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Episode 1 "Waggin' Fingers, Farwood, Slutty Vids, and More"

"Good afternoon. I'm Jeff Probst."

"And I'm co-host Julie Chen."

The two were standing in a studio in front of the two houses where a game unlike any other was about to begin.

"What happens when you mix together CBS' popular reality shows Survivor and Big Brother?" Julie asked in a robotic voice. "We're about to find out."

"Twelve contestants will be split into two houses of six," Jeff continued. "They will compete against each other for immunity; the losing house will compete in another competition for Head of Household. The Head of Household will nominate two people, and one of these people will be evicted when I visit their house for Tribal Council."

"So without further ado, let's meet the contestants," said Julie. "I think they'll be very familiar to you."

Our first house consists of: Alicia Calaway from Survivor: The Australian Outback...

Alicia: I'm probably the most physically fit Survivor ever. Check out these babies! [Flexes her muscles] As long as I can keep the ghetto in check and that Finger in my pocket, I'm goin' all the way.

...Mia Galeotalanza from Survivor: Vanuatu...

Mia: I think I'm pretty easy-going. I'm pretty good at holding my tongue. [Laughs] Until someone pisses me off, and then I'm gonna let them have it.

...Dirk Been from Survivor: Borneo...

Dirk: The reason I signed up for this was to have fun and grow in my relationship with the Lord. And if I can meet some hot chicks, that would be tight. You know what I'm sayin'?

...Butch Lockley from Survivor: The Amazon...

Butch: I'm probably the oldest guy out here; I might not be too good at the challenges. But if I believe in myself, anything is possible, and I believe I might win this time.

...Linda Spencer from Survivor: Africa...

Linda: I believe in many gods. I know they'll be watching over us during our stay here. As long as we leave them at peace and do nothing to disrespect them, we should be okay.

...and finally, Darrah Johnson from Survivor: Pearl Islands.

Darrah: Ah'm all farred up to play this game. Ah' made it so far last time and ah'm still kinda pissed about not winnin'. Ah' dunno about bein' couped up in a house for such a long time; I grew up outdoors hunnin' and fishin'. But ah'll dew whatever it takes tew win.

"You have so many different personalities on this team," said Julie. "Should be fun to watch."

"Now let's take a look at the second team vying for the million dollar prize."

The second house consists of: Helen Glover from Survivor: Thailand...

Helen: I know so many recipes that are just TO. DIE. FOR. I'll be making so many of them that they won't want to vote me off. Like my old-fashioned blueberry pie recipe. You need 12 ounces of blueberries, 1/2 cup of sugar, a tablespoon of flour, 1/4 cup of butter....

...Tina Wesson, winner of Survivor: The Australian Outback...

Tina: Ah' know that as a winner ah've got a HUGE target on mah' back. But if ah' didn't even play because I thought I would lose and I didn't wanna hurt my reputation, ah'd be being a selfish bitch.

...Ethan Zohn, Survivor: Africa's winner...

Ethan: It's not about winning the million dollars for me; it's about competing against these eleven other players and hopefully beating them.

...Jon Dalton, our villain from Survivor: Pearl Islands.

Jon: I don't play by the rules. I'm ready to go in there, fuck everybody over, stab people in the back, get wasted, film some pornos... Win if you can, lose if you must, but ALWAYS cheat!

...and Jenna Lewis is back from Survivor: Borneo...

Jenna: People call me The Saint because I'd never do anything rude to anybody. I'm a virgin, I've never had sex; I don't plan on it any time soon. I'd certainly never videotape it. I read the Book of Mormon every night. Pfft. Yeah right. I'm SO prepared to slut it up while in this house. I even brought birth control pills as my luxury item.

"That Jenna sure seems a bit loose," Julie laughed. "Should be interesting."

"Now, you only saw five contestants from that team," said Jeff. "That's not all. There are actually seven people, but their fellow houseguests will have no idea. Two people will be switching places in the house every three days and playing as one person. If they can make it past Day 15 without anyone noticing the switch, they'll be allowed to play the game together at the same time."

"Let's take a look."

Heidi Strobel and Jenna Morasca were best friends in Survivor: The Amazon. They even stripped together for peanut butter and chocolate and went on to pose for the cover of Playboy.

Rob Cesternino: Two girls. One brain. Divided by two. Only one half-wit left.

Christy Smith: They're two people stuck in one body.

These two girls will be switching places in the SurviviBrother house every three days and punking their fellow houseguests. They will both play under the name Heidi.

Jenna: I dyed my hair blonde for this. I think I look enough

Heidi: I think we can totally pull this off. With my athletic ability and your intelligence, we're gonna be an unstoppable force. We're gonna be the Masterminds behind everything that goes on in the house.

Jenna: For sure. These guys aren't even gonna know what hit them.

Heidi: What she said. ^

"We'll see if they can pull it off," said Julie. "Heidi will be in the house for the first three days. Now let's check in on our houseguests as they're about to begin the game."

"Thirteen houseguests, thirty days, ONE Survivor!" Jeff's voice echoed through the studio.

(SurviviBrother theme plays)

Day 1

Twelve former Survivors were standing in front of two houses, one purple and one blue. They had been standing here a while and were wondering when something would finally happen.

"I've about had it with this bullshit," Mia whispered to her teammate, Darrah Johnson.

"Ah'm gittin' tarred of waitin'," Darrah agreed.

"We've been standing here for like two HOURS!" screamed Jenna Lewis. "I could have had sex with at least four people in this amount of time." Tina raised her eyebrows and looked over at Helen.

"EEEEEEEEEK!" Jenna shrieked, when she noticed two people walking towards them. "It's Jeff and Julie Chen! Oh my God! The game's starting! SHRIEK! OOOOOOOOOOOOH! I'm so excited." Ethan grinned and shook his head.

"Good afternoon," said Julie Chen. She paused. "And welcome to SurviviBrother."

"Julie's looking like a tranny," Jon whispered to Jenna Lewis.

"Oh, STOP!" Jenna laughed.

"I want you take a good look at the men and women around you," Julie continued, "because believe it or not, this is your new family."

"If Jenna is part of my family now, can I still fuck her?" Jon whispered.

"I'm open 24-7," Jenna laughed.

"You'll get to know each other very well in the next month," Julie went on. "You might just find your new best friend. Or your own worst enemy."

"That sounded dumb; we already know each other," Jon whispered to Jenna. "I thought Asian women were supposed to be intelligent."

"You did?" Jenna asked. "I guess you've never met Shit Can Huang. They are good at ironing clothes, though."

"You've already been grouped into two teams," said Jeff. He looked over at the two groups of six. Julie passed out purple buffs to Jenna Lewis and the rest of her team and then blue buffs to Darrah and her team.

"Your first task will be to think of a team name," said Jeff. "You are not to have contact with any member of the opposing team except at challenges."

The front doors of both houses swung open.

"Good luck," said Jeff. "At the end of thirty days, one of you will walk away with a million dollars."

"EEEEEEEEK!" Jenna squealed.

Jenna, Jon, Helen, Tina, Heidi, and Ethan turned and walked into the two-story purple house behind them. When the last person walked in, the door slammed shut and Mia, Alicia, Dirk, Linda, Butch, and Darrah entered their blue house. The game was officially on.

***

Mia, Alicia, Dirk, Linda, Darrah, and Butch walked into their new living room. All the walls were painted blue to match their team color. In the middle of the room was a big blue couch. Surrounding the couch were the lit torches of each of the six contestants.

"So we gotta think of a team name, ya'll," said Dirk. "What's it gonna be?"

"Well, I thought of a cute name," said Alicia, as she plopped onto the couch. "Miliciairkutcharrda. It's all of our names put together. What do you think?"

"Sounds good enough to me," said Butch.

"Okay," Alicia laughed. "We're all set."

"I'm not going to be on a team with a name like that," Mia spoke up.

"S'cuse me?" Alicia asked.

"I can't even pronounce that," said Mia. "It's a shitty name."

"Well, could you think of anything better?" Alicia yelled. "Because if you can, I'd be more than happy to hear it."

"Well, no, but–" Mia started to say.

"Then DO NOT JUMP ALL OVER ME, babe! I'm actually contributing and trying to come up with something. And if you can't do better, quit criticizing me and stay out of my face!"

"What crawled up your ass and died?" Mia asked. "Bitch."

"The minute we walked in the door, Mia started getting in my face and jumping down my throat," Alicia said in the diary room, a room where the houseguests could give their thoughts without being overheard by their fellow competitors. "I don't have very much patience for people like that. I can tell right off the bat that I'm not going to be able to deal with her."

"I'm sure we can all come to an agreement on something," said Butch. He reached into his suitcase and pulled out a burned and tattered blue sign. "This is my school banner that I brought to Survivor: Amazon. It used to say 'Believe in Yourself' but it got ruined when I burned the camp down."

"Dude, what's your point?" Mia asked.

"Well, it's a motto that I live by and tell my students every day. If you believe in yourself, anything is possible. Believe to achieve. I just think that our team's already gotten off to kinda a bad start, and we need to focus and believe in ourselves if we want to move forward. So I thought maybe we could hang this banner up outside and name ourselves Team Believe to motivate us."

"That's a WONDERFUL idea!" Linda exclaimed. She got down on her knees. "Now can we all just get along? We're a TEAM, people!"

Mia shook her head.

"I'm not just gonna sit back and pretend that everything's okay," Mia said in the diary room. "There are definitely some people here who are gonna be hard to live with. And our team name? Team Believe? Sounds kind of corny to me. I mean, don't get me wrong– it's better than that crap Alicia came up with, but still... I don't know if I can get used to it."

***

"Doesn't this house make you guys feel horny?" asked Jenna Lewis, looking around at the purple walls.

"Ginna is getting extremely aggravating," Tina told the cameras. "Ah' swear, everything that comes out of that girl's mouth is something about sex! She is so slutty!"

"So what's our name gonna be?" Ethan asked.

"The Fuck Team," Jon answered.

"How 'bout Team 69?" Jenna suggested.

"Team Blowjob."

Tina bit her lip.

"So whenever we got to namin' our team, Ginna and Jon immediately started talking about sex," Tina said in the diary room. "Like that's all they can think about. And the names kept gettin' sluttier and sluttier... I just couldn't listen to it."

Tina got up and walked out of the room.

"Ooooooo! Oooooooooo!" Jenna shrieked. "We can name it Team Slutty Vid. How do you like that?"

The room grew dead silent, except for the sound of Jenna making squealing noises.

"So no objections?" Jenna asked. "Team Slutty Vid it is!"

"You know, I don't want to be named Team Slutty Vid," Ethan told the cameras. "That's embarrassing. But the sooner you step in and disagree with something, the sooner you're gonna get voted off."

"Speaking of slutty videos, want to go film one?" Jon asked Jenna.

"You know it!" Jenna giggled. "I LOVE you, Jonny Fairplay!"

Jon jumped onto Jenna's back and she gave him a piggy-back ride upstairs. Helen, Heidi, and Ethan heard a door slam.

"Eeeeeeek!" they heard Jenna scream. "Ooo! Ooo!"

"I have no clue what's going on between Jenna and Jon," Heidi said in the diary room. "All I know is: I've definitely heard some strange noises coming from their room. Let's just leave it at that."

Team Believe

"Finally, I could find time to get away from everything that was going on in the house and have some quiet time to myself," Dirk said, over at Team Believe. He looked up at the cameras. "Basically, that includes meditating, chatting with the Big Dawg, reading some Psalms..."

Dirk flipped to the next page in his Bible as he lay sprawled across his bed.

"Lord, you are my shield. You are my wonderful God who gives me courage. I will pray to the Lord. And he will answer me from his Holy mountain..."

"This is how I get all my strength and energy," he told the cameras. "This is what's gonna help me do my best and win the challenges. If people at the other team, like probably Jenna Lewis, are reading the Bible and praying, and we're not... we're gonna lose at the challenges."

"I can lie down and go to sleep. And I will wake up again because the Lord protects me. Thousands of enemies may surround me. But I am not afraid."

"I think that's enough for today," Dirk closed his Bible and placed it into the drawer beside his bed. "Now I'm gonna go flirt with some of those hot chicks."

Dirk was about to get up, when he heard a knock at the door.

"Come in."

"Hey Dirk," Linda Spencer walked into the room. "I have to ask you something."

"Yes, ma'am."

"I was wondering if you'd like to join me in a prayer session. Back at home, I do this every day with my family, and I don't want to pray all alone."

"Yeah, sure thing," said Dirk. "God needs all the praise He can get."

"Well, I was going to pray to Mother Earth."

"Oh no, that ain't workin'," said Dirk. "I believe in only one God, who sent His only son, the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, into this world to die for my sins."

"Oh, I hear ya'," said Linda. "I worship him, too. But he's not the only god. There's Mother Earth, there's Zeus, there's Hercules..."

"Linda is annoying," Dirk told the cameras. "She keeps talking about Zeus and Athena and all those folks... You know, I believe in the First Commandment: thou shalt have no other gods before me, and for her to say that... I just can't take it."

"People like that are called Heathens where I live," Dirk told Linda.

"That is so disrespectful to all the gods and goddesses around us," said Linda. "What makes you believe that your religion is the only right one?"

"I have faith in my Lord."

"What Dirk did to me today kind of upset me," Linda said in the diary room. "No matter what, I would NEVER have disrespected someone's beliefs in the way he did by saying someone was a Heathen or anything like that. I never would have done that. There's nooooooo way."

***

"I don't feel like doing any work today," Mia said, as she turned to catch some rays.

"Me neither," Darrah agreed.

The two were lying outside by the pool getting some sun.

"Ah've gotten tew be pretty good friends with Mia," Darrah told the cameras in her Southern drawl. "Ya' know, from watchin' her on her show, yew maght think that she be a bitch or somethin', but she ain't. She's really nahce."

"There really aren't any cute guys here," said Mia.

"There sure ain't," Darrah agreed. "Butch is a bit tew old, and Dirk..... he ain't that good-lookin'."

"You can say that again."

Mia turned over to see Dirk walking into the backyard with them.

"What is he doing here?" Mia whispered to Darrah. "Tell him to go away."

"Hola, chicas bonitas!" Dirk called to the two girls.

Mia squinted her eyes and jerked her head backwards.

"Dude, go AWAY!" she yelled. "Can't you see the two of us having a conversation?"

Dirk came over and sat between Darrah and Mia.

"You sure do look nice today," Dirk told them. "I'm sure you look nice every day, though..."

"Dirk kept hitting on Darrah and me," Mia said in the diary room. She rolled her eyes. "I know I'm not interested in him. And he certainly doesn't have a chance in hell with Darrah... So why is he even trying?"

"So do you have a boyfriend?" Dirk asked Darrah.

"Not raght now, no," Darrah answered.

"So what chance do you think I would have with you?" Dirk asked, winking at her.

"Nothin'. No offense."

"Playing hard to get?" Dirk asked. "That's aight."

"Dude: leave us ALONE!" Mia yelled, getting up. "You're seriously creeping us out."

"I'm not doing ya'll no harm..."

"That's bullshit, Diiiiiiirk!" Mia pointed her finger as she yelled. "Get the hell away from us!"

"Mia–" Dirk started to say.

"WHATEVER, Dirk!" Mia interrupted at the top of her voice. "I told you to go away the second you walked out here! Go hit on that mannish bitch Alicia or something... we don't want you here!"

"Chill out, girl," Dirk stood up. "I just wanted to–"

Mia grabbed Dirk by the shoulders and flung him into the pool.

"That hurt."

"Darrah's like a sweet Southern belle," Dirk said in the diary room, "and Mia has this rough edge to her. That's sexy to me. And then you throw in Heidi, JLew, and even that Tina... and there are some hot girls here. I don't believe in sex before marriage, it's God's gift... but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy the view, you know what I'm sayin'?"

"Come on, Darrah," said Mia. "Let's go inside and watch TV."

"'k."

"That's just like you two not to be doing any work."

Mia whipped her head around to see Alicia behind her. Alicia was standing next to Butch, and both of them were carrying a bundle of sticks, tree branches, and logs.

"What's your problem, Alicia?" Mia yelled.

"You two have been lying on your asses all day while everyone else has been helping out," Alicia answered, carrying wood while waving her finger at the same time. "That's my problem."

"Just 'cuz ah ain't workin' at the same tahme as ya'll two don't mean ah ain't gonna do nothin' all day," Darrah fought back.

"I haven't seen either of you do anything the entire time we've been here."

"Chill OUT, Alicia!" Mia snapped. "This isn't the same as last time; we're not stranded in the wilderness. I'll help out later with the dishes or something. It's important for me to have fun and get to know people first. Let's go inside, Darrah."

Darrah and Mia walked inside and Mia slammed the door shut.

"Someone's got a chip up her butt," Mia said to Darrah, her head shaking back and forth. "What were they doing, anyway?"

"Looks lahke they was gatherin' farwood."

***

Back outside, Butch motioned to Dirk. "Hey, can you hand me that tree limb that fell in the pool?"

"Sure thing, dawg."

"It's important for us to have as much firewood as possible," Butch said in the diary room. "Fire keeps us warm. We can all gather around the fireplace at night, keep each other's company, tell stories, roast marshmallows... I'm tryin' to get as much wood as possible."

"I think we've got enough to last the whole month!" Alicia laughed.

"I think we need a bit more," Butch disagreed. "I'll go ask Darrah for some help. You carry this firewood to my room and put it under my bed."

"No problem."

***

"Why dew they need all that farwood?" Darrah asked Mia, looking out the window.

"Who the hell knows?" Mia snorted, changing the channel with the remote.

They heard the door to the living room swing open.

"Hey, Darrah," Butch asked, walking into the living room. "Let's go get some firewood."

"No thanks," Darrah answered.

"But Darrah," Butch begged, "if you don't help, we won't have enough for tonight."

"Ah' WIYL git farwood whene'er ah WANNA git farwood!"

"Me and Mia were inside watchin' the TV," Darrah told the cameras, "and Butch came in actin' lahke ah had to go outside and help him gather some farwood. That kinda made me mad 'cuz no one cin tell me what ah' cin and cain't do."

"All right then," Butch shook his head. He walked out of the room.

"Fire is very important," Butch told the cameras. "We need as much firewood as we can get, but Darrah didn't want to help out."

"What the hell is wrong with him?" Mia asked. "We don't even need firewood, but he's trying to make you feel like you're not working because you don't want to get any."

"Ah dunno."

"Dude, I'm going to go call him out right now."

Mia got up from her seat and walked out of the room to look for Butch.

***

Butch was putting a pile of firewood under his bed, when he heard a knock at the door. "Come in."

The door flung open and Butch turned to see Mia running in with her face scrunched up and her hand in a fist.

"What can I help you with, missy?"

"Stop playing the martyr, BUTCH!" Mia yelled.

"Huh?"

"We don't even need firewood!" Mia screamed. "You're the ONLY ONE who cares about firewood. You get it your own damn self and quit trying to make us feel bad like we're not doing anything!"

"You guys haven't done anything...."

"What have you done, Butch?" Mia interrupted. "All I've seen you do is gather wood. There's no fucking point to that; all you're doing is hurting the trees."

"It's important to us that we have a fire going in the fireplace at night."

Mia's eyes rolled to the top of her head and she shook her head fiercely.

"It's important to YOU. And that's fine, but you get your own damn firewood. I'm going to help out and do things that are actually IMPORTANT, like washing dishes and vacuuming... You're wasting your time gathering firewood and then trying to act like you're the only one working and we're all just sitting on our asses."

"I just thought that if we had a fire at night, it could be something everyone could enjoy," Butch said calmly. "I guess I'm just a wood-crazy nut. I wasn't trying to make anyone feel bad."

Mia rolled her eyes.

"That's bullshit!" she screamed. "It's your only card; you're playing the martyr. You'd better think of a new strategy, 'cuz it's gonna backfire!"

"Mia–"

"WHATEVER!" Mia screamed. She marched out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

"If what I did today gets me voted out, so be it," Mia said in the diary room. "Butch had just been absolutely horrendous to Darrah and I, and I felt like I had to kind of put him in his place."

"The only person I've had a problem with so far has been Mia," Butch said in a confessional. "She's a nice girl, but she's like a firecracker waiting to explode. She went off today and you better believe that I feared for my life."

Team Slutty Vid

"If you look at this team, there are two people who don't deserve to be here," Jenna Lewis told the cameras in her loud, obnoxious voice. "Tina and Ethan. Those guys both won a million dollars on their first go-round. I think it's pretty selfish for them to be in this house fighting for another million when so many others would have KILLED for that chance. Sorry guys, but you're DONE. We're not letting you win again."

"So what made you guys come back?" Jenna asked Tina and Ethan. The three were in the living room sitting around the coffee table.

"Ah thought it might be fun," Tina answered. "Whenever they asked me to do this, ah' immediately said yes. Ah' didn't want to not play and end up regrettin' it."

Jenna shook her head.

"It's so easy to say that when you ALREADY have a million dollars in your bank account," she told the two winners. "What would you do with the money if you won again?"

"Well, I just came for the competition," Ethan told her. "If I win, the money's all gonna go to the charity I started: Grassroot Soccer." Jenna rolled her eyes. "Basically, we do AIDS education through soccer in Africa... We teach professional soccer players about HIV and AIDS and they go into the schools to teach the youth."

"Yeah, ah'd do a lot to help out as well," Tina told Jenna.

"You have so much money that if you win, you're wasting it on charity," Jenna whined. "I need the money to help launch my porn career."

Ethan and Tina looked at each other and shook their heads.

"Sorry guys, but we don't want you on our playing field," Jenna told them. "We're voting you off first."

Jenna heard a cabinet slam shut in the kitchen.

"I think I heard something in the kitchen," she told Tina and Ethan. "I'll be back in a second."

Jenna hopped up and ran to the kitchen. Tina shook her head.

"Bless her heart, but good LORD she's a bitch!"

***

"What are you doing?" Jenna walked into the kitchen where she found Helen holding a box of flour.

"I was gonna cook dinner," Helen answered. "My world famous macaroni and cheese recipe. You need 5 cups of cooked macaroni, 3 tablespoons of flour, 5 tablespoons of butter, 2 eggs... Now you might want to add Tabasco Sauce, but I know not everybody would go for that..."

"Helen's just an absolutely obnoxious person," Jenna said in the diary room. "When she starts talking about recipes, I just wanna pick up a gun and BASH my skull in."

"½ tablespoon of salt, 3 cups of milk, 6 cups of cheese– you can use cheddar or mozzarella..."

"That's great, Helen."

"Oh, you know what might be fun?" Helen asked. "Raisins. I'm a HUGE raisin person. Anyway, you're gonna start by preheating the oven to 350 degrees..."

"She sits there and explains her recipes soooooo thoroughly," Jenna continued in the diary room, "and I'm just like: SHUT UP. It's OBNOXIOUS."

"You know what," Jenna interrupted Helen, "did you even ask me if you could cook?"

"Well, no..."

Jenna took the box of flour from Helen's hand and set it back in the cabinet.

"I was gonna cook dinner tonight," she told Helen. "You don't have to worry about it."

"Oh no, that's fine Jenna. I really don't have a problem with cooking. I promise that you'll like my mac and cheese recipe. It goes back down ten generations."

"Well maybe not everybody wants macaroni and cheese," Jenna said in a fake voice. "I'll cook something later tonight. Why don't you go relax and watch TV or something?"

"Jenna–"

"Trust me, Helen. Now I gotta get back to my conversation with Tina and Ethan."

Helen shook her head.

"EEEEEK!" Jenna squealed, as she ran out of the room.

"Jenna tries to control everything that goes on in the kitchen," Helen said in the diary room. "Jenna. Is. Annoying. If I had a gun, I'd shoot her first, shoot me second... that's why I don't carry a gun."

***

"The two of us need to look out for each other," Tina told Ethan. "With Ginna around, we might not have a chance."

"Well, maybe we can get her out."

"Ah made an alliance with Ethan," Tina told the cameras. "He's the closest thing to Colby there is here, except he doesn't have a mom fetish."

"Jon's obviously not gonna go for voting Jenna out," Ethan told Tina.

"Yeah, those two have been sluttin' it up the second they walked in the door!"

"But maybe you can talk to Helen and I'll talk to Heidi," Ethan continued, "and we can get them to vote for Jenna."

"Ah' know Helen will go for it. She's just as sick of Ginna as we are."

"Hey guys!" Jenna shrieked, running into the room. "Sorry for making you wait! I had something I had to take care of in the kitchen. Anyway, as we were saying: EEEEK! OOOOH! BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! YAP, YAP, YAP...."

***

"Jenna basically said, you know, you and Tina are being voted out first," Ethan said in the diary room. "I'm not just gonna sit and listen to that. Who is Jenna to tell me how long I can stay? So I talked to Heidi..."

"You're pretty good," Ethan told Heidi, as she kicked a ball into the soccer goal set up in the backyard.

"People are always underestimating my athletic ability!" Heidi laughed. "It's one of my greatest assets."

"Okay, here's the thing," Ethan changed the subject. "Tina and I would like to get you and Helen in an alliance to vote out Jenna and Jon..."

"Well, what would you do if you were in my situation?" Heidi asked in a serious voice.

"Uh, I'd align with us." Ethan was a bit taken aback.

"Okay," Heidi laughed. "I guess I'm in then!"

"Perfect."

"But here's the thing, Ethan. I do not trust Helen. She's been throwing me dirty looks the entire time we've been here. She's jealous of me and it shows."

"Well, you saw how me, Tina, and Helen played the first time around. We stuck to our word. And then you saw Jenna and Jon..."

Jenna and Jon suddenly ran out of the house naked and zoomed past Ethan and Heidi.

"Let's film Part Two of our video tonight!" Jon screamed.

"Okay!" Jenna yelled. "EEEEEK! I can't WAIT! What should we call it? 'Sins of SurviviBrother'? 'Swimming Under The Sheets'?"

Jenna wrapped a towel around herself and walked over to Heidi and Ethan.

"We were streaking," she laughed. "So what were you guys doing? EEEEK! Don't tell me! Kicking soccer balls? Let me try! Oooo! Ooo! Ooo! Let's see if I can make a goal!"

Jenna kicked the ball as hard as she could. It flew backwards, hit her in the face, and knocked her out.

"Oh my God!" Jenna screamed. "I thought I was good at handling balls!"

Ethan shook his head.

"Heidi agreed to join the alliance today," Ethan told the cameras, "so I'm *hoping* that we can get Jenna Lewis out. She came outside and tried to kick a soccer ball, and she pretty much sucked. She hit herself in the face. So hopefully she'll, you know, suck at challenges and we'll be able to get her out."

***

"I wasn't cooking!" Helen screamed when she heard someone walking into the kitchen. She scurried to hide all the pots and pans. But then she saw that it was Tina coming up to her. "Oh, thank God. I thought you were Jenna."

"Hey, girly girl!" Tina greeted. "Ah' needed to talk to you about something!"

"Oh no," Helen said in a paranoid voice. "Don't tell me: you're going to vote me off."

"No, of course not!" Tina said with a big smile. "Ah' wanted to see if you would be interested in votin' Ginna off."

"THANK. GOD." Helen replied. "I would love to vote Jenna off. She's horrible! She won't let me cook!"

"She wants me and Ethan off just because we won already," Tina told Helen.

"Quite frankly, I agree with Jenna," Helen told the cameras. "Tina and Ethan have already won a million dollars. That would be reason enough to vote them off, because THEY. DO. NOT. NEED. THE. MONEY. But what other choice do I have? I'm certainly not going to align myself with Jenna. Jon's from a completely 'nother planet. And Heidi's just fake. So it makes sense to team up with Tina and Ethan."

"I'm in," Helen told Tina. "But one thing: I do not trust Heidi. I do not trust her."

"Well, why not?" Tina asked.

"Heidi has FAKE. BOOBS."

"Hey, ah' take offense to that!" Tina laughed.

"Oh, that's not all," Helen went on. "She has fake hair color, fake hair length, fake eye color, a fake personality..."

"Hey, girls," Heidi walked into the room. "Just thought I'd grab a snack while Jenna isn't around to monitor food."

"Oh, hi Heidi," Helen greeted. "Anyway, Tina, she has a fake ass, fake shoulders..."

Heidi rolled her eyes.

"I walked into the kitchen and overheard Helen listing fake things about me," Heidi said in the diary room. "It's like she's not even trying to hide the fact that she's jealous of my hot, tight, cute, sexy body."

"Fake teeth, fake skin color..."

"I'm in this alliance with Helen," Heidi continued in the diary room, "and we were gonna vote Jenna Lewis out. That would be great because she wants all the winners out and my double is a winner. But at the same time, Helen, being one of the uglier, fatter women, might have a bone to pick with all the cute little girls. And she very well might try to get Jenna M and myself out. Either way, I want to set it up so that when my twin comes in, we have as many options as possible."

"What are you guys doing?" Jenna Lewis walked into the kitchen. "Oh my GOD, Helen! I told you not to cook! And Heidi, are you eating some Reese's Peanut Butter Cups? I told you that you've already eaten ENOUGH of those today! Put them back right now! EEEEEEEEEEEK! SHRIEK!"

Day 2

Team Believe

"Hey Darrah, want to lay outside by the pool again?" Mia asked her friend on the second day of SurviviBrother.

"'k," Darrah answered, "but first, there's this autopsy ah' wanted tew watch on the TV."

"Okay. I guess I'll see you in a bit, then."

Mia walked out to the backyard and Darrah made her way to the living room.

"Looks lak someone left the TV on," she said, as she walked into the room.

"Do cardiovascular training three to four times a week," said a woman on the TV. "Running, cycling, cardio kickboxing... and soon you'll have those six pack abs you've been dying for..."

Darrah looked around for the remote control and finally found it lying on the floor. She picked it up and changed the channel. Just then...

"What do you think you're doing?" yelled a loud voice.

Darrah turned around to see Alicia standing over her.

"I was watching that!" Alicia bitched at Darrah, taking the remote control from her.

"Sorry Alicia, ah didn't know. No one was in the room."

"You could have ASKED, sweetheart!" Alicia yelled. "I just left to use the bathroom and came right back to see you trying to steal the TV!"

"Ah wiyl ask next tahme," Darrah told her. "Ah didn't know. What were you watchin', anyway?"

"One of my exercise programs!" Alicia laughed. "I need to stay in shape!"

"Aren't you already tew muscular?" Darrah mumbled.

"S'cuse me?" Alicia asked, her finger swinging. "S'cuse me?"

"Nothin'."

"Alicia kept waggin' her finger in mah' face," Darrah said in the diary room. "Ah wanted to bite that finger raaaaght off."

"There's no such thing as being TOO muscular!" Alicia yelled. "Now go away and stay out of my face!"

"Ah think ah wiyl," Darrah told her. She walked out of the room and slammed the door. She made her way outside where she found Mia.

"I could hear Alicia all the way from here," Mia said, shaking her head. "Was she wagging her finger in your face?"

"Yup."

Mia rolled her eyes.

"This has got to stop. She can't just treat us all like this."

"Alicia's very annoying, she's very condescending," Mia told the cameras. "She bitches about everything. So we had a little confrontation today."

"So what were you bitching to Darrah about?" Mia asked, as she walked into the living room.

"Excuse me?" Alicia asked. "No one was bitching about anything. We had a little disagreement and worked it out civilly. And I don't think it concerns you at all."

"Yes it does, Aliiiiiiicia!" Mia yelled. "D said that you wagged your finger in her face! You've been doing that to all of us the second this game started and it needs to stop."

"If you don't want me to wag my finger in your face, then just stay away from me, hun," Alicia laughed. "As long as you keep bothering me, you'll be seeing the finger. And I have a different Finger for you next time, babe."

Alicia stuck out her middle finger.

"I swear I'm gonna rip that damn finger off," Mia said, lunging at Alicia. She started pulling and twisting Alicia's middle finger. Alicia laughed.

"I'm one of the most physically fit and capable people to ever be on this show," Alicia told the cameras. "And Mia started attacking me. I was like....what? I just had to laugh. Mia is scrawny; she probably weighs like 80 pounds. And I'd have no problem whooping her ass."

Alicia shoved Mia off of her.

"Stop wagging your finger in our faces, Alicia!" Mia screamed, before storming out of the room.

"I will ALWAYS wave my finger in your face!" Alicia yelled back. She shook her head and went back to exercising and watching TV.

"Mia had better hope that we win today's challenge," Alicia said in the diary room. "Voting her out just makes the most sense right now. I just have personal issues with her, and I think everyone is getting tired of dealing with her."

Team Slutty Vid

"Eeek! We've got mail!" Jenna squealed, as Jon opened the team's mailbox and pulled out a white envelope. Jon tore it open and read the note aloud to Jenna.

"You're tied up, you're helpless, you don't know what to do..."

"Ooo! Bondage!" Jenna shrieked.

"...Relying solely on your teammates to rescue you. The first team to make it will have three more days in the game. For the losers, one person will take the walk of shame."

"Sounds fun!" Jenna laughed.

"We got some mail today telling us about our first challenge," Jon said in the diary room. "We're just gonna roll over the other team. Have you taken a look at them? Their strongest guy is Alicia."

"I'm SO ready for this challenge!" Jenna yelled in a hyper voice. She squealed and started bouncing back to the house.

***

"Welcome to your first immunity challenge," Jeff greeted, with a large grin on his face. The two teams met outside at Team Believe's pool for the first challenge of the game. "Before we get started, I wanna ask you guys: what are your team names?"

"Team Believe," Butch spoke up.

"Team Slutty Vid!" Jenna laughed in a high-pitched voice.

"Interesting names," Jeff shook his head. "Now let's get to our first challenge. Here's what you guys are playing for."

Jeff unveiled a blue and green immunity idol.

"This guarantees your team three more days in the game," Jeff told them. "The losing team will compete in another challenge to see who will be the Head of Household. The Head of Household will nominate two people, and one of those two will become the first person voted out of this game."

Mia nodded.

"Okay," said Jeff. "I'll explain the rules of this challenge. There are two chairs at the bottom of the pool. One person from each team will be tied to a chair. The rest of the team will dive down, untie their team member, and bring them onto land. The first team to do this wins immunity. Who's going to be tied up?"

"Me!" Jenna shrieked. "This could be exciiiiiiiiiting. Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"

"I'll do it," Dirk volunteered for Team Believe.

"Survivors ready?" Jeff asked, after Jenna and Dirk were underwater and had been tied up. "GO!"

"Jenna finally won't be able to talk," Ethan joked.

"Yes, I CAN!" Jenna shrieked from underwater. "Hurry up and save me, guys! EEEEK! SHRIEK!"

The two teams jumped into the pool and swam down to rescue Jenna and Dirk.

"FINALLY!" Jenna screamed when she saw her team swimming up to her. "Hurry up and untie me!"

Ethan started untying Jenna.

"Hurry UP, Ethan!" Jenna yelled, as she saw Team Believe begin to untie Dirk.

After halfway untying Jenna, Ethan came up for breath.

"You're causing us to lose!" Jenna shrieked.

Jon came over and finished untying her.

"EEEK! SHRIEK! We're catching up!" Jenna squealed. "Jonny Fairplay, did you just grab my ass?"

Jon finished untying her, and the entire team grabbed her and started to swim up from underwater.

"Good Lord, even underwater she's frickin' heavy," Helen thought.

"I DO have a big ass!" Jenna shrieked, reading Helen's thoughts.

"EEEEEK! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! Ooooo!" Jenna yelled, as her team dragged her towards the start of the pool.

"First team to make it wins immunity!" Jeff called out.

Just then, Team Believe came up from underwater carrying Dirk.

"Come on guys, we can do this!" Linda shouted.

"Hold on, we're gonna have to take a break," said Alicia, as she coughed up water.

"HURRY UP, Alicia!" Mia screamed.

But it was too late.

"YEEEEEEEEEEK! HA HA HA!" Jenna squealed, as her team made it to the steps at the beginning of the pool and climbed out.

"Team Slutty Vid wins immunity!" Jeff announced.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!" Jenna shrieked.

"Nicely done," Jeff handed Jenna the immunity idol. "You guys are safe from tomorrow night's vote."

Team Believe came out of the pool.

"Unfortunately for you guys, I can't say the same thing," Jeff told them. "One of you will be the first person voted out of SurviviBrother."

"You heard that!" Jenna yelled at the other team. "SUCK IT, you guys!"

Mia rolled her eyes and jerked her head from side to side.

"You'll be coming back here in a few hours for your Head of Household competition," Jeff addressed Team Believe. "Good luck. You guys can head back home."

Both teams turned around and slowly made their way back to their respective houses. While the members of Team Slutty Vid were dancing and celebrating, Team Believe had their heads down and their shoulders slumped, their minds going in all kinds of directions. Who would win the first HOH competition? And who would be the first person voted out?

Team Slutty Vid

"We kicked their asses," Jon said to his team as they walked back into their house.

"Yeah we did," Jenna said in a hyper voice. "I bet that was Dirk's first bondage experience...he's a virgin. Did you like how I told the other team to suck it? I bet they didn't like that too much. Eeek! Yap, yap, yap. Blah, blah, blah... This immunity idol sure would make a great sex toy."

"You know, ah almost wish we hadn't won," Tina said in the diary room, "because ah wanna get rid a' Ginna. No matter where you go in the house, you cain't escape her mouth! She is so irritatin'."

Team Believe

"Did you hear Jenna?" Mia asked, as her team sat around the living room. "That bitch told us to suck it."

"You could hear her mouth running the whole challenge," Alicia added. "I wanted to wave my finger in her face."

"Finally something we agree on." Mia sighed.

"So we lost the first challenge today," Mia said in the diary room, "and basically, I felt like the other team did their best to rub it in our faces. So now we have an HOH competition coming up, and unless I win, I could see myself being the first person sent home."

"I'd better work out before the next challenge!" Alicia laughed.

Mia rolled her eyes.

"Butch, will you hold my feet for me?" Alicia asked. "I'm gonna do some sit-ups."

"You're gonna be a force to be reckoned with in the challenge," Butch told her.

"That's right!" Alicia laughed.

"She's way too full of herself," Mia continued in the diary room. "If Alicia's so buff and so strong, then why did we lose at the challenge today?"

"Check it out!" Alicia laughed as she flexed her right bicep in front of the mirror.

"Alicia, you know, she's always workin' out and stuff, she spends a lot of tahme in front of the mirror," Darrah told the cameras. "She's really proud of her body... She looka' lak a maaaaaaaaan tew me."

"Yeah, baby!" Alicia laughed, as she continued to flex her muscles.

Mia glanced over at Darrah and shook her head.

"We're not getting along," Linda whispered to the cameras. "That's why we lost the challenge today: our immunity idol goddess will not live in a home of conflict. And it looks like it's only going to get worse. One of us will win the power to nominate two people, and that's going to create some animosity. As long as we continue fighting, there's no way we can expect to win anything."

***

The six members of Team Believe walked out into their backyard where they saw three bundles of firewood scattered around.

"Good evening, houseguests," Julie Chen said with a creepy smile. "It's time for your *first* Head of Household competition."

Darrah took a deep breath.

"As you know," Julie continued, "the winner receives the power to nominate *two* houseguests for eviction. At Tribal Council, one of these two contestants will be voted out of the game. The two nominees will not vote. Neither will the Head of Household."

Alicia nodded.

"But there's one more surprise," Julie went on. "At each Head of Household competition, we will have a *special* guest host, each of them being a former Survivor contestant. Our first guest is someone who dominated the challenges in her season. In fact, she won so many back to back challenges that her tribemates nicknamed her 'The Challenge Goddess'."

[*Flashback* Jeff Probst (commentating on a reward challenge): AMI in the water! ELIZA's gaining on Ami whose having trouble getting back on the course.... ELIZA passes AMI! [a shot of Scout crawling across the balance beam] SCOUT, the woman who wouldn't quit, making her way back.

...It's between Eliza and Ami! AMI back in the water, takes a hard fall! It is Eliza's challenge to win if she can finish! (Eliza gasps for air)

(Scout appears out of nowhere, knocks out Eliza, and finishes the course)

...SCOUT comes from behind; wins a brand new Pontiac G6!

Scout: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *End Flashback*]

The houseguests turned around to see Scout Cloud Lee walking out from behind a tree.

"Oh, God," Mia rolled her eyes.

"What challenge do you have in store for us today?" Julie asked Scout.

"All right," Scout smiled at the six members of Team Believe. "Hello, little ones. This challenge will be quite excruciating. In the first part, there are three bundles of firewood lying in the yard. The six of you will race out and try to pick up one bundle and bring it to me. There are six of you and only three bundles, so three of you will be left out. The three that complete this task will move on to the second portion of this challenge, which I will reveal later."

"Everyone understand?" Scout asked.

The houseguests remained silent as a tumbleweed rolled by.

"I'll take that as a yes," Scout grinned. "Survivors ready? GO!"

The houseguests ran off in different directions. Linda was the first to make it to a bundle of firewood.

"Thank Zeus," she whispered, as she picked it up. "Oh my Hercules, this is heavy."

Just as she turned around and started making her way back to Scout, someone zoomed by and snatched the firewood from her. She whipped her head around to see Butch running away with the bundle.

"Come back here!" she shouted. But Butch was already way ahead of her. He ran up to Scout and gasped for breath as he dropped the firewood at her feet.

"Butch is moving on to Round 2!" Scout announced. "There's still two spots left!"

Dirk came to a bundle of firewood at the far end of the yard. He picked it up and darted off to bring it to Scout.

"Wait! Dirk!" Mia screamed. Dirk stopped running.

"Can I have that?" she batted her eyelashes as she walked up to Dirk. "I really wanna win this one. I need this really bad; you're not in any danger of going. I'll give you a kiss if you let me have it."

"Aww," Dirk blushed, handing Mia the firewood. He puckered and leaned in towards Mia.

"Yeah right," Mia rolled her eyes. She shoved Dirk away and ran towards Scout.

"Hey, that's not fair, girl," Dirk shook his head.

"Dirk might be a good catch, Mia!" Scout laughed. "He might be the only guy who could put up with you!"

"Shut up, bitch," Mia stopped running. "You're a lesbian, anyway. What do you know about what men are looking for?"

"I wouldn't date ya'!" Scout chuckled.

Mia rolled her eyes again for like the eightieth time since this game started. Just then, she felt someone snatch her bundle of firewood from her. It was Alicia.

"What the hell, Alicia?" Mia screamed. "Get your own–" But then Mia was on the ground. Alicia had knocked her unconscious by whacking her in the head with the firewood.

Alicia smirked.

"That's what you get."

"Great job, Alicia," Scout smiled as the personal trainer handed her the bundle of firewood. "We're looking for one more person!"

"Are you alraght?" Darrah, carrying the last bundle of firewood, crouched down next to Mia to ask if she was okay.

"I'm fine," Mia was just waking up. "Dude, just beat that bitch. We can't let Alicia win Head of Household."

Darrah looked behind her to see Linda and Dirk running towards her to steal the last bundle of firewood.

"Dude, you've gotta win this challenge," Mia whispered. "I'll keep those two off of you."

With Dirk and Linda on her tail, Darrah got up and ran as fast as she could towards Scout.

"You're not winning this!" Mia shouted, pushing Dirk as hard as she could. He fell backwards and hit Linda, knocking them both to the ground. Just as the two were about to get back up, Mia lunged at them and started clawing at their faces.

"Everyone back away!" Scout mocked Mia. "Her volcano is erupting!"

Just as Dirk and Linda freed themselves from Mia, Darrah walked up to Scout and handed her the last bundle of firewood.

"WHOOO!" Scout cheered. "Great job."

Mia smirked.

"Butch, Alicia, and Darrah, you've moved on to our final portion of the challenge," Scout grinned. "It will be a rather harrowing and intense endurance challenge, but c'mon, I lasted six hours when we were testing this, so ya'll should at least be able to stay up there for three or four."

Alicia nodded.

"In the center of the pool is a narrow balance beam," Scout explained. "The three of you will each stand on it while holding your bundle of firewood. In addition to this, you will be required to stand on one foot. The last one left standing is this game's first Head of Household."

"Piece of cake," Alicia smirked.

Scout handed each of the competitors their bundle of firewood, and they swam out to the balance beam.

"Good luck, all ya'll," Scout wished, after they had taken their places. Mia, Dirk, and Linda gathered around to watch.

"You did this for six hours?" Butch asked Scout, his knees shaking.

"You better believe it!" Scout laughed. "Why? You cain't handle it?"

"Just believe in yourself, Butch," Mia called out. "Anyone but Alicia."

Alicia shook her head. Just then, Butch lost his balance and fell face forward into the water. His bundle of firewood flew into the air and landed on top of him.

"Thirty seconds in and Butch is out!" Scout narrated. "That is pathetic. C'mon, ya'll!"

"Why does this farwood have to be so heavy?" Darrah almost lost her balance, but quickly regained it.

"This is no problem for me," Alicia said, confidently. "You might as well jump off now!"

"Ah dunno about that."

"Hang in there, D!" Mia yelled. "Alicia's just trying to psyche you out."

Two minutes passed and both women were still hanging in there and giving it their all.

"You can do this, Darrah!" Mia yelled.

"Come on, Darrah."

"Kick Alicia's ass."

"Let's do this, Darrah."

"Go Darrah! Beat Alicia!"

"You know what, Mia," Alicia was getting annoyed, "be veeeeeeeery careful, sweetheart. I could win this challenge and your ass would be out the door just like that. So just watch your mouth, babe."

"This is your challenge, D," Mia continued. "Don't give up, Darrah."

"Ah'm gittin' nuuuuuuuuuumb," Darrah was struggling.

Just then, Alicia slipped and lost her footing. She fell backwards into the pool.

"Congratulations, Darrah," Julie Chen announced, "you are the *first* Head of Household."

Relieved, Darrah dropped her bundle of firewood and jumped into the water.

"Great job, little one," Scout congratulated Darrah once she was out of the pool. She placed a necklace with a key on it around Darrah's neck.

"This is the key to the HOH bedroom," Julie told Darrah. "The nicest room in the house. But along with the privileges of being Head of Household, there are many responsibilities. Tonight, you will nominate two of your fellow houseguests for eviction."

Darrah gave a big smile.

"Great job, D," Mia gave her friend a hug. "I knew you could beat that bitch."

"You still have to live with me," Alicia warned Mia.

"Only for one more day!" Mia laughed.

"I wouldn't be so cocky."

"This challenge is over," Julie told the members of Team Believe. "Congratulations to Darrah. She will make her nominations tonight, and tomorrow one of those nominees will be voted *out* of the game when Jeff comes to your house to hold Tribal Council. Good luck."

With that, the six houseguests waved goodbye to Julie and Scout and made their way back inside the house.

"What do you think will happen?" Julie asked the Challenge Goddess.

"Well, I'd get rid of Mia!" Scout answered. "Whooooo, that girl's got a short fuse. But the girls seem to be in a little tiff with Alicia, so maybe she'll be sent packin'."

"I guess we'll just have to find out," said Julie, facing the camera. "Stay tuned."

"One thing's for sure," Scout interrupted. "Whoever gets voted out deserves it. Their performance at today's challenge was pitiful. Especially with the balance beam; they only lasted, what, two or three minutes? I was embarrassed for them!"

Team Believe

"Ah have been gittin' along with Mia," Darrah said in a diary room interview, "but besahdes that, this whole house...ah dunno....it's just a bunch of bull$&^%." Darrah laughed before continuing. "Dirk's always hittin' on me n' Mia..."

Dirk walked up to Mia and Darrah who were doing laundry.

"You did good at that challenge, girl," Dirk told Darrah. "That key looks good around your neck."

"Thanks."

Mia rolled her eyes.

"I like your last name," Dirk told Mia. "Galeoooooootalanza. What is it: Portuguese? Spanish?"

"I'm Italian."

Darrah continued her confessional in the diary room, "Linda's always off prayin' to some foreign god or another..."

"The firewood gods helped you win the challenge today," Linda said to Darrah.

"Ah know it."

"Wish they had been on my side!" Linda laughed.

"Every time you turn around, Butch is walkin' in the door with another bundle of farwood," Darrah said, back in the diary room, "and now it's clutterin' up the house. Ah didn't even know we had that much farwood in our backyard."

"More farwood?" Darrah asked, as Butch walked into the living room carrying a bundle of logs and tree branches.

"Let me tell ya'," said Butch, "this is some good stuff; it's the finest and driest firewood that you could find. We're gonna be nice and warm tonight."

He set the wood down on the couch before going outside to search for more.

"It don't make any sense, really," Darrah went on in the diary room, "we've got farwood everywhere: in the kitchen, in the livin' room, even the bathroom. It's gittin' out of hand.... Anyway, so that's Dirk, Linda, n' Butch, which leaves us with Alicia. Alicia.... she's always yellin' about somethin' or another; ah've neeee'er seen 'er in a good mood."

"Hey, Mia!" Alicia yelled later that evening. Mia was sitting at the kitchen table with Darrah.

Mia shook her head.

"What now, Alicia?"

"I wanted to talk to you about that last challenge."

"What about it?"

"Well, I had a problem with your attitude," Alicia said to Mia.

"My attitude?" Mia snorted. "What was wrong with it?"

"The whole time you were like, 'Anyone but Alicia!', 'Go Darrah! Beat Alicia!', 'Alicia can't win!' and I just thought that was rude!"

"Would you rather me be fake?" Mia asked, standing up from her seat. "I'm not gonna act all kissy and lovey dovey... I wanted you to go down hard at that challenge because you've been bitching at everybody this whole time."

"I've been bitching?" Alicia wagged her finger. "You need to look in the mirror, sweetheart."

"Why don't you go look in the mirror?" Mia yelled. "Flex your muscles in front of it like you always do." She rolled her eyes.

"You know what," Alicia told her, "maybe you could have some muscles if you weren't so lazy. I just have one last thing to say..."

"Good," Mia interrupted.

"Whether I'm voted off next or not," Alicia continued, "you'd better tone down your attitude or you won't go far in this game. I'm not the only one who's sick of you."

"That's bull–" Mia started to say, but then Alicia walked out of the room.

"Bitch," Mia muttered. "She just wants to have the last word."

"So a lot of people in this house have been gittin' on mah' nerves," Darrah said in the diary room. "So it'll be great to lock mah'self in the HOH bedroom and think about who ah'm gonna nominate. Ah've got a LOT to think about."

***

"Thanks for letting me come in here, D," Mia sprawled across the king size bed in the HOH bedroom.

"It's a lot to think about," Darrah told Mia. "It's gonna be a hard decision."

"What? The nominations?"

"Yeah."

"Dude, just get Alicia out," Mia laughed. "I can't stand that bitch anymore."

"Yeah, ah'm leanin' towards her."

"You know I'm on your side no matter what," Mia told Darrah, "but I'd love to see her out of here. I think everybody would."

"Who should ah' nominate with her?"

"What does it matter?" Mia laughed. "As long as Alicia is the one sent outta here."

"Ah' only have lahke an hour left to think about it."

***

The game was finally on. It was time for Darrah to make her nominations. In the hallway next to the HOH bedroom was a wall with pictures of the six members of Team Believe. Dangling from each picture was a key with that houseguest's name on it. Darrah slowly took each key down from the wall.

"There are three people ah might nominate tonaght," Darrah told the cameras. "Dirk. He's a nice guy n' stuff, but his flirtin' is kinda gittin' on mah' nerves. Butch. Ah do lahke him, but we cain't have all this farwood layin' around the house. And Alicia. Ah haven't gotten along with her at all so far."

Darrah put her own key around her neck and then made her way to the HOH bedroom. Under her king sized bed was a blue, circular box with six keyholes on top. She pulled it out and set it on her nightstand.

"Ah pulled out the nomination box and made mah' decision," Darrah said in the diary room. "The three keys ah put in the box are the people who are safe. The two ah leave out are nominated. It was a lot harder than ah thought it would be. Ah don't wanna send anyone home."

After placing the third and final key into the box, Darrah took the two keys of the people she was nominating and put them away in a bag. She breathed a nervous sigh.

"This is nerve wrackin'," she told the cameras.

***

Darrah's five fellow houseguests were on lockdown outside while she made her nominations.

"Everyone's feeling nervous," Mia whispered to the cameras. "I've told D to nominate Alicia, but in the end, it's her decision. I'm sure she'll make whatever decision is best for her."

"I'm not feelin' too comfortable right now," Butch told the cameras. "I think Darrah might see me as being a little bit bossy. And that wasn't my intention– I just needed a little bit of help getting more firewood."

Alicia paced back and forth across the area in front of the pool.

"I would have to be extremely naive if I thought that Darrah wasn't going to nominate me," she confessed, "because I know she's been tight with Mia since this game started. But who knows? Something at the last minute could change her mind. Any one of us is vulnerable at this point."

"I'm ready, ya'll," Darrah poked her head out the door. The houseguests sighed nervously before following Darrah to the dining room table.

"Okay," Darrah set the nomination box on the table as everyone sat down. "As ya'll know, one of mah' duties as Head of Household is to nominate two of ya'll for eviction. The three keys that git pulled out tonaght are the people that are safe; the other two are nominated."

Dirk gulped.

"Ah'll pull out the first key, and that person will pull out the next key and so on," Darrah explained, pulling the first key out of the box.

"Linda, you are safe," she revealed, handing the key to Linda.

"Thank yooooooooooooou!" Relieved, Linda put her key around her neck. Darrah passed her the nomination box.

"Mia," said Linda, pulling the key out of the second slot, "you are safe."

"Thanks, D," Mia put her key around her neck.

"I'll pull out the last key," she said, after Linda had passed her the nomination box.

Dirk bit his lip as Mia pulled out the final key.

"Dirk," Mia revealed, "you are safe."

She handed him his key and he placed it around his neck.

"Okay, so obviously, ah've nominated Alicia n' Butch," Darrah announced.

Butch slowly blew air out of his mouth. Alicia just sat there stoicly, a slight smirk on her face. She knew this was coming.

"Butch, ah nominated you because you're always tellin' me to gather farwood and you seem to get a little mad when ah tell you ah' don't wanna do it. Ah just don't think we need all that farwood."

Butch nodded.

"Alicia, you sure got a mouth on you," Darrah went on. "You haven't been gittin' along with anyone in the house, so ah have to nominate you as well."

"Well, how 'bout that," Alicia was a little offended.

"That's it," said Darrah. "This meetin' is adjourned. Now ah'm goin' to bed, ya'll."

"I knew this was comin'," Butch said in the diary room. "A few people have been having problems with Alicia, but if they're that mad about the firewood thing, they might say, 'let's get rid of Butch."

"Darrah said she was nominating me because I hadn't been getting along with anyone," Alicia spouted off to the cameras. "Then why didn't she nominate Mia? I've been a LOT less confrontational than Mia has been, so Darrah needs to save it."

"Good luck," Butch wished Alicia.

But Alicia didn't hear him. She stared straight ahead with an angry look on her face. She didn't want to be the first person voted out, and especially didn't want to be voted out by Mia and Darrah. Maybe the tide would turn; maybe she would find a way to stay in the game. But for now things were looking hopeless.

Day 3

"You know, I couldn't stop thinking about what Darrah said last night," Alicia said in the diary room. "I felt like she was extremely disrespectful– and she didn't need to be. I don't feel like I've disrespected ANYONE in this house, and she just didn't have to say that."

"How condescending was she last night?" Alicia asked Butch. The two nominees had gotten up early and were sitting at the breakfast table.

Butch just sat and listened.

"Darrah said I had a mouth on me," Alicia went on. "Hey, you know what, at least you can understand me."

"MmHmm," Butch nodded.

"And what was that about not getting along with anyone?" Alicia asked. "I've gotten along just fine with you, haven't I? The only people I've had any problem with have been Darrah and Mia– and that's because they started jumping down my throat before I even got to know them."

"Yeah," Butch muttered, as Alicia went on talking.

"Darrah thinks I'M not getting along with anyone, but look at her little buddy Mia. You'd think if she wanted to keep peace in the house, she'd kick off Mia, wouldn't you? Mia has Darrah in her back pocket. It's just–"

"I'll be right back, I gotta go to the bathroom," Butch got up from the table and left the room.

"Alicia is upset about bein' nominated by Darrah last night," Butch said in the diary room. "When she's upset it's a little hard to be around her. She just grumps around the house, and everybody has to hear her complain."

Alicia got up from the table and sulked her way to the living room without putting away her dishes. She threw herself onto the couch and glared up at the ceiling.

"Honey, are you okay?" Linda walked into the room.

"I'm just fabulous," Alicia answered.

"You look upset, sweetie," Linda disagreed. "What's wrong?"

Alicia just sat there scowling at Linda.

"I said I was okay," she muttered. "Can you please leave me alone?"

"I have kids, Alicia: I know these things. I can tell you're not okay. Come give me a hug."

When Alicia just shook her head and continued scowling, Linda walked over and stretched out her arms for a hug.

"Don't." Alicia mumbled. "Don't."

Alicia picked up a pillow from the couch and threw it at Linda before marching out of the room.

"Here I am trying to get some quiet time and Linda comes in wanting to hug me and find out what's wrong," Alicia told the cameras. "I don't want anybody touching me, I don't want anybody trying to comfort me, so I just told Linda to shove off. When I'm pissed off, I want to be left alone."

***

"You know, I think I can bring a lot to this team," Alicia said to Dirk later that day. "I'm certainly a lot stronger than Butch."

"Yeah, I know."

"I'm thinkin' about votin' for Butch tonight," Dirk said in the diary room. "The other team has Ethan and Heidi and a lot of strong, athletic people. It could be a mistake to get rid of Alicia this early."

Mia walked past the room and paused when she saw Dirk talking to Alicia.

"Hmm," she muttered to herself. "That's interesting."

"Right now I'm leanin' towards voting for you to stay," Dirk told Alicia, "but I still need to think about it a little bit, ya' know."

"Thanks, babe." Alicia smiled and walked away.

"So what were you talking to Alicia about?" Mia walked up to Dirk after Alicia had left.

"We were talking about keepin' her around," Dirk answered. "We might be able to use her muscle in some of these challenges, ya' know?"

"And are you really gonna do that?"

"Well, she might be stronger than Butch, you know what I'm sayin'?"

"No, I don't know what you're saying," Mia shook her head. "How is Alicia so great in the challenges? Those nasty muscles of hers are just for show."

"It's a hard decision."

"How is it even a decision?" Mia snorted. "Just get rid of Alicia."

Dirk just shrugged.

"I was surprised to hear Dirk say that he's thinking about keeping Alicia," Mia said in the diary room. "I hope to God he doesn't find her attractive. So Dirk might ruin it for all of us tonight. And I haven't gotten to know Linda well enough to know what she's thinking. But I'm still pretty confident that the vote's gonna be Alicia and we'll be seeing her walk out the front door tonight."

***

That night, the houseguests sat in nervous silence around the living room couch waiting for Jeff Probst to arrive.

"Sorry I'm late, guys," Jeff suddenly burst through the front door. "Welcome to your first Tribal Council." He took his seat in an armchair across from the six contestants.

"Hey, Jeff," Mia greeted.

"Big night," Jeff commented. "The first person will be voted out of this game, and it's gonna be Butch or it's gonna be Alicia. But before we get to the vote, let's get down to some questions."

Alicia nodded.

"Looking around here, I see a loootta firewood," Jeff observed. "It's coming out of the windows, it's all over the floor... What's going on here?"

"I've been collectin' that," Butch answered. "It's a lotta work, but I feel like it's very important. If it gets cold at night, we can make a big fire in the fireplace."

"Isn't that what heating systems are for?" Jeff asked.

"Well, it's more than just that," Butch explained. "It's a way for us to bond; we can all sit around the fireplace at night, roast marshmallows, and tell stories. And that'll help us come together for the challenges."

Mia rolled her eyes.

"Mia," Jeff asked, "do you agree? Is Butch's firewood gathering necessary? Is it appreciated by you guys?"

Mia shook her head and looked over at Butch.

"I don't get your obsession with gathering all this firewood. I know, for me, I can't walk two steps without tripping over five or six logs. I think it's completely ridiculous."

Butch shrugged.

"I don't really have a problem with it," Dirk offered his opinion. "I mean, there's nothin' else to do around here. Why not gather firewood?"

Mia held back a laugh.

"Okay," Jeff moved on to another topic, "only one of two people can go tonight. Darrah, why might Alicia be voted out?"

"Ummm, ah think Alicia has been causin' a few problems," Darrah told Jeff. "Her and Mia have been faghtin' a lot."

"Can I just say something?" Alicia interrupted. "It's not just me who's been having problems with Mia. I can think of several occasions where she's been confrontational with Butch and Dirk." Mia's eyes rolled inside her head as Alicia spoke. "I just try to be civil to her, but she's like a fly constantly buzzing in your ear. She's always picking fights with people." Mia's head rolled around in circles. "Take, for instance, Day One. We weren't even ten minutes into the game, and she was attacking me about an idea I came up with for our team name." Mia shook her head fiercely.

"Mia," Jeff noticed, "I see you shaking your head, rolling your eyes all over the place. It's like you're having a seizure."

Mia laughed.

"First of all," she fought back, "I have great relationships with everyone here– except for Alicia."

Alicia raised her eyebrows.

"The one instance Alicia brought up was when I told her that I didn't like the name she came up with, and I think that's complete bullshit. Your name sucked, what was I supposed to say? You–"

"It doesn't matter what you thought about the name," Alicia interrupted.

"Alicia, let Mia finish..." Jeff interfered. Alicia smirked and shook her head.

"I can think of numerous times when Darrah and I were just minding our own business," Mia went on, "and Alicia comes up to us yelling about our lack of 'work ethic.' And she's always swingin' her finger in our faces... She just treats us with absolutely no respect."

"I'd just like to say something," Linda butted in. "You two are a looooooooooot alike, and that's why you haven't been getting along."

"S'cuse me?" Alicia asked, defensively.

"That's bullshit," Mia muttered.

"It's true," Linda continued, "and if you would just understand that, you guys could be great friends. Something needs to change here, or we're never gonna win a challenge."

Mia rolled her eyes.

"Okay," said Jeff, "it's time to vote. But before we get to the vote, I would like to give Butch and Alicia each a chance to state their case. Convince these voters: why should you stay in this house? Butch, we'll start with you."

"Well," Butch addressed his fellow houseguests, "I don't wanna be the first one voted off. I feel like I've tried to motivate the team by bringing my banner and giving us our name... If I get voted out, I know it's because I've been collectin' all this firewood, but I'm only doing it for the good of the team."

"Alicia, state your case."

"Well," Alicia rubbed her hands together, "if you want to keep losing challenges, vote me off."

Mia looked into the cameras and shook her head, trying to hold back a laugh.

"Okay," Jeff said, "with that, it is time to vote. Darrah, our Head of Household, will not vote. Neither will Butch and Alicia, our two nominees. You will make your way to the diary room, where we've set up a voting station. Let's do this: Linda, you're up."

Linda rose from her seat and made her way to the diary room. She explained her vote to the cameras before placing it into the soup pot which served as a voting urn. Mia was next to vote. She picked up the pen and without hesitating, wrote down six letters.

"Alicia, I don't think I could stand another day living under the same roof as you. I hope I never see you again, and I'll talk to you soon."

She smirked as she placed her vote into the pot. She walked out of the diary room and made her way back to her seat. Dirk walked into the diary room to cast the final ballot. He thought for a while before writing down a name. He folded his vote, placed it into the pot, and took his seat.

"I'll go tally the votes," Jeff announced, making his way to the diary room.

Butch shook his head and pressed his lips together nervously. Alicia just sat still, her eyes staring dead ahead. And then finally, Jeff came back with the votes.

"Once the votes are read, the decision is final. The person voted out will have one minute to say goodbye, gather their belongings, and walk out the front door."

Butch took a deep breath.

"I'll read the votes."

Jeff pulled the first vote out of the soup pot and paused before revealing it.

"ALICIA," Jeff read a vote in Mia's large handwriting.

Alicia nodded.

"Second vote..." Jeff pulled out the next vote.

"Come on..." Mia thought to herself. "Please say Alicia." She knew that she had voted for Alicia, but what if Linda and Dirk had decided to keep her in? Dirk had been talking about voting for Butch, and Linda had given that whole speech about how they needed to learn to understand each other...

...But Mia's fears were allayed when Jeff flipped over the vote.

"ALICIA."

Mia smirked and looked over at Alicia.

"That's two, that's enough, you'll need to bring me your torch."

"All right," Alicia picked her duffel bag up from the floor before grabbing her torch and carrying it to Jeff.

"Alicia," Jeff lowered the snuffer, "the tribe has spoken."

"Good luck," Alicia wished her former teammates, "...you're gonna need it." She winked.

The houseguests got up from the couch and walked Alicia to the front door.

"No hard feelings, honey," Linda reached out to give Alicia a hug. "Are you gonna hug me this time?"

"It's all right!" Alicia laughed, returning the hug.

"You all right?" Dirk asked Alicia.

"I'm just fine, babe, thanks for asking," Alicia answered, giving him a hug. After hugging Dirk, she walked over to give one to Butch.

"Hey, good luck," Butch whispered.

"Thanks."

"Ah'm sorry," Darrah apologized, stretching her arms out to hug Alicia goodbye.

"It's okay, sweetheart," Alicia laughed, as she returned Darrah's hug. "No hard feelings."

Alicia turned and started making her way towards the door.

"Wait, Alicia," Mia walked up. "We're okay; no hard feelings, right?"

She reached out to give Alicia a hug.

"No thank you, honey," Alicia muttered, as she waved her finger.

"Alicia–"

"No. No. No. No."

"Fine then!"

Alicia slowly turned the knob and made her way out of the house.

"Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out!" Mia screamed, slamming the door. "Bitch."

Mia wore a huge smirk on her face as the five remaining members of Team Believe walked back to the sitting area.

"Three days in, and it's apparent that this team is off to a rough start," Jeff stated, once everybody had returned to their seats on the couch. "Maybe tonight's vote helped... One thing's for sure: you guys need to get your act together or I'll be seeing you here real soon."

Jeff let this sink in.

"Get a good night's sleep, guys. I'll be on my way."

Butch, Dirk, Darrah, Mia, and Linda remained seated, deep in thought, even minutes after Jeff had risen from his seat and made his way out the door. Was there really something to what Jeff had said? Would they keep losing to Team Slutty Vid? It would be embarrassing to be defeated by a team with a name like that... They would have to learn to come together as a team if they wanted to win; things weren't going to magically change just because Alicia was gone.

***

Alicia laughed as she walked into the studio in front of the two SurviviBrother houses.

"You can just drop your bag right there," Julie greeted. "How are you?"

"I'm just fine," Alicia shook hands with Julie, and the two sat down for an interview.

"First off," said Julie, "you gave everybody a hug except for Mia. What was that all about?"

"You know what," Alicia laughed. "I've never liked Mia; she's never liked me. We all knew that. And here she is trying to put her arm around me like we're suddenly friends now that I'm voted out? Give me a break. No, I wasn't going to hug her."

"You two really didn't like each other."

"No, we didn't," Alicia agreed. "I may dislike Mia even more than I do Kimmi... and that's saying a LOT."

"What was it that made it so hard for you two to get along?"

"I'm not really sure," Alicia answered. "Mia's just an extremely difficult person to get along with. First of all, she never did any work. And she was always going up to people and making up reasons to argue. I just didn't have as much patience for her as other people did."

"She likes to roll her eyes a lot, too," Julie added.

"Oh, God," Alicia groaned. "I wanted to POKE her eyeballs out every time I saw her do that."

Julie laughed.

"Well, one of the reasons you were chosen for this game is because of that famous finger. It got you in trouble the first time you played the game. Did you do any finger waggin' this time around?"

"Nobody will ever forget the finger!" Alicia laughed. "It follows me wherever I go. Yes, the finger did come out. I promised myself that I'd try to keep it in my pocket, but that's just not possible to do with someone like Mia around."

"Okay," Julie laughed. "Well, in the event that you were the one voted out, each of your houseguests taped a special goodbye message for you. Let's take a look."

"All right, bring it on."

Darrah: Alicia, ah' just wanted to say that even though we've had our differences, it's been nice playin' this game with you and gittin' to know you...

Dirk: Sorry, Alicia, had to do what was best for the team. But I thank the Lord for the person he created in you and for this opportunity I've had to get to know you. I'm sure He had a good reason for you to go tonight; I know He has a great plan for you... God bless.

Linda: You're an absolutely amazing woman, and I really enjoyed your company. But you were causing disharmony within the team, so you had to go. May the gods be with you.

Butch: Alicia, you're a great girl, very strong... I want to wish you very best...

Mia: Alicia, if you were voted out, all I have to say is good riddance. You were extremely condescending towards me and pretty much everyone here, and you were beginning to wear on the team... I can't stand you; I'm glad you're out.

"Surprised by Mia's comments?" Julie asked.

"Absolutely not. I wouldn't expect anything less from her."

"Well, before you go," Julie continued, "we have one last, *special* goodbye message for you, from the other team."

"Let's hear it."

Heidi: Hey Alicia, this is Heidi.

Jenna M: And this is her evil twin, Jenna.

Heidi: I guess if you're seeing this you know what the big twist is. We didn't get to play this game with you, but if we did, I know you would have been jealous of our cute bodies. So it's good that you left.

Jenna: You can't say that! Alicia's gonna hear this.

Heidi: Sorry. Anyway, good luck, Alicia and sorry you had to go.

Jenna: You have good abs.

Heidi: Bye!

"What was that all about?" Alicia asked, confused.

"Heidi and Jenna will be switching places every three days and pretending to be the same person," Julie informed her. "They haven't switched yet; tomorrow will be their first time."

"Nobody's gonna be stupid enough to fall for that," said Alicia.

"We'll see," Julie laughed. "Alicia, you didn't make it far enough to be part of our jury, but we'll still see you on Finale Night when we crown the *winner* of SurviviBrother."

"Thank you," Alicia shook hands with Julie again.

Julie stood up from her seat and faced the cameras.

"That's it for tonight. But stay tuned for the next episode when Heidi and Jenna switch places for the *first* time. Will any of the houseguests catch on? Find out next week on SurviviBrother."

Hey, thanks for the comments! The next episode will be posted on Saturday.

Next time on SurviviBrother...
Jenna continues her control of the kitchen...
Jenna L (to Tina): You poured WAY too much orange juice.
Jenna L (diary room): I have been a RAGING. BITCH. throughout this game... because I know I can be. I have the power.
Jenna: Hey, if you can't stand the heat, STAY OUT OF MY FUCKING KITCHEN!

...Heidi and Jenna switch places for the first time...
Heidi: What's up, Sticks?
Jenna M: Hey, Twigs. Let's do this.
Jenna M (diary room): Ethan doesn't even recognize me? What kind of boyfriend is he? That's when I was like, whoooah, we can actually pull this off.

...And a reward unlike no other.
Jeff: The winning house gets a concert from JoAnna Ward.
[Shocked looks from the houseguests]

Day 4

"That smells good." Ethan walked into the kitchen, where Jenna was stirring a pot of oatmeal.

"It's not for you," Jenna snapped.

"I thought you said you were cooking breakfast this morning?"

"I said I was cooking breakfast; I didn't say you could HAVE any!" Jenna laughed, as she continued stirring.

"I am STARVING," Helen walked into the room. She went over to the pantry and pulled out a bag of potato chips.

"WHOA, Helen, I don't think you can afford to eat that!" Jenna shouted. She took the bag away from her and put it back in the cabinet.

"What do you mean?" Helen asked.

"You need to watch your weight. And besides, if you eat that now, you won't be hungry for dinner."

"Dinner?" Helen asked. "What about breakfast?"

"Can't have any."

"Good mornin', ya'll," Tina said with a big smile. Jenna eyed her as she poured a glass of orange juice.

"You poured WAY too much," Jenna chided. "You'd better drink all that."

Tina and Helen looked over at each other and exchanged eye rolls.

"That was some video last night, wasn't it?" Jon danced into the room.

"Oh my God, yes," Jenna said, excitedly. "We'll need to watch it later this afternoon on my camcorder. Here, have some breakfast."

Jenna put some oatmeal on a spoon and fed it to Jon.

"This guy is a freak in bed," Jenna told Ethan, Tina, and Helen. "You can all watch the video later."

"No thanks," Tina said, uncomfortably.

Just then, Heidi entered the kitchen.

"Hey guys," she greeted. "I'm having peanut butter withdrawals."

She went over to the refrigerator and took out a bag of Reese's peanut butter cups.

"There aren't very many of those left," Jenna took the bag from her. "You might want to save them for later."

Jenna unwrapped and ate a peanut butter cup before putting the bag back in the refrigerator.

"Jenna Lewis definitely has a bossy side to her," Heidi told the viewers. "She knows that I *need* peanut butter and chocolate to *live*, but she won't let me have any. Jenna Morasca is the same way as me– she won't be able to handle it. Hopefully, when we switch places, I'll be sequestered somewhere where this is plenty of peanut butter and chocolate."

"Heidi, please enter the diary room," a voice called over the loudspeaker.

"Don't bash me too hard in there," Jenna joked.

"I'll try!" Heidi laughed. "I'll be right back, guys."

***

"What's up, Sticks?" Heidi walked into the diary room where she was reunited with her fellow Amazon stepsister, Jenna Morasca.

"Hey, Twigs," Jenna greeted. "Let's do this."

"When we make these switches," Heidi explained to the viewers, "we have five minutes to switch clothes and tell each other about any important events that happened in the house while the other was gone."

"You need to watch out for Jenna Lewis," Heidi explained. "Her strategy is to vote out the winners."

"That's not a strategy," said Jenna Morasca, as she slipped on Heidi's shirt.

"Ethan asked me for an alliance..." Heidi went on.

"Good."

"It's with him, Tina, and Helen to vote Jenna and Jon out. But I'm warning you: do not trust Helen. She's been giving me these dirty looks since before the game even started. She's obviously jealous of me. You know, since my body is so scrumptious, seductive, and stunning, and hers.....well... isn't."

"Don't hate us just because we have nice bodies," Jenna agreed.

"Totally."

"Do I look like you?" Jenna asked, after they had switched clothes.

"If I didn't know any better, I would say you were me."

"Okay, wish me luck," Jenna said nervously. She and Heidi exchanged a hug.

"You'll do great," Heidi encouraged her. "No one will notice a thing."

Jenna took a deep breath before walking out of the diary room.

"Here it goes..."

***

"When I walked out of the diary room, I just felt... weird," Jenna told the viewers. "I felt out of place. I just tried to hang back and not say anything, because I didn't want to give myself away."

"I'm gonna get something to eat," Jenna whispered to herself.

To get to the kitchen, she had to walk through the living room, where Ethan was sitting on the couch.

"Hey, Heidi," Ethan greeted, as Jenna walked past.

"Oh, hi, Ethan." Jenna's eyes grew big.

"Ethan doesn't even recognize me? What kind of boyfriend is he?" Jenna laughed in the diary room. "But that's when I was like, whoooah, we can actually pull this off. After that, I wasn't nervous anymore; I was just *ready* to punk some people."

Jenna walked into the kitchen, where the other Jenna was still cooking. She walked over to the cabinet and took out a package of Oreos.

"Hey, Jenna," Jenna Morasca greeted, not realizing that Jenna Lewis was eyeing her every move. She took a jar of peanut butter out of the refrigerator and opened it. She dipped an Oreo cookie into the peanut butter and held it up to her mouth. That's when she noticed that Jenna Lewis was staring her dead in the face.

"Jenna Lewis was just... staring at me," Jenna said to the cameras, "I was like, what? Do I have a pimple or something? Did I do something wrong? It was really creepy."

Jenna Lewis pointed at the jar of peanut butter and then at the refrigerator. Then, she pointed at the package of cookies and the cabinet. When Jenna M. didn't move, Jenna Lewis snatched the bag of cookies from her and shoved her out of the room.

"You KNOW better than that, Heidi!" she screamed. "How many times do I have to tell you? NO peanut butter!"

She slammed the door and locked it after throwing Jenna out.

"Then she tells me that I can't have any peanut butter," Jenna Morasca continued in the diary room. "Okay, it's on now. I'm sure we could be friends outside this game, but no one comes between me and my peanut butter and chocolate."

Jenna Morasca shook her head and took a seat on the living room couch, where Ethan was now joined by Tina and Helen.

"Hey, guys," Jenna greeted.

"Heidi, are you gettin' sick?" Tina asked. "Your voice sounds a bit hoarse."

"Yeah, I think I'm getting sick from not eating enough peanut butter."

Tina nodded.

"ETHAN!" Jenna Lewis bounced out of the kitchen. "I thought of an idea. Would you like to make a video with me?"

Jenna Morasca clenched her lips together.

"Sometimes it's hard to not say anything," she told the cameras, "but I gotta remember that I'm supposed to be Heidi. But if Ethan actually agreed to make that video, I'd have to step in and break somebody's face."

Jenna Lewis grabbed Ethan by the arm and started dragging him upstairs to her bedroom.

"I have a girlfriend, Jenna," Ethan broke free.

"Oh, come on, you wuss!" Jenna Lewis laughed. "It's just a harmless video!"

Ethan walked back to the sitting area.

"Jenna Morasca wouldn't care!" Jenna Lewis screamed. "Whatever. I'll just go make one with Jon."

"I think I'm doing a pretty good job so far at keeping my secret," Jenna Morasca said in the diary room. "I don't think anyone suspects a thing. I mean, how stupid are these people? I dye my hair blonde and everyone thinks I'm Heidi? I guess the two of us are a lot alike. I just have to know when to keep my mouth shut and when to speak up, and no one will catch on."

Team Believe

"Looks like we've got some mail," Butch opened the team's mailbox as Darrah watched. He took out a small envelope and ripped it open.

"With hours of singing, praise, and meditation; She truly is an inspiration; She never fails to praise with elation; About the Almighty Lord and His salvation; And for the winning team, she's here for your recreation."

Butch handed the envelope to Darrah.

"If someone's comin' over to our house, we gotta clean up some of that farwood," Darrah suggested.

"No, it'll be all right."

"We got some mail today about our reward challenge," Darrah said in the diary room. "It looks lahke someone maght be comin' over to our house– ah'm not sure who. From the clue, it looks lahke it could be some gospel singer. Ah don't care who it is-- ah want to wiyn. Havin' any new face around would be nahce."

***

"HALLELUJAH! OH GLOOOOOOOOOORY!" Both teams followed the sound of praising to an area in front of the two SurviviBrother houses... but when they got there, they saw only Jeff Probst, who did not appear to be praising.

"I'm sure you're wondering what's going on," Jeff addressed the eleven houseguests. "This is your first reward challenge, and the prize is definitely worth playing for..."

Mia smirked.

"...That's because the winning team gets a concert from JoAnna Ward."

The houseguests' mouths dropped open in excitement as JoAnna appeared from behind a tree.

"Hey, children," she greeted. "As ya'll probably know, since finishing Survivor, I've launched a record deal and have been selling millions of albums. For the winning team, I'll be performing a live concert tonight in your backyard."

Dirk was grinning from ear to ear.

"I will ask you trivia questions about myself," JoAnna explained. "One person from each team will answer at a time. Team Believe, since Team Slutty Vid– which is a sinful name by the way– has one more member than you, whoever goes first will also go last."

Linda nodded.

"Everyone ready?" JoAnna asked. "How 'bout a little praising before we start? HALLELUJAH! OH GLORY! HALLELUJAH! EMMANUEL!"

Dirk started drooling.

"Someone tell that mannish dyke to shut the fuck up," Jenna Lewis whispered to Jon.

"Hey, shut the fuck up, JoAnna!" Jon yelled.

"Oh no, you di'nt, child!" JoAnna shouted. "You can just talk to the damn Hand!"

JoAnna marched over towards Jon.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Jon hid behind Jenna Lewis.

"That's what I thought, child," JoAnna laughed. "Now let's get to the challenge. Who's going first?"

Linda and Tina raised their hands. They made their way to their respective podiums and each picked up a chalkboard.

"First question," JoAnna asked, "which God do I always praise, meditate, and shout to?"

The two women thought for a little bit before scribbling down their answers.

"Reveal," JoAnna directed.

Linda flipped over her chalkboard. "The sun goddess," she had written. JoAnna raised her eyebrow. Tina flipped her board over to reveal that she had simply written "God."

"Tina earns a point for Team Slutty Whatever-it's-called," JoAnna announced. "Linda, I hope that was a joke."

"Not at all." Linda was taken aback. "I figured you worshiped many gods; I just didn't know which one to write down! Shouldn't we both get a point?"

"You'll be having a talk with The Hand later," JoAnna shook her head. "I only worship the Most High El Elyon God, the Holy Jireh, El Shaddai, and He disapproves of worshiping false gods."

Linda simply shrugged. Darrah and Jon walked up to answer the next question.

"In Survivor: The Amazon, what did I bring as my luxury item?"

The former Pearl Islands castmates wrote down their answers.

"Let's see your answers," said JoAnna.

Darrah flipped over her chalkboard to reveal her answer: "A bundle of farwood." Jon flipped over his board and revealed that he had written "A dildo."

"You *REALLY* need to be baptized!" JoAnna yelled at Jon. Jon flashed his middle finger at JoAnna. "Okay, that's it. I'll be right back, children."

JoAnna grabbed Jon by the hair and dragged him to Team Slutty Vid's backyard.

"What are you doing?" Jon screamed.

"Baptizing you."

Holding onto his hair, she dunked his head into the pool and held it there. After about two minutes, she forcefully pulled his head out of the water.

"STOP! I'm sorry!" Jon screamed like a girl. "I won't do it anym–"

JoAnna cut him off by dunking him underwater again.

"This is for your own good."

After the baptism, JoAnna and Jon made their way back to the challenge area. Jon was in tears.

"Sorry about that," JoAnna apologized. "Right now, Slutty Vid has one point and Believe has zero. My luxury item was a picture of my mother. Now, let's get to the next question."

Jenna Lewis and Mia walked up to their podiums.

"Next question," JoAnna asked. "How many sinful videos have I filmed in my lifetime?"

"Maybe you're not so bad after all!" Jenna laughed as she wrote down her answer.

"Reveal," JoAnna directed after both women had answered.

"0," Mia had written.

"1,000,000" was Jenna's answer.

"The correct answer is, of course, zero," JoAnna informed them. "Mia ties it up for Team Believe."

"Aww, come ON!" Jenna was disgusted. "You haven't even made one video? You suck!"

"Do you want a baptism, too, child?" JoAnna asked her.

Jenna rolled her eyes before taking a seat with the rest of Team Slutty Vid. Butch and Jenna Morasca walked up to answer the next question.

"Here's the next question," JoAnna continued. "Name at least one person in this game who I find to be extremely sinful."

Butch and Jenna quickly wrote down their answers.

"Reveal."

Butch flipped his chalkboard over to reveal his answer of Jon. Jenna had written Heidi as her answer.

"Butch says Jon; Heidi says herself," JoAnna announced. "You're both correct. Jon has absolutely no respect for religion. Heidi: in the Amazon, you always talked about how you were 'younger, cuter, and had a better body' than me. Please, child. The only thing you have on me are those surgically enhanced boobs."

"Okay," Jenna nodded.

"Other correct answers could have been Jenna and Linda," JoAnna added. "Anyway, both teams are tied at two points each."

Dirk and Ethan walked up to their podiums to answer the fifth question.

"JoAnna, I love you," Dirk said, his voice shaking. "I have all your albums!"

"Why, thank you," said JoAnna. "Good luck at winning the concert."

"I'm gonna try my best," Dirk drooled. "I worship you!"

"Now, that's sinful," JoAnna shook her head. "You're only supposed to worship Emmanuel."

"Oh, I know, I didn't mean literally," Dirk spoke in a fast voice. "I just love you. You're even more beautiful in person."

Mia rolled her eyes and looked over at Darrah.

"Okay," JoAnna moved on to the question. "My most popular song is 'Hallelujah, Oh Glory, Hallelujah, Emmanuel'. I made the original song famous on Survivor: The Amazon. How many versions of this song have been released since then?"

Dirk had trouble writing down his answer because his hands were shaking too fast. Finally, both Dirk and Ethan had written their answers.

"Reveal."

"1," Ethan had guessed.

"10," Dirk answered with confidence.

"The correct answer is ten," JoAnna told them. "Dirk puts Team Believe in the lead with three points."

Dirk ran up and hugged JoAnna.

"Child, you gotta control yourself."

Linda and Helen walked up to their podiums to answer the final question.

"If Helen gets this right and Linda doesn't, we'll go to a tiebreaker," JoAnna explained. "Otherwise, Team Believe wins the concert."

Dirk clapped his hands together.

"Fill in the blank," JoAnna asked. "Every day, I have an hour of singing and praise and an hour of __________."

Both women confidently wrote down their answers.

"Let's see what you wrote."

"Talking to spirits," Linda flipped over her chalkboard.

"What rock have you been living under?" JoAnna asked, causing Linda's mouth to drop. "If Helen gets this right, we have a tie."

"Meditation," Helen flipped over her chalkboard to reveal her answer.

"Meditation is correct," JoAnna announced. "Helen ties up the score."

Helen clapped her hands together and squealed like a giddy schoolgirl.

"We will now move on to our tiebreaker question," JoAnna explained. "Each team needs to decide on a person who will answer."

"I'll go," Jenna Morasca volunteered for Team Slutty Vid. "I mean, my intelligence is one of two *biggest* assets."

"I thought they were your boobs," Jon sneered.

"Ah wanna do it," Darrah offered for Team Believe.

Jenna and Darrah walked up to their podiums and each picked up a chalkboard.

"I'm going to ask ya'll a question," JoAnna explained. "The answer will be a number. Whoever comes closest to the correct number without going over will win the concert for your team."

"You can do this, girly girl," Tina cheered Jenna on.

"You've got this, D," Mia encouraged Darrah.

Dirk was pacing around in circles.

"Since coming out of the womb, how many times have I praised?" JoAnna asked.

"I know this! I know this!" Dirk exclaimed.

"No cheating, child," JoAnna warned.

Dirk nervously began pulling his hair.

"Heck, ah dunno," Darrah muttered to herself. Dirk motioned to Darrah and started mouthing the answer, but she did not understand him. She wrote down the first thing that came to mind. Jenna Morasca pressed her lips together and thought before writing down her guess.

"Reveal," JoAnna directed.

"2 billion," Jenna had written.

"Farwood," Darrah had answered.

Dirk slapped himself in the face, causing him to fall over backwards.

"The correct number is... 348,192," JoAnna announced. "Heidi, you went over. Congratulations, Darrah, on winning the concert for your team."

Dirk ran over and hugged Darrah as hard as he could. He picked her up and started swinging her around.

"Great job, ya'll," JoAnna congratulated them. "I'll see you tonight for the big concert. Team Slutty Vid, I'm sure you're disappointed..."

"Oh, I'm not disappointed!" Jenna Lewis laughed. "Let's get away from this bitch, guys."

Team Slutty Vid turned and made their way back inside.

"Let's get ready for the concert," Mia suggested. Team Believe made their way back to their house, with the exception of Dirk, who stood there staring at JoAnna.

"Dude, come on," Mia dragged Dirk by the arm. "You're acting like you're brain dead."

JoAnna chuckled to herself and shook her head. Just then, Julie Chen walked out of the studio and joined JoAnna and Jeff in the front yard.

"Team Believe has just won a concert from JoAnna Ward, the singer and guidance counselor from Orangeburg, South Carolina," Julie smiled and looked into the camera. "The concert will take place in just a few hours. But first, let's check in on Team Believe as they prepare for the big event, and we'll see how Team Slutty Vid reacts to their loss. Stay with us."

Day 5

Team Slutty Vid

"After last night's video, I just feel recharged," Jenna Lewis explained to Tina. The two women were on their way outside to check the mail. "I can't WAIT for the immunity challenge!"

"That's great, Ginna."

Jenna opened the front door and ran outside, slamming the door in Tina's face.

"Well, she could trah' holdin' the door open for me!" Tina shook her head.

When Tina made her way outside, Jenna was already reading the mail.

"You know it's you or Ethan going home if we don't win today," Jenna said in a condescending tone.

"Ginna doesn't know yet," Tina said in the diary room, "but Ethan, Helen, Heidi, and ah have all agreed that if one of us gits HOH, Ginna and Jon are goin' up on the block. Ah just have to smile and listen to what Ginna says for now."

"Ah knew ah'd have a target on mah' back," Tina said with a friendly smile. "Ah just hope we wiyn. What does the mail say?"

"Well, it came with this purple flag," Jenna explained. "Let's go inside and read it to everybody."

"EEEEEEEK!" Jenna jumped up and down as she ran ahead of Tina.

"Ah just hope she cin use some of that energy to help us wiyn the challenge," Tina held her head back and laughed.

Team Believe

"Hide this flag so it can't be seen by the eye; 'Cuz the other team will be dropping by; The winners of this game of hide n' seek; Will be safe for at least one more week."

Butch finished reading the mail and passed the envelope around to the rest of his team.

"Where should we hide it, ya'll?" Dirk asked, holding the blue flag they had received in the mail.

"Well, we have a lot a' farwood," Darrah suggested. "If we hahde it somewhere under all that, they'd be searchin' for daaaaaaays."

"Dude, let's do it," Mia agreed. "They'd never find it. Jenna would get impatient and leave to have sex with Jon or something."

"I'll go hide it under my bed," Butch told them. "That's where a lot of the firewood is."

Dirk handed the flag to Butch.

"Oh my Zeus, I'm exhausted," Linda said with a big yawn.

"Maybe from being up praising to false gods all night?" Dirk asked.

"False?" Linda exclaimed. "Just look around you; I see at least ten gods and spirits just in this room! Take the blinders off! And I wasn't praising all night!"

"What*EEEEEEVER*, Linda!" Mia joined the conversation. "I got up to use the bathroom at 5 a.m. and you were *still* singing!"

"It was pretty loooooud, tew," Darrah added.

"Guys," Butch interrupted. "It doesn't matter how good our hidin' spot is; if we don't believe in ourselves and in each other, then we won't win. Follow me for a second."

The houseguests followed Butch to the front yard.

"Look," Butch pointed to his burned and tattered sign hanging outside the house. "What does that say?"

"Beli in You?" Mia asked.

"It used to say 'Believe in Yourself'," Butch laughed. "Are we forgetting our team motto? Now, we're gonna go out there, believe in ourselves, and take home the immunity idol. Let's put our hands in a circle."

Butch, Linda, Dirk, Mia, and Darrah put their fists in a circle.

"1...2....3.....BELIEVE!"

Mia shrugged and rolled her eyes.

"Butch gave this cheesy speech about how we need to start 'believing in ourselves' if we want to win," Mia said in a private interview. "I thought it was completely ridiculous and unnecessary. But I'm still extremely stoked about this challenge. I want the other team to know what it feels like to go to Tribal Council and lose a member... especially after the last reward where they crashed our concert. It's all-out war now."

***

"Welcome to today's immunity challenge," Jeff greeted, as both teams met in front of the two houses. "First things first: I need to take back that immunity idol."

"Careful, Jeff," Jenna Lewis handed over the idol. "You don't know where it's been."

Jon snickered.

"I don't think I want to know," Jeff said, grimacing. "Let's get to the challenge. You were both given a flag in your mailboxes this morning. You were told to hide it somewhere in your house."

Linda nodded.

"On my go, you will enter the opposing team's house and search for their flag. Some of you may wish to stay back at your own house and try to defend your flag from the other team. The first team to have a member find the flag and bring it back here wins immunity. Team Slutty Vid, you have one extra member. Who's sitting out?"

Jenna Morasca raised her hand.

"Heidi, you'll stay here with me. Everyone else, wait for my go."

The houseguests got themselves into a ready running position.

"Survivors ready?"

Mia took a deep breath.

"GO!"

The houseguests darted off in different directions.

"Two of us should stay behind!" Ethan shouted.

"I'll stay with you!" shrieked Jenna Lewis. "I don't want any of them raiding our fridge!"

Team Believe, on the other hand, didn't split up. All five of them ran as quickly as they could into Team Slutty Vid's house.

"Two different strategies!" Jeff commentated. "We'll see which one pays off!"

"Why did you sit out, Heidi?" Jeff asked, as soon as everyone else was out of sight. "They could have used your athletic ability and your intelligence!"

"Jeff!" Jenna Morasca laughed. "They're gone; you don't have to call me Heidi!"

"I forgot for a while that you weren't actually her. You're doing a great job so far."

"Thanks. Can you get me some peanut butter and chocolate to eat while they're doing the challenge?"

Team Slutty Vid's House

"I overheard Jenna saying that she didn't want us near the fridge," Mia whispered to Darrah.

"Ah bet they hiyd their flag iyn the kitchen."

The two women tiptoed to Team Slutty Vid's kitchen and made their way inside to see Jenna standing in front of the refrigerator. Her back was towards them.

"Get down," Mia whispered.

Mia and Darrah got on their hands and knees and crawled under the kitchen table.

"She ain't ne'er gonna move," Darrah whispered. "Ah'm gonna trahe pushin' her out of the way."

"That might be a challenge!" Mia laughed. "Her ass alone is like 200 pounds. Plus, I wouldn't touch her unless I was wearing gloves."

"Yeah, but we gotta wiyn immunity," said Darrah.

"How about this," Mia whispered. "I'll try to distract Jenna and get her away from the fridge. You'll open the fridge, grab the flag, and we'll make a run for it."

"'kay."

"Hey, Jenna!" Mia got up from under the table.

"What the hell are you doing in my kitchen?" Jenna asked, making her way towards Mia.

"I was just looking for the flag," Mia answered, "but I didn't have breakfast this morning. I may just grab something to eat."

Mia opened one of the cabinets and took out a box of cereal.

"Put that BACK!" Jenna screamed.

"Make me!" Mia taunted. Carrying the box, she ran out of the kitchen. "Come and get it!"

Jenna ran out of the kitchen in chase of Mia.

"Fahnally, Jenna left the room, n' ah immediately headed over to the refrigerator," Darrah said in the diary room later that day.

Darrah opened the refrigerator and didn't see a flag on first glance.

"Ah thought that maybe it was still in the fridge, but just well-hidden," she continued in the diary room. "So ah started lookin' insahde stuff."

She took a two-liter bottle of Pepsi out of the refrigerator.

"They could've put it in here," she said to herself. "That would be a good hahdin' spot."

She removed the cap to the bottle and dumped the entire bottle of Pepsi onto the floor.

"Ah guess it wasn't in there," she said, looking at the empty bottle.

She noticed a pot of chili on the top shelf of the refrigerator. On the pot was a piece of masking tape with a message written on it.

"Stay Away. For Jenna and Jon only."

"Hmmm," Darrah thought. "Maybe the flag is at the bottom of the pot."

Hurriedly, she dumped the contents of the pot onto the kitchen counter. When she didn't she a flag, she quickly threw the pot onto the ground.

"Ah'm gonna look in the freezer," she thought to herself. She took out a container of chocolate chip ice cream and took a bite before dumping it into the sink.

"Ah know it's *somewhere* iyn the kitchen," Darrah was frustrated.

She opened a cabinet and took out an opened bag of potato chips. Just as she was about to dump them onto the floor, Jenna walked into the room holding the box of cereal she had taken back from Mia.

"What are you DOING?" Jenna screamed.

"Lookin' for the flag."

"Oh my GOD!" Jenna yelled, looking around the room. "Look at all the food you wasted!"

"Ah'm sorry, Ah was just–"

"All you're doing is digging yourself into a deeper hole," Jenna cut her off. "Just get out."

"Wait, ah just wanna look in one more place...."

"Get OUT!" Jenna yelled, throwing a frying pan across the room. She almost hit Darrah smack in the middle of her face.

"When Jenna threw that frahin' pan at me," Darrah said in the diary room, "ah was scared for mah' laaaaaaaaaahfe."

Darrah ran out of the room as quickly as she could and found Mia in the laundry room, where she was talking to Ethan.

"We know it's in the kitchen," Mia yelled at Ethan.

"It's not..."

"That's bullshit, Ethan!" Mia screamed. "Then why did Jenna say she didn't want us anywhere near the fridge?"

"She trahed to kiyl me just now," Darrah told them.

"Dude, it's *so* in the kitchen," Mia said to Darrah. "That's why Jenna doesn't want us anywhere near there. It's pathetic that she would use violence as a way of keeping you from winning a challenge."

"Jenna's really just that bossy," Ethan explained. "She doesn't want any of us near the kitchen."

"Ethan said that Jenna really was that bossy and is always controlling the kitchen," Mia said in the diary room. "Knowing Jenna, I realized that could easily be true. So I stopped yelling at Ethan, and Darrah and I continued our search."

Team Believe's House

"Ah don't know what on Earth all this firewood is for," Tina laughed. Tina, Helen, and Jon were in the living room searching for Team Believe's flag among the piles of firewood.

"Maybe so they can roast marshmallows in the fireplace," Helen suggested. "That reminds me: my grandmother taught me a *great* marshmallow recipe. You need two tablespoons of gelatin, 1/4 cup of water, two cups of white sugar, one tablespoon of vanilla, two cups of cornstarch..."

"Someone needs to teach you a recipe for shut the fuck up casserole," Jon sneered.

"Oh, I have an excellent recipe for that!" Helen said, sarcastically. She rolled her eyes at Jon. "You need two cups of butter, a tablespoon of flour, three cups of tranquilizer..."

"With so many recipes, I'd think you'd have one to make yourself less ugly," Jon said with a smirk.

"Jon, you don't have to act lahke an ass all the tahme," Tina told him. "Ah know you just do it for the cameras."

"Well, I'm a media whore. Nothing wrong with that."

Just then, Jenna Lewis came running into the house.

"Hey, Jon!" she shrieked. "I think we have time to film a quick video! They'll never find our flag!"

"And you said *I* needed to shut up?" Helen asked Jon.

"You might want to leave the room," Jenna warned Tina and Helen, "unless, of course, you want to watch us make the video....or if you want to be in it!"

"They'd have to pay me for me to even think about fucking them," Jon sneered.

"Let's go look somewhere else, girly girl," Tina said to Helen. The two women walked out of the room.

"Ah am *so* sick of Ginna and Jon," Tina sighed in the diary room. "It's lahke everything they say just gits under mah' *skin*, and... Lord, forgive me for sayin' this, but they cin both go to hell."

Team Slutty Vid's House

"This is the only room we haven't looked in," said Butch. Butch, Linda, and Dirk were in their own group searching for the flag.

There was a sign on the door to the room that said "Vidmaking. Do not Disturb."

"Must be Jon and Jenna's room," said Butch.

Linda turned the doorknob and walked into the room.

"Oh my gods!" she gasped, looking around the room. Jenna and Jon were, of course, not in the room at the time, but there were a few things in the room which disturbed Linda.

Linda quickly left the room and slammed the door closed.

"What's wrong?" Butch asked.

"Well, I know Jenna and Jon definitely worship the goddess of porn," Linda told them. "That's all I'll say."

"I thought Jenna was a sweet girl with a lot of morals," Dirk said, confused.

"You did?" Mia asked, as she and Darrah walked up to them. "Even after she crashed our concert last night?"

Dirk shrugged.

"Dude, where the hell could this flag be?" Mia asked. "I cannot lose to Jenna."

"We've looked everywhere but this room, honey" Linda told her. "I'm too scared to go in there again."

Mia opened the door to Jenna and Jon's room and walked inside. There was a camcorder in the center of the room with a video playing.

"EEEEEEEEEK!" Jenna squealed in the video. "Oh my God, this is so good."

Mia picked up the camcorder and slammed it into a wall.

"Maybe the flag is in the bed somewhere," thought Mia. She tripped over a whip on her way to the bed.

"I don't even wanna touch those sheets," Mia said to herself, shuddering.

She squeamishly picked up Jenna and Jon's pillow to find Team Slutty Vid's purple flag laying there, neatly folded.

"I found it, guys!" she cheered.

"Great job, giiiiirl!" Dirk said, excitedly. He picked Mia up and gave her a tight hug.

"You just need to get back to Jeff," Linda whispered.

Team Believe's House

"That video was fun," Jenna told Jon, "but it was nowhere near as good as last night's. It was too quick. Let's go back to our house to guard the flag."

Jenna and Jon made their way to the front door and walked outside. They turned to see Mia, carrying a purple flag, doing a moonwalk out of Team Slutty Vid's house.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jenna screamed. She quickly ran back inside Team Believe's house, picked up a big log, and ran back out.

"Here, Jon," she said, handing him the log. "You can probably throw better than me. Hit Gollum with this log and knock her out."

Jon chucked the log across the yard, but it didn't land anywhere close to Mia. Mia stuck her tongue out at Jenna and Jon as she walked up to Jeff and handed him the flag.

"This challenge is over!" Jeff announced. "Team Believe wins immunity!"

"WHOOOO! YES!" Mia screamed, pumping her fist in the air.

"Classless bitch," Jenna Lewis muttered.

The rest of the houseguests walked outside and joined the others. Mia's team lifted her off the ground and bounced her up and down. Mia looked over at Jenna and smirked, causing Jenna to shoot her an evil glare.

"Nice job, guys," Jeff addressed Team Believe after they had set Mia back down. "You're safe from the vote." He handed Mia the blue and green immunity idol.

"WHOOO!" Mia smirked as she raised her arms in the air and waved the idol around.

"Team Slutty Vid, I'll be visiting you tomorrow night for Tribal Council," Jeff addressed the losing team. "One of you will be going home. This evening, you'll compete in another competition, where one of you will win Head of Household. The HOH will nominate two people for eviction, and one of them will be going home. Good luck; you can head back home."

The members of Team Believe lined up and danced back to their house, with Mia leading the way.

"Jon and I had sex on your couch!" screamed Jenna Lewis.

Cackling, she bounced back inside Team Slutty Vid's two-story, purple home, with Jon following behind. The rest of their team stayed outside awhile after everyone else had left.

"It's okay," Tina assured them. "We cin still git Head a' Household."

The four teammates put their hands together before turning around and slowly walking back inside.

Team Believe

"The sun gods are smiiiiiiling down on us," Linda cheered, looking up at the sky. The five members of Team Believe were relaxing outside in their backyard.

"See what you can accomplish if you believe in yourselves?" Butch asked them. He was grinning from ear to ear.

"We certainly diiiiiid believe in ourselves," Linda agreed. "Let's keep that team spirit."

"Dude, I just hope they get rid of Jenna," Mia laughed. "I can't *stand* that bitch."

"Ah hope so, tew," Darrah agreed.

"Today was like the first day since... forever where we've all gotten along and just enjoyed each other's company," Mia confessed in the diary room. "I felt like I brought one home for the team today, so I'm feelin' pretty good about myself. We're a pretty strong team, and... we're never goin' back to Tribal Council again." She winked at the cameras.

"Damn, Darrah," Dirk said, looking over at his teammate, "you're lookin' goooooooood in that yellow bikini. Mia, you're lookin' fiiiiine as well."

Mia snorted and rolled her eyes. She shrugged her shoulders and turned on her stomach to catch more rays.

Team Slutty Vid

"Ethan was supposed to be on guard, and he didn't even notice Mia escaping with our flag," Jenna Lewis complained. Jenna and Jon were sitting in the living room. "He's so going home."

"Even though we lost the immunity challenge today, I'm not too worried," Jenna said in the diary room. "Ethan and Tina are the targets because they've already *won* this game. Unless one of them gets Head of Household, Jon and I don't have to worry. We're just gonna relax until it's time for the challenge."

"So how many Survivors have you been with?" Jon asked, turning the topic of the conversation to sex.

"Oh my God, soooooo many." Jenna started counting on her fingers and toes. "There was Gervase and Sean back in the day; Ethan– he tries to forget it ever happened... but I have video evidence; yooooooooou, of course; Burton; I maaaaaaay have done it with Boston Rob, but I was too drunk to remember..."

"What about Rupert?" Jon asked.

"He's on my to-do list," Jenna giggled. "I wonder if he roars in the bedroom?"

"He does," Jon assured Jenna. "Trust me."

"Yooooooou would know," Jenna laughed. "Ooooo, oooo, I had a dream last night that it was Christmas time and we were filming an XXX-mas video. Rupert was Santa; I was sitting in his lap and he asked, 'What do you want for Christmas, little girl?' and I'm like 'You knooooooooooow what *I* want, Santa."

Jon smirked as he listened to Jenna's story.

"So then he checked his list to see if I had been naughty or nice, and of *course* I was on the *naughty* list!" Jenna continued. "After that, it got reeeeeally hot. You were in it, of course, Jon. You were a *naughty* elf."

"Remember that one Survivor finale?" Jon asked. "I asked Eliza if I could take a picture with her, and while we were taking it, I stuck my hand up her skirt and grabbed her ass. She swung her fist and punched me right between the eyes."

"Oh my God, what a PRUDE!" Jenna exclaimed. "Oooo, I have my own story from that finale party. I was doing it with Burton on the sink of the women's bathroom, okay? Then Shii Ann walks in and calls me a skank."

"Fuck her."

"Yeah, she's a whore."

"I asked Ami if I could have a threesome with her and her girlfriend," Jon told another story. "She asked why she would want to do that, and I told her, 'because your dick is bigger than mine."

"Well, that's probably true," Jenna laughed, "because you're only one inch."

"Hey, I know how to use it."

"Well, thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat's true!" Jenna shrieked. "I feel another video coming on!"

Shrieking, they bounced upstairs to their bedroom and locked the door.

***

"I've had it up to HERE with Jon and Jenna," Helen said in the diary room. "It's always about Sex. And Drugs. And Partying. with them. That's IT. I have NOTHING in common with either of them. The person I relate to the most is Tina. She's the closest to my age; we're both Christian women; we both have families. Thank God she's here, because otherwise I would be going INSANE."

"Ah swear, all they e'er talk about is sex!" Tina was in the laundry room talking with Helen.

"I know. I know." Helen shook her head as she folded a pair of jeans.

"You know Jon's never gotten any," Tina laughed. "Who would want him?"

"Well, I guess Jenna and him have something going on."

"Which is absolutely *disgustin'*."

"We can't let them win Head of Household today," said Helen.

"Ah know," Tina agreed. "Ah *fully* trust you, I know Ethan's good with his word, and ah trust Heidi, too. It's just a matter of beatin' Ginna and Jon."

"Ethan's a great guy; I trust him," Helen agreed. "At first, I didn't really trust Heidi– I thought she was fake– but these last few days, I've really been getting along with her. She's like a completely different person; maybe I was wrong about her."

"Ah really lahke Heidi," Tina agreed. "We have four people on our sahde, n' they only have two. We're a strong team n' ah know we cin win it. Let's just say a quick prayer before the challenge."

Tina and Helen held hands and bowed their heads.

"I want to win HOH so bad that I can TASTE it," Helen said in the diary room. "I want to put Jenna and Jon in those nomination chairs, and I want to see them turn on each other. Since the moment this game began, they have done nothing but treat us with absolutely ZERO respect."

***

"There's a lot riding on this competition for me," Ethan told the diary room. "My team could win, and I could make it far in this game, or Jenna and Jon could get it, and I'm walking out the door."

"You might not even want to try at the challenge today," Jenna Lewis told Ethan. She walked into one of the bedrooms, where Ethan and Jenna Morasca were having a conversation.

"You're a winner," Jenna continued. "Why not give a chance to the people who HAVEN'T *won* this game already? If I were you, I would either quit the game or just let someone else win and get rid of you."

Jenna Lewis smirked before leaving the room.

"I just want to beat her so bad to just, like, shut her up," said Jenna Morasca, turning to Ethan.

"We will. Don't worry."

"I mean, what kind of competition could she win, anyway?" Jenna laughed.

"You never know; it could be some kind of video challenge," Ethan joked.

"Yeah, right," laughed Jenna. "Let's get ready for the challenge. She's not gonna win."

Day 6

Jenna Lewis yawned and rubbed her eyes. Rolling over, she turned to face Jon.

"I just had the sickest dream," she laughed, shaking Jon. "I was stabbing Tina with one of the HOH keys... She was *SCREAMING* for dear life. Ethan came over and tried to stop me, so I punched him in the face and then pulled out his heart. I could feel it *pulsing* in my hands. He was *BEGGING* for mercy and I couldn't stop laughing. Finally, I *SQUISHED* his heart in the palm of my hand... and then I woke up!"

"I just farted in the sheets," Jon told Jenna.

"Oh my GOD, you're *gross*." Jenna picked her remote control off of the floor and turned on the spy screen. She set it so she could view the kitchen, which was now empty.

"We gotta decide who's leaving," she said, turning to Jon.

"Well, if Ethan left, I'd be the strongest guy left on the team–" Jon started to say.

"And the only guy," Jenna cut him off.

"Well, I'd be the most physical player left..."

"You forgot the fact that you're smaller than most of the girls," Jenna laughed. "...I'm kidding."

"Basically, we should vote Ethan off if we want a better chance at getting HOH," Jon strategized, "but we should keep him if we want to win immunity."

"I don't think he's even that good of a player in challenges," Jenna added. "In the immunity challenge yesterday, he let Mia get away with no trouble. And in the first challenge– when I was underwater– I thought he took waaaaaaaaaaay too long to untie me."

"Yeah," Jon nodded in agreement.

"If we lose, I just don't want a winner getting HOH... or anyone but us for that matter. I know I *OWNED* Tina in the HOH competition. Ethan did a bit better than her."

"Plus, I want to be the male winner of this game," Jon added.

"The HOH doesn't get a vote," Jenna Lewis said in the diary room, "so the decision is really up to Jon. I'll be okay with whateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeever he decides, because Tina and Ethan *both* need to go. I don't want to reward someone who already has a million dollars when we all could *REALLY* use the money."

Jenna looked at the spy screen to see Tina walking into the kitchen and taking a carton of eggs out of the refrigerator.

"What is she doing?" Jenna shrieked. "After Darrah dumped out our food, we need to ration even more than ever. I'm gonna go stop her, Jon."

Jenna hopped off the bed and darted out of the room, running faster than Scout during an immunity challenge.

***

"Do I have your vote to stay, Heidi?" Ethan asked as the two teammates sat outside by the pool.

"Yes," Jenna promised. "You can trust your own girlfriend.....'s best friend."

"All right," said Ethan.

"I didn't want to suck up to Jenna or Jon to try to get a vote," Ethan said in the diary room, "because I want to play the game my way. I talked to Heidi instead, and she says she's keeping me. Great. I just need one more vote and I'm set."

"I will do *everything* in my power to keep Ethan in the game," Jenna Morasca told the cameras, "except... do perverted things with Jon." She laughed. "But I'm going to talk to him and see where his head is at. Ethan is a strooong member of our team and he shouldn't be the one going."

Jenna M. walked inside the house to search for Jon. Jenna Lewis passed her on her way to kitchen and nearly crashed into her.

"EEEEEEEK! Sorry!" she squealed. "I have to stop Tina!"

"Do you know where Jon is?"

"He's in the HOH bedroom."

"You weren't in the middle of a video or something, were you? I mean, is it safe to go in there? I need to talk to him."

"Sure, go ahead."

Jenna Morasca walked upstairs to the Head of Household bedroom and turned the doorknob. Jon quickly covered up the spy screen when he saw her enter.

"Hey, Jon."

"You came to give me that blow job?" Jon asked, turning on his Jonny Fairplay persona.

Jenna rolled her eyes.

"We need to talk about the vote," Jenna explained. "I want to have, like, a serious conversation."

"One time I called my grandparents while they were having sex," Jon told Jenna, "and my grandpa picked up the phone. I was like..."

"Jon..."

"Okay, what do you want to talk about?"

"Well," Jenna went on, "I think it would be a mistake to get rid of Ethan. He's really the only athlete we have. I mean, no offense."

"None taken."

"And I know he's one hundred percent true to his word; he would never screw us over. I just think he's more valuable than Tina."

"And why are you talking to me instead of someone else?" Jon asked.

"You and Jenna are the two people I want to stick with," Jenna lied. "I know that Ethan and Tina have already won, so they'll need to go eventually, and Helen is waay too jealous of my body. She's going to come after me."

"Helen's hot," Jon sneered. "I've rubbed a few out to her. Just kidding. Someone needs to drop kick him in the nuts."

"Okay," Jenna nodded. "Nice talking to you."

"Jon's just obnoxious," Jenna Morasca said in the diary room, "but you can't really get mad at him or be offended by anything that he says, because... he's just Fairplay. You have to laugh at him."

Jenna walked out of the room and made her way to the living room to watch Animal Planet.

"Heidi wants to keep Ethan because her strategy is to manipulate the men," Jon explained to the cameras, "but Heidi seems a bit prudish to me. I tried to grab her boobs once and she wouldn't let me. I couldn't give a fuck about what she or anyone else has to say. I'm the deciding factor tonight and I love it. I'm gonna have some fun with this."

"I'm voting for Tina tonight," Jenna Morasca said in the diary room. "I know that Tina and Helen are pretty close, so Jon, unfortunately, gets to decide what happens. I don't know what he's gonna do, but if Ethan gets voted out tonight, I will be *livid*."

***

The six members of Team Slutty Vid, about to be down to five, sat in the living room as they waited for Jeff to arrive for Tribal Council. Tina and Ethan were each sitting in a special, blue nomination chair, while everyone was seated on one of the two purple couches.

"How are you guys doing?" Jeff asked, as he walked through the front door and made himself comfortable in an armchair.

"*I'm* doing great, but I'm sure Tina and Ethan are worried!" laughed Jenna Lewis.

"Tonight, one of the two nominees will be voted out of this game," Jeff explained, "but before we get to the vote, a lot has happened over these past three days." He turned his attention to Jenna Morasca. "Jenna, you had a chance to win a concert from JoAnna Ward. You haaaad to have been disappointed that you didn't win that."

"Fuck," Jeff mouthed, realizing that he should have referred to her as Heidi.

"You're asking me if I was disappointed?" laughed Jenna Lewis. She got on the floor and began rolling in laughter. "No way in hell. JoAnna sounds like a broken record singing the saaaaaame thing over and over again. But me and you had some fun, right, Jon?"

Jon smirked.

"Jon, what is she referring to?" Jeff asked, thankful that no one had caught his mistake.

"Wait," said Jon. "Let me go get a beer."

"Bring me one!" Jenna shrieked.

Jon ran to the kitchen and came back with eight bottles of beer. He passed four of them to Jenna Lewis and the two began drinking.

"Hopefully Jeff won't take advantage of me while I'm drunk!" Jenna squealed. Helen rolled her eyes and looked over at Tina.

"Can someone answer my last question?" Jeff asked in an agitated tone. Ethan spoke up to answer.

"Jenna and Jon went over to Team Believe's yard to crash their concert. We were all happy about that because it was the only time we had to finally get away from them."

"And we reeeeeeeally pissed off that Mia bitch!" Jenna laughed, blowing beer out of her nose.

"So," Jeff continued, "we get to the immunity challenge; you guys lose. Then, Jenna wins the HOH competition. Jenna, I have to say you put on quite a celebration."

"Yeah, I did," Jenna agreed. "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" She walked over to Jeff and began rubbing her fingers through his hair. Jeff uncomfortably got out of his seat and stepped away from Jenna before continuing the Tribal Council.

"Tina and Ethan are nominated," Jeff went on. "The one thing you both have in common is that you've both won this game already. Ethan, do you think that's the reason why Jenna put you up?"

"I know it is," Ethan answered. "It's the only reason."

"And is that fair?" Jeff asked.

"I don't think so," Ethan told Jeff. "It had nothing to do with strategy; it was just the fact that I've won and she thinks that I shouldn't be here. I mean, if you win a game of Checkers, are you never allowed to play again in your life just because you've won already? And if you do play, you shouldn't try to win?"

"THIS. ISN'T. CHECKERS." Jenna Lewis yelled at the top of her lungs, causing Ethan's ears to ring. "Just for the fact that there's a MILLION dollars on the line. It's easy to think of it as JUST a GAME when you have a bank account with a million dollars in it."

"Well, I have my own charity," Ethan explained. "Every penny I won would go to that..."

"Some of us NEED the money!" Jenna yelled, spilling beer on her lap. "We have bills to pay, families to take care of, porn companies to start... And you would just use the money for extra stuff."

Tina and Jenna Morasca looked at each other, rolling their eyes.

"Jenna, judging from the faces of your teammates, I'd say you're losing quite a bit of respect," Jeff commented.

"I don't care!" Jenna snapped. "If I win a million dollars, I can BUY people's respect– something that Ethan and Tina can already AFFORD to do!"

"Can ah just say somethin'?" Tina asked Jeff.

"Floor's yours."

"Ah know we maght disagree about winners bein' here," Tina turned to Jenna, "but, mah' GOD, this is a GAME! Just because you want us out doesn't mean you have to be so rude to us!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Jenna rolled her eyes before taking another gulp of beer.

"What exactly has Jenna said to you guys?" Jeff asked.

"It's both Ginna *and* Jon," Tina told Jeff. "They've been yellin' at us for six days now, tellin' us that we don't deserve to be here. Jon has just made some obscene comments towards the women here..."

Jon smirked and flashed his "Jonny Fairplay" hand signs.

"...And Ginna has been extremely rude to us, tellin' us to stay away from the kitchen."

"You'd damned well better stay away from the kitchen," Jenna told her.

Tina sighed to herself and shook her head. Jenna Morasca just sat in her seat and tried to keep her mouth shut.

"Let's get to the vote," Jeff said, exasperated. "Before we vote, I'd like to give Ethan and Tina each a chance to state their case. Why should you not be voted out tonight. Tina, we'll start with you."

"Ah don't really know whah' ah deserve to stay over Ethan," Tina addressed the fractured Team Slutty Vid. "Just vote your hearts tonaght. If ah get voted out, ah wanna say that this has been a great experience. Ah've enjoyed gettin' to know all ya'll, even Ginna and Jon. But ah'd like to see the maturity of some of you raised up a notch."

"Self righteous bitch," Jon muttered.

"Ethan," asked Jeff, "what would you like to say?"

"Well, in line with what Tina said, I can't say I deserve to stay more than her. But, you know, I don't want to leave yet and I think I can still help this team; but I guess since I'm a winner..."

"Then you should get the hell off our playing field?" Jenna finished his sentence.

"Right," Ethan said sarcastically. "I mean, my fate is in you guys' hands right now, so we'll see what happens."

Ethan pressed his lips together and shifted his mouth to the side.

"Okay," said Jeff, "it's time to vote. Jenna, our Head of Household, will not vote. Our two nominees– Ethan and Tina– also will not vote. The rest of you three will go one by one into the diary room where we've set up a voting booth. It's time to vote; Heidi, start us off."

Jenna Morasca rose from her seat and made her way into the diary room. She picked up the voting pen and slowly wrote down Tina's name.

"Tina, you don't deserve to go. I wish you and your family the best of luck; I love you and I'll see you soon."

She frowned as she folded her ballot and placed it in the soup pot which served as a voting urn. After she made it back to her seat, Helen walked up to the voting booth. She wrote five letters down on her ballot before holding it up to the cameras.

"Great guy," she said, holding up her vote against Ethan. "Sorry, mate."

She folded her vote and threw into the soup pot.

"I would PAY to see Jenna's world crumble next week," she added before walking back to her seat. Jon set down his bottle of beer before dancing up to the voting booth and quickly scribbling down a name.

"Macho madness lives forever!" he grunted. He held up his vote while sticking out his middle finger. "Ohhh yeah, dig it!"

He mooned the cameras before walking back to the seating area.

"I'll go tally the votes," Jeff announced. He headed to the diary room. Tina took a nervous sigh and held onto Ethan's hand.

"Good luck," she whispered.

"Whatever happens, happens," Ethan sighed.

Jeff walked back with the soup pot and addressed the six members of Team Slutty Vid.

"Once the votes are read, the decision is final. The person voted out will have one minute to say goodbye, gather their belongings, and walk out the front door."

"Which means you have to get the HELL out of here as soon as he reads your name!" Jenna Lewis shrieked. Helen rolled her eyes.

"I'll read the votes," Jeff continued, ignoring Jenna. He pulled the first vote out of the soup pot and unfolded it.

"ETHAN," Jeff revealed a vote in Helen's handwriting.

Jenna Morasca shook her head nervously and rubbed her hand through her newly blonde hair.

"TINA," Jeff read the next vote.

Tina smiled and squeezed Ethan's hand.

"Last vote..."

Jon made peace signs with both hands, crossed his arms, and waved them around.

"Second person voted out of the SurviviBrother house..."

Jenna Morasca bit her lip. It sucked to say that she hoped to see her friend Tina's name, but she didn't want her boyfriend to leave the game. She nervously looked at the vote, but when Jeff finally flipped over the ballot, her heart dropped.

"ETHAN. FU 420," Jeff revealed the ballot which Jon had scribbled over.

"You'll need to bring me your torch," Jeff addressed the former winner.

"All right," Ethan hugged Tina and kissed her on the top of her head before hopping up from his seat. He reached for his torch and carried it over to Jeff.

"Ethan," Jeff lowered the snuffer, "the tribe has spoken."

Ethan grimaced as his torch was put out. He picked up his bag and went to say goodbye to each houseguest.

"Good luck," he said, hugging Jon. Jon pushed him away.

"Sorry, buddy," said Helen, getting up from her seat.

"It's okay," Ethan whispered, giving Helen a hug.

Jenna Morasca got up from her seat on the couch, a solemn look on her face.

"Don't worry," Ethan pulled her in for a tight hug. "I get to get out of this madhouse."

After a while, Ethan tried to let go, but Jenna squeezed him in an ever tighter hug.

"Oh, sorry," she said, embarrassed.

After the long hug with his girlfriend ended, Ethan went over to hug Jenna Lewis.

"Just go AWAY!" Jenna L. shrieked. "We voted you OUT because we don't WANT you here. Jeff said you only had ONE minute to leave!"

Ethan shrugged his shoulders.

"You're a GREAT guy," Jenna went on, "but you're a WINNER. NO ONE wants you here."

Jenna Morasca shook her head.

"All right," Ethan headed towards the door. "Play hard, sleep tight, and... don't let the bed bugs bite."

"Just GO!" Jenna Lewis screamed, losing her patience. She threw her empty beer bottle in Ethan's direction. Ethan opened the front door and walked out before the bottle could hit him. When the door had swung closed, Jeff addressed the five remaining members of Team Slutty Vid.

"Well, when I visited Team Believe, I thought they had issues... but you guys are the most dysfunctional family I've ever come across. It's obvious that you guys ain't gettin' along; you need to figure something out, because I can promise you one thing: with this kind of team morale, not one of you is going to win this game."

Jenna Lewis suppressed a laugh.

"Twenty-four days left, guys," Jeff reminded them. "I'll be on my way."

As Jeff was making his way out the door, Jenna Lewis ran after him.

"Maybe we could make a video before you go!" she shouted.

Jeff ran outside, slamming the door behind him.

"What a wuss," Jenna laughed, walking over to hug Jon.

"We did it," she cheered. "I mean, I love Ethan, but he had no right to even be in this game. Soo glad he's gone."

Jenna Morasca sat back and shook her head. She was out for blood now.

***

Trying to keep a smile on his face, Ethan walked into the studio in front of the two SurviviBrother houses.

"That bag looks heavy; you can drop it right there," Julie Chen said on cue.

Ethan set his bag down on the floor and Julie reached out her arm for a handshake.

"So sorry you had to go," she said, shaking his hand. "Please have a seat."

Ethan and Julie sat down for an interview.

"Now, you won Survivor: Africa," Julie started off. "Then, this time, you're out fairly early. Why do you think you're sitting here right now?"

"Well, I pretty much knew I was screwed as soon as Jenna won Head of Household," Ethan answered. "We had a talk on Day One, and she told Tina and me, you know, basically that we shouldn't even be able to compete again because we're winners."

"She did seem to have a lot of anger towards you two," Julie agreed, "but do you think targeting you guys may have been justified? I mean, you had won the game already; that could be a threat."

"Well, I would understand if it was 'you guys are strong players; you've won already so I see you as a threat'," Ethan explained, "or even if she was just targeting us because she had to target somebody. But she had no strategic reason at all– she was just pissed off at us for winning."

Julie gave a robotic nod.

"Now, were you surprised that they chose to evict you rather than Tina?" she asked. "I mean, they could use your strength in some of the competitions."

"I thought I might have a chance," Ethan answered, "but I pretty much knew. Jenna had been telling me for days that I had no shot. And last night, she said if I kissed her ass, she *might* keep me around a few more days. I was like, 'Thanks, Jenna. Thanks for granting me that wish; that's so nice of you'."

"Knowing that the winners would be targets, why did you decide to play this game?"

"Well, I can never turn down a chance to compete. If I somehow managed to win again, the money was gonna go to my charity: Grassroot Soccer. Jenna says she needs the money to start some big porn career; she thinks she's gonna be... America's next top porn star."

Julie laughed before asking her next question.

"Now that you've been evicted, who are you rooting for?"

"Heidi and Tina. And Helen," Ethan answered. "I mean, Jenna and Jon, too; if they're able to make it, good for them."

"Okay," said Julie. "Well, in the event that you were evicted, each of your houseguests taped a special goodbye message for you. Let's listen to what they had to say."

"All right."

Helen: You're an upstanding guy and an *amazing* player, and I am SO. SORRY that we weren't able to send Jenna or Jon home. Before I go, I want to leave you with my coconut cream pie recipe. First of all, you need one cup of white sugar, one cup of flaked coconut, a half cup of all-purpose flour...

Julie laughed and fast forwarded to the next message.

Tina: Ethan, you are just a great guy, and ah wish we could've made it all the way to the end together. Whenever you get home, you need to thank your mother for raisin' you so well, okay? Ah love you, Ethan, and ah'll talk to you soon.

Jon: You're the poor man's Jonny Fairplay.

Jenna L: Ethan, you were a very valuable member of our team... but you were also a *winner*. There's no way *any* of us could live with ourselves if we allowed a winner to make it to the end again.

"What do you think?" Julie asked Ethan.

"I mean, I hope my team does well," Ethan replied, "but Jenna just bugs me. I wish I was still in there competing."

"Well, before we let you go, we have one last, *special* goodbye message for you."

"All right. Sounds good."

Heidi: Hi, Ethan. This is Heidi.

Jenna M (laughing): And this is Heidi version 2.0.

Ethan's mouth dropped open.

Heidi: I guess if you're watching this, you know the big twist...

Jenna M: Ta-da!

Heidi: You're just an awesome guy and an amazing competitor, and it sucks so bad that you were the one to go.

Jenna M: I fought so hard to keep you in the game. Don't worry; I'm gonna kick some butt and get revenge for you. Jenna Lewis is going dooooown.

Heidi: She really is bossy. The great thing about being in sequester is that I can eat as much as I want now!

Jenna M: Love you, Ethan. Bye.

"Wow," Ethan shook his head, in shock, a big grin on his face. "So which one is in the house now?"

"Jenna," Julie answered. "She and Heidi are switching places every three days. If they can make it past Day Fifteen without being caught or evicted, they will be allowed to play the game together at the *same* time."

"Oh my God," Ethan put his hands on his head.

"That's your girlfriend," Julie laughed.

"I know! I just hope she does well. I'll be rootin' for her all the way, and I have confidence that she can win the whole thing."

"Now, did anyone have any clue as to what was going on?" Julie asked Ethan.

"I knew something was up, but I never would have guessed that," Ethan answered, still in shock. "I don't think anyone is gonna figure it out."

"Well, thanks for playing," Julie said to Ethan. "You didn't make it far enough to be part of our jury, but we will still see you on Finale Night when we crown the *winner* of SurviviBrother."

"Thanks," Ethan shook Julie's hand. "I hope it's Jenna."

"You mean Jenna Lewis?" Julie asked. "I'm just kidding."

She got up from her seat and turned to the cameras.

"That's it for tonight. Stay tuned for next week to find out who will be the third person to leave the game. It's sure to be a season full of twists and surprises. From outside the SurviviBrother House, I'm Julie Chen. Goodnight."

Thanks Khnum

Quote:

---

Yeah, I think you could have had some BB Hoseguests

---

Hoseguests <3
A few Big Brother HoUseguests will make cameos throughout the season. But I wanted the cast to just be Survivor contestants.

Ima post Episode 3 tomorrow (well, today)

Thanks Burrito Taco :D

        Team Believe

        "I'm HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME, guys!" A blood curdling shriek echoed through Team Believe's home.
        "Oh my God, you've gotta be kidding me," Mia ran downstairs upon hearing the voice. When she arrived, she found Jenna standing in the doorway.
        "Dude, get the hell out of here," Mia said, exasperated. "It's in the rules; no intermingling between teams."
        Butch came downstairs carrying a bundle of firewood. Dirk and Linda were following behind him.
        "What are you doin' here, Sexy?" Dirk asked Jenna.
        "Weeeeeeeeeeeell, I'm one of you guys now," Jenna answered.
        Mia shook her head angrily.
        "That's bullshit; you're *full* of it, Jenna. Now, get the hell away and go back to your own damn house!"
        At that moment, Julie Chen walked into the house, dragging a huge suitcase. Jeff Probst followed behind, lugging some heavy equipment, including cameras, tripods, film, microphones, lights, and lenses.
        "EEEEEEEEEK!" Jenna squealed. "You brought my things! Easy with the vidmaking equipment, Jeff."
        "What?" Mia mouthed. Her heart stopped for a second before it jumped into her throat. Her stomach twisted into a dozen knots.
        "That's right," Julie was smiling uncontrollably. "Jenna is one of you guys now; she and Darrah have switched teams…"
        "Yup, we've switched teams," Jenna laughed. "We only make videos with women now! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! That was a good one!"
        Mia's eyes rolled to the top of her head.
        "If Jenna is still in the game after this round, it will be her duty to send *one* of you away to Team Slutty Vid at the next reward challenge," Julie continued. "The same thing goes for Darrah. Jeff and I will leave you alone for now, but first, we need to gather Darrah's belongings."
        Mia stood there frozen as the rest of her team greeted Jenna.
        "So Team Slutty Vid gets Darrah, who's just a kick-ass chick and great to have around," Mia said in the diary room, "and we get Jenna, the most annoying bitch to ever walk this Earth. How the hell is that a fair trade-off?"
        "The look on Mia's face when I walked in was *PRICELESS*," Jenna confessed in the diary room. "It almost made the whole switching thing worthwhile. But they're ALL gonna be gunning for me, so I'm more *screwed* than I was in my last video with Jon. Speaking of Jon, it *SUCKS* not having him around now. I guess I'm stuck making solo videos."
        Mia's mind was spinning in circles. The sweet Southern accent of her friend Darrah had been replaced by the loud screeching of Jenna Lewis. The calmest player in the game had left their team and had been replaced by the game's biggest loudmouth. Mia didn't notice as Julie and Jeff walked out of the house with Darrah's suitcases. All she could hear as she stood frozen was Jenna babbling away at the speed of light.
        "You guys are gonna have soooooooo much fun with me on your team! What do you guys do for fun? Over at Team Slutty Vid, it was basically one giant orgy. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! Just kidding, but Jon and I did fuck all the time. This is what I look like while I'm having sex!"
        Jenna jumped onto the couch, spread her legs, and waved them around in the air.
        "EEEEEEEEEEEEEK! HA, HA, HA! The purple walls at the other house made me so fucking horny; these blue walls just don't do the trick."
        "So where are you gonna sleep?" Butch asked his new team member.
        "I guess wherever Darrah slept," Jenna answered.
        "Oh, Darrah shared a room with Mia," Linda informed Jenna. "You can make yourself comfortable in that room."
        "Great. I'll go set up my vidmaking equipment."
        Mia came to her senses as Jenna was hauling her belongings upstairs.
        "Oh my God, guys, who said that Jenna could sleep in MY room?"
        "I don't see the problem," Dirk told Mia. "Jenna seems like an a'ight girl. Why don't you like her?"
        "Let's see…. Telling us to suck it at challenges, ruining our concert with Joanna, throwing stuff at Darrah, basically being an unbearable *bitch*…"
        Mia ran upstairs to her room to find Jenna going through her things. Jenna opened a drawer containing Mia's clothes and, without hesitating, she quickly unfolded the clothes and threw them onto the floor.
        "What are you *DOING*?" Mia screamed.
        "Well, I need a place to store my toys!"
        Mia angrily picked her clothes off the floor and walked towards the closet to hang them up.
        "By the way," said Jenna, "I'll need to set some stuff on your bed."
        "Like what?"
        "Well, some extra cameras, whips, handcuffs…"
        "Where the hell am I supposed to SLEEP?" Mia was losing her temper.
        "You can sleep in the fucking closet," Jenna answered, "and when you come 'out' of the closet, we can make a lesbian video."
        "No. Way. In. Hell."
        "Oh my God, Mia, you're so fucking uptight. GET. A. SENSE. OF. HUMOR. I was joking! You know I wouldn't dyke it out with a fugly whore like you. You're a schizophrenic bitch who looks like Gollum; you're skeletal with a bony face, creepy, evil eyes, and an eerie, raspy, *OBNOXIOUS* voice."
        "How the hell is *my* voice obnoxious?" Mia yelled. "Your voice makes me want to claw my eyeballs out!"
        "Good. That way I won't have to see those annoying eye rolls of yours. I hope your face gets stuck like that one day."
        Mia shook her head violently.
        "Here," said Jenna, "you can have this blanket so you can sleep on the floor of the closet. It has a few… stains… on it from one of my videos with Jon, but it should be okay."
        Jenna threw the blanket at Mia and then continued setting up her equipment.
        "Make yourself at home, why don't you?" Mia asked. "You know what: you do whatever the hell you want. I'm just gonna sleep downstairs on the couch."
        Mia picked up a few of her belongings and stormed out of the room; Jenna smirked, suppressing a laugh.
        "Jenna just comes in and makes herself comfortable," Mia said in the diary room. "She's only been here about fifteen minutes, and I've already had enough of her-- she has no decency whatsoever. She's just disgusting, and I absolutely cannot stand her."
        After arriving downstairs, Mia quickly threw her things onto the couch and marched towards the kitchen.
        "I'm just gonna make some popcorn, chill, and see if 'Desperate Housewives' is on…" Mia talked to herself as she breathed slowly, trying to un-stress.
        But when she arrived at the kitchen, she found Jenna standing there, stirring a pot of soup on the stove.
        "How the hell did she get here so fast?" Mia wondered to herself.
        Jenna was turned away from Mia, but she carefully eyed her with her peripheral vision. Mia made her way to the kitchen cabinet and opened it.
        "NO!" Jenna scolded, as Mia took an unpopped bag of popcorn out of the cabinet. She ran towards Mia and snatched the bag straight from her hands.
        "What's your problem, Jenna?" Mia yelled.
        "I'M. COOKING. DINNER," Jenna shrieked. "If you eat popcorn all day, you'll be waaaaaaay too full come dinnertime."
        "I'll be fine." Mia grabbed another bag of popcorn and made her way towards the microwave.
        "You're so RUDE, Mia!" Jenna screamed in a high-pitched voice. "I'm the cook! You could at least give me the respect of ASKING if it's okay to eat; don't just TAKE whatever you want!"
        Mia's eyeballs did a 360 as she shook her head vehemently.
        "You're a guest in OUR home, Jenna! You're not the cook, you're not in charge, and I'm going to eat whatever I want whenever the hell I want it!"
        "Fine, don't appreciate everything I'm doing for you guys. Then I just won't let you have any dinner. Now GET. THE. HELL. *OUT* of my kitchen!"
        "I'm staying right here, Jenna! If anything, YOU should be asking US when you can eat. You're acting like you've lived here for years; you can't just come in and disrespect us like this!"
        "Listen, Gollum," Jenna said, shooting Mia a vicious glare. "You can find your own room to take control over; *I'M* in charge of the kitchen. Now, get *OUT*!"
        Mia gritted her teeth as she angrily made her way towards the door.
        "Listen, Jenna, if this is your strategy, keep playing it; I don't care! But it's gonna backfire; as soon as we lose a challenge, your ass is walking out that door! I'll make sure of it."
        "I don't care, Mia! Just get out of my kitchen so I can cook in peace!"
        "What*EVER*, Jenna; yes, you *do* care! You're not gonna come anywhere close to winning this game!"
        Mia slammed the door on her way out.
        "This game is gonna be a living hell from here on out," Mia said in the diary room. "I wish I could just wake up and find out that this is all another crazy dream, but unfortunately, that's not gonna happen. I'm not gonna give up; I'm still gonna fight in this game, and I'm almost certainly positive that should we lose, Jenna will be the one walking out the door. I can't wait for that."

        Team Slutty Vid

        "If Darrah is still in the game after this round," Julie Chen was finishing her speech, "it will be her duty to send *one* of you away to Team Believe at the next reward challenge. The same thing goes for Jenna. Jeff and I will leave you alone for now. Good luck."
        Julie turned and walked out the door, followed by Jeff.
        "Oh my God!" Helen clapped her hands together as she shrieked uncontrollably. "Eeee, eee, oooo, oooo, oooo! You switched! Yes! Oh my God!"
        She ran up to Darrah and squeezed her in a tight hug.
        "Ah was kinda surprahsed at the nahce welcome ah received," Darrah said in the diary room. "Ah though ah maght be kinda lahke an Outsahder, bein' new to the team n' all. But everyone was runnin' up and huggin' me, and seemed excahted about me bein' here."
        "Thank you, Sweet Jesus." Helen gave a sigh of relief before clapping her hands again.
        "Hear that noise?" Helen asked in the diary room. "It sounds very unfamiliar. Oh, it's silence! That's right; Jenna is GONE. She's gone; she's really gone! Eeeee! I haven't been this excited since I discovered my amazing Pumpkin Cobbler recipe."
        "Oh my God, think of all the things I can cook!" Helen said between girlish giggles. "Oooo, oooo, maybe my classic apple pie recipe! You need two and a half cups of white flour, 2 tablespoons of light brown sugar, six cups of peeled, sliced cooking apples, a cup of vanilla ice cream…"
        "Ah'm not sure what to think of mah' new team," Darrah confessed in the diary room. "Helen is pretty much a walkin' cookbook. Ah wish she would spend more tahme makin' those recipes and less tahme talkin' about them, 'cuz she's makin' me huuuuungry."
        "Come on, girly girl, I'll help you cook!" Tina laughed.
        "Oooo, that would be great." Helen was excited. "Darrah, you wanna come? Heidi?"
        "I need to tan my cute body before the sun goes down," Heidi answered, making her way outside.
        Helen was too excited to be annoyed with Heidi. Darrah and Tina followed Helen into the kitchen.
        "It smells so good in here!" Helen cheered. "I have my kitchen back! Oh my God!"
        Helen fell on her knees and excitedly kissed the ground.
        "Ah had never seen anyone that excahted in mah' lahfe," Darrah told the cameras. "She was actin' lahke she had just been crowned 'Most Beautiful' at mortician school. We had some nahce girl-bondin' tahme; ah know that ah'm new to this house, and ah wanted to make sure ah was safe. Ah do noooooooot want to leave this game; you would have to be carryin' me away."
        "You have NOTHING to worry about," Helen assured Darrah. "I will try my damnedest to make sure that Jon is the next to go. Leaving Jon in this game would just be a 'recipe' for disaster."
        Tina nodded in agreement.
        "Ah know Darrah is new to this team," Tina said in the diary room, "but ah just could not vote her out before Jon. Strategy aside, Jon needs to go because of the way he's been treatin' us. Ah know mah' chances of winning may be slim as a former winner, and if ah can't win, ah want to make sure a good-hearted person wins it."
        "Jon is gonna be lost without Jenna here," Helen smirked. "I love it. I guess he's not as powerful as he thought he was."
        "Helen n' Tina want Jon out," Darrah told the cameras, "and ah definitely agree with them. Jon's a snaaaaaaake and you cain't believe a word that comes outta his mouth. Plus, ah had forgotten just how annoyin' he is."
        "What's up?" Jon walked into the kitchen. "The funniest thing just happened to me. I was looking in the mirror, and I was like, 'Who is this hot guy? Damn, he's fine. Am I turning gay?' Then I'm like, 'Wait a minute. That's me.' I've got it goin' on."
        "Yeah, you suuure do," Darrah laughed as she rolled her eyes.
        "Jon's just reeeeeally corny," Darrah told the cameras in her Southern drawl. "He really thinks he's all that, which is hilaaaaaarious because he weighs about eighty pounds. He doesn't really make me mad; he's more annoyin' than anything."
        "Ah'm gonna see how Hahdi is doin'," Darrah told her teammates.
        "All right," said Helen.
        Darrah made her way out to the backyard where Heidi was tanning topless.
        "Hey, girl!" Heidi greeted. "Want to join me?"
        Darrah ran inside to change into her bikini and then rejoined Heidi outside.
        "I don't see why anyone would work when it's so gorgeous outside," Heidi told Darrah. "Like, you know what I mean?"
        "It is really nahce out here." Darrah lay down next to Heidi.
        Just then, Helen entered the backyard.
        "Hey, hate to interrupt," Helen greeted, "but Heidi, will you help me in the kitchen? It won't take long."
        "I'm too tired," Heidi yawned, "but will you bring me some Reese's Sticks?"
        Helen rolled her eyes before shrugging and walking back inside.
        "She has a really nasty side to her," Heidi said to her new teammate. "Did you see that look she gave us?"
        "Helen is a bigger girl," Heidi said in the diary room. "She has more fat to live on; she can afford to do more of the work. So don't hold it against the cute little girls that we get tired more easily and can't do as much around the house."
        Helen walked outside again holding a Reese's Stick. Without saying anything, she threw it at Heidi and made her way back inside.
        "You know," Heidi turned to Darrah, "after Jon leaves, there will be four of us. It will be us two cute girls versus two…. older, uglier women. We might have to stick together, because they're gonna be coming after us with a vengeance."
        "All raght," Darrah nodded.
        "Like, I was so disappointed when you and Mia were on the other team. I thought, 'Oh great, I'm the only cute girl in this house, and I'm gonna have a *huge* handicap'."
        "I'm totally just between a rock and a hard stone in this game," Heidi told the cameras, "because I have an alliance with Helen and Tina, but at the same time, I don't trust them. I know that they must see me as a HUGE threat, and they're also not happy about the fact that I have a better body than them. I need to be proactive and get rid of them before they come after me, but I don't really want to do anything without talking to Jenna M. It's a tough spot to be in; it sucks."
        "At the next reward challenge, maybe you should send away Helen," Heidi told Darrah, "and then hopefully our new team member will be a cute girl or a guy that we can manipulate."
        Darrah nodded as she soaked in some sunlight.
        "Here ah was thinkin' ah'd be the next to go," Darrah said in the diary room, "but it turns out that they're all turnin' on each other. Ah don't know if switchin' was really a good thing or a bad thing. Ah know that ah'm already missin' Mia a lot; ah hope she's doin' okay without me. But one good thing about this new house is that they don't have any faaaaaaaarwood lahin' around e'erywhere."
       
        Team Believe

        Dirk and Jenna were sitting in the living room. Linda was off praising to Zeus and Hera, Butch was tearing up wooden furniture to use as firewood, and Mia was outside trying to relax.
        "Have you EVER had sex?" Jenna asked Dirk.
        "Nope. Abstinence, baby. It's the way to go."
        "It kills me that we have a virgin on our team," Jenna said in the diary room. "How can someone go through life without having sex? It just irks me."
        "You have to have done *something*," Jenna said to Dirk. "You've at least made out with a girl, right? Have you felt a girl up? Come on, you can tell me. What's the most *sinful* thing you've ever done?"
        "Well," Dirk blushed, "one time I was playing the @#%$. I had this Sim of myself, and I made him 'WooHoo' with a really pretty girl…"
        The sounds of crickets chirping could be heard even though it was daytime.
        "Oh, well, that's a start," Jenna said sarcastically.
        "Dirk is SO. FUCKING. *PATHETIC*," Jenna said to the cameras. "Sex is one of the basic necessities of life. You have to eat, you have to sleep, you have to breathe, and you HAVE. TO. HAVE. SEX. He needs to be de-flowered."
        "What if I did you a favor?" Jenna asked.
        "What do you mean?"
        "I'll make a video with you. Tonight. Meet me upstairs at 8:00 sharp. It will be the video of the century."
        "Awww," Dirk blushed.
        "I'd better make some preparations for the vid," Jenna said with a wink.
        Dirk watched as Jenna disappeared upstairs.
        "Oh, Lord. What am I gonna do?"
        "I might make a video with Jenna," Dirk said in the diary room. "I know I want to-- that girl's fiiiine. But I made a commitment long ago that I would save myself until marriage. I'm torn; I don't know what to do."
        Dirk made his way outside where he found Mia.
        "Hey, Mia, can I talk to you for a sec?"
        "Sure, what is it?"
        "Well," said Dirk, "Jenna gave me an… offer."
        Mia raised her eyebrow.
        "This can't be good."
        "I might make a video with her tonight," Dirk continued.
        "You know she's not talking about an educational video!" Mia laughed. "Dude, I bet you had no clue what she was talking about!"
        "I know what she means."
        "Oh." Mia's face turned as white as a sheet.
        "I know I believe in no sex until marriage, but I think Jenna might be the girl, you know what I'm sayin'?"
        "Dude, you can't be serious," Mia was genuinely shocked. "You've lived your whole life saving yourself for the perfect girl so you could get married and have sex for the first time… and you're just gonna throw that all away to Jenna of all people. She's pretty much a walking STD."
        "But she's fine," Dirk said with a smile, "and she has the best personality; she's so outgoing and fun. Plus, baby got back-- I like big butts and I cannot lie."
        Mia snorted.
        "Sex should be meaningful," she told Dirk. "It should be with someone you love, someone you care about. To Jenna, it means nothing. To her, it's just like shaking someone's hand or introducing yourself."
        Dirk shrugged and made his way back inside.
        "Dude," Mia called out, "if you make that video, you'll regret it for the rest of your life!"
        "I was hopin' Mia would say that it was a'ight and I should go ahead and make the video," Dirk told the cameras, "because I want it so bad. I was hoping she would make the decision easier for me…but I think I should do it. I mean, I don't wanna be a forty-year-old virgin."
        Dirk plopped himself onto the couch and stared at the clock. 4:30. Three and a half hours until possibly the biggest event of his life: losing his virginity.

        ***

        That night, Dirk nervously made his way upstairs and walked into Jenna's bedroom.
        "There you are," Jenna said with a mischievous grin. "I've been waiting for you."
        She was lying sprawled on her bed dressed in a nun's outfit.
        "Ready for the video?" she asked. "We'll call it 'Naughty Nunny I'."
        "Isn't that disrespectful to religion?" Dirk asked, his voice cracking. "Wearing the nun's outfit?"
        "Oh, don't worry. This outfit will be coming *off*."
        Jenna hopped up from the bed and made her way towards Dirk. Dirk fidgeted as she slowly lifted his shirt off and threw it on the ground next to them.
        "Relax… don't be so tense."
        Jenna quickly pulled off Dirk's belt and folded it in half. She snapped it between her hands, making a loud noise.
        "Did I scare you?" she asked as Dirk flinched.
        Smiling, Jenna dragged Dirk towards her bed. She jumped on top of the covers and pushed Dirk on top of her. She slowly unzipped his pants and pulled them down.
        "Oooo, Scooby Doo boxers!"
        "Wait, Jenna, I can't do this," said Dirk. "I want to stay in the V Club."
        "The Video Club?" Jenna asked, pulling off her nun's outfit. "You'll be a member of it soon."
        "No." Dirk slipped his pants back on and jumped out of the bed. He picked his shirt and belt up from the floor.
        "Sex is a gift from God," he explained. "He meant it as a way for a husband and a wife to show their love for each other. I want to be able to look at my future bride and say, 'Baby, I've waited my entire life for you. What I'm about to share with you, I haven't shared with anyone else'…"
        "You've got to be fucking kidding," Jenna snorted. "Now, let's have a quickie."
        "I can't. I'm sorry, Jenna. Unless you want to get married?"
        Jenna rolled her eyes.
        "Just get out of here. Don't say I never offered to do anything nice for you. I'll just make a solo vid."
        Dirk slowly made his way towards the door.
        "Get OUT!" Jenna yelled. She pushed Dirk out into the hallway.
        "I'm *DONE* with him," Jenna said in the diary room. "If Dirk doesn't want to make a video with me, then I have absolutely no use for him WHAT.SO.EVER. He's *DEAD* to me."

        ***

        "EEEEEEEEEEEK! Oh my God! Ooooooooooooooh! That feels soooooooo good!"
        "Oh...my…God…" Mia shook her head as she heard noises coming from upstairs. "I can't believe Dirk is actually doing this."
        At that moment, Dirk walked downstairs, tears streaming down his face.
        "Wait, if you're not making a video, then what the hell is that noise?"
        "Jenna is making a solo video," Dirk explained.
        "You two… didn't… do anything, did you?" Mia asked.
        "Naw," Dirk answered. "I couldn't do it. The Big Dawg wouldn't approve of it."
        "Good," said Mia. "You didn't need her STDs. You made the right decision."
        "Plus, I have a way bigger crush on you than I do on Jenna."
        Mia rolled her eyes sarcastically.

        Day 8

        Mia's sleep was suddenly disrupted by the loud noise of a vacuum cleaner. She rolled over and fell off the living room couch. Rubbing her eyes, she looked up to see Jenna cleaning the room.
        "Could you try doing that some other time?" an irritable Mia asked. "I'm sorta trying to sleep here…"
        "It's time to get up, anyway," Jenna snapped. "I just cooked breakfast; you have two choices: you can eat it now or you can just not eat altogether."
        "I'll just get something on my own whenever I get up."
        "No, because in a while, I'm closing the kitchen for the REST OF THE DAY. Just be thankful that I'm letting you eat at all!"
        Mia rolled her eyes and started walking towards the kitchen.
        "What are you DOING?" Jenna yelled.
        "What?" Mia was confused.
        "Can't you see that I'm VACUUMING? You need to walk on your tiptoes so your dirty feet don't filth up the carpet!"
        By this point, Mia's patience was exhausted.
        "Didn't you already take control of the kitchen?" she yelled at Jenna. "Well, this is MY room; I sleep here, and I can walk wherever I want."
        "I do everything around this house and you just don't appreciate me," Jenna laughed. "Without me, you guys would be dying."
        "Oh my *GOD*, Jenna!" Mia was angered and amused at the same time. "If you wanna play the martyr, go ahead, but we'd be doing perfectly fine without you! What's your contribution to this house? You film a video in the morning? We could just as *easily* film that video if *you* were not *here*!"
        "HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!" Jenna laughed loudly. "EEEEEEEEEK! You don't have half as much vidmaking equipment as I do."
        "I was being sarcastic, Jenna."
        "Plus, I never said that you guys wouldn't be doing all right without me."
        "Yes, you DID, Jenna! But the truth is that you do nothing. Even Butch does more around here than you do!"
        "Leave me the FUCK. ALONE, Gollum. The kitchen closes in five minutes."
        Mia threw her hands up in the air before storming off towards the kitchen.
        "Jenna just absolutely makes my skin crawl," Mia said in the diary room. "She's bossy, she's annoying, she plays the martyr, she's completely delusional… I don't think I could stomach being around her for another second. So I made my way into the kitchen where I found the rest of my team, and I immediately proposed a plan to take her out."
        "Hey, Mia," Dirk greeted his teammate as she walked into the kitchen. "You're looking goooood."
        "What are you talking about?" Mia asked. "I just got up; I don't have any makeup on. My hair is a mess."
        "Girl, you would look good even if you were bald and dressed in garbage bags. You're that fine."
        Mia rolled her eyes.
        "So what's for breakfast?" Mia asked.
        "Jenna is letting us each have two raisins," Linda answered.
        "She is just too much." Mia shook her head rapidly. "We need to put aside our differences and send that bitch back wherever the hell she came from."
        "I'm willin' to put everything behind us," Butch agreed. "It's what I've wanted from the beginning: for us to be a strong, unified team."
        "Same here," Linda said quickly. "We need to take all this negative energy and just waaaaaaaaaaash it away. Take a second and close your eyes, everybody. Now, just stand still. Can you feel that? Huuuuuuuh?"
        "What am I supposed to be feeling?" Mia asked.
        "It's all the positive energy flowing into our souls. It's soooo invigorating. Now, open your eyes. Look and listen. Are you feelin' it?"
        Mia looked over at Butch and Dirk and rolled her eyes.
        "I've been thinking," said Mia. "We need to throw today's immunity challenge. If they lose, they get rid of D, and that's a loss for us. If we lose, Jenna's out, and EVERYBODY wins."
        "I think it's a great idea," said Butch, "if everybody's on the same page."
        Dirk silently stared at the wall.
        "I don't like the idea of goin' in there and tryin' to lose," Dirk said in the diary room. "I've been an athlete all my life; I love competin'. The way I see it, you give it your all and try to win no matter what, but Mia was really adamant about tankin' this on purpose…"
        "I don't even think the last Head of Household is allowed to compete in the next HOH competition," Mia told her teammates. "Whoever wins nominates her, and she's OUT. Like THAT."
        "If that's what you all wanna do," Dirk agreed.
        "Nobody. Switch." Mia warned, as she poked the air with her index finger. "Dude, I'm about to bust ass."
        Mia shook hands with each of her teammates.
        "Let's do this," said Linda. "I hope the god of failure is on our side today!"
        Mia smirked and nodded her head.
        "I'm gonna fight like hell to lose the immunity challenge today," Mia told the cameras. "There's two reasons. One: I'm worried that Darrah is in trouble over at Slutty Vid, and two: out of everybody in this game, Jenna is the one person that I completely just cannot stand. I don't think she deserves to be in this game another minute."