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You know those old crotch shot gags that get worked into every C list comedy? Like the one where Adam Sandler is standing in front of a fastball pitching machine at just the wrong moment? Or the one where Steve Martin pitches to a kid who sends a come backer screaming right up the middle? And you know how in real life it would actually be pretty fucked up, and even though it's a comedy movie you still laugh so hard because it makes you uncomfortable? Well, I was just re-watching Episode 2 of the Cook Islands and I have to say that Tribal Council still leaves me thanking God that I still have my crown jewels intact. John Carroll was good at chopping coconuts but Billy was a master at chopping off his *own* coconuts. You could actually hear those suckers pop. Because believe me at that Tribal Council - or more accurately the night it was broadcast - Billy lost the ability to ever reproduce. I'm not saying I liked his chances before. But if he ever gets a girlfriend he can't tell her he was on the show and he can't take her outside - to dinner or a movie or anything - because some ten year old might come up and laugh at him in front of his date and say "MAN, THAT MUSTA HURT!!!" People probably bust out laughing every time he walks down the street. And why? Because he got de-balled. Puppy got nuetered. And worse than that he was the one who whipped out the knife.

Nate: We're sending Jonathan to Exile Island.
Jeff: Jonathan, get your stuff and head out.
Candice: I feel so sorry for him.
Billy: I'm next.
Candice: Oh? Well, we love you!
Billy: And I love you!

As he's getting sent home...

Billy: My prize isn't even the million dollars. My prize was that I fell in love in this game. Love at first sight. Her name is Candice and in between -

[The entire tribe howls with laughter. Even the girls who were being nice to him. Billy misses it.]

Jeff: Candice from.... Roro tribe?

Billy: Yeah! At the last challenge we sort of mouthed the words I love you to one another and so that was my prize. My prize was... her.

[Jeff busts out laughing. Billy once again doesn't pick up on it.]

Jeff: I've never heard anything that surprised me more than what you just said. And I want to be respectful because I don't know what happened. But what would she base feeling the same way you feel on?

[Uncomfortable silence.]

Billy: I think it's just love at first sight. I think it's just a rapport thing.

[Jeff almost looks scared.]

Jeff: So you're absolutely sincere right now?

Billy: I'm dead serious.

[J.P. rolls his eyes and the music shrieks. Cecilia scrunches her brow with confusion.]

Jeff: Ozzie, have you noticed anything between Candice and Billy?

[Ozzie looks like he wants to be excused.]

Ozzie: Oh, no... I haven't noticed anything but I mean I'm not looking for - it's - it's as new to me as it is you.

[J.P. shakes his head. Christina looks away with embarassment.]

Jeff: J.P., what's your take on the Billy/Candice romance?

J.P.: I'm sorry but from the beginning this guy was sketchy. He's just shady. From the beginning. And if I seem insensitive to the whole deal... whatever. But then he brings up things like this 'love at first sight' and it's just... aww, hell. I don' know. It's just random.

[Christina and Cecilia lower their heads like they're looking for Billy's balls beneath the seats.]

Jeff: Christina, is it unreal?

[Christina laughs.]

Christina: I think anything is possible in life. BUT - I feel... very leery... for Billy.

Jeff: You seem to have a soft spot for Billy.

Christina: I just don't want him to get hurt. And I just hate when people get taken advantage of. And I'm just not into the dishonesty and the backstabbing. I just really - I'm - I'm - hoff - you know - taking care of him, at least looking out for his best interests.

[J.P. stares at her with disbelief. Billy finally gets it. He looks like he's gonna cry.]

Jeff: O... kay... There's been a lot said here tonight. I'm very curious to see how it plays out. It is... time to vote. Ozzie, you're up.