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15. Brandon Quinton
Africa - 8^th place

One complaint that a lot of people have about reality shows is how producers fall back on so many stereotypes during casting. God knows how many times we've seen the lazy black man, the "not as dimwitted as they look" redneck, and of course, the flamboyant gay guy, of which Brandon is the ultimate example--not just on a reality show, but in the history of the human race. (Although in fairness, Big Tom did have to ask Brandon whether or not he was gay, so maybe it's not that obvious. Or maybe Big Tom just has the weakest gaydar of anyone on the planet. I'm banking on the latter.) Anyway, this may come as a surprise to those reading, but I'm a big Kelly Goldsmith fan. In fact--sit down for this--she's my favorite contestant of all time. So considering that an idiotic vote of Brandon's is what sent her packing, I should despite the guy, right?

I used to, but I just can't anymore. Brandon is just too damn hilarious--sometimes intentionally, sometimes not--for me to hate. Brandon turning into a drill sergeant demanding, "Come on, Frank! Go!" and cheering, "I've got a date with Frank!" is quite possibly my favorite moment in a challenge of all time. He also had the best reaction to the mystery vote that infuriated Lex: "Somebody was just screwing with his head, and it worked. Makes me wish I had done it!" I also loved his response to Lindsey's boot, following a Tribal Council where she had cried because she was so proud of herself for not betraying her friend: "Lindsey left Tribal Council looking like a jackass…I am so glad Lindsey is gone! I could not have taken this merge with her whining and crying and bawling and being a baby!" And don't even get me started on his attempt at shooting an arrow nearly as flaming as Brandon himself. I know there are a lot of Kelly G. fans out there who probably resent Brandon, but I implore you guys to rewatch Africa and give him another chance. He's too hysterical not to be appreciated.

14. Silas Gaither
Africa - 12^th place

Silas is another one of those players who has really grown on me over the years. I've said before that when I first watched the switch episode in Africa, my immediate reaction was that it was completely unfair, but when it resulted in Silas getting the boot at the end, I was beyond thrilled. It's one of the most exciting episodes of all time, and Silas was about the pinnacle of cockiness, which made it all the more satisfying. Silas was caught in the middle of the Samburu generation gap and ultimately sided with the younger members. It was a perfectly valid and smart strategy, but the younger members were the laziest and most irritating alliance we'd seen on the show up to that point. With Silas leading the pack, he seemed unstoppable, even boasting ala Richard Hatch that he might as well have had the check written out to him. "There's not an event in the future that would alarm me," he predicted.

He spoke too soon. The tribal swap left him with no allies whatsoever, with his only original tribemates being two of the elders who were eager to get their revenge. These days, the abnormally cocky people who get their comeuppance are par for the course in a Survivor season, but back then, the most arrogant example had ended up winning the first season. That's why a lot of people thought that Silas was going to win early on, since he was in a fantastic position to take the even less likable Lindsey to the final two. What I absolutely love about Silas' storyline is that, more than any other player in the history of the show, his downfall is presented in such an extraordinarily rapid manner, and it almost seems too good to be true. Like I said, nowadays you could pick up on the supreme overconfidence as a sign that he wouldn't be the victor, but when Africa first aired, there was no reason to expect that Silas was not going to be around for the entirety. But the best thing is that, after passionately hating him for the past two episodes, you actually start to feel sympathetic towards Silas, and that's just a testament to how fantastic and underrated the Africa season is edited as a whole.

13. Ethan Zohn
All-Stars - 11^th place

First off, let me just stress that this slot is purely for Ethan's All-Stars stint and not his time in Africa. That's not to say that he totally deserves his reputation of complete blandness for that season, but "Ethan Version 2.0" as Jenna Morasca refers to him is seriously one of most entertaining characters of the season, which is something I don't think anyone could have ever predicted. Ethan Zohn, the likable but boring fellow who walked into the win in Africa, ended up being a highlight of the All-Stars season. As a former winner, Ethan never really stood a chance at winning, and maybe that realization allowed him to show some personality the second time around.

Ethan was probably at his best interacting with Jenna Lewis. Not only was Jenna the poster child for the anti-winner movement in All-Stars, but the two had actually previously dated, so there was obviously some tension between them. In his vote against her at the first Tribal Council, he warned her that if she didn't quit running her mouth, "it might just bite you in that big old butt of yours." Seriously, where was this Ethan in Africa? In the next episode, when Jenna told Ethan the tribe might allow him to stick around over Rudy, he sarcastically (and hysterically) thanked Jenna "for granting me this one wish." At the mixer reward challenge, Jenna opened her box a little too wide (that's not the only time that phrase has been written about Jenna Lewis), and Ethan jokingly suggested that she might as well just flip it around and show everybody what she had. It wasn't all fun and games and Jenna Lewis-bashing with Ethan Version 2.0 though. He did get a little too whiny when Lex informed him that he was going to be voted out, but in his defense, at least he wasn't the nice guy robot we all expected him to be. He made it further than any of the other previous winners, but his stay was far too short considering how entertaining he had become.

12. James Miller
Palau - 12^th place

Remember how I mentioned in the Kim Mullen entry that someone else had criticized Jeff Probst early on in the Palau season? That was James Miller, who famously called Probst "a sonuvabitch" in the very first confessional of the entire season (and on The Early Show, he called Jeff a crackhead--no, I'm not making that up). Whether you like Redneck James or not, you have an opinion on the guy, and that's more than can be said for a lot of the cast members in his season. With his Deliverance accent and complete lack of regard for political correctness, he was hysterical to watch. The line that everybody remembers from him is his bit about Ibrehem making it out of Tribal Council "by the grace of Allah," and that "my God says it's time for him to go," which is unfortunate because it's a lot more mean-spirited than the majority of his comments. But for me, the quintessential James Miller moment occurs in the same episode, at the immunity challenge.

James had been in the Navy, and when the challenge called for the tribes to create an impenetrable knot, he boasted that he knew exactly what to do. Was Ulong's losing streak finally going to end here? Not only did the four members of Koror who participated (including such challenge powerhouses as Katie and Janu) win it, but they had absolutely no trouble untangling the handiwork that James had excitedly hyped up. In that same challenge, he wasted precious time not participating and just adjusting his toga. And that pretty much sums up James Miller during his time on Survivor. On that note, I'm gonna go ahead and be bold and say that James is the #1 reason Ulong was such a crappy tribe. He pretty much wrote off everybody else's ideas even though he never had any better ideas. He was also condescending and as the unofficial "leader" of Ulong, he hardly helped to inspire his tribemates.

As an aside, some of you may remember a few years ago that I ran a "Survivor Contestants Official Websites" list in LTS. Well after Palau wrapped up, someone alerted me to James' site. Unfortunately it's no longer up and since it was Flash-based, Archive.org isn't much help. But honestly, there is no way to put into words how amply fucked up his website was. There was a giant picture of his face with a moving mouth, and he made some weird sound that I can only assume was a sort of redneck mating call. Whoever designed it probably picked up one of those Jeff Foxworthy "You Might Be a Redneck If…" books and went from there, because the animation included every redneck cliché imaginable. Anyway, I of course emailed James asking about a possible Palau DVD release, and he told me he hadn't really heard anything about it. I figured that was the end of our communication. But not long after that--and again, I only wish I were making this up--he sent me another email, telling me that he desperately needed a job and wanted to know if I was hiring. Keep in mind that this was after Palau had finished airing. A few days later, I got yet another email from James (unlike the job "application," this one seemed to be sent to everyone on his mailing list), saying that while he was taping Survivor, the state of Alabama took his kids away, and that he desperately needed money to get them back, as well as get a lawyer and send his wife to rehab. How and why he kept all this under wraps in the months in between remains a mystery, since it seems like kind of a big deal, but whatever. I never got around to sending him a check, and that's when the emails stopped. Oh well.

11. Frank Garrison
Africa - 7^th place

Frank was a semi-last-minute addition to this list. I honestly hadn't even really considered him until Kitty began her tournament and he was eliminated in a landslide against Silas in the first round. Silas! I still question the sanity of the voters, and I decided that the ultimate payback would be to include Frank on this list, a few slots above Silas, purely out of spite. Ok, I wouldn't let the integrity (ha!) of the list be ruined by a grudge; it's more because, simply put, Frank is a much more entertaining character, and in a way I'm glad the results of Kitty's poll went the way they did because I had taken Frank's massive entertainment value for granted and some of the folks here might need a little refresher in what made Frank Garrison one of the best damn characters in Survivor history. Only Rudy Boesch delivered memorable quotes at a more frequent rate.

As a hardcore conservative loner, it wasn't hard to see that Frank was not going to fit in with his tribe. His outdoor skills made him an invaluable asset, but his social skills left a lot to be desired. This was particularly true in dealing with the gay Brandon and emotional Lindsey (who was driven to mutter under her breath, "Drop dead, Frank" on one occasion). Even with the folks that Frank got along with, he had a way of just saying things so awkwardly--and usually without a hint of intentional humor--that you couldn't help but wonder what was up with this guy. Out of every single character to make this top 40 list, I think Frank is far and away the best of the bunch. So for that reason, I'm going to do his entry a little bit differently than all the others. I'm going to go episode by episode and list a classic Frank moment or quote to show just how much he delivered week after week.

Episode 1: When Samburu initially struggled with making fire, Frank commented, "I spent nine months in softness in my mother's womb. Everything else after that's hard when you come out."
Episode 2: Carl, Frank, and Teresa attempt to bring Silas into their alliance, and he asks if they're sure that Linda is with them. "Linda's so concrete she's buried in the bottom of the Hoover Dam," Frank promises.
Episode 3: At the SOS immunity challenge, Lindsey overexerts herself and breaks down. "If we don't vote Frank out of here, I'm gonna kill myself," she said with t.ears streaming down her face. Keeping Frank around would be a win-win situation! Frank commented on the situation, getting a dig in at Lindsey's expense in the process: "Barbie went down in Africa."
Episode 4: Upset that Carl lost the tiebreaker to Lindsey at the previous night's Tribal Council, Frank said, "Damn you, Carl, for leaving me with a bunch of misfits to go camping with." Most people, even when joking, would make a comment like this by raising their voice in exasperation. Frank basically mumbled it. Later on, he woke up the sleeping members of Samburu extra-early for a morning hike to get water, and when a groggy Silas tells him, "Frank, we just hit the snooze button," Frank retorts, "Oh, don't tell me you guys are those snooze button type of people! Oh, you don't need a snooze button; you've been sleeping most of your lives!" His delivery on this is hysterical.
Episode 5: With a dejected Silas standing in earshot, Frank and Teresa tell the flabbergasted members of Boran about how the younger members of Samburu had tried to tell them how to vote. This is Frank's least hysterical episode, but he does deliver a few inspirational nuggets. For some reason, they left the funniest part out for the recap episode (Frank leading the tribe in a blindfolded march).
Episode 6: When Tree Mail informed the players that the immunity challenge would involve archery, Frank instructs his tribemates on the proper techniques. Frank's response to Teresa dropping the arrow after following all his orders was a deadpanned, "Ok, that's a start."
Episode 7: This one is legendary. As the rest of the players get to know each other at the merge, Frank is gathering firewood and interacting with elephants. He's called over to take part in their "I Never" game, and they have no idea how to react when he informs them, "I have never broken the honor of a handshake."
Recap: Frank's luxury item was a pair of deer antlers, which he excitedly bangs together in an effort to get pumped for a challenge. He (completely seriously) thought that his tribemates would be inspired by this and get psyched as well.
Episode 8: Ethan selects Lex to join him on the village visit reward, where the two can barter goats and personal items in exchange for food and souvenirs. Before they leave, Frank yells out to Ethan, "If you gotta trade Lex, you know, you get some more…"
Episode 9: Television doesn't get much better than this. Randomly split into pairs for the reward challenge, Frank ends up with Brandon, which the other players find hysterical. Frank is less enthusiastic: "What do I think about my partner? My camping trip just went to hell, that's what." The pairing alone was funny enough, but, as Lex described it, "Brandon had a whip on Frank," badgering him into a win, with Brandon cheering, "I've got a date with Frank!" Even if it was just for a brief moment to watch a movie together, the two put aside their differences and had a good time together.
Episode 10: This is unfortunately Frank's final episode, and he knew it. So he decided to enter into a rant against gun control and "these little liberal special interest groups that the media give open market to instead of the average, working-class American that founded this country," making everybody else in the tribe incredibly uncomfortable. Even his friend Teresa is a bit perturbed, but in being so, she ends up describing Frank better than anyone else had or ever will: "Well, what can I say about Frank? Once again, Frank is Frank." He sure is.

First off, happy new year everyone!

PLEASE let Emmy Award Winner Courtney Marit make this list. Without her, Shane would've had no real person to play his craziness off of.

I'll include Courtney as soon as somebody tells me what the hell she won an Emmy for. :P

Could there be more Africa entries? =/

Yeah, I didn't realize how Africa-heavy that batch was until I posted it. That was the result of the Frank addition and a re-ordering at the same time (Brandon was actually a little bit lower). And hey, technically, it's ASS Ethan, so that group was only 60% Africa! Come on! (Just to clarify, when I say that Frank was a semi-last-minute addition, I mean that he was added just before I started posting them; not that I randomly decided to include him midway through.)

Frank and James are underrated? They're two of the few people who consistently made me laugh every time they were on screen. Surprised to see them on this list.

Really? Frank I definitely wasn't sure about as I alluded to, but James was one of the first people that I knew for sure would be somewhere on the list.

Brandon lost all of the little respect he had from me when he said he'd make breakfeast instead of collecting water. Then he made double servings for "his friends" and didn't save anything for the guys doing the work. He's what normal people call a piece of shit. Silas was a pain in the ass, too. Although not as much as Brandon (and Lindsay). Asking the people he wanted out to vote for Lindsay without even telling them who is leaving is not entertainment. It's bullshit.

That's fair. Back in the day, I absolutely despised them both--to this day, Silas and Lindsey would probably rank as my favorite back-to-back elimination on any reality show. I don't think I would be able to appreciate Silas if he hadn't taken his boot so well when he really had every right to be pissed off. And don't even get me started on Brandon when Africa was airing. But now that it's been a while and the hate has subsided, moments like "I've got a date with Frank!" are just too funny for me not to love.

<3 this list

Thanks! Kudos for the Hayden/Aaron avatar btw.

Do overrated characters after plz.

Not a bad idea; doing the write-up for the #4 person on the countdown gave me a possible future list idea, but it makes sense to do the complement to underrated characters. Although Dan definitely wouldn't be #1--I already know who I would pick for that "honor."

Ethan? Really? He's so boring.

In Africa, definitely. But honestly, besides Hatch, Boston Rob, and maybe Rudy, he's the most entertaining guy in ASS which was so completely unexpected. Considering Morasca's situation and the fact that he's a physically strong young guy, I don't think anyone was surprised that he outlasted the other previous winners, but the fact that he showed some personality was definitely a shocker.

I hate Brandon, and a lot of it has to do with how he treated Lindsey. As annoying as she might have been out there, to bash someone who cares about you a lot behind their back is shitty. Then he screwed it up and voted out Kelly. Boo.

I'll admit, I'm not a big Lindsey fan, so I wasn't quite as sympathetic...but you had to bring up the Kelly boot, didn't you? I need CL to back me up; I think we're the only two Sucksters who like both Kelly and Brandon (although to be fair, I'm more in the transition stage between "tolerate" and "like").

Frank is definatly one of my favorite castaways ever. What pissed me off was the episode afterward where Jeff said "Frank paid for his opinions" about gun rights. Fucking bullshit.

I just pulled up the episode to check it out; wow, I never remembered that. The only reason Frank spoke up was because he knew he was getting voted out anyway and had nothing to lose. That's almost as bad as "Fang had a death wish and voted out Jacquie."

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10. Gary Hawkins Hogeboom
Guatemala - 7^th place

When you think about the idea of an obscure ex-NFL player going on a reality show and denying his past and changing his last name, it's hard not to laugh. How random is that? And yet, that's exactly what we got when Gary Hogeboom appeared on Survivor: Guatemala. I expected to hate the guy at first, figuring he was a Tom Westman wannabe, but Gary proved to be too awesome to not be one of my all-time favorites. Now, to be fair, the whole quarterback storyline was pretty overblown and amounted to absolutely nothing when Danni supposedly pegged him from the get-go and nobody really seemed to care. To this day, I kind of question how Danni was able to pinpoint a guy who had played for the NFL two decades earlier so easily. I know she was a sports radio show host, but call me a conspiracy theorist; it just seems a little odd. I could maybe understand if she heard his real name and it rang a bell or something, but there are thousands of men who look exactly like Gary in this country. Hell, he kind of looks a little bit like Frank Garrison. Whatever. Either way, I just love the idea of someone actually creating an entirely new identity solely to play the game of Survivor.

What made it fun was how committed Gary was to being "Gary Hawkins." Frankly, he deserves a ton of accolades for never slipping up in front of any of his fellow players. Granted, it was more or less a moot point, but the only time Gary Hogeboom was in Guatemala was when he was doing confessionals. Every other moment out there, he was Gary Hawkins. But after the merge, Gary begins to shed the ex-NFL/"I swear on Twila Tanner's son's life that my legal birth name is Gary Hawkins" gimmick, and that's when he truly emerges as an excellent character. In the minority as a former Yaxha member, Gary realizes his back is against the line, and when Judd, in one of the worst attempts at a convincing lie in history, offers up a clue to the location of the hidden immunity idol, Gary couldn't be more thankful…until he stumbles upon Judd searching for it and realizes he's been lied to. Gary dramatically informs viewers of this revelation, but gets the last laugh when it leads to his discovery of the idol. But the greatest Gary moment--and my personal favorite moment of the entire season--takes place at Gary's last Tribal Council. With Steph singled out as running the camp, Jeff Probst asks for Gary's take. "I personally like Steph," he said. "But there's some people here that are star-struck by her. That's not her fault, but…they can all probably get her autograph after the show." The reaction of Bobby Jon and Jamie in the jury (and Steph's subsequent reaction to that) made a hysterical moment even funnier, but Gary wasn't done yet. When Judd declared that he'd yet to lie in the game, Gary called him out for the idol fib. Touchdown!

9. Earl Cole
Fiji - Winner

As I've said before, Fiji is easily the least popular season of the show, and unfortunately, a large part of that is due to Earl. No, it's nothing against him personally, but the fact that every viewer with one iota of knowledge about the way Survivor is edited had him pegged as the winner by week three (if not earlier) couldn't have helped the season's reputation. And unfortunately, I think the obviousness of his win caused people to write him off as a much duller character than he actually is. True, he was a mild-mannered guy, but he certainly had his moments on the show. From his Rush Hour-esque friendship with Yau-man to a snake-killing trip to Exile Island in which he deadpanned, "Snakes are misunderstood. We have an understanding now," Earl was one of the few Fiji personalities that managed to endear himself to viewers, and ultimately, his fellow players, who unanimously voted for him to win the game. The quintessential charming Earl moment though, was on his third trip to Exile Island. He'd spent so much time there that he dubbed it "Earl Island," complete with a logo drawn in the sand and a mock advertisement touting the island to potential tourists. Earl was far from the most entertaining person the show has ever seen, but he was hardly the bore that he's made out to be--don't let the predictability of the season be a mark against the man himself.

8. Matthew von Ertfelda
Amazon - 2^nd place

For such a wonderfully manic character, you would think that it would be impossible to describe Matthew von Ertfelda in a single word, yet Christy Smith summed him up perfectly: "Cweepy," she said with a twitch. When it comes to impressive comeback story arcs, nobody can beat Kathy in Marquesas, but damn it if Matt doesn't come close. Had I done a list of this sort immediately following Amazon, there's no way Matt would come even remotely close to the top 10, but over the years as the love for Jenna Morasca has increased, the appreciation for Matt has steadily waned. Frankly, I think there is a lot of history being rewritten when it comes to Amazon--not that Jenna hasn't proven herself to be a very fan-friendly and likable person, but people act as though she was always this way when the majority of the audience was perplexed and flat-out pissed off when she won, especially in a landslide against Matt.

If I remember correctly, Matt had never seen Survivor before he applied for the show. He came in there pretty much blind, and it was very likely that he would be an early boot, just based on his weak social skills. It wasn't until Rob Cesternino took him under his wing that Matt had a chance at going far, and even then, it was doubtful. Rob kept Matt around as a vote, but behind his back, he pretty mercilessly made fun of him, and as funny as Cesternino could be, it got to be pretty mean-spirited at times. Matt was a pretty eccentric guy to say the least, and Rob strung him along, coming up with goofy ideas like "The Chain" to keep Matt loyal and entertain himself. But soon, Rob came clean and wanted an actual final two deal with Matt. But in the very next episode, Matt gave up the visit from his mother he'd won in the reward challenge so that everybody else could see their loved one (don't worry, he got to see his mom anyway), and Rob realized that this generous gesture might make Matt too much of a threat to face in the end. But in a beautiful twist of fate, Rob had taught Matt so well how to play the game that Matt was making deals and shrewd moves that Rob was completely unaware of, including brilliantly throwing the final challenge and getting to the final two that Rob was unable to make. That's why Matt is absolutely my favorite of the season. On day one, he was completely clueless, and a master strategist gradually taught him the ways of the game. By the end, he not only embraced the strategy aspect of the game, but he outsmarted his teacher. It was an amazing storyline, but unfortunately, the high school mentality of the Amazon cast prevented him from winning. And to this day, I still think he should have won, and although it's been explained somewhat in post-game interviews, if you go by the way the season is edited, Jenna's win still makes no sense.

Ok, so there was one other thing about Matt that kind of got in the way of his victory. About halfway through the game, Matt obsessively began sharpening a machete. He would sit there in complete silence, and from all indications, this was not merely a case of the editing emphasizing a minor instance; he did this day in and day out. He'd always had his weird tendencies, but this was a new level for Matt, and his fellow players were pretty terrified by this new development. In fact, if you ask Jeff Probst, not only does he say that Jenna is the least deserving winner ever, but he insists, "She only won because the jury thought Matthew was crazy. And they didn't want to give him a million dollars." Personally, I don't think that gives Jenna enough credit, but I understand what Jeff is trying to say. Anyway, I don't mean to take anything away from Jenna whatsoever, but despite what seems to be the popular response these days, it is possible to respect her game while still acknowledging Matt as a fantastic character and player in his own right.

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Sorry, I know this group was another sausage-fest, but the next one isn't, I promise!