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Tres, honey... I don't feel like posting, yet I cannot sit idly by while you are misled by these absurd anti-soda crackpots. They have their own agenda and will stop at nothing to proselytize their own carbonation-free lifestyle. They have slimy lobbyists in Washington right now, lined up in dank corridors, holding plastic briefcases stuffed with reams of papers and manila folders, literally bursting with anti-soda propaganda GARBAGE. Large sums of cash will be exchanged in an effort to increase Sunny Delight end-cap displays in supermarkets nationwide.

We cannot let this happen.

The human body REQUIRES soda. It is especially important for individuals who have previously had high-levels of soda consumption.

Your cells need that soda and that carbonation in order to survive. The mitochondria can become severely damaged without enough carbonation, not to mention the damage to cell membranes. You don't want weak, floppy cell membranes and lackluster mitochondria, do you? Of course you do not.

Without your required daily soda, your cells may become cytotoxic. Deprived of what they are used to, they will rapidly die off and never again regenerate.

You may also suffer from dry heaves, female elephantiasis (rare, but interesting), anal strictures, visible panty lines, vaginal seizure and labial shrinkage and in some cases... coma leading to DEATH.

Is that worth saving a few pennies? Is it really?

Don't buy into the hype. You need at least one or two 32 oz. glasses of soda every single day (plastic cups are OK, too).

Dinner with iced tea or lemonade? Oh, please. I'd rather fucking DIE. And what of those fucked-up asshats who drink MILK with PIZZA? Jesus... don't tell me you would ever trust one of those fucking FREAKS!

Look, enjoy your soda with meals. The rest of the day, drink something else. That's what I do, and I'm such a sweetie that you know I can't be wrong about this.

There's plenty of other things you can give up if you want to torment yourself for no good reason. But not soda.

Harken, and do the right thing.