumba met with the other seven members of the team.
        “Ooh, child,” she said to April as she felt her palm, “I see your priorities are not set correctly. It seems to me that the one you love does not love you back…or at least, not how you want him to. Oh, he wants….a treat. I’m not quite sure what that means.”
        “Mah Pepperoni,” said April, “How can you say he doesn’t love me when he’s not even here to defend himself?”
        “Child, I was merely –“
        “I don’t CAY-UR!”

        One by one, Miss Makumba read the tribe members’ palms. She provided clichéd, overused comments, and her “premonitions” were obviously simple lucky guesses such as “I predict you will compete for Immunity” and “Someone will win a million dollars.”
        When she reached Janelle, she said her aura was very bright and that she shouldn’t ever get hair extensions because her natural hair was beautiful, to which April rolled her eyes.

        JANELLE: Miss Makumba was great. She was ugly as hell, but at least she was funny.

        APRIL: Ah did not like that Ma-cum-ba lady. She got on mah last nerve.

        As Miss Makumba prepared to leave, Charla and Kathy prepared her a meal of rice and berries, which she politely declined. “No thanks, child, I got a nine-inch pepperoni pizza waitin’ in my trailer.”
        And then she left.

        KATHY: That was the most pointless reward ever. We got nothing out of it. Watch it, next week the reward winners get to personally lick Probst’s toilet.

        In the post-Makumba confusion, Jim decided to round his troops. Charla, April, Kathy and Janelle met with him under a tree to discuss the possibility of Iara losing the immunity challenge.
        “Who do we vote off then?” he asked.
        “Omarosa,” Janelle, Kathy and Charla said in unison. April simply opened her mouth, nodded, and closed it again.

        …………..

DAY 6

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE – WRAPSTARS

        Caipora’s Monarchy alliance was flaunting its imminent superiority at every possible chance they had. Stephenie, as always, led the march to the Immunity Challenge, followed by her minions in rank order – Colin, Alan, Scott and Sam. Clay walked closely behind Sam. Marcellas stood as far back as he possibly could and walked with eyes closed, occasionally bumping into a tree, wiping his forehead and continuing.
        Iara arrived soon after, all but Omarosa and Mama Weaver wearing leaf-turbans in honor of Miss Makumba’s teachings.
        There was no host at all in sight.

        The teams waited patiently for the arrival of their new moderator, but one never came, so they began to get impatient.
        It wasn’t until Omarosa headed down to the beach to sunbathe and Marcellas began filing Boo’s fingernails that they heard something moving in the bushes.
        “Am…am I on?” said a thin voice from the foliage.
        “Shh. Yes, you are, go!” said a whispered British voice Janelle instantly recognized as Mark Burnett’s.
        “Oh, sorryness,” said the thin voice, “Is is this way?”
        “Yes, go!”
        “Ok, geez, sour man, sour man,” said the voice, “I’m going.”
        Whoever the person in the woods was began to move towards the contestants. This even seemed to spark Omarosa’s interest, for she got up and rejoined her team on Iara’s yellow mat.
        More foliage moved, and then the survivors spotted a foot poking out of the foliage, wearing black stilettos and cleanly shaven – a woman.
        And when she fully stepped into the sunlight….
        “OMG, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! HI GUYS, IT’S ME!!!!”

        It was Holly King, supreme blonde ditz of Big Brother 5.
        “Oh, give me a break,” Omarosa growled.
        “Hiiiiiiii, I’m Holly,” she squeaked, “And I’m your new host! Yaaaaay, isn’t that great?? Oh, hi Alan, you’re such a cutie! Janelle, my sweetness, helloooooo!         Oh my God, is it hot in here or is it just me? You know, I once went on vacation in—“
        “HOLLY!” the British voice yelled.
        “Oops, sorryness,” she said, “Weeeeeell, it’s time for your second Immunity Challenge! Yaaaaaaay!”
        “Yaaaaaaay!” the Iara tribe yelled.
        “For this challenge, we are gonna have two very special GUESTS! YAAAAAAAAY!”
        From out of the foliage came two other women – One was tall, black, with an enormous mouth and a long black weave with red highlights. The other was short, white and porky.
        “Guuuys, look,” said Holly, “It’s Diana and Trenyce from American Idol!! Yaaaaaay!”
        “Hi girls,” said Clay.
        “Ok,” said Holly, “So I’m gonna take this color-coded rope and tie each girl’s arms and legs so they can’t move. The object of this game is to make an IDOL SHISH KEBOB! Each team will carry one of the girls to the ocean and dip her in there so she’s aaaaaaaall wet and covered with water, right. Then you have to cover her with sand so she gets nice and crispy and put her on our Survivor GRILL!! Yaaaay, Barbecue, I love barbecue! First team to place their Idol on the grill wins…..THE IMMUNITY IDOL! YAAAAAAY!”
        “Who the fuck came up with this concept?” Janelle asked.
        “It was Debbie. Debb Eaton,” said Holly, “She’s running the art department now. Anyways, that old immunity idol was boring so I figured I’d get one that’s more fabuloooous! Diana, show her to us!”
        Diana stepped aside and revealed the new immunity idol: A mannequin.
        “Guuuys, this is Immunisha, the new Immunity Idol,” Holly said, “If you win her, you will not have to go to Tribal Council, you’ll be safe for three more daaaays! Yaaaay!”
        “Somebody please shoot her,” said Stephenie.
        “All right guuuys! In your spots, chop chop, let’s go, whoo hoo!”

        The Iara tribe ended up having to barbecue Trenyce. The Caiporas got Diana.
        “Everyone ready?” Holly asked.
        “C’mon, y’all!” said Diana.
        “Heck yeah, paybee!” said Trenyce.
        “All right then…….it’s time, get started, set, GOOOO!!! YAAAAAAY!”

        Right away Diana fell.
        “God,” Stephenie complained, “Why do you have to be so goddamned fat?”
        “Stephanie, shut up and Carrie her,” said Marcellas.

        “Come on, girls,” Jim shouted at the Iaras, “Left! Right! Left! Right!”
        “Which one be da left?” Juanita asked.
        “Left! Right! Come on girls, we need this immunity!” said Jim.
        “Like murder, like breasts, like Wayne!” said Trenyce.

        It was quite obvious from the beginning that the yellow Iara tribe had their stuff together. Their steps were controlled and synchronized, and even the occasional slip by Juanita didn’t seem to set them too far back.
        Caipora, on the other hand, was a mess. Six grown men, a girl and an androgynous elf could not seem to lift Diana off the ground.
        “C’mon, y’all,” she shouted.
        “Ok, ready?” Stephanie asked, “One, two, three, lift!”
        “AAAAAAGHAGAGAAAHAGAG!” said Colin.
        “We got her, we got her,” FaFu shouted, “Run!”
        Running, it seemed, was a bad idea. Diana simply fell again.
        “Hey, let’s roll her,” Alan suggested.

        Iara made it to the water with relative ease, so in their careless jubilation they managed not only to dip Trenyce in the ocean, for to forget all about her and cause her to almost drown. It wasn’t until April (who was sitting out) noticed Trenyce’s tied legs poking out of the water and pointing to the sky that the team realized their kebob was being overmarinated.
        “Oh my god, you guys, help her!” said Janelle.
        Jim, Kathy and Juanita ran into the water and pulled a coughing, heaving Trenyce out of the salty ocean.
        “Oh mah gah,” said Juanita, “Dat bitch be dead!”

        The fuss over Trenyce allowed Caipora to successfully roll Diana into the water, and they were now happily making their way up the beach. Since she was already on the ground there was no need to pour sand over Diana, so it was only a matter of time before they reached the grill.

        It was now or never for Iara.
        “Come on guys, throw sand at her!” Jim ordered.
        The team immediately began grabbing fistfuls of pearly white sand and chucking them at Trenyce.
        “AAAH,” she shouted, “What the fuck are you doing? Untie me, goddamnit, untie me!”
        “We’re gonna lose!”

        The Caiporas were winning, and it wasn’t even close. Clay and Diana were now singing.
        “And we Rollin’”
        “YEAH!”
        “Rollin”
        “YEAH!”
        “Rollin on the river!”
        “Bitches,” said Trenyce, “That is my song!”
        “CAIPORA WINS IMMUNISHA!!” Holly shouted, “YAAAAAY! HERE YOU GO!”
        She attempted to hand Immunisha to Alan, but then thought about it and gave her to Clay. “I know she’ll be safe with you! And Iara tribe….awww, don’t be sad, be glad!”
        “Sorry about the sand Trenyce,” said Charla.
        But Trenyce had untied herself, stolen Omarosa’s suntan lotion and run away.

        …………………

DAY SIX

IARA CAMP

        JANELLE: Well, we lost our first immunity challenge so now we have to go and vote somebody off.

        From the moment Caipora took Immunisha home it was game on for Jim.
        “Ok, here’s the deal,” he told his alliance, “We vote off Omarosa, keep the other three happy, and lose them next time we go.”
        “Gotcha,” said Charla.

        From a game point of view, this should have been an easy vote. Omarosa had all but begged to be voted off, and her elimination would bring about both the elimination of a cancer as well as a guarantee that for the next three Tribal Councils Jim’s alliance was safe.
        April, however, was beginning to have serious doubts about who she was voting for. She hated Omarosa as much as anyone, but her personal score with Janelle had yet to be settled.

        JANELLE: Last time Janelle and I competed against one another she used me to get to the Final 3, and I am afraid she is setting out to do the same this time.

        In an attempt to change the balance of power, April gathered Omarosa, Juanita, Mama Weaver and Julie Chen in a corner.
        “All right, y’all, here’s the deal,” she said, “The other four have an agreement to get rid of y’all, and they pretty much have the votes guaranteed.”
        “Dem bitches,” said Juanita, “What I did to dem asses?”
        “The only way for you four to survive is to band together and form an alliance against Janelle.”
        “Why Janelle?” said Omarosa, “Why not Jim? He seems to be running things. He’s loud, he’s rude, he’s obnoxious, he’s abrasive, he curses…”
        “Yeah, but Janelle has hair extensions!”
        “NO!” said Omarosa.
        “BLASPHEMY!” said Mama Weaver.
        “NAH UH!” said Juanita.
        “How will this shocking revelation affect the tribe?” said Julie Chen.
        “So, I don’t know about y’all, but I’m voting for her,” said April, “She does not deserve to be here.
        “Ah agree,” said Juanita, “Let’s vote dat bitch out!”

        ……………………

TRIBAL COUNCIL

        That evening, the nine members of the Iara tribe went to their first Tribal Council, where Holly was waiting for them. This time she was wearing a pink leather catsuit and, given the gigantic bonfire, seemed to regret the idea.
        “Hiiii, guys,” she said, “Grab a torchy and light it! Make a pretty flame of life!”
        The nine Iaras lit their torches and sat down.
        “Weeeeell,” Holly said, “How are thing going at camp?”

        It would’ve been in April’s best interest to keep her mouth shut. The concept, however, was foreign to her.
        “Well, there’s a lot of bad energy coming from certain people and it drags the mood of the camp down.”
        “Ooh, moodswings,” said Holly, “My mommy had those when she got off the pill. HI MOMMY! Anyways, who’s being moody, April?”
        “Well,” April continued, “Omarosa has been very negative about this whole experience. You know, she lied about having a concussion, and she was campaigning to get Janelle voted off.
        “What?” said Omarosa, “That was all you!”
        “What?” said Janelle, “What the fuck April?”
        “Did you campaign against Janelle April?” Jim asked.
        “No….well, yes and no. It wasn’t campaigning, it was creative fact-relating.”
        “What the fuck, Busto?” said Janelle, “I was on your side, you gold digging bitch.”
        “Janelle, do not do this, ah like you!”
        “April, you said this was my fault!” said Omarosa.
        “It was, you were going to vote for Janelle tonight!”
        “Well, so was you,” said Juanita, “You be whack!”
        “Ah was explaining myself,” April cried, “Janelle, I was gonna vote against you, but it wasn’t because I didn’t like you, it’s because you have hair extensions!”
        “I don’t have fucking hair extensions!”
        “You be lyin’” said Juanita.
        “Shut the fuck up!” said Janelle.
        “Things are getting extremely personal at the Tribal Council set,” said Julie Chen, “How will Janelle’s explosive behavior affect the tribe? Find out live, right now.”
        “GUYS!” Holly shouted, “Gosh, you’re louder than Jase. Whoosh. Speaking of Jase, his weenie really wasn’t—“
        “THE VOTE!” yelled the British voice.
        “Oopsie-daisies,” said Holly, “Janelle, it’s time to vote.”

        Wihout consulting her alliance, Janelle switched her vote to April. “Bye Bye, Bitch,” she said as she inserted the voting card into the urn.
        Jim followed suit. April had betrayed the alliance and was thus untrustworthy.
        April and Omarosa's fight caused them both to vote against each other.
        Hoping against hope that the anti-Janelle alliance would hold strong, Juanita, Julie and Mama Weaver all voted against Janelle.
        Thus, the decision came down to Charla and Kathy - ultimately, their votes would determine everyones fate.
        But they had no idea who they were voting for. Their alliance's original plan was to vote for Omarosa, but after the argument at Tribal Council, they figured April might be on the chopping block.
        “All righty, guys,” Holly says, “I get to tally the voooootes!!!”
        She skipped her way up the stairs, grabbed the voting urn and almost spilled the votes onto the council floor when she tripped over a skull ornament.
        “Oopsie,” she giggled, “Oy, guys, once the votes are the decision is finalissimo! You’re gonna have to grab your crap and move out, k?”
        And she began reading the votes.

        “Ok, first vote is for…….April! Aww, babe, so sorry. Next vote…”
        She pulled out the second vote: “April”
        “Aaaaand the third vote is for…..April. Geez, April, they’re not being nice to you.”
        “Oh mah gawsh, y’all,” April cried, “Ah deserve to be here more than any of y’all!”
        “And the fourth vote is for….Janelle.”
        “Fuck you, bitch,” said Janelle.
        “Aaand another one for Janelle!”
        “And another one! Three for April, three for Janelle! Aww, Janie, it’s ok!”
        “HOLLY! NO BLATANT FAVORITISM!”
        “Oh, sorry Mark,” said Holly, “Anyway, seventh vote….Omarosa!”
        “Racists!” said Omarosa.
        “And….ANOTHER one for Omarosa! Yaaaaaaay!”
        Omarosa rolled her eyes.
        “Three votes for Aaaaapril, three for Jaaaanie, two for Omie-Rosa and ONE VOTE LEFT! Yaaaaaaaay!”
        Janelle held Charla’s hand. April vomited, bent down on her knees and prayed to God. Mama Weaver tapped her proudly on the shoulder.
        “The last vote is for Omarosa.”

        It was a three-way tie.
        “Well,” Holly said, “I don’t really know what to do. Eh….I guess the Tribe is mute today!”
        “OH, MOVE OVER!”
        Mark Burnett, who up until then had been hiding behind one of the council’s fake boulders, came into view, pushed Holly aside and took her spot.
        “Roight, then,” he said, “This season, is case of a tie, the people who are tied are all safe.”
        “What?” said April.
        “What?” said Omarosa.
        “Oh, good,” said Janelle.
        “So April, Janelle and Omarosa…you are safe.”
        “She does NOT DESERVE IT,” April yelled.

        Mark ignored her.
        “The other six of you will have to participate in the Survivor lottery.”
        “Ooh, dang, I love lotto,” said Juanita.

        Mark handed Julie Chen a burlap bag. “There are six rocks in this bag. Five are yellow, one is purple. The person who draws the purple rock will be eliminated.”

        One by one, Charla, Jim, Juanita, Julie, Kathy and Mama Weaver drew a rock and kept it concealed. When the last person had picked one, Mark asked each person to show their rock.

        Charla got the purple one.

        “No, Charla,” said Janelle.
        “It’s ok, guys,” said Charla, “It’s ok, I had a great time.”
        “This isn’t fair,” Jim screamed.

        Omarosa simply grinned.

        “Well, my sweetily short Charla,” Holly said, “The Purple Rock of Doom has spoken. Bye bye.”
        She snuffed Charla’s torch.

"Bye, guys," Charla waved, "Kick butt!"

And she made her way down the stone paveway and into the darkness.

………….

VOTING HISTORY:



.........

NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR: REALITY STARS

-At Iara, Charla’s elimination changes the balance of power.
-A raunchy Immunity Challenge causes one castaway to question whether or not she in on the right tribe.
-A third, permanent host is introduced.

---