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25. Boom, we got a rat.

Well, the fish traps were hanging from the boat that we were coming over here in, and when we were tossed into the sea with the raft and we took whatever we could get our hands on, we grabbed three or four fish traps and a bunch of rat traps. So we stuck the rat traps out the first night, and boom, we got a rat in each of them.

- Richard Hatch

This is pretty much the most boring narration of the entire episode. You got traps and caught a rat. That you chop in half and hang for bait. Good for you, Rich. At least he compared the sounds of rats being caught in little metal cages to "boom." That's nifty, and totally exaggeratory.

24. That's a big one.

Well, it could mean a lot, either staying or being voted out. You know, last night's competition - I really feel responsible because I couldn't keep up and I was dragged totally off my feet. I do feel that that stumble probably cost us the Immunity Challenge, and that's a big one.

- Sonja Christopher

More boring narration, but this confessional is also sad because it's Sonja admitting she's a fair boot due to dragging in the challenge. And she's just being so chipper and accepting of her fate. . It's a little more noteworthy than catching rats in traps, so it outranks Rich, but due to it being depressing narration from our first ever Survivor boot, it's gotta go near the bottom of the list.

23. Everything was moving.

I heard something squeaking in my ear every time a rat was trying to get on the raft or get near us or get at something. I mean, everything was moving.

- Joel Klug

Here we have Joel basically confirming what Ramona said 2 seconds earlier. Yeah, good one, Captain America. However, it's not the worst confessional of the episode because it shows Joel being all buff and muscular, more so than I remembered him being. And honestly, that leaves more of an impression than "We caught rats."

22. It was hot.

He had been out there all morning long, and it was hot.

- Gretchen Cordy

Our introduction to the overrated Gretchen Cordy. It's nice that this is her lead-in to the discussion she has with BB, and one-line confessionals are always quaint. But, well, without context, it's boring. The only reason it's not #25 is that I admire Gretchen trying to convince BB not to crash and burn. Alas, the stubborn old man would have none of it.

21. One of us is going to leave.

We've got the Tribal Council tonight. Unfortunately, we're gonna have to vote somebody off. There's going to be a lot of tension and one of us is going to leave.

- Kelly Wiglesworth

Clearly this confessional was only included because someone had to introduce the concept of Tribal Council and the editors wanted to give their boring F2 contender some attention in the opening episode of the season. I like that Kelly totally overestimated the "tension" they would encounter, being as they just peacefully knock out the tribe's weakest link. But on the other hand, maybe she was completely accurate, since Sue betrayed the women and all. =O

20. I'm used to being in the lab.

I don't like being on the water that much. So the whole motion like this and we're rowing and we have, like, a hundred pounds of stuff on the raft. I started heaving. I'm used to being in the lab with my lab coat on and the air conditioning. But this is like outdoors 24/7 and you're exerting energy, like, almost all of that time.

- Ramona Gray

at that picture. I'd comment on it, but I don't want to go to hell. Anywho, Ramona sits on a raft for a grand total of 3 hours, and then proceeds to bitch about it when she gets ashore. She apparently wants a lab coat and A/C. Yeah, toughen up, bitch. It's kinda funny that she thinks they'll be exerting energy almost 24/7, considering that, as we all know, there is a hell of a lot of down time on Survivor, way more than we get in the real world. It's also amusing that the editors decided this was the only confessional anyone on Pagong needed for, like, the first 15 minutes of the show. Obvious which tribe they wanted to develop more?

19. I never gave it a second thought.

Up until probably last night I never gave it a second thought about who I was going to vote off or if I got voted off. But after last night, I thought about it then and I decided then.

- Rudy Boesch

This confessional is just very WTF. I don't really know what we're supposed to get out of it. Rudy decided who he'd vote for? Um, good for him? I guess the implication is that he voted for Sonja since he decided the night of the IC, but that's a stretch requiring the viewers to actually note the timeline, which seems odd. So, really, it's just totally a random confessional inserted into the middle of our pre-TC segment to remind us that Rudy is voting too.

18. She took my glasses.

The fire started because I had brought a set of glasses with me. I was going to do it and Gretchen said, "Why don't I do it? I know how to do it too." So I said, "Great." And she took my glasses and started the fire.

- BB Andersen

The only thing interesting about this confessional is that BB is clearly going out of his way to show that he's okay with the idea of someone else doing something around camp. You can just tell in his tone of voice. He's all like, "A woman wanted to do something, and I'm totally fine with that. If she can do it, go for it." But he says it like we might think that's not the thought process he operates under, which often means it probably isn't. And chauvinism is a running theme throughout pre-merge Pagong.

17. That doesn't mean that this is his world.

He was yelling at everybody, "Let's lose the box! Cut it loose now!" He may be 72 years old and an ex-Navy SEAL, but that doesn't mean that this is his world.

- Kelly Wiglesworth

Wrong. This is Rudy's world. We just live in it.

16. I've been thrashing around.

I've been thrashing around like I'm 35 instead of acting my age, but we have a doctor on our tribe, Sean, and he did a wonderful job of bandaging me up. I think one of the problems with aging is the thinning of the skin, darn it, so I think I'm maybe getting a little more banged up than some of the younger ones.

- Sonja Christopher

Hmm, Sonja doesn't do very well with her confessionals in this episode, does she? Well, this one isn't bad, mainly because I think it's interesting that Sonja claims to be acting like a 35 year-old when that's about as old as the elders of modern casts on this show are anymore. Also, I didn't even know the skin got thinner with age. I guess it makes sense, but I never really thought about it until Sonja said it for me. Plus, it's laffos that Sean put a Band-Aid on her cut and Sonja describes that as "a wonderful of bandaging her up." Yeah, good thing the doc was around for that one. She's so positive. <3

15. I'm a little irritated.

Well, we're just going along the beach here and identifying anything we can use for the shelter, for the roof. I'm a little irritated that none of the others down there are helping carry stuff, but that's okay.

- BB Andersen

Oh boy, this is just a precursor of what's to come for the great BB Andersen. "A little irritated" quickly becomes "yelling and screaming and berating and quitting." But yeah, doesn't anyone else find it funny when old people say "ruf" instead of "roof"? It also seems odd to me that the first thing BB goes about doing to construct the shelter is finding fronds for the roof. Before, you know, they have a floor. Or anything to hold the freaking roof up. But hey, I'm no construction expert. By the way, this confessional is one of the most obvious examples of a producer just annoying a player with questions to try and force some sort of confessional out of them. Clearly the producer's like, "What are you doing?" And BB gives his one-line response. So the producer's like, "Oh. Does it bother you that nobody's helping?" And BB gives his one-line response. Quite different from people nowadays who ramble on for 20 minutes straight with their answer because they want camera time.

14. I'm out of here.

I like Rudy. I'm not bothered by his straightforwardness at all. I don't think it's even a problem. I like it, that he's saying, "Hey, do this," or, "Hey, do that." But people think of that as very direct or arrogant, that's the word I'm hearing. And I'm thinking, "If they think he's arrogant, oh my god, I'm out of here."

- Richard Hatch

Aw, it's cute when Rich shows a little humility and self-awareness. At least he knows he's arrogant. Plus, it's nice that he compliments Rudy. And doesn't think direct commands are "direct."

13. He's a character.

BB, he's a character, man. I don't think he likes me much.

- Joel Klug

I only like this confessional because of the second part, where Joel already realizes BB dislikes him. I don't know, it's funny to me. It's a purely social game and thus far the only prevalent "strategy" is to be liked, and Joel already has an enemy and just shrugs it off. And he's totally right, too. BB randomly hates on Joel quite a bit. And I like that Joel doesn't bash him for it, just calls him a "character," which he completely is. <3

12. Who are they going to vote for?

Well, somebody's booted, somebody's gone. So it's time to think about who are they going to vote for, why are they going to vote. I've narrowed it down to four. I'm one of them.

- Richard Hatch

Ooh, the first really CP confessional of the show. Good ol' Rich, already trying to figure out voting. Of course, it's funny that the genius mastermind only manages to rule out half the tribe. The other half are all boot possibilities. And one of them is him. lawl

11. That is dumb.

Paddling over, we had two or three of those boxes in the water dragging behind the raft. And I said, "That is dumb. Let's get them boxes aboard. It'll be a lot easier. That's dead weight you've got."

- Rudy Boesch

The very first confessional in the history of Survivor. And what a random confessional to choose. I like to think of it as a metaphor. Here's Rudy summarizing Survivor strategy right from the get-go, before anyone had yet figured it out. Everyone tries to drag along all this extra baggage in order to be fair and competitive. But that's just "dead weight," as he says. You have to bring that dead weight on board to an alliance if you want to survive. Don't just let them float there. That doesn't help shit. And that's why the Tagi 4 win, yw.

10. A rat was in his ear.

I didn't sleep at all. I mean, we closed our eyes. We kept hearing noises and clicking sounds and we were like, "Okay." What's his name? Joel woke up and a rat was in his ear.

- Ramona Gray

I care about this confessional for a few reasons, and none of them have to do with the statements actually being made. "Rats crawled on us! *giggle" Yeah, whatever. I just like that:

1) Ramona has a pretty nice body. Too bad she rocks the shaved head look.

2) She's had 24 hours to get to know everyone and she already is forgetting names. What's the name of the alpha male leader? Yeah, him? Jenna, help me out! I can't be bothered to remember that shit.

3) This is one of those confessionals that's not really a confessional, but the producers label it as one anyway. Clearly it's just Ramona talking to the camera. Jenna even interjects into it. But whatever, they played ball loose and fast back then.

9. You can't have lazy people.

We've got a lot of lazy people, if you want to know the truth. You can't do it all yourself. You know, I asked Colleen to straighten this out for me, and here it is. It's the only thing she had to do today. You can't have lazy people.

- BB Andersen

I always thought it was interesting that they let BB bash the sweetheart of the season in the very first episode. I guess they just assumed we would forget about it (in their defense, we did). But still, you've got enough footage, use something that doesn't contradict one of the most important characterizations of the season. But I really like this confessional because in it, BB reminds me so much of my grandfather. I know, corny, but my grandfather's always acting just like this. You know, wheezing around, yelling and cursing about other peoples' incompetence while he's hard at work doing something he could easily pay someone else to do. "You can't have lazy people" is totally something he would say. Honestly, BB's just a clone of my grandfather. He would not fare well on Survivor. <3

8. We could sing songs!

We made a lot of smoke, but no fire. I think that it would have been nice if we had fire. We're not gonna catch fish unless we have a fire to cook it. And I think if we had fire, we could have spent a lot of time sitting around the bonfire at night. We could sing songs, we have a ukulele. And that didn't happen, and I wish it did.

- Sean Kenniff

I love this confessional. I just think it's really funny (and unique) that Sean is disappointed about the tribe's lack of fire not really because they can't cook fish or boil water, but because he wanted to gather around it and sing songs. He wants a camping trip with campfire sing-alongs. It's just one of those Sean comments that characterizes him so well. Eating and drinking? Who cares about that? We have a ukulele!

7. She doesn't move her ass.

Stacey came up to me and is like - she don't like Rudy - and she's like, "Oh, I think we're going to vote for Rudy. We're going to vote him off because he's so barky." Well, anyone's too barky and too bossy to Stacey because she doesn't move her ass. The chicks think I'm voting for one person and I'm not.

- Susan Hawk

Oh my, how evil. Sure, it seems tame by today's standards, but compare it with the other confessionals throughout the entire first season, and this is borderline vicious. First, Sue @@!%$ into Stacey for being lazy and not moving her ass. Ouch. Then she proudly admits she's about to betray the women's initial alliance, and laughs about it. The edit doesn't really show it, but there in the span of about 24 hours, we get the first ever Survivor alliance formed and dismantled. And this is the confessional where Sue talks about dismantling it. And she's so gleeful about the prospect. What a bitch.

6. People like that annoy me.

Rich, I appreciate what he's trying to do as far as bring the team together because that's one thing that needs to happen. I think he's got some good skills in that area. And unfortunately, people like that annoy me.

- Dirk Been

Okay, as much as it pains me to admit it, this confessional is funny. I hope it's unintentionally so, because then I'd be able to appreciate it more. I don't like admitting that Dirk has actually said something amusing at some point. But yeah, he totally builds up Rich's people skills and his ability to lead a group. And then analyzes them by saying it annoys him. It's completely laffos. If he was trying to be funny, then damn, this is the only time I've ever liked Dirk.

5. There's nothing wrong with a rat.

If we get fire it means we're gonna have a hot meal in our stomach, which is gonna bring up team morale. That first hot meal might be rat soup, which I'm like looking forward to very much. Because there's nothing wrong with a rat. All a rat is is a squirrel without a fuzzy tail.

- Susan Hawk

This confessional is kinda random, but it's a good one anyway. First, it serves as a nice reminder to the audience that once the tribes start resorting to catching their own food, rats are going to be on the menu, which was pretty sweet back in 2000. Second, it characterizes Sue as the tough redneck she is. And third, it's funny. Not because Sue compares a rat to a squirrel. But because she makes that comparison to justify eating it. There's nothing wrong with eating a rat! It's just like a squirrel!

…I wasn't aware squirrels were a universally accepted main course. Probably because, you know, they're not. But they are for Sue!

4. He's fat, but he's good.

Before we got on the island here, I formed opinions about people, but I changed my mind just on that trip in. Rich, for one. I mean, this guy is strong, he's smart, the guy surprises me. I mean, he's fat, but he's good.

- Rudy Boesch

The editors randomly throw in this Rudy/Rich bonding scene right after the challenge, even though it has no relevance to the episode and is developed in no way, shape, or form. But Rudy's confessional here is both cute and intriguing. Cute because it's the start of a beautiful friendship, and it's of course pretty funny that Rudy calls his ally "fat, but good." And Rich does eventually surprise everyone by winning, so there's that foreshadowing as well. But it's intriguing because Rudy blatantly talks about interacting with the players before the game begins, and I can't think of many times the producers have allowed references to pre-game set-ups to make it into episodes. But here it is, Rudy is telling us he formed opinions of everyone while they were still sequestered, and changed them on the boat (where it turns out they freely talked to one another), and is continuing to change them on the island. I guess there goes any potential illusion of game purity, huh?

3. We've been talking about strategy.

I feel pretty secure, actually, about the vote tonight. Kelly and I get along real well and we've been talking about strategy and who's not contributing as much and who would be best to vote off and I think we've come to a mutual decision and we've talked to Sue about it.

- Stacey Stillman

This confessional is so high up simply because it's the first time in the show that strategy is talked about (and the first time the word "strategy" is used), and it marks the formation of the first ever Survivor alliance. And since the word alliance wasn't used and Stacey just nonchalantly discusses the topic (probably because the idea of aligning was still controversial amongst the cast itself), nobody really noticed what was going on. But here it is, Stacey formed the first Survivor alliance. And for some reason, Sue decided to betray it at the very first vote. Tres epic, you know?

2. I don't even know what MTV means.

The hardest part is hanging around with all these young kids. I don't even know what MTV means, you know? I'm used to being in the military. One guy stands up and gives an order and there's no backtalk. Yesterday everyone was trying to run the show, and if they'd let one person do it, we'd be much better off. But trying to keep them all shut up is hard. If they all listened to me, they'd all have haircuts and everything else. We'd be in formation in the morning and all that kind of stuff. But they're not gonna do that. I've gotta fit in, not them. There's more of them than there is of me.

- Rudy Boesch

This one's great. I mean, yeah, I was disappointed when I saw some special feature that showed Rudy using his MTV joke on the boat ride in, confirming it was some pre-rehearsed comment on his part and not something he made up spur of the moment. But still. Not only do we get Rudy telling us his background and his struggle in the game, but we get a summary of how socializing works in Survivor. You're always outnumbered; you always have to fit in. Rudy got that, and it's surprising how few players keep that in their minds when playing this.

1. I've got the million dollar check written already.

I'm good to go survival-wise. People-wise, it'll be a little more challenging. But I've got the million dollar check written already. I mean, I'm the winner. And it's that kind of cocky attitude that really makes people hate your guts, so that's the kind of thing I've really gotta keep under wraps. But it's just how do I get there from here.

- Richard Hatch

Yeah, you all saw this one coming. You can't not rank this confessional the best of the first episode. We've never had better foreshadowing than this. Right from the get-go, we've got Richard Hatch claiming to be our winner. And we all go, "Dream on, dude." But he was right. He had the check. He really was figuring out how to get there from where he was, and he pulled it off. And it's just a really awesome, iconic Survivor moment. Nobody ever forgets this one.