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"Survivorsucks.com: Enjoy The Remaining Fifteen Minutes."

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jamesriver

"Survivorsucks.com: Enjoy The Remaining Fifteen Minutes."

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Posts: 3170

(05/31/09 11:38 PM)

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When I was born I was so surprised I didn�t talk for a year and a half.
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A (kinda weird, and not so presciently titled review of the original Sucks! Whither Aja?

Survivorsucks.com: Enjoy The Remaining Fifteen Minutes.

Written: Aug 13 '00 (Updated Aug 21 '00)

Product Rating:

Pros: THE place for Survivor-philes to obsessively debate Jenna's bra size and Greg's relationship with his sister.

Cons: The clock is ticking. Only two more episodes of Survivor left, and then this site is a wasteland until Survivor II.

Lambira's Full Review: Archived Web Services Reviews

Pulau Tiga
Might I sample some vermin
From your sunny shores?

Island Haiku on www.survivorsucks.com, written by survivorsucks regular And One

**snip**

I am utterly infatuated with the TV show Survivor, broadcast on the usually frumpy CBS network. As a result I spend more time on survivorsucks.com than West Wing staffers spend gawking at internet porn. It is a place where [mostly] normal people get together and have a ripsnorting good time by scrutinizing detritus from the TV show: every comment, piece of clothing, and frame of videotape are frozen, enlarged, and dissected in an effort to try to determine the ultimate survivor ahead of time.

Granted, www.survivorsucks.com is not truly the oddest website around (I had initally planned to review the National Association of Meat Sculpture Enthusiasts' home page). But it does deserve its place in the annals of oddity because it celebrates shows featuring people who are less deserving of fame than Kato Kaelin.

It is part of the planetsucks.com network, umbrella for realworldblows.com and bigbrotherblows.com. When they say 'sucks', they really mean "I hate this show so much that if you dare try to telephone my house while they are on TV, I will personally hunt you down and lick all of your furniture." The content of survivorsucks.com simultaneously parodies and praises the prevailing geistegeschichte embodied by the newest and most boring branch of television, the 'reality' program. Survivor is probably the most popular of the genre, and it is not coincidental that it also features the nastiest and most unappealing cast members, i.e people very much like ourselves.

A main feature of survivorsucks is News, which has been the source of national gossip due to aficionado CAPLOCK's unveiling of the now-infamous (and completely wrong) Gervase-X theory. This theory held that since some dimwit web programmer forgot to put a little red 'X' on a picture of Gervase somewhere on the CBS website, he was probably the winner. I am a suspicious kitty cat that had always said MOOOOOOP on that theory. Since Gervase-X went down in flames, news now is pretty much limited to which castmate has been offered how much money from Playboy and who tried to bite her ex-husband's nose off. Therefore, let us move on to the...

Message Boards
"Es la epoca de cosecha, el momento de dar gracias por la generosidad de la naturaleza."

On the message boards, the repartee is as sharp and dead-on as AA. There are five Survivor boards, and posters generally take their 'handles' from the characters and vernacular of the show, hence a flood of "MarryMeDirks" "RichRules" "Colleen'sMan" along with the more subversive "notinahomosexualway", who chose his handle to expose an idiotic remark made by one of the more un-PC castmates.

The 'spoilers' board is where I put in hardcore time. No man is an island, even in the middle of "oceana"***** and leaks and mistakes from cast and crew are bound to happen. This is the board where people post rumors of those leaks as well as digitized still frames from each show to 'prove' their boot theories. The best poster by far is Aja, who was so horrified by Rich's flatulent outpouring of nighttime groove moves after he won the Immunity Challenge in Episode 10 that he created 'The Rich Dance.' I cannot describe it. You must link through the site to see it for yourself.

On the non-spoiler boards, there is plenty of vigorous debate as to which young strumpet on the show is most appealing, with approximately 309,354,892,308 different postings as to why it is Colleen. They also spend an inordinate amount of time wondering how the other castmates (male or female) were able to keep their loathsome mitts off of her during the taping. To me, it seems that the island was not the place for romance, even though I am a nasty little piggy who likes to scream TWEET TWEET TWEET. I don't know about you, but if I ever find MYSELF in a situation that resembles a Crocodile Hunter outtake, I'm going to be doing a bit more than rutting if I can manage it.***

Miscellaneous Site Features
By far, my favorite part of the site is the episode recap section, and my favorite recapper is Damitol. Witness his masterful description of the aforementioned Rich Dance: "Imagine if the Pillsbury Dough Boy ate all the Jello an average school full of kids consumes in a year, then operated a large jack hammer. It wasn't pretty, and seismologists around the world can pinpoint the exact moment it took place."

There's also cast profiles, links, and chat every Wednesday.

Since it wouldn't be a typical review of mine if I didn't complain at least once about poor graphic design and/or fonts, I feel compelled to pick on the color scheme, a mishmash of celadon, navy, and cream. Occasionally I feel a teensy bit manipulated by the heavy handed use of odd lighting and saturated pastel colors alternately flooding everything with a wash of pale green or pink interspersed with Brady Technicolor,**** but beggars can't be choosers, and this is by far the best survivor fan site out there.

All right. I'll stop here, for I fear that I have bored you nice people enough to make you want to escape to the fjords of Norway. Besides, I'm just getting more and more tipsy on my beastly wine, but that's a whole 'nother story. Rather than spending more time here with my paean to www.survivorsucks.com, I encourage you to visit it for yourself.

By now I am as cranky as a wet spider. WOOF! WOOF!. And I still don't have any damn donuts.******

Good night, gentle friends. I hope you enjoy the write-off luau.

* From DarthHappy's review, "The Persistence Of Memory"
**Tipu's "t-Pinion - the weirdest recipe you've seen- ever."
*** kchowell's "Unleash Your Inner Steve Irwin Or Jackie Chan."
**** "Virgin Tree Disease" by lecomte1.
*****29th_Candidate - From "Filters: If We Don't Speak Today, Will "1984's" "NewSpeak" Become Tomorrow's No-Speak?".
****** From Sordid-1's "Maricopa County Jail: A Poor Place To Visit, Part 1."

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Dictatorship

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Posts: 9003

(06/01/09 12:16 PM)

Written: Aug 13 '00 (Updated Aug 21 '00)

I see you come from the future.

QuizGuy66

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Posts: 2171

(06/01/09 12:20 PM)

Registered user

Cons: The clock is ticking. Only two more episodes of Survivor left, and then this site is a wasteland until Survivor II.

This line was particularly prescient.

-QG

bryanpasa

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Posts: 1240

(06/01/09 12:30 PM)

Licorice

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Posts: 1613

(06/01/09 03:50 PM)

Back in 2000, MightyBigTV >> SurvivorSucks.

How times have changed.

Jennica

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Posts: 410

(06/01/09 04:50 PM)

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back in 2000 they were paying people to write what ever they wanted on that web site (epinions)

Piranhahaha

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Posts: 12403

(06/01/09 05:27 PM)

When they say 'sucks', they really mean "I hate this show so much that if you dare try to telephone my house while they are on TV, I will personally hunt you down and lick all of your furniture."

Nicely put, and remains true to this day.

This is making me nostalgic for the original planetsocks recaps of season 1. They were terrific.

Are they around online somewhere?

MidwayHaven

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Posts: 3130

(06/02/09 02:26 AM)

MESS member

When I was born I was so surprised I didn�t talk for a year and a half.
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Yep they still are, although the jpegs are no longer around.

I prefer the season 2 recaps, though.

QuizGuy66

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Posts: 2173

(06/02/09 07:38 AM)

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MidwayHaven wrote:
Yep they still are, although the jpegs are no longer around.

I prefer the season 2 recaps, though.

Two words: Invisibilty Bonus: +0

Memories :)
-QG

trickmind

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Posts: 2104

(06/03/09 12:09 AM)

Dragonslayer

Wow thanks for that James River. I was at Mighty Big TV (TWOP) in those days. Somehow I didn't discover Sucks 'till Amazon.

Cousin Oliver

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Posts: 3348

(06/03/09 02:15 AM)

Registered User

Piranhahaha wrote:

This is making me nostalgic for the original planetsocks recaps of season 1. They were terrific.

Are they around online somewhere?

Oh, my goodness. Such memories there, not only for Survivor, but the special kind of insanity that Real World Tonya and Aneesa brought about.

Tigernanama

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