For 6699 posts Wuming ranks the My Immortal fanfic characters (#33-26 up.) in Clubs that Suck. No, Really. Forum

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For 6699 posts Wuming ranks the My Immortal fanfic characters (#33-26 up.)

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Wuming Shi	For 6699 posts Wuming ranks the My Immortal fanfic characters (#33-26 up.)	Lead	[-]
Posts: 6699 (11/24/09 11:21 PM) Registered User Reply Quote More Recent Posts	Keep smiling - it makes everyone wonder what you're up to. Remove this ad Meet Tara Gilesbie, who lives in the city of 'Dubya', United Arab Emirates. She is an enigma with many identities, but she chooses the pen name of Tata Gillespie most often, so much so that it supersedes the use of her original name. Regardless of name, however, these identities are unified by a singular, one-dimensional personality. Tara would like you to know that SHE IS 'GOFFICK'. She is Gothic because she listens to My Chemical Romance and Good Charlotte, and hates preps like 'that slut Hilary Duff'. My Immortal is an absurdist masterpiece tribute to Harry Potter like no other, a literary classic of our times. Beware, it will make many things cry. These include, in no particular order, yourself, the Harry Potter fandom and the English language. Its intrigues include bisexual vampires, the application of a fuckload of makeup, demented Hogwarts professors and plenty of underage sex. all set to a dark, haunting background track of Simple Plan and Marilyn Manson. As with all things epic, there will be jealous haters, and Tara's masterpiece was no exception. Many wrote angry, base comments, envious of her mastery of English, her beautifully-rounded characters and her dark, complex plots. Still, she has achieved online superstardom and despite the preps at FanFiction.net taking this masterpiece from their site, it has been immortalised forever at various URLs. It is of my opinion that this is one of the literary works of our time, and will rank up there as one of the Internet's greatest inventions, along with Twitter, Yuku, furry porn and 4chan. As it is with other trends, any have attempted to imitiate, but none can even touch the original. Despite the obvious centering of this story on the main protagonist, the rest of My Immortal's motley crew have their shining moments, and this ranking will pay tribute to them. I was going to do this as my 6666th post in tribute to Tara, but I forgot. Then, I wanted to do this as post 6669, but I forgot again. Although it's better late than never, I suppose. Part 1 of My Immortal (Chapters 1-22) Part 2 of My Immortal (Chapters 23-44) For a description of all characters and some spoilers, click here. The cast list: Ebony Dementia Dark'ness Raven Way Draco Malfoy Willow Good Charlotte Albert Dumblydore (Albus Dumbledore) Snap (Severus Snape) Professor McGoogle (Minerva McGonagall) Vampire (Harry Potter) B'loody Mary Smith (Hermione Granger) Voldemort Diabolo (Ron Weasley) Loopin (Remus Lupin) Hargid (Rubeus Hagrid) Snaketail (Peter Pettigrew) Dobby My Chemical Romance Tom Rid Dracola (Neville Longbottom) Mr. Norris & Filch (Argus Filch & Mrs. Norris) Cornelia Fuck (Cornelius Fudge) Darkness (Ginny Weasley) 'Crab and Goyle' (Crabbe & Goyle) Britney Doris Rumbridge (Dolores Umbridge) Proffesor Sinister (Sybill Trelawney + Aurora Sinistra) Serious Blak (Sirius Black) Lucian Malfoy (Lucius Malfoy) Satan (Tom Riddle) Marylin Mason (Marilyn Manson) Samoro (James Potter) Professor Slutborn Hedwig Morti McFly Last Edited By: Wuming Shi 11/27/09 02:37 PM. Edited 2 times.
CatLurvesDorothy		#1	[-]
Posts: 6420 (11/25/09 12:34 AM) OMEDETO, CATHY!! Reply Quote More Recent Posts	I love you so much, Wuming.
spnintendo		#2	[-]
Posts: 7734 (11/25/09 01:25 AM) Registered User Reply Quote More Recent Posts	Congrats on 6699 Wuming o.o
Wuming Shi		#3	[-]
Posts: 6702 (11/25/09 04:32 AM) Registered User Reply Quote More Recent Posts	Hi CLD and SPN! :3 OK, first 4 rankings. 33. Marilyn Manson Also known as: Marylin Manson, Marylin Mason, Charlyn Manson (Charles Manson, ahaha) Yes, we know that this fic is one massive, exaggerated self-insert, but dragging real life people into it just completely destroys it I think. Manson first features on part of many 'goffick' memorabilia in Ebony and friends' collection, including T-shirts, towels and of course the music they listen to. Marilyn is also used to describe the singing and physical characteristics of particular characters. He makes his real-life appearance back in the 1980s timeline (long, not exactly concrete story that will be covered under 'Satan'), when Satan a.k.a. Tom Bombodil asks Ebony out on a date. "Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight? And they r showing The Exercise at da movies b4 dat." First off, Muggles DO NOT know Hogsmeade exist. And The Exercise. You've got to be shitting me. Now for the concert: "Anti-ppl now uve gone 2 far Jeus Krist Superstar!1111" screamed Marlin on da stage. We did the devil fingers. OK, WHAT THE FUCK. And that's all Marilyn's got in the story because it's really not about him, it's about Ebony and her whole lot of gothic retards and the 'story' descends into yet another fight at the concert. It's also a disgrace to drag Marilyn Manson into this steaming mess since he actually seems like a relatively articulate, well-spoken person in real life. (Watch his interview on Bowling for Columbine.) I cannot approve of his inclusion in this story and hence, he comes in last. 32. My Chemical Romance Tara wants to get into Gerard Way's pants. That much is obvious in the name of the main character/Sue, Ebony Dementia Dark'ness Raven Way. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. Wouldn't this make it... incest? Or am I giving this story too much credit? Anyway, same deal as with Marilyn Manson, MCR appear on various goffick stuff and conveniently hold a concert in Hogsmeade. After Draco makes up with Ebony for the 193293546638th time: "OMFG." I said after he was finished. Some fucking preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco's now) at them. "I love you!" I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch) and CMM in a Cinderella Story. Then we went away holding hands. Loopin shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether. If you hate Hilary Duff, why the hell are you watching something she's in, let alone doing something she did?! And yeah... in Taraverse, Ebony is loved IN SPITE of her many misanthropic adventures. But I'll save that for a later post. MCR were there playing 'Helena'. I was so fucking happy! Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn't matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. ... Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. We frenched. We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn't them at all. It was.,……………………….. Volsemort and da Death Dealers! Gasp. Gerard Way is Voldemort in disguise. Who'd have thought? Also, cut it with the damn ellipses. So MCR random re-do their concert since 'da Death Dealers' interrupted the last one, which is high time for Ebony to go whoring it up with someone who ain't her boyfriend Draco Malfoy. I gapsed, looking at da band. I almost had an orgasim. Gerard was so fucking hot! He begin 2 sing 'Helena' and his sexah beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall. Talk of the concert ends there when the slut was discovered cheating. Basically, these concerts are just stupid excuses for shit to happen in the story. Which brings me to my next entry... 31. Good Charlotte Good Charlotte is the very first band to play a Hogsmeade concert in the story. Just then, Draco walked up to me. "Hi." he said. "Hi." I replied flirtily. "Guess what." he said. "What?" I asked. "Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. "Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. "Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked. I gasped. I BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING, DID YOU. The concert is really an excuse for Draco and Ebony to do 'you-know-what' for the first time. "You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). "Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. Suddenly Draco looked sad. "What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. "Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. "Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. "Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. You tell 'em, girl. Except Hilary Duff is actually brunette now, but eh. The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. insert IRL fapping here And finally, Good Charlotte makes an appearance when Ebony has to travel back in time to the 1980s: "Oh my fuking god, how did u know?" Satan gasped. "actually I like gc a lot too."(geddit coz gc did that song I just wanna live that's ounded really 80s) OK. That is not how the time-space continuum works, nor was that remotely funny. YOU NEED TO BE SHOT. 30. Argus Filch & Mrs. Norris Or: Mr. Norris & Filch, Filth Not much to add here, Mr. Norris & Filch only appear in one scene and are above the other 3 solely because Tara mixed their names up and called the cat Filch. Filch was always a grumpazoid, but yeah. It's when Vampire and Ebony go in search of Draco after he runs out 'in a suicidal way' and Ebony 'stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide'. WELL, MAYBE HE WOULDN'T WANT TO KILL HIMSELF IF YOU'D STOP CHEATING ON HIM, YOU SKANK! And then………………………….. we herd sum footsteps! Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke. We both gut under it. We saw the janitor Mr. Norris there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand. "WHOSE THERE!" he shouted angrily. We saw Filth come. He went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly. "IS ANY1 THERE!" yelled Mr. Norris. "No fuck u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich!" Vampire said under his breast in a disgusted way. "EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!" yelled Mr. Norris. Den he heard Filch meow. "Filth is der any1 unda da cloak!" he asked. Filth nodded. And then……………………….Vampir frenched me! He did it jus as…………………….. Mr. Norris was taking of da cloak!1 "WHAT DA-" he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him. I suppose Harry Potter is still awesome even when he's all mangled and canon-raped as 'Vampire;. And 'under his breast'. Snicker. P.S.: Get used to the caps, they're everywhere in the story. Next 4: Spoiler [+] - The salesman, not He Who Must Not Be Named - 'I wil help u go frowad in tim' - 2 (no, 3 actually) students of secondary importance in actual canon, who make random, insignificant and few appearances Last Edited By: Wuming Shi 11/27/09 02:44 PM. Edited 4 times.
survivorisdabest		#4	[-]
Posts: 3927 (11/27/09 09:00 AM) Registered User Reply Quote More Recent Posts	O M G best ranking idea ever my immortal <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 It is seriously the funniest thing i have ever read on the internet. Some of my favourite parts are when hedwig and voldemort have sex and when professor trelawney becomes addicted to veritaserum. so creative <3 oh and how good is the epic battle between tara and her friend raven, culminating with tara demanding that raven gives back her sweater in one of the author notes. <3
Wuming Shi		#5	[-]
Posts: 6706 (11/27/09 02:31 PM) Registered User Reply Quote More Recent Posts	I know! It is so epic. <33333 Those parts you've mentioned are defo gold, and the story is full of it really! Tara's feud with Raven, her various critics and threatening to slit her wrists now and then is <333. Next 4 rankings up shortly!
Wuming Shi		#6	[-]
Posts: 6707 (11/27/09 02:36 PM) Registered User Reply Quote More Recent Posts	Keep smiling - it makes everyone wonder what you're up to. Remove this ad Oh, um... I just realised I forgot one more character. So the next update will feature 5 of them and I will need to fix these rankings. In the meantime... 29. Tom Rid Also known as: Tom Riddle Rather than being the name of the Dark Lord (or the Bark Lord, as it were in this story), Tom Rid is a random goffick salesperson at one of the 'cool' goth shops in Hogsmeade, when Ebony and B'loody Mary do some shopping before the MCR concert. We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE and he gave me a few dresses. Gerard Way, the epitome of sex. NOT. It gets better: "We only have these for da real goffs." "Da real goffs?" Me and B'Loody Mary asked. "Yah u wouldn't believe how many posers ther are in this town man! Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch." He shook his head. "I dint even no they had a camera." "OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!" I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit. "Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit" The salesperson said. "Yeah it looks totlly hot." said B'Loody Mary. "You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Because as a shopper at Hot Topic, Ebony is clearly the epitome of gothicness. Actually, you'll find that this term somehow applies only to Ebony and her chosen circle of friends. And that people will do anything for her, such as giving her clothes that she should buy with her own damn money for free, since this story revolves around her anyway. The little bit about Lupin and Snape wanting a gothic camera pouch (um, WTF) made me laugh too, of course. He later asks Ebony if he will see her the concert, to which she calls him a pervert. Tom Riddle gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual). Way not to be stereotypical there Tara. Tom Rid then subsequently appears randomly in another scene much later in the story: Draco, Ebory and I went to Profesor Siniater's room. But Profesor Sinister wasn't there. Instead Tom Rid was. Oh hi fuckers he said. Lizzen, I got u sum kewl new clovez. I took out da cloves from da bag. It was a goffik blak leather miniskirt that said '666' on da bak, black stilton bootz, blood red fishnetz and a blak corset. "OMG fangz!" I said hugging him in a gothic way. I took da clothes in da bag. Everybody loves Ebony. Even when she is a massive #%+* to them. Repeatedly so. Essentially, Tom Rid's only function is to give Ebony random clothes. 28. Marty McFly Also known as: Morti McFly, Morty McFli 'Marty McFly' conveniently appears when Ebony is in the 80s time frame with Tom Riddle and needs to go back to the present. I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time. Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz…..Morty Mcfli!1 He was wering a blak bnad tshrit and blak bagy jeans. "What da hell r u dong here!11" I asked. "I wil help u go frowad in tim Enoby." he said siriusly Den……….he took out a blak tim machine. I went in2 it and……………………..sudenly I wuz forward in tim!111 Can you imagine Michael J. Fox in that 'do? Also, it's not BTTF without the DeLorean, you c.unt. The 'time machine' makes a few other appearances, including this: Sudwenly I saw Morty Mcfly's blak tim machine!111 I jumped seductivly in2 it leaving Draco and Vampire. Sudenly I wuz back in tim!11 And this, where DUMBLEDORE'S IPOD TURNS INTO A TIME MACHINE: "Be quiet you Satanists." Dumbledore cockled. "If ur lucky I'll probably send u all to Akazaban!!! That will teach u to copolate in da Great Hall." He changed the song on da ipod 2 a n'Sync song. Suddenly I noticed sumfing strong about da Ipod. It was slowly chonging! Dumblydore didn't notece. "You fucking poser." I muttoned. "I bet you've never herd of GC." James said. Know I knew waht da iPod was chonging in2- Morti McFly's tim machine!!!!!11 "Shut up Jomes!!!" Drako's dad shouted. "Yeah shut up!!!!" Snake said preppily. "No u shut up Dumblydore!!!!!!!!1111" said Tom. "I've had enough of u Satanists in my school!!!!" shouted Dumbledore spuriously. Suddenly I grabed da iPod from him. "Evry1! Jump in b4 itz 2 l8!!! I jumped in2 it. But only 1 odder person jumpd in. It was……..Satan. "You dunderheads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111" screamed Dumbledore wisely as we went. Marty ranks so high only because of the hilariously random insertion (raping) of other fandoms here. 27. Crabbe & Goyle Also known as: Crab and Goyle 26. Ginny Weasley Also known as: Darkness, Jenny These two slots are bundled together because: 1) the 3 characters were introduced at the same time 2) they are minor compared to Proffesor Sinister or B'loody Mary, and downright insignificant compared to Ebony 3) they serve only to increase Ebony's goffick entourage of canon-raped characters They first appear towards the middle section of the story. Darkness (who is Jenny) was there too. She was weaving a ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. So were Crab and Goyle. It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad was a vampire. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. He had raped them and stuff before too. They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism. So in this (very warped) universe, Ginny and Ron are somehow related to Crabbe & Goyle (who by the way are not even siblings in actual HP canon) complete with stock kiddie torture/rape story to explain a Dark!Deprezzing!past. They then proceed to appear randomly (Crabbe & Goyle 2 more times, Darkness a few more) doing nothing of significance. Ginny ranks slightly higher because of the pure WTFness of her being renamed as 'Darkness'. Next 5: Spoiler [+] - the character I missed out originally - Ebony's warped version of the Marauders - an owl?!
survivorisdabest		#7	[-]
Posts: 3932 (11/27/09 11:55 PM) Registered User Reply Quote More Recent Posts	LOL @ "Darkness" and omfg i almost lost it when morti mcfli was introduced. the entire time travel storyline was hilarious and led to enoby/ebony's mission to have sex with voldemort. omg tara i love you <3 hahahha @ gothic camera pouch. Snap and loopin are my favourite duo in the fanfic. How good is the "chaptyr" (as tara would say) where loopin asks enoby for a "condem" and then later walks in on snap and loopin having sex while dobby watches (WTF). oh and back when she was writing it i would follow it closely and read each chapter the moment it came out, and i remember that the point at which i realised this was the greatest thing in the universe was when the chapter came out where snap and loopin where filming enoby in the bath tub while 'masticating'. Wuming have you seen the movies of my immortal? And have you found tara's website where you can take her quiz to determine whether you are a goff, poser, prep or nred?
GauchGauch		#8	[-]
Posts: 151 (11/28/09 02:51 AM) Reply Quote More Recent Posts	The only HP Fan fic I ever read was about Hogwarts's student who were sending each other letters to talk about a big event : Harry Potter had lost a gamble (I think) and so he had to play Quidditch naked. It was a big WTF for me but I realize it was nothing compared to "My Immortal". Worst Spelling/Grammar Ever.
Wuming Shi		#9	[-]
Posts: 6712 (11/28/09 08:07 AM) Registered User Reply Quote More Recent Posts	survivorisdabest wrote: LOL @ "Darkness" and omfg i almost lost it when morti mcfli was introduced. the entire time travel storyline was hilarious and led to enoby/ebony's mission to have sex with voldemort. omg tara i love you <3 hahahha @ gothic camera pouch. Snap and loopin are my favourite duo in the fanfic. How good is the "chaptyr" (as tara would say) where loopin asks enoby for a "condem" and then later walks in on snap and loopin having sex while dobby watches (WTF). oh and back when she was writing it i would follow it closely and read each chapter the moment it came out, and i remember that the point at which i realised this was the greatest thing in the universe was when the chapter came out where snap and loopin where filming enoby in the bath tub while 'masticating'. Wuming have you seen the movies of my immortal? And have you found tara's website where you can take her quiz to determine whether you are a goff, poser, prep or nred? Ebony's mission (which is easy enough anyway since she sleeps around with anyone goffick) is lulz.� As is Profesor Sinister's explanation for it (to come in the Tom Riddle and Professor Trelawney updates). ITA about Snap and Loopin, and you're damn lucky you got to see the trainwreck unfold! I only heard of it back in Chapter... 39? When Tata's account was hacked and some troll who thought she was clever made a boring chapter. It's hard to rank chapters, that was actually my original plan,.maybe I should do that. But after the character rankings are over I'll rank Ebony's outfits. Yeah! I much prefer the movies to the readings to be honest, I like having to see the lulz right in front of my eyes... These 2 are my favourites. I remember browsing through Tara's quiz, I probably had the score for a prep... Unfortunately the quiz is no more. ;-; But, I present you with a webcomic: GauchGauch wrote: The only HP Fan fic I ever read was about Hogwarts's student who were sending each other letters to talk about a big event : Harry Potter had lost a gamble (I think) and so he had to play Quidditch naked. It was a big WTF for me but I realize it was nothing compared to "My Immortal". Worst Spelling/Grammar Ever. x.x I'm not a big reader of fanfics, there's too much bland/boring/blatant fanwank stuff out there, but the truly horrific ones are testament to the depths of human obsession. Which make them both horrifyinly funny and sad... I just read a Harry Potter fanfic where Hermione became a slutty, latex-wearing vampire/man-eater living in New York City after Voldemort tried to sacrifice her (a la Jennifer's Body). What. The. Fuck.
survivorisdabest		#10	[-]
Posts: 3943 (11/28/09 08:34 AM) Registered User Reply Quote More Recent Posts	I just read a Harry Potter fanfic where Hermione became a slutty, latex-wearing vampire/man-eater living in New York City after Voldemort tried to sacrifice her (a la Jennifer's Body). What. The. Fuck. I'm not a fan of fanfiction either but i love the parody ones and the unintentionally hilarious ones (such as that hermione one and any really really weird shippers), one of my favourites being a story of lust between dobby and the giant squid. it turns out the squid was a slut because it had sex with neville in an early chapter too. I wish i could say it was a hilarious parody but it was a serious one O_O you're damn lucky you got to see the trainwreck unfold! I only heard of it back in Chapter... 39? When Tata's account was hacked and some troll who thought she was clever made a boring chapter. It's hard to rank chapters, that was actually my original plan,.maybe I should do that. But after the character rankings are over I'll rank Ebony's outfits. ohhh god you missed out! The best was at the very start when everyone still thought she was attempting for a serious fanfic. People flipped out each time she added non-canon ridiculous storylines or had the characters acting completely wrong. The best was when dumbledore called draco and enoby motherfuckers ahahahaha. Also the best part of reading it as it came out was that after each chapter i would read all the reviews which would be just as funny as reading the fanfic. and then her author notes in response to them were gold (i love how she says dumbledore swore because he had a headache or something). The chapter written by the hacker sucked!! haha chapter rankings would be awesome! Chapter 14 (where she goes to voldemort's lair, sees 'that fat guy who killed cedric', hears voldemorts high heels and then escapes before breaking down and complaining that everyone is obsessed with her) and the chapter with the masticating FTW the quiz said i was a prep and the message was something just like "fuk off britney!!!111" fun fact: my msn tagline or whatever it is you put under your name for everyone to see has been "voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. 'i hath telekinesis' he answered cruelly'" for over a year now fun fact #2: i dunno if this still works but before fanfiction.net deleted the story it was the first result when you typed "Worst fanfiction ever" into google <3
survivorisdabest		#11	[-]
Posts: 3944 (11/28/09 08:41 AM) Registered User Reply Quote More Recent Posts	"You mediocre dunces" "You probably have aids anyway" <3 I need to reread this
Ahora		#12	[-]
Posts: 692 (11/28/09 02:11 PM) Reply Quote More Recent Posts	Keep smiling - it makes everyone wonder what you're up to. Remove this ad My Immortal <3 Fanfiction.net sucks for taking it down!