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StatelyWayneManor wrote:

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Never watched, either. When does Jack sleep?

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Jack Bauer's calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Jack Bauer.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says it's beef, then it's definitely fucking beef.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up their location.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f**king hates lemonade.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Let's get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you, it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Jack Bauer once arm-wrestled Superman. The stipulation was that the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.

It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."

If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong that it isn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

"Simon Says" should be renamed to "Jack Bauer Says" because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f**king do it.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It makes him angry.

It's no use crying over spilt milk... unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh, you are so screwed.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death of Middle Eastern men.

There are no disabled people. There are only people who have met Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

When you open up a can of whup-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Want to know why Waldo's been hiding all this time? Jack Bauer.

When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, TSA gives him a gun.

Jack Bauer took my virginity, and he will surely take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity," then you are dead wrong.

When Jack Bauer does push-ups, he doesn't push his body up, he pushes the earth down.

Jack Bauer can slam a revolving door.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with violence.

When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.

When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks under his bed for Jack Bauer.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

In grade school, a little boy punched Kim Bauer, and Kim ran home to tell her dad. That little boy's name? Stephen Hawking.

Jack Bauer died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

Jack Bauer once had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We now know this beverage as Red Bull.

As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "Dammit there's no time!"

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the f**k have you done with your life?

If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.

Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.

If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him with a fresh set of weapons with which to kill you.

Jack Bauer escaped the Lost island between commercial breaks.

If you spell "Jack Bauer" in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. Needless to say, they are now called the Islands.

It was once believed that Jack Bauer actually lost a fight to a terrorist, but that was a lie, created by Jack Bauer himself to lure more terrorists to him. Terrorists aren't very smart.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. He waits.

Crop circles are Jack Bauer's way of reminding agricultural agencies that, occasionally, corn needs to lie down.

When an episode of 24 was aired in France, the French surrendered just to be on the safe side.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

Jack Bauer can order a Big Mac at Burger King.

Guns don't kill people. Jack Bauer kills people.

Jack Bauer lost his virginity before his father.

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

Jack Bauer laughs at the Mission Impossible movies. There is no such thing as an impossible mission for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 FBI Most Wanted List fugitive was a 14-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill .50 Cent.

People with amnesia remember Jack Bauer.

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f**king dead."

Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.

If you can see Jack Bauer, he can see you. If you can't see Jack Bauer, you are seconds away from your death.

Like a Russian matrushka doll, if you were to break Jack Bauer open, you would find another Jack Bauer inside, only smaller and angrier.

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tel.........

When he was a child, Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party. Once.

There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way, but faster and with more deaths.

There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed him. Jack Bauer gets played by no one.