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02/17/11 05:03 AM
02/17/11 08:26 AM
There's Something About Shmady
02/17/11 08:39 AM
MrBobDawgsta wrote:Jeff: [shakes head, takes swig from flask]. I wish BobDawg was here...That dude is the best.
Jeff: [shakes head, takes swig from flask]. I wish BobDawg was here...That dude is the best.
02/17/11 08:46 AM
02/17/11 03:40 PM
Shut up Jeff! I am an ex Federal Agent! I am voting for Franktwisckwa!
Kristina has an immunity idol! My bank account number is 4396832610 at
Bank of America! Sometimes I masturbate!
02/17/11 04:21 PM
02/17/11 04:25 PM
02/17/11 04:34 PM
02/17/11 04:42 PM
03/25/11 12:45 PM
Trying to get back in the saddle...
Grossest things Ever:
4) A salty snot rocket that doesn't work and swings out and slaps you in your
3) Thinking you have to fart but really you have to drop a deuce and the brown
turtle pokes his head out.
2) Phillip's pink draws.
1) Picking out someone else's armpit hair, even if she's cute.
That was seriously disturbing. Do women do that back in civilization?
Jeeeeeez...I hear they start doing stuff like that AFTER they get married, but
before too? Yucky!
REDEMPTION ISLAND DUEL
JEFF: Matt will be battling Krista for the right to stay in this game! These
challenges are getting more difficult as the game progresses. The
challenge is this: First, each contestant will answer the question "What
is 2 plus 2?" Then, each contestant will take this chewing gum. They will
place this chewing gum in their mouths! Then, they will chew! After chewing a
few times, they will have to walk -- while still chewing! The first one to chew
the gum 12 times without tripping over their feet wins! Survivors ready? GO!!!
MATT: [chews 12 times, no problem, walks just fine, forgets to answer the
question]. I win!
JEFF: NO! You did NOT answer the question!
MATT: Gosh darnit!
KRISTA: [counts on fingers] "FOUR!" [starts chewing... slowly at
first, but starts picking up speed]
MATT: God, please don't abandon me. I NEED THIS!!! God? GOD?!?!
GOD: Ok, ok! I heard you already, Jesus H. Christ!!! I can't be everywhere! I
mean I CAN, but I was TRYING to help those people over in Japan. But I
can't have you getting knocked out of Survivor. Plus, there's millions of
them anyway, they'll be ok for awhile. You brought your Bible right?
GOD: Whatever. [blesses Matt]. Don't ever say I didn't do anything for
MATT: "FOUR!" [chews amazingly fast! Walks flawlessly, one foot
in front of the other, just like Jeff demonstrated]
JEFF: MATT WINS!!! Wow! Phew! [pours bottle of water over head]. Now THAT was
scintillating television!!! Matt was walking so fast, it was almost like he was
SPRINTing through SEARS!!! He's like Black AND Decker!!! He's built Ford tough!
Matt, congratulations! You deserve a Pepsi! It's the choice of a new
MATT: Thanks Jeff! But it wasn't me. It was God.
KRISTA: Yeah, I don't know what the hell is up with Jesus! He sucks at
challenges! He completely blew it!...Here, you can keep this Bible. I got it
from a hotel anyway...
PHILLIP: Let's see,
what's on the agenda...First, I'll collect wood. Then I'll tend the fire. Then
I'll annoy everyone. Then I'll collect wood and tend the fire then annoy
everyone again. I'm missing something... Can't put my finger on
it....Hmmm... Oh, I remember! I haven't shown my butt-crack yet this episode.
[leans over]. There, that's much better. Hey, would one of you fine young
women-folk like to play rock-paper-scissors for a chance to give me a massage?
NATALIE: Sure, right after I eat this handful of sand and stick this flaming
bamboo shard in my eye.
ASHLEY: Yeah, and I was going to go stare at the sun for a while, then sit in
the fire, but after that, sure!
PHILLIP: [kisses biceps, both Lion and Gorilla]! I still got it!
JEFF: Ready for the challenge? First, who's gonna...
SARITA: ME!!! Woo hoo!
JEFF: ...sit out the challenge...?
SARITA: ME ME ME!!! [Runs over to bench, does a Pete Rose slide...]
RALPH: Shoo Da Botomy!
STEPHANIE: What did he say?
DAVID: I'm not sure. I think it's some sort of ancient dialect...I think it's
based roughly on English. I'm trying to translate it now... I think he said
"Shoot the ball to me...?"
JEFF: This could be the game winning shot!
STEPHANIE : [shoots the ball, Rob dives for it and misses]
JEFF: Ooooooooooooooooh! Look at Rob, muscles rippling like a great jungle cat!
So noble in stature, so graceful in movement! Odysseus-like in
leadership, a truly honorable and wise, wise warrior! He ALMOST caught
the game-winning shot, proving he's the best of all
tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime! Rob scores!!!
PRODUCERS: [conferring]. No, sorry, he actually has to catch it for it to
JEFF: DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL!!! Don't worry Rob! We'll get 'em next time!
BACK AT CAMP:
ROB: This is bullshit! I haven't found an immunity idol this whole friggin'
episode! Jeff! JEFF!!!
JEFF: [materializes from thin air] Yes Rob?
ROB: Is this the only idol I'm going to get?!?!
JEFF: For now, yes. I'm...I'm sorry.
ROB: ehhhhhhh...I understand. I will allow this. If I must...
JEFF: We're working on the next challenge now. It's a puzzle. The question is
"What is Rob's middle name?"
ROB: Oh, I KNOW that one!
JEFF: [winks, gives Rob the pistol-finger]. I must go. First, come here...
[brushes sand off Rob's hat, vanishes]
[Rocky music plays ...]
EDITOR'S NOTE: Seriously, how much food can they cram into one season? I got
booted right around here, day 15 and my body was literally eating itself
alive...they had a regular-ass bag of chips and a Sprite waiting for me when I
got to the end of the walk of shame, and I was like "What is this? Champagne and
truffles?!?! MMMMMMMMMM!!! These are the best goddamn chips
evaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" And do they HAVE to get forks too? What is
this, The Amazing Race?
ROB: I have only found 3 clues so far, including the one that is sticking up
out of this cantaloupe. I better not reach for it, don't want to alert anyone.
GRANT: [Clears throat...clears throat again...clears throat one more time]
"Hey everyone! Look over there! Not over here, over there! [points behind
everyone, grabs clue, sprints away from table]
ROB: [mouth full of food, gives chase, turns around] "Grant and I are
going to...uhhh.. go over there and do something... Yeah, that's the ticket.
We're going to go over there and do something. You guys all stay here, ok? Make
sure the table doesn't fly away...
ANDREA: Sounds like a plan to me!
ASHLEY: Hey, why are those guys with that camera thingy and that guy with the
big shiny circle thingy that directs light on people surrounding Rob and Grant?
And who is that guy taking notes? Do you think we should go check it out?
NATALIE: And miss out on this tasty guacamole?!?!? As if...
ANDREA: Yeah, don't be so obtuse! Rob doesn't know shit about this game...Pass
me a couple of handi-wipes and some of that cucumber infused water. I need to
wash my arm-pits...
PHILLIP: [Spidey-Sense blaring] I just saw Rob and Grant take an immunity idol
clue and run and hide behind the cabana. Clearly, they are working on the best
way to present their plan before they come tell me! Me and the United States of America
shall be victorious!
Nothing to see here. Move along. Move along.
follow Bob Dawg on twitter @MrBobDawgsta
03/25/11 12:55 PM
03/25/11 05:34 PM
Deuce ex machina
I don’t usually do serious blogs. I usually only write to make fun of
people because, well, it's fun to do that. Plus, there’s plenty of
people that are writing serious blogs about the strategy side of
Survivor and they’re much better at it than I am. And having been out
there and having seen first-hand how different real life can differ from
what we see, I think talking about strategy is kind of like predicting
who will be banging whom on the next episodes of a soap opera than
really judging strategy decisions and projecting the ramifications. But
I have been thinking about the whole Redemption Island dynamic and have
been unable to decide if I like it or not. Lately, I have wondered
what it would have been like if they had Redemption Island on my season.
You mean you’re going to stick me, the Almighty One, on an island BY
MYSELF and I don't have to play the social game AT ALL, and all I have
to do is smash foos in some dorky ass challenges every 3 days to get
re-inserted into the game on Day 17 or so? There's no telling how many
deuces I would have dropped that season...but it would have been alot...
like the fact that if you get booted for reasons beyond your control,
or even if you blew it socially or in a challenge, you can "redeem"
yourself if you have the goods to do so. This would have been
tailor-made for me actually. 5-6 years later, I STILL can't let go of
how my time ended out there on the Island, and having a chance to let my
actual ABILITY determine how long I stay as opposed to the "you're not
one of the cool kids" dynamic (or even the more tolerable “you’re too
much of a threat” dynamic) would have been good for my soul (if I had
one). Obviously, there's lots of people that came w/ a good Survivor
package and got what could be considered a raw deal, like Brook Geraghty
and Shannon Elkins...We would have all had a shot to overcome the
randomness and pettiness and happenstance of the game, and there would
be a different take on how guys like us are considered in terms of
Survivor “skillz”. We all have plenty, but you’d never know it. I
know Survivor isn’t a meritocracy – in fact, in many ways, it’s a
REVERSE meritocracy at some levels, where people can go deep
specifically because they're NOT good at anything, meaning they’re no
threat to get handed the million. That's why I always pull for players,
male and female, that are “strong”. So I also like Redemption Island
b/c I think the "weak" will not end up going deep as often, since on
average, they'd be getting sent to Redemption Island more often than
strong players, and would have to EARN their spot deep in the game
rather than just get carried there.
On the other hand,
there's something about Redemption Island that just isn't "Survivor" to
me. Through no fault of his own, Matt, who seems to have a good Survivor
“package” but got booted very early, being blind-sided by Rob
(ironically, because Rob recognized Matt has a good Survivor package).
As an aside, I didn’t like the move by Rob at first, but now I think was
a brilliant call on his part. Matt seems like a good dude, smart,
competitive and athletic and he's clearly a likeable guy. If he was
still there w/ the sunbathers, helping them pick out their armpit hair,
he would be big trouble for Rob, and I think he'd go deep in the game.
But he’s been on his own, away from everything for like 10-12 days (I
didn't count it up). While the jock in me likes the fact that he's
staying in the game based on his own ability to save his ass, he's not
playing Survivor. Survivor is played AT CAMP. Period.
it's not his fault and I'm glad he's handling his shit and I HOPE he
keeps doing so and gets back in the game at some point. But then what?
Is it really fair to him to come back into a game, possibly after the
merge, to try to work his way into an alliance after everyone else has
been together all this time? It would be almost impossible for him to
LEAD an alliance at that point, so one major option other players have
in approaching the game is lost. At best, he'd likely be someone's
swing vote it seems. But the person that is just a swing vote isn’t
really in the game to win it, they’re usually just happy to be there,
with no other choice but to play along.
On the other
hand, is it fair to everyone else that some guy that hasn't had to do
anything SOCIALLY for almost 2 weeks gets to just drop back in the game
after everyone else was navigating the social minefield, risking getting
ganged-up on, doing or saying something stupid, or otherwise getting a
bad-reputation that they could never overcome at a final 2 etc? Imagine
Phillip got booted first and went to Redemption Island and ripped off 5
or 6 victories. No one would even remember his balls and ass-crack
hanging out or that he is an ex federal agent fighting along side the
noble Lion and Mighty Gorilla for the honor of the United States and the
future of all its lost children. The guy is a pariah right now, being
kept around precisely BECAUSE he’s so terrible at the social side of the
game. But all that would have been hidden on Redemption Island and
when he returned on Day 15-17 or so, those same traits that make it an
absolute certainty that he can’t possibly win would never have seen the
light of day. Now, I'm sure he'd make up for it quickly. When he got
back, he'd probably just start whacking off at camp or or something and
be right on the chopping block. But still, he'd have survived much
longer than his actual Survivor "ability" would suggest he could or
Conversely, a guy like Matt who seems to be
genuinely likable, charismatic, etc, could be a very good Survivor
player, but we'll never know (at least not yet). He has not been able
to use the "abilities"that got him cast on the show in the first place
to make his case for winning the game. No one will ever give him a
million after missing 12-15 days right in the middle of the social
shitstorm everyone else has to deal with. THAT'S the part of Survivor
that matters most, and it's the part that creates the bond b/w those of
us that have been out there, whatever season we were in. Don’t get me
wrong, what he’s doing is impressive. The competitor in me likes to see a
guy saving his own ass when it’s on the line based on his own
abilities. But that’s not Survivor. I got a shitty edit (literally)
and based on that, it appeared I had no social game (or even an idea
that there IS a social game lol). But I was killin’ foos in challenges.
While challenge dominance is a part of Survivor, and for some of us, a
big part, it’s not where the game is played. JUST winning challenges is
not playing Survivor. Ultimately, winning challenges only matters
because it gives you more time to stay in the game and actually play
Survivor – which is a SOCIAL, and to a lesser extent, STRATEGIC game. I
could beat Sandra Diaz-Twine in a fish-chopping contest any day of the
week, but she’s light-years beyond me as a player.
must be said that while it’s cool that Matt is proving his merit by
saving his own ass time and time again, I know 8th graders that could do
these challenges (actually I don’t know any 8th graders, but if I did,
they’d probably be awesome since they knew me, and they’d be able to do
these challenges easily). While some are saying “Wow! What a win
streak!”, three of those victories were against Francesca, Kristina, and
Krista. Not trying to diss the ladies, I actually like them all as
players and was very surprised to see Francesca and Kristina gone this
early, I thought they were both destined for the jury when the cast was
announced. But other than Russell, who I have always thought was a
pretty good physical challenge performer, Matt had a huge advantage
athletically, and even though the challenges basically just require that
you don’t chew your foot off or fall asleep, being physically stronger
and more athletic always matters. His 4 challenge victories are cool
and all, but it’s not like he’s Terry Deitz or Ozzy. It’s not like he’s
doing that in real time and beating 6-8 people trying to bury him at
the same time. That’s challenge dominance, not beating 1 person in some
random challenge that barely requires coordination, let alone athletic
ability, endurance, toughness etc. Russell is a good athlete and tough
competitor and almost beat Matt in a challenge that was almost
completely random, not a real test of any meaningful Survivor “skill”.
It’s like they were playing w/ Andre the Giant’s dominoes...
by DEFINITION, whoever shows up at Redemption Island early on would be
among the physically weaker players. It’s not like ex-NFL player Grant
or Marine Mike is likely to be sent to Redemption Island anytime in the
early episodes since their strength is needed. Russell was the
exception, being voted out not b/c he’s weak but b/c they didn’t want
him around, and beating Russell at a challenge is something Matt can,
and should pat himself on the back for. Love Russell or hate him, dude
is a Survivor legend, and Matt stepped up and got it done. But for
beating Russell, Francesca, Kristina, and Krista – the latter 3 whom he
SHOULD have beaten – in some goofy ass challenges that are designed so
that ANYONE on the island could win them but which would never pass
muster in the main-game w/ 6-8 people battling at the same time, he is
within sniffing distance of the merge? That’s HUGE.
what I meant when I said I wish they had Redemption Island in my
season. I was almost single-handedly winning challenges at one point
and saving my own skin in the process. But as soon as we lost, I was
gone. Given how crazy my tribe was at Casaya, and how quickly I was on
the outside looking in for whatever reason, I would have LOVED (I don’t
say that word often, so print this blog out and frame it) to be able to
hide out for 12-15 days on Redemption Island, knowing that I can’t be
sent home as long as I can count to 25 and tie my shoes faster than
whoever shows up to battle me. To me, Redemption Island is like “JAIL”
in Monopoly. It kind of sucks to be there, but not really.
Sure, you’re not out there collecting properties and rent while other
people are stacking up their bankroll for a few rounds. But on the
other hand, you’re not landing on people’s hotels, like Phillip keeps
doing. As long as your personal item isn't the Gimp-Suit from Pulp
Fiction, and you can chew gum w/o swallowing your tongue, it seems to me
that Redemption Island ain’t all that bad...If they had it my season, I
would have volunteered to go... cuz I’m fuckin’ awesome at Monopoly.
03/25/11 06:00 PM
03/30/11 02:19 PM
SirCrocodilep wrote:Fuck yeah! Your back!
Can you tell us about your different poses? I think there is four in all!
04/02/11 02:28 PM
BobDawg's Redumbtion Island Episode 7
STEPHANIE: "Hey Matt! Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah
blahBlah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah, blah
blah blah blah blah blah blahBlah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
[breathes] Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blahBlah blah blah,
blah blah blah [breathes] blah blah blah blah..."
Why do women do this? Seriously... This is what I fear most about marriage:
"Hey honey, how you doing? Glad you're home! How was your day? But back to
me. My day was fine, except Denise from accounting thinks she's cute. She was
all like blah blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah
REDEMPTION ISLAND DUEL
JEFF: "As you know, the Redemption Island Challenges are designed to get
more difficult with each episode. For today's challenge, and yet ANOTHER shot
at 1 million dollars -- pick a number!!! Matt, pick a number!"
MATT: "God says '7!'"
JEFF: "Matt wins!"
MATT: "Oh God, oh so merciful Lord that art in Heaven, hallowed be thy
name, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!"
GOD: Not a problem. My NCAA bracket is all messed up anyway. Damn Butler.
MATT: Is BYU still in it?
GOD: BYU? Hell no! I barely let them get in the tournament.
STEPHANIE: "This is bullshit, God! What about me?!?! And what the Fuck is
wrong with you, Jesus! God just won like 5 challenges in a row, you gonna just
let him punk you like that? Stop turning the other cheek and get down here and
start whoopin' some ass!!! Goddammit!"
NEW SEGMENTS I'M INTRODUCING TO THE BLAWG
STRATEGY BY RALPH
RALPH: "David thinks he am smartly than me because he am a lawyer! He
thinks he are more abover than everyone else are above! But it don't take no
damn smarts to win Survivor! That gives me a advantage!"
WHO I FEEL SORRY FOR
GRANT. When Rob came back from the Redemption Challenge, Grant was just
sitting there by his lonesome on this tiny little 6' x 6' blanket. He
didn't even have his own lawn-chair like what's her name and what's her name
with the armpit problems...I don't know how he can hack it out there.
Hopefully, he'll get one of those inflatable airplane neck pillows in the next
PHILLIP: "Rob thinks he's better at me at this game. But THAT is his
error! You either Do, or Do Not. There is no try. It's like the famous horseman
Makakahashiki Mushuporkwashuwashi, who wrote a book called "Rings of the 5
Books" once said: you have to follow the "Bushudo Code!"
Hmmm, I wonder if that's anything like the "Bushido" code. And I've
actually read the book, I'm pretty sure his name was Miyamoto Musashi...dude
was a SAMURAI, not a "horseman".
SELFISH SHIT THAT KIND OF PISSES THE BOBDAWGSTA OFF
The fact that I got booted in episode 5 for "stealing the wine" after
being the whole reason we had wine in the first place due to my unprecedented
awesomeness in the arena of fish-chopping and Phillip gets to walk around with
his balls out and call people everything EXCEPT their actual name, doing
everything you can possibly do wrong socially, and he's in episode 7,
chillin...I understand he's supposedly "good tv." I think they
overestimated that. But there's nothing remotely close to Survivor
"skillz" in his package. He was cast to be a train-wreck, and ONLY a
train-wreck. The competitor in me thinks people should ONLY be cast if there's
at least an outside chance that they could win. This dude took a real
"player's" spot...that bothers me. He's not even that great a
character...Normally, if you told me an old black dude would get on Survivor
and would be flexing his biceps and walking around w/ his balls hanging
out, I'd think that would be cool -- in fact, I'd think it would be me.
But this is wearing thin...
PHILLIP saying "First time I get a chance to get rid of Rob, he's
Sounds kind of like John Starks saying "Next time I get to take Jordan to the
hoop, it's on!"
Yeah, ok John. Paper, not plastic.
Armpit No. 1: "Woo hoo! Mooooooooooooooooooore foooooooooooooood! Woo hoo!
We haven't had this much food since last episode! Woo hooooo!"
Armpit No. 2: "Hey, the last 4 reward challenges, there was a clue...do
you think there might be one here?
Armpit No 1: "NO!"
Armpit No. 3: "HELL NO!"
Armpit No 1: "FUCK NO! We're on the tee-vee!"
Armpit No 3: "Yeah, what are you, stoo-pit? Pass me some more of that
Armpit No 2: "I guess you're right. I'd like another sub-sandwich please.
I'll go with the footlong on asiago cheese bread. Easy on the oil and vinegar,
extra olives....What? There's no olives?!?! ARRRRRRRRRGHHHH!!! [breaks
down in tears]. They're trying to destroy me!!! It's just like Linda from
accounting!!! She thinks she's sooooooo cute! She was all like blah blah blah
ROB: "I was going to let someone hold my jock-strap, but...they can't. The
funny thing is that it has only taken me FOUR times playing Survivor, a tribe
of dufuses, and 5 immunity idol clues to get this good! I hope I don't get
voted out next episode..."
STRATEGY BY RALPH (AGAIN)
JEFF: Ralph, you always seem to have something brilliant to say. Do you think
it's better to have a tribe that works together, that has a good mix of
athleticism, intelligence, work ethic and loyalty? You know, cohesive?"
RALPH: "Coal he said? HAAAAALE NO JEFF! I don't care about what coal he
JEFF: "I said 'cohesive.'"
RALPH: Mane, ah think dat ain't da breo da muh mill and I say da bruh denna
bix, tal! And further, it ain't like da guh my lire steen mag! Grok?"
JEFF: "Ummmm....Ok.Time to vote."
RALPH: "Boat? What? Awww sheeeeeit. I ain't got no boat!"
JEFF: "No, I said 'vote'".
RALPH: "Y'all gon' let me vote?!?! YEE-HAH!"
JEFF: All you have to do is go up there and write someone's name down.
RALPH: Write? Dang...Do I gotsta spale too?
JEFF: Just do your best.
RALPH: YEE-HAH! "S-U-H-"...ummm..."S-E-H"...dang...
[8 minutes later]
JEFF: Just point at someone...
RALPH: Huh! Dat guh right deh!
Give me another Heroes v Villains...please.
04/07/11 03:36 PM
08/21/11 12:16 PM
08/21/11 12:28 PM
12/28/11 01:16 PM
03/12/12 03:19 PM
mysecretidentity wrote:Will Bobby ever return to SurvivorSucks? I know he has a real job and busy, but can't he drop by and say hi during a bathroom break?
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