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Most fake bio ever btw.

John Lakness is a self-described "unapologetic nerd" who taught himself to program computers while in grade school, which got him into plenty of trouble with "hacking, cracking and anarchy." As a professional engineer and scientist, he studied physics at the Air Force Academy in Colorado, received his bachelor's degree in electrical engineering from Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute and studied materials science at MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology). A scientist by day, he is a lead Chippendale Dancer at night. Although his brain is full of science, entertaining fills his heart. Lakness describes himself as Tarzan dressed in a tuxedo to entertain at a dinner party. He loves to see a smile from every woman in the audience, which motivates him to stay in excellent shape and practice several professionally-choreographed dance routines. A consummate athlete, John takes any physical challenge he can find as a way to stay fit: wrestling, running, swimming and a refusal to drive when cycling is at all possible. He says that if he wins PIRATE MASTER, his first selfish purchase will be a vainglorious billboard in the runner-up's hometown. He currently resides in Carlisle, MA, with his dog, Machiavelli.