Good Evening. As you all know, I'm Brian High-Dick, evil Super Genius and Greatest Survivor ever. I'd like to thank myself for this opportunity to try to sell you, I mean, PRESENT to you the new line of 2003 Survivors from MBâ„¢.
We come on the Sloop MB
16 schlubs and Jeffy
Around Panamá we did roam
Schmoozing all day
Now we've got to play - Oh, no!
This is the worst show
I've ever been on
So oust out the MB whores!
See how the tribes get wet
Call for the Network ashore
Let me go home, let me go home
I wanna go home, yeah yeah
This is the worst show
I've ever been on
On Morgan there's 3 sluts
A Boy Scout Girl and a Putz
The most boring tribe I've ever seen
A new Chuay Gahn?
Let's hope they're Pagonged - Oh, yeah!
This is the worst show
I've ever been on
So oust out the MB whores!
See how the tribes get wet
Call for the Network ashore
Let me go home, let me go home
I wanna go home, yeah yeah
This is the worst show
I've ever been on
Hello and welcome to MB's All-Star Laff-A-Lympics!
I'm your host, Jeff Probst.
In the past, we've taken 112 ordinary Americans and turned them into blathering, shameless Media Whores. This season we've decided to take 18 of the biggest Media Whores, poke them with sticks and see if they can be even stupider and insufferable than last time.
Oh she'll let you know when your time's up!
This is Sergeant Lea Masters of Survivor - Vanuatu: Islands of Mullets.
This season CBS has chosen a military theme for Survivor.
So they got ME to prepare the new recruits for their adventure.
ALL RIGHT, YOU MAGGOTS!
Forward, MARCH!
Models and Geeks, Sound Off!
I don't know, but I've been told!
I don't know, but I've been told!
Survivor's premise s'getting old!
Survivor's premise s'getting old!
No volcanos or pirates hairy!
No volcanos or pirates hairy!
We'll make up shit about the military!
We'll make up shit about the military!
TEN HUT!
Excuse me!
This is Stephenie LaGrossa, you know, the REAL winner of Survivor: Palau, the MORAL winner. The most popular Survivor ever! The one that tried extra, extra super hard!
Let me introduce you to my troglodytic, drooling Manservant and personal beefcake pillow, Bobby Jon Drinkard.
Bobby: When Jesus lose Survivor, Jesus SAD!!!
Steph: I mean how unfair is it that just because we lost EVERY SINGLE IMMUNITY, that I , I mean we, shouldn't have won Survivor? Didn't we try hard enough? Do I need to cry again? After all it was everybody else's fault but mine, I mean me and Bobby Jon, that Ulong lost. I could have won everything on my own. I mean we.
Bobby: Yeah! Woman right. Jesus mad! JESUS SMASH!!!
Steph: No, Bobby Jesus! Not now! Down, angelic, beefy Actor/Model! Save for challenges. CHALLENGES!
Tale as old as time,
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then somebody BENDS
Unexpectedly...
BJ and...
THE BEEEEEEEAST!!!
Hello, this is Terry, Winner of Survivor: Exile Island and the greatest Survivor EVER. I've come to introduce the new season of Survivor. Survivor: Vastly Inferior Because I Am Not On It. Here's your guide to coping with a season of Survivor that will inevitably be inferior because I am not on it.
I know everyone will whine and cry because I am no longer on Survivor. I sympathize with you. It's hard to watch an episode of Survivor in which I am not the obvious winner. Let me help you cope. Let me reassure you no matter what happens this season or any other, I still win, because, as everyone knows, I am still vastly superior to all of the other contestants put together. Let us all mourn my non-presense, and hope it can live up to other non-ME seasons.
Hello, this is Jul Kwon and Ozzy Lusth, co-winners of Survivor: Cook Islands. Welcome to another season of Survivor where there are no villains, everybody loves everybody and everyone wins, just what you expect from Survivor.
I hope all 19 co-winners of Survivor: Fiji, Yul and I can pool all our millions to set up a sanctuary for Surfers and Dolphins. Where Surfers can be one with Dolphins ...and one with Monkeys! Where Monkeys can surf Dolphins and be one with man!
That'd be a wasteÂ…
No, imagine Dolphin-Monkeys! It'd be, like, Do-nkeys!
I'm pretty sure there's already an animal already named "Donkeys." They're also called, "Jackasses."
Bah-bum, ba-bum, ba bum, ba-ba-boo
Bah-bum, ba-bum, ba bum, ba-ba-boo
Doo doo-doo doo, Doo doo-doo doo.
Doo-dum doo.
Denise, Denise,
It takes three women at least,
To make you go down because they don't have enough grease.
Denise, Denise
Desire to take you increased
Lunch lady love.
Denise, Denise
You swim like a gaggle of geese
Your meat loaf is hot and everyone wants a piece.
Denise, Denise
When will this song ever cease?
Lunch Lady Love.
Lunch Lady Love.
Lunch Lady Love.
Jonny Fairplay, how I loathe him
How I vomit when he grins and lies
Every time he's on a cheap, new show
A kitten dies.
Jonny Fairplay, you're a loser
You got beaten by a sour old Scout
And I wish that Rupert had ripped your big lying tongue out
Jonny Fairplay, you F*ck Monkey
How I wish one day that you'd be dead
Well before you take another dump on some girl's head
Jonny Fairplay, whatcha doing?
Why did they give you a second chance
Well, I know for sure Eliza's iron-plating her ass
On Johnny Fairplay
He's a bastard
And I pray someday he'll leave TV
But I know that that will never be Reality
Survivor LOSER ON A STEEK!
Well, folks, it's been swell, but I'm switching to MESS Mod Emeritus.
I've spent too much time and mental energy on this damn show.
Last season, I took off.
It's so nice for Thursday to just be another day.
I'll see you at the Finale. It was fun to watch last season's finale without a "Dog in the Hunt," get to watch it like a normal person for a change.
IC: Jalapà o
TC: Candace
